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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Not going to my sister's wedding

311 replies

Rose924 · 14/01/2021 09:34

I'm currently 13 weeks pregnant, due July 21st. My sister got engaged at Christmas, and has announced they plan to get married on 7th August. She knew I was pregnant and due late July before picking this date.

I messaged her to say congratulations, but given the timing, and that I was meant to be bridesmaid, I wanted to curb any expectations that I'd be up for usual bridesmaid duties - with a brand new newborn I'm not going to be available for 7am hair and make up and dancing at midnight.

She replied to say that it was 'annoying timing' that everything was happening around the same time, although she literally just picked this date and even making it a month later would make it so much easier for me to attend, that I didn't need to be bridesmaid, and that they'd planned a child-free wedding anyway so would appreciate if I could leave the baby with in-laws. Depending on when I go into labour I could have a days old baby that I plan to breastfeed, am I being unreasonable being outraged that she'd ask that?

I haven't replied as I was so angry and upset, but phoned my mum. She said she wasn't even sure the wedding would go ahead due to covid restrictions, and was reluctant to say anything to her as she didn't want to get involved. Last night on the phone she said 'well you had a child-free wedding too' - a little different as we had no nieces/nephews/children we were close to at the time so it was just distant cousin's kids, and all were 2.5+.

It's really stressing me out and I feel this may damage my relationship with my sister long term, what would you do?

OP posts:
Heyahun · 14/01/2021 10:45

lolz yeah you just can't go then ! leave her to it! it probably won't go ahead as planned in August anyway so I really would put it out of your mind for now.

my friend was like this although I was just a guest not a bridesmaid - my baby is due in Feb - her wedding is end of March - she said its child free - so I said that's totally understandable - but means we have to sadly decline! then she said well why can't you just pump and leave the baby with your mum?? - the wedding is first of all in a different Country (ireland) my mum is there - but the expectation was that I fly home with newborn, leave baby with my Mum, then drive for 3 hours to the wedding - having pumped enough to leave for my baby while i leave it for about 36 hours!! hahah

I just said to her look i'll have to wait til baby is here as it is my first and I don't know what the baby will be like, how it will behave, how I will feel etc - but that I couldn't commit to coming - she was annoyed about it!

ANYWAY - her wedding is now moved to 2022 so i'm now in the clear

But yeah I think your sister - like my friend just have no idea about newborn's and what its like etc!!

OhCaptain · 14/01/2021 10:45

YABU to drag your mum into it by ringing her to bitch behind your sister’s back.

There’s no need for this level of drama. It’s months away. You’re not a bridesmaid. It mightn’t even happen.

Viviennemary · 14/01/2021 10:48

I wouldn't go. And everyone knows there isn't an exact date for giving birth. And nobody knows what restrictions will be in place in August.

JohnMiddleNameRedactedSwanson · 14/01/2021 10:49

YANBU but be warned that your child-free wedding will be chucked back at you. She won't care that the context was different. I didn't know about the babes-in-arms rule when I got married at 26 but it wasn't relevant to any of our friends or family.

You and baby will be a package deal. Just leave it for now.

wildraisins · 14/01/2021 10:49

Obviously you are not being unreasonable.

Your sister knew all this before the decided on that date - if she cared so much about you being there then she should have chosen a different date. You can't exactly change your pregnancy at this point!!

NavyBerry · 14/01/2021 10:50

No need for them to invite you if they want a child free wedding. Send them a card

ParisJeTAime · 14/01/2021 10:51

People can be very clueless about babies. I remember being invited on a girls weekend when my dd was 3 months old. I had to decline and one of my best friends was secretly annoyed and thought I was being a drama llama. She told me this much later, after she'd had her first dc and was laughing at herself because she realised she would also not have been able to leave her baby at that age for a whole weekend. I know plenty of people do, but her being annoyed I couldn't was quite funny. We are still very close but just thought it was funny how you assume how easy parenting life will be like before you have a baby.

Landofthefree · 14/01/2021 10:51

I agree with the advice to say nothing for now. When the wedding is next mentioned by either your mum or sister, tell them again that you won’t be attending without your newborn baby.

Your sister can choose to get married whenever she wants. You cannot predict or change when your baby arrives. Your baby’s welfare and your health have to be your only priority here.

81Byerley · 14/01/2021 10:51

Don't fall out with her over this, just tell her you really want to be with her on her special day, but you can't make plans because of the baby. Someone suggested perhaps you could be there just for the ceremony, and perhaps this will be a good compromise if someone could be outside with the baby. One day, if she has children, she will look back and understand.

Schoolchoicesucks · 14/01/2021 10:52

Had she asked you to be bridesmaid or are you assuming?

Of course you can't be expected to leave your 1-3 week old baby with in-laws for a day. She is being very U about that. But I wonder if it may have been an angry response to you telling her you wouldn't be able to do full bridesmaid duties, rather than a thought out reply.

I would leave it a while before responding. Engage generally in chit chat and asking her about the wedding plans. Don't make it all about you (not suggesting you were, but she may feel that way).

