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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Not going to my sister's wedding

311 replies

Rose924 · 14/01/2021 09:34

I'm currently 13 weeks pregnant, due July 21st. My sister got engaged at Christmas, and has announced they plan to get married on 7th August. She knew I was pregnant and due late July before picking this date.

I messaged her to say congratulations, but given the timing, and that I was meant to be bridesmaid, I wanted to curb any expectations that I'd be up for usual bridesmaid duties - with a brand new newborn I'm not going to be available for 7am hair and make up and dancing at midnight.

She replied to say that it was 'annoying timing' that everything was happening around the same time, although she literally just picked this date and even making it a month later would make it so much easier for me to attend, that I didn't need to be bridesmaid, and that they'd planned a child-free wedding anyway so would appreciate if I could leave the baby with in-laws. Depending on when I go into labour I could have a days old baby that I plan to breastfeed, am I being unreasonable being outraged that she'd ask that?

I haven't replied as I was so angry and upset, but phoned my mum. She said she wasn't even sure the wedding would go ahead due to covid restrictions, and was reluctant to say anything to her as she didn't want to get involved. Last night on the phone she said 'well you had a child-free wedding too' - a little different as we had no nieces/nephews/children we were close to at the time so it was just distant cousin's kids, and all were 2.5+.

It's really stressing me out and I feel this may damage my relationship with my sister long term, what would you do?

OP posts:
toolazytothinkofausername · 14/01/2021 09:53

Sorry, read your OP again.

Why doesn't your mum want to "get involved"? Does your mum always walk on eggshells around your sister?

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 14/01/2021 09:54

Did she know you were pregnant when she chose the date?

ParisJeTAime · 14/01/2021 09:57

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

Did she know you were pregnant when she chose the date?
Yes, it says that in the op Smile
Mrgrinch · 14/01/2021 09:57

You can't expect her to plan her wedding around you. Equally she can't expect you to prioritise her wedding over your newborn.

The obvious answer is that you don't go. If you are especially close with her and wanted to see the ceremony, I'm sure you could arrange that closer to the time depending on how you and the baby are doing. But if not, you must both accept that you won't be there.

frazzledasarock · 14/01/2021 09:58

After I had my first DC (two weeks overdue), I couldn't actually walk properly for ages as I was healing.

Tell her you want her to have the wedding of her dreams and so you will be bowing out.

She will cringe when she looks back on her behaviour.

SnuggyBuggy · 14/01/2021 09:59

All you can do is act with dignity and if she wants to be bridezilla then let her be bridezilla.

Anydreamwilldo12 · 14/01/2021 10:00

Your Sister is horrible, really horrible
I would tell her you will not be attending the wedding at all regardless of when your baby arrives and just leave it at that.

CareBear50 · 14/01/2021 10:00

I cannot believe how tone deaf your sister is.

I would let sleeping dogs lie for the moment but would be inwardly fuming.

Her behaviour is completely selfish and thoughtless

Threecouldbefour · 14/01/2021 10:00

I was a bridesmaid for my friend when my baby was five weeks old. It was the longest day of my life. I had started expressing milk from two weeks in order to build up a supply for dh to give our baby and by the time I the wedding day arrived my body obviously thought it was feeding twins. My boobs absolutely exploded which caused the zip on the side of my dress to break. My boobs look ridiculous on the photos. I forgot my breast pump and I started feeling really unwell when we stayed overnight at the hotel. Our baby didn't want any milk from me as she was full of expressed milk so there was no relief! Cue two nocturnal fire alarms where my husband had to physically lift me out of bed because I was in so much pain.

It also transpired my husband had been forced to change into his wedding attire in the middle of a forest after taking a wrong turn.

I would not recommend putting yourself under any pressure, nor feel guilty about saying no... Grin

FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken · 14/01/2021 10:01

Child free weddings don't often exclude very young babies anyway as they just feed/ sleep on their parents and are less disruptive than toddlers and dont need to be paid for. I'd just say to your sister that you're planning to breastfeed and you've looked it up and they could be cluster feeding at that age and the recommendations is that it's too young to introduce a bottle, so you wont be apart from the baby. You'll try and make the ceremony with your husband outside, and to let you know whether babies are allowed in the reception or not, it will be a shame if not as you are unlikely to be able to attend but it's up to her.
I'd hope she was just completely clueless about babies rather than not giving a shit about you and the baby. When I was young I'd not have considered breastfeeding or physical recovery from birth etc

Catty1720 · 14/01/2021 10:02

I was due to be a bridesmaid October just gone obviously the wedding didn’t happen but I had my DD in the may so she would have been 4 months and my sister said she completely understood if I wanted to take a step back or just be a day bridesmaid rather than full on if that makes sense. Maybe your sister just doesn’t realise what a newborn is like??

barofsoap · 14/01/2021 10:04

she has started bridezilla early on .

I would just tell her you won't be able to go if the baby is less than a month old or hasn't arrived yet.

HOS8595 · 14/01/2021 10:05

@toolazytothinkofausername

Sorry, read your OP again.

