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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Not going to my sister's wedding

311 replies

Rose924 · 14/01/2021 09:34

I'm currently 13 weeks pregnant, due July 21st. My sister got engaged at Christmas, and has announced they plan to get married on 7th August. She knew I was pregnant and due late July before picking this date.

I messaged her to say congratulations, but given the timing, and that I was meant to be bridesmaid, I wanted to curb any expectations that I'd be up for usual bridesmaid duties - with a brand new newborn I'm not going to be available for 7am hair and make up and dancing at midnight.

She replied to say that it was 'annoying timing' that everything was happening around the same time, although she literally just picked this date and even making it a month later would make it so much easier for me to attend, that I didn't need to be bridesmaid, and that they'd planned a child-free wedding anyway so would appreciate if I could leave the baby with in-laws. Depending on when I go into labour I could have a days old baby that I plan to breastfeed, am I being unreasonable being outraged that she'd ask that?

I haven't replied as I was so angry and upset, but phoned my mum. She said she wasn't even sure the wedding would go ahead due to covid restrictions, and was reluctant to say anything to her as she didn't want to get involved. Last night on the phone she said 'well you had a child-free wedding too' - a little different as we had no nieces/nephews/children we were close to at the time so it was just distant cousin's kids, and all were 2.5+.

It's really stressing me out and I feel this may damage my relationship with my sister long term, what would you do?

OP posts:
Hugoslavia · 21/02/2021 11:08

I do think that she may be acting out of jealousy too though. I think that jealousy has a real shameful taboo attached to it in a way that other emotions don't. It's fine to be angry at someone, but not jealous. Yet jealousy often stems from unhappiness and unrealistic expectations that life should be fair. It's a difficult emotion to deal with as most will deny that they feel jealous.

yumscrumfatbum · 21/02/2021 11:11

Something similar happened to me. My sister got married abroad, I was 8.5 months pregnant so clearly couldn't go. I was pretty upset. Years later she apologised but it did put a cloud over our relationship for a while.

Dopeyduck · 21/02/2021 11:17

No YANBU and no you can’t and shouldn’t leave a tiny baby to go to a wedding.
Be honest and apologise. She might be annoyed now but she’ll one day have her own baby and realise why you made that decision.
Don’t stress.

Biscoffontoast · 21/02/2021 11:18

She’s being totally unreasonable. We had a child free wedding but I made an exception for my SIL’s baby who was three months old at the time and my best friend from university’s little boy who was also only a few months old. I would just be firm that either both of you go or neither of you.

RedcurrantPuff · 21/02/2021 11:24

YANBU

everyone is different of course but I didn’t even feel vaguely human for over 2 weeks after having my first, I was in a lot of pain from stitches, I couldn’t get into anything other maternity clothes and none of my shoes fitted, I couldn’t even have sat at a wedding ceremony and/or meal and even though I was not BF I was still leaking milk and my boobs were agony. And that’s even before you get into leaving a days old newborn with grandparents, during a pandemic no less!

I did go to a wedding at 6 weeks after my first was born but we had a hotel room and my family were all there too so it was not so bad plus I felt more human by then!

Arrierttyclock · 21/02/2021 11:24

My sister was due to get married on 23rd July but has been told by the wedding venue it's not going to be a normal wedding and they're will still be a lot of restrictions so she may even move it op. She sounds like a complete bratty bridezilla!

intheenddoesitreallymatter · 21/02/2021 11:28

She sounds a moron.

Keep quiet, in the current climate chances are the wedding won't even go ahead.

However make it clear to your Mum that you won't be leaving your baby and she can relay that message as delicately or indelicately as she likes but you aren't getting involved.

If she's adamant on a July unfortunately it will be sans her sister. She will have to figure out what's important, a child free wedding or having her family there.

Onlinedilema · 21/02/2021 11:35

I would keep quiet for now. I very much doubt that in July ScienceDaily be back to what they were pre covid, so much more needs opening up first. With this in mind it will either be a quick in out affair and so you might make it or, they will postpone their wedding and your baby will be older.

Onlinedilema · 21/02/2021 11:35

Sciencedaily=weddings

ClarkeGriffin · 21/02/2021 11:38

Meh she's a bridezilla. They don't tend to make successful marriages. You can go to the next wedding. Grin

BettyBoomerang · 21/02/2021 11:41

I do often wonder how young people who have child-free weddings feel when they’re a bit older and more settled and it’s their turn to have their child excluded. You can’t really blame your sister for doing what you did. Saying that, it doesn’t sound like she’s fussed about having you there so hopefully you can leave it at that and wish her well.

JackieweaverhasALLtheauthority · 21/02/2021 12:15

Book your baby's baptism for her first wedding anniversary or her birthdayGrin

Alwayscheerful · 21/02/2021 12:22

@Hugoslavia

I do think that she may be acting out of jealousy too though. I think that jealousy has a real shameful taboo attached to it in a way that other emotions don't. It's fine to be angry at someone, but not jealous. Yet jealousy often stems from unhappiness and unrealistic expectations that life should be fair. It's a difficult emotion to deal with as most will deny that they feel jealous.
I agree. Your sister is almost saying this is my baby, my wedding day and you and your newborn are not important.
SmudgeButt · 21/02/2021 12:27

You are both concentrating (quite rightly) on what is important to you as individuals. You are going to be a mom (congrats!) and she is going to be a bride (congrats to her!). But understandably those 2 circles can't necessarily easily intersect.

