DH just sabotaged my lie in in the most spectacular fashion.

[bananamuncher]

I was up most of the night with writhing breastfeeding toddler, DH promised me a lie in as I sobbed at 3am about my poor battered nipples. Morning arrives. 5 year old wakes and DH takes his sweet time to get up and take him downstairs which means I’m basically awake now. I hear screaming and sighing and much drama from downstairs. I do get brought a cup of tea in bed though, (proofof no intention to let me sleep...?) While delivering tea he asks me lots of questions about where things are and the day’s weather (how the fuck would I know?).

Five year old comes flying in, switches on lights and climbs under the covers, waking toddler and bringing dog into bed. I can hear DH downstairs playing the fucking guitar! He finally comes up to collect five year old and also takes toddler downstairs. Complains he is useless at making coffee and he can’t find many, many things.

I hear more screaming and shouting from downstairs and decide to give up and go down. I get downstairs to kitchen,DH, five year old and dog all covered in milk ( some bizarre accident apparently) DH inconsolable and flapping about incapable of cleaning it up. Five year old now running around naked except open dressing gown, DH still quizzing me about toddlers missing slipper and the fucking weather!

He’s now taken himself off for a bath....

WIBU to bury him under the patio?

I’m laughing about it to be honest but Jesus Christ....

My exh's idea of giving me a lie in was to take 3x dc downstairs, then send them to play in their bedrooms. Next to our room.
While he had a nap on the huge sofa.
Twat.
Exh....

Also 👊 for breastfeeding your toddler - special kind of joy when they get to the acrobatic/dry-sucking all night for the sake of it stage! 😬 Sending virtual lanolin to your boobs!

Well, your lie-in didn't happen, at all. You get one tomorrow. No toddler in bed, you'll make your own tea, and it does not matter if someone is wearing one slipper. Or none.

Why are you laughing? I was up at 4am this morning with a 3 year old who decided that was the perfect time to show off his number counting skills. When he still wasn't asleep by 6am, I told ask my husband to take over. If he'd been back up within 10 minutes having a chat I'd have told him in no uncertain terms to fuck off and go parent the children quietly. Is he incapable of switching on the tv to distract them for an hour?

I'd genuinely go up to his bath and ask wtf he thought he was up to. Or that you've just remembered you need x/y/z from the shops and he better get out now to look after his children.

I’ve just divorced one like this. I think the frustration of his monumental selfishness and shitness has burned away parts of my brain.

You need to nip this in the bud.

Is he working today? are you? Get a bath and a nap yourself!

Jesus OP. I could not cope with that. Well done

It’s not funny. And he can clean the milk up.

He sounds fucking useless

Gawd he's a useless man - you need to show him where everything is and let him get on with it in future - don't laugh at this - you will end up resenting him if this continues.

YABU for laughing this off

This isn't even vaguely funny. It's quite sad actually.

I'd go back to bed and barricade the bloody door! Even if I couldn't sleep. He needs to work it all out for himself.

I think you're a nicer person than I am OP, I don't think I would be laughing! Hope he makes it up to you later OP! Maybe an extra long lie in another day, with breakfast in bed once you wake?

Give the kids something noisy (pans lids to bang together, kazoo, anything) and send them into the bathroom to entertain daddy while he has a bath.

Why are you laughing? I would be so disappointed at how inept he is that the ick would kick in. He sounds like a selfish loser. He never intended for you to have a lie in - tell him you’re having a lie in tomorrow instead so he best fix up

Turn around. Go back to bed !

So a grown man, can't make a cup of coffee and doesn't know where things are in his own home? You must have a cracking sense of humour as I would not be laughing. I have a shovel and an alibi OP, just say the word!

It’s so horrible. He’s basically said “she doesn’t really need a lie in. I’ll make the right noises but she isn’t having one really. I however, am being asked to do FAR more than should be required of me. Therefore I shall reward myself with a bath and she can crack on and sort out the kids.”

YABU to bury him under the patio, it would mean you could never sell the house without worrying the new owners wanting a garden makeover

In all seriousness next time dont go downstairs. Put in headphones and ignore the shouts. Presumably he is capable of not letting the kids come to actual bodily harm. Dont rescue him or it just confirms to everyone, including the kids, that he is useless and you have to be there in order for the day to run smoothly. Convenient for him. Dads assume we somehow have automatic knowledge of all things children and housekeeping. He needs to just get on with it and he will become a quick learner.

I wouldn't be able to stop myself barging into this luxurious bathtime shouting "I don't fucking think so, mateyboy!" And chucking in the children AND dog for good measure.

What. A. Fucking. Manchild.

He's 'clueless' because you allow him to be.

YABU to be laughing about him being deliberately shit so that he doesnt have to do it often

I smell a whiff of strategic incompetence.

The cure for this is to sod off on your own for several days, leaving him to cope alone, and turn your phone off.

I suggest you do this as soon as Covid restrictions permit, OP. Obvs, you'd have to take BF toddler with you, unless you can wean him before lockdown ends.

We used to have a deal whereby I had a lie in on Saturday, and dh on Sunday. I was bf baby and we had toddlers.

Saturday mornings, toddler would come into our bed, and snuggle, so dh would stay asleep until toddler had wriggled so much he was awake. But then so was I.
I would feed baby and then hand them over to dh. He would potter round the room, leave toddler with me, go and make tea etc.

He couldn't understand the problem, I was awake, toddler was just sitting on the bed, I had been awake feeding so what's the deal?

I'd come down an hour later, no-one dressed and no-one had breakfast.

I sat him down and told him that he was being a useless idiot and i was at the end of my tether. The second he hears toddler, get up, creep out, close our door, take him downstairs, don't let him back up. If you bring me tea (yes please, I'm feeding) make it and don't bring toddler with you, take baby away, feed and clothe your own children, and entertain them, and then LEAVE ME ALONE AND WITHOUT KIDS AND IN PEACE FOR 2 HOURS.

He just didn't get the need to restful child free snuggle in bed.

After that he got it, and stepped up and became 100% better.