What am I hearing from nextdoor neighbours?

[worriedneighbour1]

DH and I moved into new home around a year ago. We have neighbours on one side; Husband, Wife and one DD (approx 8 years old).

Before the first UK lockdown, we'd frequently hear Wife and DD having morning screaming matches lasting 20 minutes or so, very regularly, maybe 3 times a week. DH reckoned it sounded like stressful school routine. It woke us up what feels like a million times.

Things quietened down for a bit, but have really taken off again in the last couple of months. We hear screaming/shouting/banging, almost every day or every other day. Especially upstairs in the mornings and evenings. The DD really screams and crys and sometimes sounds very worked up.

The problem is it's mostly all in another language so we can't tell if it's something like "I've told you a thousand times to get your shoes on!" or something worse.

It just sounds so alarming to me, especially when the husband joins in, which happens less often. Monthly perhaps.

We didn't have anything like this in my house when I grew up. Occasional tantrums and some arguing between DPs, but nothing like this and not almost every day.

DH and I dont have any DCs so are trying to figure out what's 'normal.'

I'm not aware of any learning difficulties. We don't know them very well at all with the language barrier, just friendly hellos over the fence.

AIBU to report it (to who!?) or could this be normal?

we'd frequently hear Wife and DD having morning screaming matches lasting 20 minutes or so, very regularly, maybe 3 times a week. DH reckoned it sounded like stressful school routine

I’d agree with your DH on this.

We hear screaming/shouting/banging, almost every day or every other day. Especially upstairs in the mornings and evenings

Sounds like stressful school runs and nightmare bedtimes with a defiant child.

Add on to this that their language might be “shouty” sounding and you have no clue what they’re saying, I don’t think what you’ve posted sounds particularly concerning. You’re home life growing up sounds v calm, but I would hazard a guess that most households are not like that. Do you live in a terraced house?

@Edgeoftheledge ‘The child could be autistic’.

Because its well known that screaming and shouting works with a child on the spectrum.

I grew up in a home with parents who screamed, shouted and fought. It was horrible and I wish someone had reported it.

To all those saying it’s just a stressful morning, maybe it is but it’s ongoing and is bad enough to make you feel uncomfortable so voice it. If that’s all it is no harm is done.

I think you need something more than that
I agree, some families are shouters and indeed it is more prevalent and normal in some cultures. It doesn't mean abuse, far from it.

Some kids don't respond to soft commands and will.indeedviinly do to shouting and by responding dramatically.

As you say, it would help to know the language but when they speak English, are the words abusive sounding?

It sounds awful OP and they sound very inconsiderate. I don't know about reporting but I would consider letting your neighbours know you can hear their noise and that it wakes you up.

Please do ring the NSPCC for advice. I am stunned at how many people are saying to ignore it, and mind your own business.

This could be emotional abuse. Can you record it so that it can be assessed by safeguarding professionals?

The amount of minimising on this post of the adults shouting and a child shouting and screaming - every morning - is terrifying. Just because it's in a different language doesn't make it any less awful, and to say its probably a cultural thing is just offensive! The Italians comment made me laugh - the Italian families I know certainly don't behave like this - what an insult.
Yes we all shout a bit, especially in the morning, but surely no one can think this level is any kind of normal or healthy? And what a horrible situation to live next door to!
I don't know who you would report to, but I would certainly be making phone calls.

@inquietant

I think you have to try to work out if they are arguing with each other or shouting at the child. And if you don't know, be very clear in any report that you really have no clue.

If I am upstairs 'shouting' to my child who is in the kitchen, that is different to shouting whilst in the same room!

I just think shouting = problem is too simplistic.

The OP has clearly said the shouting occurs between parents and the child.

Yes the child could have SEN, or autistic traits, in which case the parents nay actually benefit from external support. But the OP has also said there's no sign of this. So how on Earth PP have decided that must be the case is beyond me.

The shouting is loud enough and persistent enough for OP to be concerned. It's not a normal domestic situation. No child should be screamed at daily for long periods or repeatedly. Anyone justifying that as normal needs to have a think. Ditto previous poster suggesting you have to witness abuse to report it - of course you don't - most sexual abuse is unwitnessed. Still it is reported and convictions occur. There's a lot of bollocks on this thread.

Please do raise a concern op. Child safeguarding is everyone's business, and if there's no issue to investigate then No harm is done.