I wouldn't be angry with her but just reply that you can't make any commitments on anything to do with her wedding until you know what is happening with you and the little one. So it's likely to be late notice if you can attend at all. Do bow out of any proper role in her celebrations and that will leave you with maximum flexibility and allow her to continue planning.

BungleandGeorge · 21/02/2021 12:29

I think you’re being unreasonable to complain if you also chose a child free wedding.
However the reality is that you may well not be able to attend and that’s fine. If it’s local you could go to the ceremony and have dad push the baby around for a walk for 20 minutes. Or go for a drive as babies usually stay asleep then. It depends on when you have the baby and how well you are but could well be a possibility. Having a baby screening through the ceremony is pretty awful but perhaps she’d be fine with baby at the reception?

roundturnandtwohalfhitches · 21/02/2021 12:32

Happened me too. After 8 years of infertility, I got pregnant. Announced due date. SIL got engaged 3 weeks later and arranged the wedding for 2 weeks after my due date.
SIL is a narc. Her parents enable her.
In the end baby arrived in an emergency 12 days before wedding, which was 9 hours drive away. Baby and I were in a state for weeks. We didn't go. SIL and MIL played the victims and I was talked about to everyone as some sort of wussy princess. I will never forgive them.
They did all sorts of awful things but I do remember MIL telling me to ask for a c section early so I could get to the wedding because SIl would be upset.

Lweji · 21/02/2021 12:51

She replied to say that it was 'annoying timing' that everything was happening around the same time, (...) and that they'd planned a child-free wedding anyway so would appreciate if I could leave the baby with in-laws.

You are clearly unreasonable. Just move the birth date to the end of August. Wink

More seriously, I'm Shock at your sister. And that about 120 people think YABU.
For an easier life, you can tell her you're going and then cancel at the last minute, as you will find out after you have the baby that you can't leave an almost newborn with your ILs for oh so many reasons. Or just attend with baby in tow. Will she kick you out?

You'll find that when she has a baby, it will be all about her baby.

R2G · 21/02/2021 13:00

She sounds clueless. I remember a friend had a wedding with a country house festival theme so guests camping in the grounds. My baby was 5 months then but breast fed. Said I needed to bring the baby, she said OK but we will be drinking late into the night not going to curb the noise etc. I said no that's fair enough so I will bow out so sorry I can't make it. She threw a fit and insisted I camp outside to join in the fun and put the baby in the house with a baby monitor lol. When she had her own children a decade later she sort of apologised.

iwishiwasatcentralperk · 21/02/2021 13:05

YANBU. We had a child free wedding, but that didn't include the 2 babies who were 6 months old, they came along with their parents. One started crying during the ceremony and the dad took them out of the room. You wouldn't have known they were there otherwise. They don't cost anything either. (We didn't have cousins children at the wedding as just couldn't afford to add so many more numbers on).

When one of my cousins years later had a child free wedding, I didn't go because I couldn't get anyone to look after DC. It didn't bother me because we all have the wedding that we want. But to ban a tiny baby is ridiculous.

I would not reply for now, wait until nearer the time and see what happens, it might not even go ahead anyway, or you might not be well enough to attend, so there is no point in falling out over it now.

Gojuchang · 21/02/2021 13:23

Anyone who’s had a baby will understand and will be secretly judging her if she makes snide comments about you not being there. In normal years, August is a bit shit to choose anyway as many people would have booked their summer holidays for then too.

ktp100 · 21/02/2021 13:23

No new Mum is happy to leave their baby for a day in the first week or so and I think she knows that. It sounds like your relationship is a tad bitter from her end and she's making sure the day is about her. It doesn't sound like she'd appreciate family members cooing over your baby on 'her day'.

Well done for speaking to her and letting her know you won't be there from the off. No need to feel bad about it in the slightest.

I do agree with the PP who said it's likely that your non-attendance will be a talking point of the day between guests anyway. Doesn't sound like she'll enjoy that but it's her doing.

2021namechanger · 21/02/2021 13:25

I can’t believe your DM won’t say anything to her. Not necessarily saying she’s wrong - but laying out clearly why her expectations are unrealistic.

IME many first babies are pretty late as well - so there’s actually a strong chance you’ll be giving birth!

MessAllOver · 21/02/2021 13:34

Would your ILs even be willing to look after a breastfed baby that young, away from its mother. Mine wouldn't, and they're great. Huge responsibility.

Are you local to where the wedding is going to be held? If so, could you maybe attend the ceremony to keep the family peace while your DH cares for the baby? Then give the reception a miss. Tbh, I wouldn't even do that (you'll be feeling rough) but it might be a good compromise.

Your sister is being VVU.

HitchFlix · 21/02/2021 13:39

I'd never even heard of a "childfree" wedding until joining mumsnet. So weird to me but I'm not from the UK and where I'm from weddings are huge family affairs. Seems odd and cold to ban children - especially a newborn! There's no way on this earth I'd leave my brand new baby with anyone to go to a wedding. I'm very close to my sisters and I wouldn't even do it for them - the difference being they'd never in a million years ask me to or expect it. YANBU

Smellybluecheese · 21/02/2021 13:50

My husband’s brother got married 3 weeks after I had my daughter. We left her with my parents while we went to the ceremony and didn’t stay for the reception. It was still by far the worst experience I had in the newborn days (we had to travel 100 miles, we were absolutely m knackered, I still wasn’t fully recovered from c section). Neither of us can remember a thing about the actual wedding. I was on edge the whole time missing my baby but I had a massive bee in my bonnet about not wanting loads of people gawping at my baby/ germs so I really didn’t want to take her so we went for the minimum time possible. It was awful. YANBU.

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