AIBU Not going to my sister's wedding

[Rose924]

I'm currently 13 weeks pregnant, due July 21st. My sister got engaged at Christmas, and has announced they plan to get married on 7th August. She knew I was pregnant and due late July before picking this date.

I messaged her to say congratulations, but given the timing, and that I was meant to be bridesmaid, I wanted to curb any expectations that I'd be up for usual bridesmaid duties - with a brand new newborn I'm not going to be available for 7am hair and make up and dancing at midnight.

She replied to say that it was 'annoying timing' that everything was happening around the same time, although she literally just picked this date and even making it a month later would make it so much easier for me to attend, that I didn't need to be bridesmaid, and that they'd planned a child-free wedding anyway so would appreciate if I could leave the baby with in-laws. Depending on when I go into labour I could have a days old baby that I plan to breastfeed, am I being unreasonable being outraged that she'd ask that?

I haven't replied as I was so angry and upset, but phoned my mum. She said she wasn't even sure the wedding would go ahead due to covid restrictions, and was reluctant to say anything to her as she didn't want to get involved. Last night on the phone she said 'well you had a child-free wedding too' - a little different as we had no nieces/nephews/children we were close to at the time so it was just distant cousin's kids, and all were 2.5+.

It's really stressing me out and I feel this may damage my relationship with my sister long term, what would you do?

Nothing wrong with child free weddings and everything wrong with having a tantrum when someone won't leave their kids for your wedding

AT present i would say and do nothings, after the year we’ve just had who knows if weddings will go ahead this year.

I have a feeling your sister wants to steal your thunder. She knows the baby will be a big family moment and wants to put all the attention back on her. MY brother and sil did this and arranged theirs babies baotism just after my baby was due. They wanted all the attention off of me(sil for some reason has always been jealous) however it backfired as I had a week old baby at my nephews baptism and unfortunately for him all the attention was on my baby.

Sil had a face like thunder all day, I think she expected me to say we wouldn’t be there!

I fine child free weddings so selfish. I had kids at my wedding and I didn’t even notice them. They are there parents responsibility, but to not have children it makes it really hard for some people to attend. So selfish. Also you having a tiny baby (first time mum?) no way could you leave a days old baby. I wasn’t ready to leave my first until he was 9 months!

I cannot understand justifying the bride's decisions in this case. A wedding ceremony is about making vows in public but particularly in front of two families. The B & G are also acting as hosts to their most loved ones who will be their guests.I know that some bride and grooms can not afford lots of children at their wedding and indeed can sympathise with those who don't want their ceremony interrupted by children potentially taking the limelight but to plan one's wedding on a day that will be difficult for one's sister and then to make an arbitrary and unnecessary rule about new born babies is just self centred in the extreme.

You know and obviously your Mum knows she is slightly crazy to think this is sensible. She obviously doesn't even realise that if you had had the baby, you yourself may not feel well enough/healed enough depending on the birth, to be able to go. If she expects you to be bridesmaid still, there is the extra stress of fitting in the dress. Your Mum knows she is bonkers but is being realistic in that it is likely to not happen and just leave it for now. But she could of had a small realistic word with your sister that her birth expectations need to drastically change. And this is all without even mentioning actually leaving the baby. As someone else said she has decided for you that your baby shouldn't attend. So now you decide if you want to. I think she is being selfish, maybe a good one to remind her about when she is pregnant in the future

She can pick whatever date she wants but she also has to accept the consequences. I can't imagine any loving sister pick a wedding date within weeks of her sister's due date. If she really wanted you there, she would have picked a different date. When i got married, i made sure the dates worked for the people that were important to me, that's what most people do.

Tbh, she's the one damaging your relationship. DO NOT SAY ANYTHING, she will turn this into a drama. Just leave her to it and accept she has made her choice.

It’s simply impossible to leave your baby at that age. And you shouldn’t feel you have to try. She doesn’t understand what she is asking of you.

Unless there is a genuine reason why your Dsis must be married this summer, I find the timing questionable. Why would anyone pick a date that they know would not work for their sister and bridesmaid? Yes it’s her choice, but it’s an odd choice. I would just leave it, and if anybody asks you direct I would simply say, if the baby has arrived by then I will not be attending. You cannot leave a newborn with someone else: the only people who suggest this are those who have never had children. Plus, you will have no idea what physical shape you will be in… After DC2 I was pretty much back on my feet after a couple of days. DC1, and I was sitting on a rubber ring for over a month and feeling like I’d been hit by a train.

Nothing wrong with her wanting a childfree wedding, nor her booking her wedding so soon after your due date. It is her wedding, after all. She can do what she likes for it.

But she can't now be pissy with you for not being able to attend. What on earth did she expect? You can't just bugger off and leave your days old baby with a baby sitter for the day. It's absurd. And that would be best case scenario - not all births go to plan. My daughter and I were both stuck in hospital for a couple of weeks after the birth for various reasons that I won't go into.

I would say nothing about it for now. See what happens. Things are so up in the air right now, you may not even need to raise this with her.

That did make me grin a bit though. It's always a bit different when it's you, isn't it? Yes, yes, distant cousins, all over 2.5, yours is a newborn... but you wanted and had a childfree wedding, your sister wants a childfree wedding, I can't get on board with the 'ops sister is terrible' ranting in this thread.

@unmarkedbythat I don't think the OP's sister is terrible. A bit clueless perhaps, but do you honestly not see a difference in the OPs situation in not wanting toddlers at her wedding - fine (which her sister doesn't want either - also fine) and the OP's sister actually arranging her wedding two weeks after her own sister is due to give birth? I'm not sure how anyone can't see a massive difference in these situations.

