AIBU Not going to my sister's wedding

[Rose924]

I'm currently 13 weeks pregnant, due July 21st. My sister got engaged at Christmas, and has announced they plan to get married on 7th August. She knew I was pregnant and due late July before picking this date.

I messaged her to say congratulations, but given the timing, and that I was meant to be bridesmaid, I wanted to curb any expectations that I'd be up for usual bridesmaid duties - with a brand new newborn I'm not going to be available for 7am hair and make up and dancing at midnight.

She replied to say that it was 'annoying timing' that everything was happening around the same time, although she literally just picked this date and even making it a month later would make it so much easier for me to attend, that I didn't need to be bridesmaid, and that they'd planned a child-free wedding anyway so would appreciate if I could leave the baby with in-laws. Depending on when I go into labour I could have a days old baby that I plan to breastfeed, am I being unreasonable being outraged that she'd ask that?

I haven't replied as I was so angry and upset, but phoned my mum. She said she wasn't even sure the wedding would go ahead due to covid restrictions, and was reluctant to say anything to her as she didn't want to get involved. Last night on the phone she said 'well you had a child-free wedding too' - a little different as we had no nieces/nephews/children we were close to at the time so it was just distant cousin's kids, and all were 2.5+.

It's really stressing me out and I feel this may damage my relationship with my sister long term, what would you do?

Is this your first? And is the first child in the family for a while?

I'm just wondering has your mum forgotten the realities of a tiny baby and giving birth. It's fine not to get involved but it sounds like your sister needs to learn a few things about breastfeeding and recovery times.

I was in no fit state to attend a wedding. I'll spare you the details but it took me a very long time to recover from my emergency c section. Longer if you count the infection and Pnd.

But yeah I would do as pp suggested. You've told her the reality. Stay dignified and quiet. There's bigger all you can do about it!

I have no issues with child free weddings, in fact I prefer them and have never actually taken my kids to a wedding, even when invited.

HOWEVER to suggest you leave a weeks old baby for the whole day and evening is jus ridiculous!

If I were you I just wouldn't' go.

Bugger not bigger. My auto correct gets upset by my potty mouth apparently

And FWIW, I went to my grans funeral when DC2 was 3 weeks old, 3 weeks (20 days) post c section and people were amazed I'd made it. DC2 came with, quite as a mouse the whole time. People hadn't realised she was there until the wake.

4th trimester- you can't leave your baby that young with anyone else. Your sister is selfish and deluded. Either she changes the date, or allows you to bring baby and knows you won't be able to do bridesmaid duty or you can't go.

Don't go, your sister is unreasonable. We didn't go to my SIL's wedding for a similar reason. SIL kicked off big time to my DH (her brother) after the event, but he was implacable. That was years ago and it is all water under the bridge now - I actually really like her, she was just being a mad bridezilla at the time. Be like my DH, calm and implacable and do not rise to it, just don't go.

If you can’t bring the baby you can’t go. I’ve had 5 and am disgustingly “just get on with it” and I couldn’t do that. If she organised special places to sit/feeders and someone to help you might manage a bit BUT I wouldn’t be taking a teeny new baby to a huge party and you will be sore and still bleeding. It’s sadly not going to be possible for you to attend.

I think she's clueless does she have kids? If not she just doesn't understand and I wouldn't be so angry with her but keep your decisions as final

YANBU

If she has children of her own in the future, your Dsis is going to feel like a right dick about doing this. For now, all you can do is say you won’t be leaving your newborn baby and given the close proximity of due date and wedding date, cannot commit to attending. Honestly, it will make zero difference to her if your newborn is at the wedding (oh wait, perhaps she thinks she won’t be the centre of attention....). I had 2 newborns at mine and barely registered them apart from a couple of moments glimpsing some lovely gushing over them. I’m a big girl, could handle that all eyes were not on me for a few seconds

It’s not something to fall out about. Your sister clearly has no idea what giving birth and having a newborn involve and that’s not her fault. Just give her the benefit of the doubt and explain to her why the baby canny be left with grandparents so young, and also that no guarantee you will be well enough to attend.

What a drama!

She wants a child free wedding, therefore you can't go!

No point getting outraged about her suggestion that you have no intention of doing!

Good on your mum for not taking sides.

Just because you didn't feel close to the kids you didn't invite, doesn't mean it wasn't a pita for people to find childcare.

