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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To let my child go to bed hungry

219 replies

Bettyblue2 · 13/01/2021 18:45

To cut a long story short, my nearly 4 year old has started testing the waters at dinner time by gradually eating less and less of her dinner and then asking for cereal/toast before bed. We’ve tried pushing dinner back so that it’s closer to bedtime to make sure she’s hungry, cutting back on afternoon snacks, giving her options of what she want for dinner... but it’s not working. Basically she just faffs about at dinner time, she won’t sit at the table properly, plays with her food until most of it is on the floor/table etc. Then she complains about being hungry at bed time. We end up wasting so much. Tonight, I’ve stood my ground and said she can’t have anything else to eat today (I warned her at dinner time when she left most of her food that there would be nothing else before bedtime). She’s having a massive tantrum, holding her stomach and saying she’s hungry and that she won’t be able to sleep. I feel horrible at the thought of her being hungry but if I give in and give her food then the cycle starts again. Any tips?

OP posts:
UndertheCedartree · 14/01/2021 00:11

I would relax about it - it's not worth creating food issues. It will just be a phase and in a blink.of an eye things will have moved on. My DD went through a phase of this - I didn't make a big deal of it and it passed. I can't honestly see how you are wasting so much just from a 4 year old not eating their dinner. Maybe your portion sizes are too big. Give a smaller dinner and healthy snack at bedtime. It's pretty normal for DC to have a snack at bedtime.

Lockheart · 14/01/2021 00:11

The way some posters are going on here you'd think the child is being starved and abused.

It's not cruelty to let a child go to bed hungry after they've been offered plenty of perfectly good food which they have refused. They are not being deprived of food.

Being hungry overnight is not going to cause harm.

No need to make a battle over mealtimes, let them eat as much or as little as they want with no fuss, but if they're outright refusing dinner in the hope of getting cereal / biscuits later by giving it the dramatics then that behaviour needs addressing.

Lockheart · 14/01/2021 00:17

I'd also point out that lots of families at the moment don't have the luxury of spare food for their children to be picky about. I'm sure we've all seen the photos of the "hampers" on the news.

In many households, dinner will be all there is. There won't be extra snacks or spare fruit in case someone's being fussy. Those who are horrified at the thought of a child being directed back to their half-eaten dinner because the parents are cruel and leftovers are gross may need to consider that the parents may not have another option.

SleepingStandingUp · 14/01/2021 00:21

@Lockheart

I'd also point out that lots of families at the moment don't have the luxury of spare food for their children to be picky about. I'm sure we've all seen the photos of the "hampers" on the news.

In many households, dinner will be all there is. There won't be extra snacks or spare fruit in case someone's being fussy. Those who are horrified at the thought of a child being directed back to their half-eaten dinner because the parents are cruel and leftovers are gross may need to consider that the parents may not have another option.

I do think there's a difference though. Saying to the child there is no more food, so you either way it or I don't have anything else for you when you mean it and they are probably aware the cupboards are empty, and saying if you don't eat it then I choose to let you go to bed hungry, are totally different . Maybe I went to bed hungry too many times
AliceMcK · 14/01/2021 00:27

@inquietant

Yes, yabu.

In our house you can always have bread even if you've been stupid about dinner. Never had any issues, the more wound up parents get the more fun it is for kids.

When she doesn't want her dinner - no problem. Soon gets boring.

This is our house too.

I never force my kids to finish meals, I put what I think I know they will eat on their plates, and I give them food I know they will want to eat rather than force something they don’t like on them. If I want them to try something new I will only ask them to try it in addition to their main meal, I won’t just serve them up something completely different and expect them to eat it.

If they are being picky, messing around it generally means they are tired, or in my 3yos case just being difficult, just like the older ones did at that age.

There is always an option if bread or toast at bedtimes if they want

UndertheCedartree · 14/01/2021 00:44

@Lockheart - I'm on a low income. Saves money to make a smaller dinner that they will eat and then a small snack at bedtime. Really don't think this is a money issue - it's a control issue.

Scarlettpixie · 14/01/2021 07:40

She is 4! Give her some toast! I don’t see the issue with giving toast or cereal at bedtime. It’s not pizza or cake.

No child should go to bed hungry. Food should not be a punishment.

If you are wasting food everyday at dinner, maybe offer a smaller portion and know she will want something later?

Seasaltyhair · 14/01/2021 08:05

@Lockheart

The way some posters are going on here you'd think the child is being starved and abused.

It's not cruelty to let a child go to bed hungry after they've been offered plenty of perfectly good food which they have refused. They are not being deprived of food.

Being hungry overnight is not going to cause harm.

No need to make a battle over mealtimes, let them eat as much or as little as they want with no fuss, but if they're outright refusing dinner in the hope of getting cereal / biscuits later by giving it the dramatics then that behaviour needs addressing.

We’re you made to go to bed hungry? Maybe that’s why you feel it’s perfectly fine to do it to your child.

Going to bed hungry - even as a adult is awful.