Your sister has no concept of what is involved in dealing with newborn babies or breastfeeding; if or when she is in that position, she may realise belatedly how ridiculous she is being. For now all you can say is that (1) for all you know, you could be in labour on the day of her wedding, (2) if the baby has been born it is absolutely impossible to leave a breastfed newborn with anyone else and (3) if it hasn't been born you need to stay within easy reach of the hospital. So, come what may, being a bridesmaid is out of the picture.

@WhereamI88

She can pick whatever date she wants but she also has to accept the consequences. I can't imagine any loving sister pick a wedding date within weeks of her sister's due date. If she really wanted you there, she would have picked a different date. When i got married, i made sure the dates worked for the people that were important to me, that's what most people do.

Tbh, she's the one damaging your relationship. DO NOT SAY ANYTHING, she will turn this into a drama. Just leave her to it and accept she has made her choice.

This.

She can pick her date but she has to accept the consequences.

It doesn't sound like she is that pushed if you go either way.

Honestly she's not worth getting upset about.

You could try and go into labour during the night befoe and drag it out all of her wedding day...just to piss her off😙🤣

@GlobeUs

You are not being unreasonable to manage you sisters expectations.

However, she may not have had much choice in the date - weddings have been delayed for the last year so venues are incredibly full at the moment.

Of course she has a choice. She may not want to delay the wedding, but there is no reason why she couldn't delay it if she did want to.

You've done the right thing, explained the situation politely, now as others have said leave it.

My DS was born (a week early) on the day of my SILs wedding. I told them all along I wouldn't be going as I'd either be ready to pop, or with a new baby. It went in one ear and out the other the whole time, every time I told them I wasn't going, but they ignored me anyway. They set two places for us, and obviously they were left empty.

After the birth, DH managed to get to the hotel for an hour for his sisters actual wedding and he's in a couple of hastily taken wedding photos, then came straight back to the hospital.

We still had a ridiculous aunt asking why on earth we hadn't bought DS to the wedding so everyone could meet him!

She’s “allowed” you to step aside from bridesmaid duties. Her polite request is ridiculous. I also think you should say nothing for now. The request doesn’t warrant a reply just yet.

Text to your sister:

Dear DSis

I'm absolutely honoured to be invited to your bridesmaid, but since DC is due very close to your wedding, it just can't give the commitment that you will need so I am declining your very kind request.

It may be that DC is born on the early side, and that everything goes well, in which case we'd love to be at the service and meal and see how things go. However if places / finances are limited, then please count us out - I wouldn't like you to have two empty places.

Even if we don't come to the meal, we'll come to the venue and give you a wave if we can - but again - we don't know at this stage whether this will be possible.

I am sure that whatever happens, your wedding will be beautiful and I am just sorry that I can't commit at all to being with you in the way that you would like.

Love etc.

I think your sister is behaving horribly. Is tehre some massive back story where she doesn't like you or is struggling with fertility so is pissed off with you?

You are very unlikely to be able to go unless it's to pop into the ceremony for 20 mins. Don't be pressured into leaving a baby.

My wedding was about 2 week's after my SILs due date. Difference is I booked my wedding way before she was pregnant and even then i offered to move the date but she said not to. She ended up not making it, baby was about a week old (and invited) but her stitches were so bad she couldn't sit down.

As a mum it sounds unreasonable, but before I had babies I simply could not grasp how much work it is and how needy they are, so assuming she has no kids perhaps she just doesn’t get it and can’t see how it is unreasonable.

Families! Gatherings always bring out the worst and the best :)
Do you think she doesn't know much about babies/giving birth etc. or that she is being mean?

If she has chosen this date to be awkward - then say nothing and wait. It might never happen and there is no point in rising to her challenge. Of course you won't leave a newborn or risk giving birth at her ceremony. She will just have to deal with your absence.

If she doesn't know much and isn't being deliberately unkind:
-first tell her that you do really want to be there for her special day. Weddings can make the most reasonable people into bridezillas.
-warn her that the date means you could be in hospital
-explain that a newborn cannot be left (!)and that you will need recovery time (travel in a car might be painful).

• Sooth the bridzilla in her again and remind her that she is very important to her and that you are worried about the matters above.

Fingers crossed for family harmony - but best wishes for your own most joyful and life-changing event.

How far away will the wedding be?

If within about 30 minutes I'd tell her that I would try to turn up (with baby) to see her arrive and/or walk up the aisle, and then leave straight away.

If more than 30 minutes away, just tell her you can't be there.

'important to you' not to 'her' (though my error may be right too :) )

Just go to the ceremony and watch the marriage then leave. That’s what I did with a child free friend who had a child free wedding. I was 2 weeks post partum, left my just-fed baby with a helpful friend in the car, went to the church, watched them get married, had a glass of Buck’s Fizz and left! No sweat.

I really wouldn't stress over this OP, there's no point.

Please don't involve your poor mum

Just RSVP saying you will be unable to attend a child free wedding having just given birth, and you hope she has a lovely day.

If she chooses to be all bridezilla about it that is on her, not you. Ignore bad behaviour and reward the good - practice for when the baby gets a bit older

Have they booked somewhere yet for 7th August? I wouldn't be so sure it'll be possible, not only because there may still be Covid problems, but even if things are better, wedding venues will likely be full of people who have postponed from earlier. It won't be easy to get a booking in.

Politely decline, wish her well, ask what she would like for a wedding present.