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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Not going to my sister's wedding

311 replies

Rose924 · 14/01/2021 09:34

I'm currently 13 weeks pregnant, due July 21st. My sister got engaged at Christmas, and has announced they plan to get married on 7th August. She knew I was pregnant and due late July before picking this date.

I messaged her to say congratulations, but given the timing, and that I was meant to be bridesmaid, I wanted to curb any expectations that I'd be up for usual bridesmaid duties - with a brand new newborn I'm not going to be available for 7am hair and make up and dancing at midnight.

She replied to say that it was 'annoying timing' that everything was happening around the same time, although she literally just picked this date and even making it a month later would make it so much easier for me to attend, that I didn't need to be bridesmaid, and that they'd planned a child-free wedding anyway so would appreciate if I could leave the baby with in-laws. Depending on when I go into labour I could have a days old baby that I plan to breastfeed, am I being unreasonable being outraged that she'd ask that?

I haven't replied as I was so angry and upset, but phoned my mum. She said she wasn't even sure the wedding would go ahead due to covid restrictions, and was reluctant to say anything to her as she didn't want to get involved. Last night on the phone she said 'well you had a child-free wedding too' - a little different as we had no nieces/nephews/children we were close to at the time so it was just distant cousin's kids, and all were 2.5+.

It's really stressing me out and I feel this may damage my relationship with my sister long term, what would you do?

OP posts:
Lorw · 14/01/2021 12:20

I was due to have my wedding in March (we are already married but just did registry office with just us so decided to have a proper wedding ) but it’s now been postponed to October. I’ve just found out my brother will be having a baby in August, I think we are at the unspoken understanding of he won’t come and tbh I’m not really that fussed because I can’t change the date now as we couldn’t be picky in any case and even though my step children will be there I don’t want any other children especially babies there(weddings aren’t the place for babies anyways) I think she’s probably just being a selfish bride which she’s entitled to be to a certain point and I’m sure she will get over it, weddings just like babies are a big deal. I would politely decline and I wouldn’t even go heavily pregnant. I’m sure you and her can celebrate another way and I would maybe put that to her 😁

Ilovenewyear · 14/01/2021 12:27

YANBU OP. I’d try and make the ceremony if local but I wouldn’t go to the reception. Chances are, you will still be physically recovering from the birth and won’t be able to make it regardless.

I would just say to her that the timing means you can’t commit to going but wish her well. Push the reason (the date) back to her. As I said, YANBU.

A friend of ours brought her very young baby to a child free wedding (with the brides blessing). She spent the entire evening talking about the birth in graphic detail to anyone who would listen, spent hours complaining about her husband, who was apparently useless... and pushing the baby onto everyone for ‘cuddles’. No one was particularly keen after having had a few drinks and in their best clothes but she was insistent. It did feel a bit cringe tbh.

GypsyLee · 14/01/2021 12:27

@peak2021

Politely decline, wish her well, ask what she would like for a wedding present.
This.
Honeyroar · 14/01/2021 12:29

She probably has absolutely no idea what you’re going to have going on at the time of her wedding- I haven’t a clue either as I’ve not had children myself, so it might not be just her being a bridezilla. I’d tell her she might not have quite understood what having a newborn involves and that you can’t decide or commit about anything in early August until you know where you are with the baby. Tell her you’re really upset that you’ve been put in the position to have to make this decision, but have no choice.

murbblurb · 14/01/2021 12:29

if there is one plus from covid, maybe the fuckwit wedding 'industry' will die and the stupider end of the female population will stop doing the 'me me me' thing for a one day frilly frock event.

just ignore, all her stipulations are too stupid to worry about. And hope her fiance doesn't find out about all this as he may decide that he doesn't want to marry a selfish thicko.

VickyEadieofThigh · 14/01/2021 12:35

I don't know the answer but some of you who have kids might:

Is Covid a risk to small babies? Because it certainly won't be gone by August and any mixing that Rose924 and her partner might do at such a gathering could potentially infect their newborn...

Hellotrees · 14/01/2021 12:37

Ok so in your sister's mind this is completely reasonable since she doesn’t have kids, and you got your kid free wedding.