Erm...I would go round and knock on the door, ask of everything is OK because you can hear shouting. Be nice and neighbourly.

Hopefully the mum would have a conversation with you, explain she and her child both have loud personalities and they keep it down in future.

I would also tell the school if it's got a lot worse during lockdown. The school will be aware of whether the family usually need support etc and it will be logged. - I know of a family whose child went to school last lockdown after a neighbour reported the mums screaming to the police.

I wouldn't phone the police though, until I'd just knocked on the door and said hello.

Please remember you don’t have to be the one to solve it. Just voice it. Other organisations who are experts will do the rest.

I wish that some one had reported the shouting coming from my home when I was a child . Please do - if you know what school the child goes to that might be a place to start . The school has a safeguarding duty and might already have other concerns or will already know if the child has autism .

@galaxy9

These comments are insane. It’s so much better to be safe than sorry- it’s absolutely not normal to have complete screaming matches with your child every day.

Yes, there may be an explanation for it, such as learning difficulties but also there might not be and a child’s welfare is more important than Covid

This completely. I can’t believe what I’m reading on here.

@Edgeoftheledge

The child could be autistic

Fucking hell.

Have a think about what you just said

I'm horrified that so many people seem to think that this level of shouting is normal
From the some of the comments it's evident that a lot of people behave this way.

It sounds like emotional abuse to me. We all have a duty to protect children from harm, so I think you should call children’s services and speak to a social worker.

This could be my child at the mornings and it other times of the day. He’s asd and sometimes screams and shouts really badly. He doesn’t wear a badge and ‘looks normal’ so you can’t necessarily tell he has asd. People thinking that reporting them will get them support is laughable. We got reported and social services came round and did a check and made threats about there being consequences if they got any more referrals made to them which is no help what so ever and just adds pressure to an already stressful life. We got passed onto early help who assessed and then shortly closed the case. By all means report if you think there may be some kind of abuse going on but if you think that reporting them will be doing them a favour and getting them help it won’t.

Also if this is still happening at the minute and child is attending school then there’s a good chance it’s because the child does have an ehcp and Sen unless parents are key workers

I have a cunning plan.

Which language is it?

Record it, learn a few words of that language. Knock on their door. Show interest and speak to them in that language to show that you understand what they’re yelling.

It’ll scare the bejeezers out of them and they might calm down.

I am surprised none of my neighbours have reported us, it is seriously bad at times. As Morph says though, don't presume that this will open doors to lots of help.

If I am honest I would be ok if a neighbour knocked to check in. Just don't do it mid trouble though as that is really the wrong time.

I called the school to report a situation like that a few years back. I was glad I did. The child protection lead called back immediately and took it very seriously - it was another part of the picture of a child they were already really concerned about. A lot of support was put in place by the school and social work (I know because I got talking with the mum and she was very chatty). The child did eventually go into foster care for a while in her teens but that was years later, it could have happened much earlier if the family hadn't been offered support.

This reminds me if that ululating neighbour thread from a couple of months ago

@RomeoLikedCapuletGirls

I have a cunning plan.

Which language is it?

Record it, learn a few words of that language. Knock on their door. Show interest and speak to them in that language to show that you understand what they’re yelling.

It’ll scare the bejeezers out of them and they might calm down.

I hope this is just being tongue in cheek,

My neighbours had a stroppy tween then teenage daughter & there were almost daily screaming arguments between her & her mother. The husband used to join in if it had gone on too long ('listen to your mother'!) & at times used to go around closing windows.
As their mother tongue was English, we were at least able to work out what was going on (usually ending 'you don't understand me' or 'it's not fair'!) but it was pretty alarming at the beginning.
Likewise my cousin's house was always pretty tempestuous with 4 strong characters - I used to dread staying there. However it was a far healthier than growing up with my parents where resentment simmered & they only staying for my sake.
Everyone's under pressure at the moment with lockdown & home schooling. Keep a watchful ear out but I don't think there's a problem.

You want to report shouting...?

Ah this takes me back. My dd was an absolute madam who thought she knew best about everything (she still does and she an adult now) but we used to have some loud exchanges when she was that age.

School mornings were the worst and no matter what routine I put in place, she would always end up running late and not doing as she was asked (I had a younger one to attend to as well) so I can sympathise with your neighbour if she's in the same situation.

Yes, I should've been the adult and not shouted back, but she drive me bonkers. Don't assume there's abuse going on, especially as the child seems to give as good as she gets.