In some ways the 'childfree' bit puts you under less pressure, as it is more clear cut that it won't work for you. I think you need to be excited for her to show her you care, but stand your ground that you won't be leaving your baby.

Your mum is possibly not wanting to rock the boat if it might get postponed anyway.

She’s being a dick. And your mum isn’t much better tbh. While your sister may be clueless about newborns your mum has done it at least twice and it’s nothing to do with being stuck in the middle, she should tell your sister to stop being such a bratty princess and change the date or graciously accept that you can’t go because of what she’s decided.

Sorry your family are useless. Good luck with the baby!

I don't have kids and was never interesting in having them.

But I'd be feckin' FURIOUS if a sibling of mine did and said this! You cannot be expected to leave your newborn, even if s/he IS all of 3 weeks old by then! I'm outraged on your behalf.

It is hardly outrageous leaving a newborn in someone else's care. They won't even know who is looking after them. I looked after my nephew from 2 days old as my sister couldn't and he was absolutely fine.

She’s being a dick. And your mum isn’t much better tbh. While your sister may be clueless about newborns your mum has done it at least twice and it’s nothing to do with being stuck in the middle, she should tell your sister to stop being such a bratty princess and change the date or graciously accept that you can’t go because of what she’s decided.

Absolutely agree with this.

YANBU at all.

It's not "unfortunate timing" - she's deliberately picked that date knowing how close it is to your due date, so she can't be upset that you might be unable to make it.
Never mind covid - if you hadn't had the baby by then, you'd be being induced, and if you had had the baby it could have been only a few days before - so it's totally impractical for you to attend, and CERTAINLY NOT without the baby!!

Tough for her but she created this situation, not you.

Yeah, that's totally dickish.

Everyone I know who had a child free wedding still allowed brand new ones because otherwise WTF are you supposed to do with it?

She's being an arse.

That timing is just so tricky as there are so many unknowns. It does seem really odd that she would expect this of you! Even if you give birth a little early or on your due date, you'll still have a baby that is around 3 weeks old and no way in a routine with feeding. If the wedding isn't far away in terms of distance you could go to the ceremony with someone (in laws?) walking baby around outside.

Do you know what sort of reception it will be? I think I'd just tell her you can't make the reception without baby. I went to my brother's wedding when DS was 3 months and left him with a friend who lived a few doors down from the church for the ceremony (my choice) then took him to the reception. It was still a bit nerve wracking leaving him for approx an hour over the ceremony as he was breastfed and wasn't one for scheduled feeding!! he would take a bottle though so I left my friend with some expressed milk. And he was great at the reception as I could subtly feed him under a pashmina whenever so there was no crying and he had a decent nap while we were having drinks so I could chat to people.

I have this exact issue but it's me! I'm due on the 30th July my wedding is the 8th August. Timed that well!!!

I'm assuming your sister doesn't have any children therefore doesn't have the slightest idea what to expect. But that's no excuse! As soon as you explained the situation she should have listened and endeavoured to do what she could to make life easier for you.

I think she's very selfish. I also think your mum should have a word with her, surely she can see how unreasonable your sister is being.

I'm sorry OP, this is really touch situation to be in and totally unfair on you.

Is she quite young?Your sister is being a twat. You cannot leave your 2/3 week old baby with someone else! I think your mum needed to say sometime to be honest, now isn't the time for her to not get involved. You and your baby are the priority here, not your bratty bridezilla sister.

In your situation l can see why you wouldn’t be going. The annoying timing comment is unfortunately phrased. She knew you were pregnant and when you were due l assume. So she’s the one making the timings annoying, as she has control over when she gets married. You have little control about when your baby is due.

I haven’t had children yet but even l know you can’t leave a baby that young all day?! You had a child free wedding so l can see why she called you out of that in all fairness. But if she is that keen to have you there then why wait until after you gave birth?

yanbu in this instance, but your mother is right. Since you had a child free wedding, you can't complain about that aspect. Sounds like both sisters are quite unreasonable towards kids, and you reap what you sow.

Oh OP your sister's demands are laughable! I presume she's never had a baby? If it were me it'd be a definite no to attending; your poor body will need to recover if you've just had a baby. I'd be telling her you'll happily join in the pre-wedding planning and hope to be there on the day but realistically you'll have to see how you are, and there is no way you can leave a newborn baby at that age. She'll have to like it or lump it!