Why doesn't your mum want to "get involved"? Does your mum always walk on eggshells around your sister?

Presumably the sisters can actually talk to each other ... no need for others to get involved or pick sides.

Just tell her you won’t be able to attend if you have to leave the baby at home.

Most child free weddings normally allow babies in arms due to feeding.

ellenleaves · 14/01/2021 10:05

Don't get why some posters says she can't be expected to plan her wedding around you, surely that is exactly what most people do and choose a date to suit their nearest and dearest! My sister was pregnant when we got engaged so we planned the wedding three months later than we'd have liked so that the baby wasn't a newborn any more (and of course babies were welcome anyway!). I'd be annoyed with her and your mum for being so passive. I'd probably reply that I won't be leaving my baby (regardless of breast or bottle fed) but wouldn't get engaged in arguing.

1stTimeMama · 14/01/2021 10:06

Your responsibilities towards your baby trumps any you might have had with regard her wedding!
She's being short-sighted, not only in her expectations of you, but that there would be a wedding at all at this stage. If I were planning a wedding, I'd not be booking anything until next year I don't think.
Even if baby came 2 weeks early, they'd be 4 weeks old and you just can't leave a baby that long, especially breastfed.
If you absolutely had to go, I'd perhaps wear the baby in a sling, you could then feed in stealth mode, and then head home after the ceremony.

Beautiful3 · 14/01/2021 10:06

You cannot leave your newborn baby to go to a wedding!! The baby will be constantly on the breast. I would explain now that you wont be attending as you ll be breast feeding a new born baby. Theres a chance you'll have the baby a little later. If you do get stitches, you're going to feel very sore for a week afterwards. I would put your focus on the baby instead of your sisters wedding. She ll get over it and realise what shes done when she has hers!

spottedbadger · 14/01/2021 10:08

As hard as it is, don’t fall out over it. There are so many variables, baby could be early or late, you could have an easy birth and easy baby or could still be recovering, or the wedding could be cancelled or postponed. You will just have to see how it all goes. I would tell her that as things stand, you will do your best to attend (part of the wedding) but it may not be possible. If she can consider postponing then great, if not then you might both have to miss out. She is being a dick about picking a date so close to your due date. My sister booked a 3 week holiday in Thailand and jetted off 3 days before I was due Confused You only have control over your own decisions 🤷🏻‍♀️ Focus on you and your baby and see how things pan out..

Russellbrandshair · 14/01/2021 10:08

I wouldn’t go and she’ll just have to deal with it.

She’s acting like a twat because if the timing is “annoying” it was HER doing as she knew your due date so that’s her own stupid fault.

Chathamhouserules · 14/01/2021 10:08

Yabu suggesting your sister shouldn't have a child free wedding. That's up to her. But maybe she doesn't know much about babies. Firstly that your likely to be overdue, secondly that its not really feasible to leave the baby. Maybe just kindly explain those things and see what she says. I was pretty clueless about those things too before I had my own children.

Catty1720 · 14/01/2021 10:09

I agree with @ellenleaves if she was engaged after she knew the due date and really wanted you as bridesmaid then she would have thought a little more.
And a good point made what if the baby is late that could add another 10 days on.
I think it’s a lot to ask of someone especially your own sister I just couldn’t see me or my sisters doing that

20viona · 14/01/2021 10:11

I went to a child free wedding with a 6 week old luckily she was born 3 weeks early! It was fine she was no trouble but I do get a hint that the bride was jealous of the attention the baby was getting.

Standrewsschool · 14/01/2021 10:13

Can’t believe she suggested to leave a newborn with the in-laws!

You’ve explained your, perfectly reasonable, situation. She can either accept it, or reject it. Ie. You’ll either be there with your new-born, or not. I’d hardly ventured out the house in the first few weeks and attending a wedding with all that entailed would have filled me with horror.

TillyTopper · 14/01/2021 10:14

I think your sister doesn't have kids and doesn't understand. I can see why you might be a bit annoyed, but I'd just leave it for now and see what happens.

If she wants definite plans from you just say you're a "no" as you can't commit because you don't know what will happen (you could be in labour!) But try and ignore her ignorance - you can't leave your baby at that age and probably won't feel like glamming up either.

Sauvignonblanket · 14/01/2021 10:16

YABU for expecting her to change her wedding plans around you but YANBU not to go if you can't bring your baby. Keeping your head down seems like a good plan too, a lot can change.

TillyTheTiger · 14/01/2021 10:18

How inconsiderate choosing a wedding date so close to your due date! She obviously doesn't have a lot of experience of newborns.
Depending on whether baby is early or late you could be bleeding giant blood clots, leaking milk everywhere, too sore to sit down, so exhausted you can barely dress yourself, or even still in hospital. OR you might be feeling great, healed from the birth, have a great sleeper and be well up for a celebration with your family and friends. The point is, you won't know until the time so you can't possibly make any promises about your attendance.
One thing you can almost guarantee is that there's no way you'll feel comfortable leaving a newborn for the day, and it would likely also be detrimental to the baby to do so. Google the 4th trimester.

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