AIBU Not going to my sister's wedding

[Rose924]

I'm currently 13 weeks pregnant, due July 21st. My sister got engaged at Christmas, and has announced they plan to get married on 7th August. She knew I was pregnant and due late July before picking this date.

I messaged her to say congratulations, but given the timing, and that I was meant to be bridesmaid, I wanted to curb any expectations that I'd be up for usual bridesmaid duties - with a brand new newborn I'm not going to be available for 7am hair and make up and dancing at midnight.

She replied to say that it was 'annoying timing' that everything was happening around the same time, although she literally just picked this date and even making it a month later would make it so much easier for me to attend, that I didn't need to be bridesmaid, and that they'd planned a child-free wedding anyway so would appreciate if I could leave the baby with in-laws. Depending on when I go into labour I could have a days old baby that I plan to breastfeed, am I being unreasonable being outraged that she'd ask that?

I haven't replied as I was so angry and upset, but phoned my mum. She said she wasn't even sure the wedding would go ahead due to covid restrictions, and was reluctant to say anything to her as she didn't want to get involved. Last night on the phone she said 'well you had a child-free wedding too' - a little different as we had no nieces/nephews/children we were close to at the time so it was just distant cousin's kids, and all were 2.5+.

It's really stressing me out and I feel this may damage my relationship with my sister long term, what would you do?

You can’t leave your baby alone at that age so there’s not much that can be done - explain to your sister it has to be both of you or neither.

Do and say nothing for now. You have given her the heads up to manage her expectations.

Your baby might be late anyway.

If the wedding was local, I would try to rope somebody in to walk baby outside venue so I could go to the ceremony and not attend the reception. However YANBU to be annoyed.

Yeah, there's no way you can leave a newborn with anyone for the full day, you won't even want to be away from them for 30 mins let alone hours. Assuming the likely possibility of being up to 2 weeks late, baby will be about 1 week old, even if you have baby on due date they'll only be 3 weeks old.

Your sister is being unreasonable.

As your dsis isn't too concerned about your relationship I would be of the same frame of mind. Once you baby arrives you dsis will just look like a cow for basically making you miss her big day.

Actually I’d do what Gin says

Oh don't go. She is not actually being a dick tbf. It's fine for her to have her wedding when she wants, and she doesn't have to have kids there if she doesn't want, but quite clearly you are not going to be available. I am sure some hero will be on to say "I gave birth during my sister's wedding ceremony and got straight up and walked down the aisle, cos she's my SISTER", but anyone with an ounce of sense would understand you not going to a wedding so soon after your baby's due date.

My best friend is putting her wedding back to October so that I can still be bridesmaid (and even attend). Baby was due 10 days before the wedding and wedding had been booked for three months already. I didn't expect this and apologised for the timing and said I would def go if I could but as it was a 3 hour drive as well there would be a good chance of not feeling up to it. She immediately said she understood and not to worry at all then later called to say she had spoken to her fiance and they were going to change the date.

I know everyone is different but given she already knew you were pregnant and when you were due this seems such an avoidable situation.

I'd be fuming at the suggestion I leave my newborn! Even a few months old baby wouldn't be left for a whole day by me .

Fair enough she can choose any date she likes but she shouldn't be expecting any bridesmaid duties of you. She should just be grateful id you attend with baby of course.

I'd simply reply telling her to be ridiculous and that you wouldn't be leaving the baby so obviously won't be attending. Is she a teenager?

Yes your Dsis IBU

You won't be able to fit in any bridesmaid dresses
You won't be able to leave a newborn
She'll be lucky if you can be there (if you have C section and Kate baby potentially you could still be in hospital)
She'll be lucky if you are able to sit on hard church pew or chairs! Your boobs will be leaking..
she cannot expect you to leave a newborn behind!

It all may work out
But it all might not.
You said your piece now so leave it and see how it plays out, but without newborn able to come, you'll really only be showing your face for 30 mins!

Maybe take DP and baby in the pram and meander around outside til wedding is fine, then cheer snd throw confetti at B&G with rest of guests as they come out married , so you get to see part of the wedding. Then go home...