Reality is that it will be really hard for you. I attended a child free wedding when my child was six months old. He was still exclusively breast fed, and it was the first time I’d left him during the day with a babysitter. He cried non stop (despite being the most chilled out baby ever). I had to leave the wedding early- after 3 hours. It was too stressful for baby, babysitter, and by extension, me! I don’t think my (still) child free mate has ever really understood the reality. Now I have older kids it sounds mad even to me. But that was the reality.

cordelia16 · 14/01/2021 12:38

My first baby was two weeks late. I had to be induced, had every method of intervention possible, then had a C-section. I was puffed up beyond recognition for two days. My baby had severe jaundice, so was kept in hospital for a week (as was I obvs). Using your timeframe, that would have put me and baby out of hospital on 11 August.

Not saying this would happen to you (and praying it doesn't!), but you just never know how a first birth is going to go. Tell your sister that you can't commit. Even if your birth goes well, and on time, the baby would be much too young to be left on his/her own, not to mention how difficult it would be for you.

Higgeldypiggeldy35 · 14/01/2021 12:39

Honestly I think some people are utterly clueless about babies, new borns and the ins and outs of caring for them especially in the early months. If she ever has kids of her own she will look back and cringe and what's she is expecting of you. There's no way you'll be able to go for the whole day unless baby can go with you and even that is assuming it's local, that you're feeling up to it and you're managing ok. I hope it's just cluelessness combined with bridezilla tunnel vision, otherwise she is just being completely unreasonable

goose1964 · 14/01/2021 12:39

Depending on how late in July you're due you could still be pregnant😉

Quartz2208 · 14/01/2021 12:44

They are asking if a best you could leave a 3 week old and at worst a 3 day old baby with your inlaws.

No you know cant and you arent be unreasonable and your baby is your priority

ServeTheServants · 14/01/2021 12:44

I was going to say that you’d likely be fine to attend a wedding that soon after birth (it’s not ideal, but it’s totally do-able)...however, her requesting that you leave your newborn with your in laws is completely unreasonable. Unfortunately she just won’t understand until (if) she has her own child.

ethelredhead · 14/01/2021 12:44

She knows what she's doing - she doesn't want you there hogging the limelight with a huge bump or worse - a BABY!

But don't worry it's unlikely we will all be allowed out by August so when it does happen you can turn up with a real screamer and ruin it for everyone just as she fears.

TurquoiseDress · 14/01/2021 12:48

YANBU

For now, I'd do what Gin suggests- there's no point going in all guns blazing at this point, you are early on in the pregnancy there is no point having big arguments now about a date in August & falling out with you sister.

Playing Devil's advocate, does your sister have much flexibility with the date? it might be the only one available that suits her & her fiancé, I imagine there is probably lots of demand on wedding venues with rearranged dates etc

Whatever happens, leaving a tiny baby for an entire day is not reasonable at all.

Another point, even if you are not BF it's still unreasonable to be expected to leave a newborn for even a few hours, if you are not comfortable with this.

When DC2 was 1week old & my in-laws arrived for 1 month, DH kept putting so much pressure on me to leave the baby with his parents for a few hours so they could "make the most of it", part of his argument was that I wasn't breastfeeding so it didn't matter re who fed the baby.
I was raging about this!

Sorry I digress Blush

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 14/01/2021 12:48

I was going to say you should whatever to go to your sister’s wedding. But given she knew your due date and booked her wedding at most awkward time with no consideration I think YANBU. Especially as she’s having a child free wedding. That normally applies to kids over 1 who can be left for a few hours.

LondonJax · 14/01/2021 12:52

Of course you can't leave a baby that age with someone else (quite apart from all the other 'stuff' involved with being bridesmaid or even just a guest).

Just tell her, if you're breast feeding, baby is probably going to be on two hour feeds, possibly erratic with those too. You're probably still be getting to grips with the breast feeding. If you're fine with it, it can take time to get to grips with expressing milk. And baby may not take milk from a bottle. If you're bottle feeding, you'll still be on frequent feeds and, again, baby may need time to get to grips with those. If baby is only, possibly, 3 days old it'll be pretty near impossible to get any routine in place. You and your DP will have no idea what baby's needs will be until it is born. Plus you don't know what the birth will entail. We all hope an easy, natural birth but things happen - not things to worry about but just things that mean a quick birth or a natural birth may not be that straight forward. Potentially you could be recovering from a C section or other assistance in the birth.

