AIBU Not going to my sister's wedding

[Rose924]

I'm currently 13 weeks pregnant, due July 21st. My sister got engaged at Christmas, and has announced they plan to get married on 7th August. She knew I was pregnant and due late July before picking this date.

I messaged her to say congratulations, but given the timing, and that I was meant to be bridesmaid, I wanted to curb any expectations that I'd be up for usual bridesmaid duties - with a brand new newborn I'm not going to be available for 7am hair and make up and dancing at midnight.

She replied to say that it was 'annoying timing' that everything was happening around the same time, although she literally just picked this date and even making it a month later would make it so much easier for me to attend, that I didn't need to be bridesmaid, and that they'd planned a child-free wedding anyway so would appreciate if I could leave the baby with in-laws. Depending on when I go into labour I could have a days old baby that I plan to breastfeed, am I being unreasonable being outraged that she'd ask that?

I haven't replied as I was so angry and upset, but phoned my mum. She said she wasn't even sure the wedding would go ahead due to covid restrictions, and was reluctant to say anything to her as she didn't want to get involved. Last night on the phone she said 'well you had a child-free wedding too' - a little different as we had no nieces/nephews/children we were close to at the time so it was just distant cousin's kids, and all were 2.5+.

It's really stressing me out and I feel this may damage my relationship with my sister long term, what would you do?

I'm sorry but you'd have to be a complete moron to think someone would be up for a wedding right after giving birth, even IF you had no idea what birth was like. You can justify it all you want but SHE booked the date KNOWING her sister was due- the fault is entirely hers. I wonder if she's a bit jealous and is trying to overshadow her tbh.

^This. I think any grown adult is capable of knowing this. Even if they didn’t, though, they would surely be able to listen to someone explaining it to them??

Your DSis is being massively unreasonable.

Just say no. If you have a c section and are bfing you will not want to be at a wedding with a new baby. Just no. Its not particularly fashionable at the moment but its OK to prioritise yourself as a new mum. A word of caution from a FTM that didn't - i was a called a Princess for wanting early mat leave, for wanting rest and was bullied by both my boss and MIL in pretending all was fine. I was also due in August in a heatwave. My mid July I was signed off work but the damage was done. I had overdone it and now have long term back problems. I also had high blood pressure and baby was soo stressed she wasn't growing. She nearly died. Don't do it to yourself or your baby.

@HitchFlix

I'd never even heard of a "childfree" wedding until joining mumsnet. So weird to me but I'm not from the UK and where I'm from weddings are huge family affairs. Seems odd and cold to ban children - especially a newborn! There's no way on this earth I'd leave my brand new baby with anyone to go to a wedding. I'm very close to my sisters and I wouldn't even do it for them - the difference being they'd never in a million years ask me to or expect it. YANBU

^^ this totally! I married over 20 years ago and I’m pretty sure it was unheard of to have a child-free wedding back then. Nowadays some people like to go OTT with their wedding design to have a wedding where everything looks perfect. Much better to have a fun family affair imo.

And your sister is obviously completely unreasonable. There’s no was you could leave your baby at that age. For one thing your boobs would be leaking all over the place! You wouldn’t be wanting strangers (to your baby) giving her or him a bottle. Plus you don’t know what sort of state you’ll be in. And if that state is still pregnant, you won’t want to be a bridesmaid then anyway!

"Ever since childhood, any success or joy in my life has been shrouded in guilt and not celebrated by my parents for fear of upsetting my sister - doing well at school, having close friends, graduating, having a happy relationship, being successful in my career, getting married."

OP, not wishing to fan the flames but maybe there is a clue in here... she might not be too put out about the ill-timing if it is possible that she could be a bit jealous of any attention landing on you or your newborn. It seems very petty but if that is her nature, maybe it fits...