Just decline the invitation, saying you'll need to be with your breast fed baby.

Honestly, your sister may just be completely clueless. In her mind your baby is booked in for the 21st and so that’s when it’s here! She may not even have considered that you may be in Labour on the day of the wedding or have a poorly or clingy baby etc. I would just keep managing expectations along the lines of saying that you will do what you can to be there to support her but you have no idea when baby will arrive and what parenthood will be like with a newborn so there are unfortunately no guarantees.

You can’t leave a baby at that age; your sister has gone bridezilla crazy to expect that. You may still be in hospital or have only just had the baby. If it’s somewhere local I would say that you’ll go if you can bring your baby and plan to be there for the ceremony and hopefully the meal.
My bridesmaid had her baby a week and a half before my wedding (I’d told her not to feel any pressure to be a bridesmaid or come to the wedding and it was completely up to her) and she came with the baby and her DH to have her hair and make up and came to the ceremony and and meal. I think what enabled her to do that though was that there were no expectations or pressure around her doing any of it and even if on the day she’d said to me she just couldn’t do it then I wouldn’t have minded.
I think sometimes weddings make people a bit crazy and insist on things they then regret.

Say - yes, it is annoying timing, you know when your niece/nephew is arriving.

Hypothetical situation but say you went a whole two weeks overdue... by her wedding day you'd have a 3 day old baby (and be 3 days postpartum with all the discomfort that brings). There is absolutely no way you could leave a baby that new for a day! Thats the worst case scenario obviously but even if you have the baby bang on your due date it'll be a couple of weeks old!
Tell her quite plainly you won't be attending and then don't get involved in further discussion. She needs to get a bit of perspective.

You need to say something to manage your sister’s expectations.

Who knows how old your baby will be, explain this. Whether you might a attend any part would depend logistics, how far away etc and your sister’s response.

Good luck, please don’t stress about it.

You can’t leave a baby of that age for that amount of time. Just graciously decline and if she chooses to damage the relationship over this it is her choice.

I’m not at all close to either of my sisters, so this might be influencing my answer a bit.

She’s booked her wedding in the full knowledge that you are either going to be over due, giving birth or nursing a newborn. Upon hearing that you won’t be able to do the normal range of bridesmaids duties, she’s invited you to step down rather than make allowances for you and then asked you to leave your baby with someone else for the day.

She’s clearly not worrying about damaging the relationship between you, so why are you worried about it?

She's being a dick. Don't go. Your newborn and your recovery after birth is far more important than her wedding. Her expectations and behaviour is nothing short of unforgivable.

She sounds like a twat.

Is she used to being centre of attention? I cannot imagine choosing a date so close to my sister’s due date if I knew she was pregnant and I wanted her to be involved.

I also detest the ‘child-free’ wedding but a that’s personal thing.

"they'd planned a child-free wedding anyway so would appreciate if I could leave the baby with in-laws"

You sister thinks you can leave a newborn?!?

Can you get another family member to explain why this is not an option? Perhaps your mum or an aunt.

I'd manage her expectations now. Set your stall out and leave it with her - calmly explaining the timeline and that no you won't be leaving a newborn with the ILs. If you have a c section especially you won't be up for much at all.

You could actually be in labour that day.

I would message or phone her say you want to be clear what you can and can’t do.

You would like to be at the wedding however a newborn breast fed baby cannot be left with anyone. So it will be both of you or neither

Babies frequently are overdue so there is a possibility you will still be in hospital.

Lay it down clearly. No way would I have gone to a wedding a few days after giving birth.

I would absolutely decline to be a bridesmaid regardless. She is already showing bridezilla signs

Is it possible that your sister is just clueless? I'd say that ofc you know sis, babies can be up to 3 weeks early or late and newborns CANNOT leave their mum for over a couple of hours (then do the mn tinkly laugh

Also 2 weeks post partum is a very tricky time - I was still recovering physically but I was also utterly exhausted and showering was all I could manage outside of baby stuff.

The idea I’d have to get dressed up and made up at that time would’ve made me cry.