When the time comes, if the wedding is local and you are up to attending then go - your partner or in-laws could have they baby outside the ceremony if necessary.

If she won't back down on allowing the baby to attend the reception, then all you can do is show your face, greet relatives, congratuate her and her husband then discretely leave.

Scaredykittycat · 14/01/2021 10:53

I assume she doesn’t have children therefore doesn’t understand. I’d leave it for now.

CaramelWaferAndTea · 14/01/2021 10:55

I have been a bridesmaid with a six week old to a friend (child free wedding too, but in the end I wasn't the only one with a newborn!), and also have a sister who's been married twice and is a horror, total bridezilla. And a mum who is as eager to avoid angering the sister-beast as yours seems to be!

I would just ignore the bits that are so rude as to be ridiculous, and turn up on the day if you can with a baby strapped to you in a sling and smile through it. If you can't you can't. There is no point in trying to get justice as it won't work. All the angst in advance won't help. Just enjoy your pregnancy and baby and ignore the drama.

CaramelWaferAndTea · 14/01/2021 10:56

PS I find this easier to advise than to actually do but it is the best course of action! :)

MatildaTheCat · 14/01/2021 10:58

There’s no stress needed here. You can’t attend with those terms.

When she has a baby make sure you invite her to a very special occasion a couple of weeks later and exclude babies. She’ll get it then.

GlobeUs · 14/01/2021 10:59

You are not being unreasonable to manage you sisters expectations.

However, she may not have had much choice in the date - weddings have been delayed for the last year so venues are incredibly full at the moment.

Godimabitch · 14/01/2021 11:02

It clearly wasn't important to her that you were there so why worry about upsetting her?

Just say you cant leave a baby that age and you may well not even be recovered from birth at that stage. You hope she has a lovely wedding and you know she'll understand that due to the date she's chosen you're unable to go.

NoSleepInTheHeat · 14/01/2021 11:03

Just be clear and tell her that as she chose the date knowing you would have a newborn you are surprised that she is now saying it is a childfree wedding as it obviously means you can't attend. Say you are sad about it but understand that she has make a choice.
Leave it at that, hopefully she will realize how silly she is.

Russellbrandshair · 14/01/2021 11:05

Just be clear and tell her that as she chose the date knowing you would have a newborn you are surprised that she is now saying it is a childfree wedding as it obviously means you can't attend. Say you are sad about it but understand that she has make a choice

This is sensible.

Of course the sister can have a child free wedding if she wants. BUT, knowing the OP's due date and deliberately making the wedding at that time, she's gonna have to accept its likely she wont be able to attend!

Cant have it both ways I'm afraid....

unmarkedbythat · 14/01/2021 11:09

People have every right to have child free weddings and other people have every right to decline to attend them.

Last night on the phone she said 'well you had a child-free wedding too' - a little different as we had no nieces/nephews/children we were close to at the time so it was just distant cousin's kids, and all were 2.5+

That did make me grin a bit though. It's always a bit different when it's you, isn't it? Yes, yes, distant cousins, all over 2.5, yours is a newborn... but you wanted and had a childfree wedding, your sister wants a childfree wedding, I can't get on board with the 'ops sister is terrible' ranting in this thread.

opinionatedfreak · 14/01/2021 11:10

Just wait until she has her first child and remind her of this.

She is clueless about the realities of childbirth and parenting a newborn.

megafish · 14/01/2021 11:12

We had a child free wedding with the exception of one of DH's (very chilled out) friends who had brought her newborn. I did not even notice the newborn at all.

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 14/01/2021 11:12

I can't get on board with the 'ops sister is terrible' ranting in this thread

But the sister booked the wedding KNOWING her sis would be giving birth so how on earth can she now act pissy about it?

AnyTimeSoon · 14/01/2021 11:13

the very suggestion of leaving your newborn, would undoubtedly make me give this wedding a miss. She sounds like an utter self absorbed twat.

Plonque · 14/01/2021 11:13

This scenario happened to friends of mine, lots of uncertainty about wether the friend would be able to attend etc ... the bride being a bit of a cow about it all ... then the mum went into labour and they ended up being discharged from hospital on the day of the actual wedding.

Mum, dad and baby swing by the venue on the way home to congratulate her friend and see her in the finery etc (honestly happened, we were very surprised) and everyone piles over to new mum to coo over the baby and basically holds them hostage for a good hour until they can break away. Bride was absolutely fizzing about her thunder being stolen by "a fucking baby"
It was a sight to see! Really entertaining
If it all lines up, please tell me you'll do the same!?

ravenmum · 14/01/2021 11:13

Just nod and smile, don't commit to anything and see what happens.

I doubt she had much choice about the wedding date?

Back in the summer of 2020 they were already hard to get: *The 2020 wedding season has been decimated by coronavirus, forcing most couples to postpone. But with the race for 2021 dates already fiercely contested, it is likely that more people will have to make compromises to make sure they get a date in the diary. After all, when you've already cancelled once, why wait any longer?" www.bbc.com/news/business-53220841

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