What a daft thing to do! Why choose a date so close to a birth and then expect everyone to jump.

Good luck with baby. I'm sure it'll all be fine but don't put yourself through more stress for this. You, baby and DP are the only people who matter in this at the moment.

GabsAlot · 14/01/2021 12:53

no you wont be able to do that and you could even be late having the baby and be in hpsital so you really cant be a brdiesmaid for sure-has she got certain dresses planned aswell as that wontbe possible either

lobsteroll · 14/01/2021 12:55

She sounds bonkers. There is no way you'd be leaving a week old baby with in-laws 🤣🤣 did you laugh when she suggested that? I would have!

Like others have said, you don't need to say anything else now. Chances are that baby won't have even arrived by then, or Covid prevents the wedding from taking place? A million things could happen and you've given her a heads up. That's as much as she deserves at this stage.

TicTac80 · 14/01/2021 12:55

My DD was born on 24/8, my SIL’s wedding was 31/8 and my bro’s wedding was 14/9! Both couples were wonderful with being flexible and saying show up if you feel up to it. I stayed only very briefly at SIL’s wedding (but my son there for the day as he was a pageboy). For my brother’s wedding, I stayed the whole day (but everyone understood that I’d need to disappear off for feeds etc). Luckily both weddings allowed children, but even that was hard going (DD was poorly with reflux and had a tongue tie, I was recovering from quite a heavy going birth).

You’re not unreasonable at all!

katy1213 · 14/01/2021 12:55

It's not about you. Or your baby. It's your sister's day - she's entitled to choose the date and I'd want a baby-free event, too.
You'd don't have to get your knickers in a twist, just say, sorry you can't be there and wish her a happy day. You're not the central character and it doesn't matter if you cry off, quite honestly nobody will notice.

BlueSussex · 14/01/2021 12:56

Actually I think @ethelredhead has hit the nail on the head there.....

Ginfordinner · 14/01/2021 13:00

my sister said she completely understood if I wanted to take a step back or just be a day bridesmaid rather than full on

What exactly are "full bridesmaid duties"?
What ever happened to just being an attendant for the day?

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 14/01/2021 13:04

If the ceremony is local you may be able to pop in for that if baby arrives on or just before due date. But definitely wouldn’t agree to commit to even more just say you will try if feeling well enough.

AvoidingNextdoorNeighbour · 14/01/2021 13:06

I'm not going to pile in on the sister saying how horrible she is. It's clear she's just completely fucking clueless, that's all. I mean, there's certainly a bridezilla in her but no one who has even the slightest knowledge of having babies would expect a mother to leave a possibly one week old baby for a full day. If she did know anything about babies and birth she would know that you'll very possibly be very, very sore, both boobs and bits. Your boobs could be leaking like crazy and engorged, you could still be bleeding and feeling generally gross (I was so disgusting for weeks after my firstborn. Greasy hair, spotty and overly sweaty no matter how many showers I managed) And then there's that whole attachment thing, where leaving a baby that young can cause great distress to you and the baby (and the in-laws trying to calm an inconsolable newborn who needs its mother). Another thing is that a baby may not even take a bottle when breast fed. My middle child didn't. She could only drink from the source as a newborn.

Just leave it for now. Don't get into an argument, just reiterate that it won't be possible but you wish them a wonderful day. Your DSis has two choices. Accept you cannot go and don't kick up a stink about it, or change the date. That's it. By choosing that date she has made it so you cannot go.

Hellotrees · 14/01/2021 13:10

@AvoidingNextdoorNeighbour yes, all round. And actually, my 6 month old hadn’t been trained to take a bottle, so wouldn’t either. It sounds old now, many years later, but that’s how things were. Non stop crying (screaming) while I was at the wedding. Very attached baby - attached to me! (Now an independent older child!) Your new born will need you, and will be like this times a thousand.