Thanks all for your feedback. Since I posted a month ago I haven’t heard from my sister again. I have however heard through my mum that she now intends to invite us, including baby, to the wedding. My mum asked if I would go for her sake, and that she believed my sister was only repeating the wishes of her husband to be. She also said that she hoped we could all enjoy the build up to her wedding. I have said that if I’m able of course I will attend, but I’d like my sister to talk to be directly about it, as it doesn’t feel very welcoming and if it’s going to be awkward I’d rather just leave it. I have a suspicion that this is coming about now as it is my birthday next week, and she knows it wouldn’t go down well with my parents if she was to ignore my birthday.

Good luck OP! It’s stressful enough anyway having a baby without feeling like you and your baby aren’t welcome somewhere. Maybe a blessing in disguise if you’re a bit late x

Oh dear, hopefully it’s a case of lockdown giving her too much time to think and she’ll have a more sensitive and sensible head on her next time you speak.

Happy birthday for next week

Your sis is brain dead and I’m amazed your mum has said anything. Yes your baby could be early and you might be bouncing around, doing yoga fit as a flea. Or it’s just as likely that you have massive tits, spraying milk everywhere and are sitting on a haemorrhoid cushion. It’s utterly utterly unreasonable of her. I’ve had mates recover brilliantly but baby has had issues, mates going back into hospital, mates leaking milk like some sort of spouting geyser, the one accidentally haemorrhaging blood down one leg whilst saying she was ‘fine’
Honestly your sis is off her trolley. And your mum really ought to have said so!

I would say you can no longer be a bridesmaid and you want to breastfeed your baby but not everyone can breastfeed. I would tell your sister you will attend if you can but no guarantees as if baby is 12 days late and a c section you may have only been home from hospital a few days. Baby could be jaundiced and kept in hospital. You just can't guarantee. However I might try to go with DH and baby and DH could stay in hotel room with baby whilst I attended service then DH collect me and take me back to hotel and I feed baby whilst DH went to reception. I am very close to all my sisters. I would do it for them if I felt up to it but you won't know until the time. There again none of my sisters would do this to me.

@Rose924

Thanks all for your feedback. Since I posted a month ago I haven’t heard from my sister again. I have however heard through my mum that she now intends to invite us, including baby, to the wedding. My mum asked if I would go for her sake, and that she believed my sister was only repeating the wishes of her husband to be. She also said that she hoped we could all enjoy the build up to her wedding. I have said that if I’m able of course I will attend, but I’d like my sister to talk to be directly about it, as it doesn’t feel very welcoming and if it’s going to be awkward I’d rather just leave it. I have a suspicion that this is coming about now as it is my birthday next week, and she knows it wouldn’t go down well with my parents if she was to ignore my birthday.

Hmmmmm - that might just be your mum's wishful thinking, she might still be trying to talk your sister round! As for blaming her husband to be - pah!

If your sister doesn't contact you herself then I think you would be wise to just leave it, because if your parents have, for once, coerced her into doing something she doesn't really want to, it will be horrible.

And there is still the situation that you might not physically be able to attend anyway!

A lot depends on how far you'd have to travel to get to this wedding - if it's more than an hour, it's tricky with a newborn anyway, they shouldn't be in car seats for too long.

Plus there's your general discomfort post-partum, and the bleeding, and the baby blues and so on. If you've had a CS, then there's the discomfort from that - the thing is that NO ONE can know in advance how you're going to feel or what state you're going to be in, so even if your sister has begrudgingly agreed for baby to come along, it STILL might not be an option.

But you definitely need for your sister to contact you to talk about it without go-betweens, as things tend to become a little, um, diluted when they go through a 3rd interested party.

@WhereYouLeftIt - I 100% agree that the parents should shoulder the blame for the monster - my only caveat was that now was maybe not the best time to lay that on them. At some point, though, they should definitely have it cast up to them!

Does anyone seriously enjoy the build up to a wedding that isn't their own? maybe the bride/groom's parents but that's about it.

Play it by ear, OP