Being forced to eat something you don’t like or or when your not hungry is awful - even as a adult.

So why do you think it’s ok for a child who is controlling the only thing they can in their life - what they put in their mouth.

You can pick a loaf up for 32p. Put it in the freezer for supper if they want it.

MrsClatterbuck · 14/01/2021 08:30

@Iamuhtredsonofuhtred

I also take leftovers to work the next day for lunch so happily eat my meals reheated!
I also did this when working. Sometime things actually taste better sitting after overnight in the fridge like curries and stews.
Draineddraineddrained · 14/01/2021 08:49

This business about leftovers is so daft. I mean what can you really do to s plate of food (bar chewing it and spitting it out) that renders it inedible forevermore?

To be frank, in our house we do NOT waste food so if the 4yo doesn't eat what's put on her plate someone will - usually my DP who is a (irritatingly skinny!) bottomless pit. Is he being cruelly abused/cruelly abusing himself eating her leftover "dried out/congealed" leftovers? (FYI they're not, they're fine. We're talking meat/fish and vegetables or some sort of a stew/mince dish here, they don't go toxic if left covered over in the fridge a few hours - what the hell are people cooking that can't be eaten after being on a plate for that length of time?? I mean it's not like we'd reheat scrambled eggs Hmm).

OP we're having the same issue with our nearly 4yo at the moment - nothing you're doing, it must be a phase for the age!

I do wonder if it's out schedule as so many people seem to feed their young kids dinner and get them to bed really early (eating at 5, asleep by 7) - but she's never been much of a sleeper, goes down at 8ish so we all sat dinner together at 6 - it's important to me that we eat together as a family and that we eat the same thing - roughly - we toddlerise a lot of our meals for her as she has a thing about "mixed food", so we'll be eating say a veggie pasta bake and she'll have the veggies roasted separately, plain pasta and the sauce and cheese on the side in little bowls - you can see what a cruel hardarsed mummy I am! Grin).

Her thing is she will almost always eat her carbs first then claim she's "full" and start arsing around - making a racket with her cutlery, jumping up and down from the table for cuddles, going off to the playroom and bringing toys back to the table, crawling around under the table etc. Bloody annoying!

We've tried various things around this, but these things have been the most effective (like most people we're only human so can only be 100% consistent on a good day!):

  1. do not allow her to disrupt our meal. I tell her if she's done eating and doesn't want to sit nicely and talk to us she can go to play in the playroom (next door). She hates that because what she's after is attention, which I'll happily give her if she sits with us and talks to us but I'm not going to stop eating before in finished to dick around on the floor with her. So she'll usually at least come back and sit at the table for a chat, which opens the door to her potentially finishing her meal. The flip side of this is that if she's at the table eating and/or behaving nicely, she gets our full and undivided attention. I personally like flipping through a cook book at the table at mealtimes, but soon realised the nights I was doing this her behaviour was far worse - which made me aware I was actually being quite rude, using our family time to amuse myself. So I've stopped.

  2. smaller carb portions/splitting her carb option in two and giving her half at the beginning of the meal and half at the end.

  3. no more snacks in the day except fruit/veg sticks. She'll by and large refuse this option so is pretty much on three meals a day now. If she eats all her lunch (which is a much less problematic meal usually) she is offered a sweet treat (yoghurt, biscuit, small piece of cake or similar) and will usually snap this up. But between meals, it's fruit/veg or nothing. We've been trying this for a week or so now and dinner time is much easier.

  4. I never ever make/bribe her to eat anything. Because it's attention, and that's what she wants. She is entitled to control her own intake. But I am her mother and have to make sure that a good proportion of what she does eat is nutritious, not just empty carbs to fill her up. We've talked about protein, veggies, carbs and fats, and how they are all important and do different things for her body but she needs to eat some of all of them to grow up strong. She knows which foods fall into which groups. She knows sweet things are treat things. We'll get there in the end!

If all the above fails, she doesn't eat her dinner and then claims to be hungry later, I will either offer her her leftovers again (awful awful parent 😆) or if she genuinely doesn't like it (i.e. she has to have tried it) or her dad has already snaffled it, she can have the dreaded banana. She usually opts for hunger. If she's barely eaten anything all day then I might unbend and give her a bit of toast, but as others have said this is her go to favourite food and not particularly nutritious or filling, so I try not to or she'd never eat anything else. I refuse to feel bad about her going to bed hungry if she's been presented with perfectly acceptable options - that's not taking her power away, it's giving her choices, including the option to make what I think to be a bad choice.

She's just trying to exert a little power, which I see no need to stamp on but she needs to understand that the power to make her own choices does not equate to power over me or her dad.

Hope we both get there OP! The main thing is to take the emotion out of it - it strikes us at the heart as parents as we feel so responsible to make sure they are well fed with good food - but as others have said, connecting food with feelings, particularly feelings of obligation/guilt/shame/comfort, is a really bad idea as I know to my cost. It's just food. To be taken or left. Manners around mealtimes are more important (for all of the family!)

Mydogdoesntlisten · 14/01/2021 09:29

I must have been a pushover
I would have thought toast and or cereal are pretty nutritious and what plenty of people eat for breakfast. I would reorganise her meals and just let her have it in the evening- but maybe something

completely different for breakfast so she has a balanced diet.

Seriously79 · 14/01/2021 09:39

It's hard, but I'd stick with what your doing.

My brother and his wife had all sorts of problems with their kids when they were growing up. Really fussy eaters, funny about different colour foods, textures, not eating things together it drove them crazy for years.

One day they snapped, and told the kids 'if you don't eat that, there is nothing until breakfast' of course the first time the kids didn't listen, and they had a very long night, however the next day both of them ate their tea without any fussing and have been fine ever since.

I personally think (and I've got 2 of my own) that it sometimes becomes a game of 'let's wind mummy and daddy up at tea time'

She isn't going to disappear or be traumatised if she misses her tea for a few nights.

Bettyblue2 · 14/01/2021 09:41

Update: she went to sleep in about 30 seconds last night and woke up this morning in a delightful mood (not at all ravenous!). I think the screaming fit was far more to do with tiredness than hunger. I’m curious about this idea that not giving your child exactly what they want when they want it is “unnecessarily cruel”. How far does that idea extend? Is it just food or does it apply to everything? The lesson that I’m trying to teach here is that you shouldn’t waste perfectly good food and then expect to have something that you would prefer (because DD would live off fruit, toast and cereal if she could!) an hour later. I figure that by saying “ok, don’t worry about the meal that’s been cooked for you, just have something less filling and nutritious later”, I’m probably not doing her any favours (and probably not giving her a particularly healthy attitude towards food, or anything else for that matter). I go out of my way to make sure my kids have a healthy attitude towards food, they can eat anything (sweets in moderation to keep their teeth healthy), no foods are labelled “good” or “bad” and there is no limit on the amount of food they can have, provided they’re not wasting food.

OP posts:
SwanShaped · 14/01/2021 09:57

Sounds like a good outcome! And now she knows you’ll follow through with it.

CoolCatTaco · 14/01/2021 09:59

Using food as punishment for a small child is unnecessarily unkind. I agree with other posters that it's about control. Why can't you just give her a smaller portion at dinner & some toast or weetabix for supper? There'd be no waste then? Because you don't want to...or can't be arsed.

Beamur · 14/01/2021 10:29

Post a question on a parenting site and you're going to get different responses according to the fact we have different parenting styles. Shouldn't really come as a surprise!
Eating issues have various reasons behind them. One size does not fit all.

00100001 · 14/01/2021 10:30

@justanotherremainer

Sorry but I think giving a child reheated leftover dinner is pretty grim.

I offer buttered toast at bedtime, if my schedule has faffed at dinner time. That or nothing. So if DC really hungry, they will eat it, but it’s not so exciting that it’s a treat.

Really? You never reheat leftovers?
Mylittlepony374 · 14/01/2021 10:45

You're obviously happy with your approach so carry on. I will say I saw a Dietitian for my first child around age 3 as she was extremely fussy and would only eat dry beige food (cooked plain pasta, dry toast no butter etc). She absolutely said not to make food a battleground. Put the beige food she will eat on a plate with something new, no negative outcomes if she doesnt eat it. It worked, she now eats a varied diet. That Dietitian would definitely not agree with your approach. You are making food about control. You are making it a battleground

Beamur · 14/01/2021 10:52

I would never reheat or re-offer food that has been put on a plate, picked over, handled and left. I would if it was leftovers still in the pan or dish and for myself. But not to a child who has already refused it.
And yes, I do think it's a bit cruel and no, I don't think not wasting food is the most important thing to learn in this interaction. Being coerced around food is a terrible lesson for kids. I do believe it sets some people up for life long problems around portion control and not knowing when to stop eating.

KarmaStar · 14/01/2021 11:08

Stick to your guns! If you give in nothing will change for the better.
Warn her of no more food,if she refuses to eat it after half an hour take it away,don't give her time to get it all over the floor/table then,come bed time,if she has a tantrum remind her that she had a choice,she chose not to eat,and now she will have to wait for breakfast.
Do not give in.If she was hungry she would eat her dinner,she won't go from full up to desperately hungry in the few hours between dinner and bed time.
If she's at least reasonably intelligent,she will be eating her dinner within a day or two.
Good luck.

Rosebel · 14/01/2021 11:18

It's about control. What? You mean a par8is trying to control their child?
How terrible. Should we also not make them clean their teeth or hold hands crossing the road? That's taking control too.
The child wasn't starving when she woke up so clearly no harm done.

MedusasBadHairDay · 14/01/2021 11:22

We had this with DS when he was that age. We were told to try offering him the meal, then after a set amount of time if he wasn't eating it to just take it away from him. It felt massively cruel, and he was very upset at first, but it did break the pattern of him only eating snacks (fruit mostly) - and it made a difference quickly thankfully. Its tough when you've got a DC refusing meals, you don't want them to go hungry, but also you can't let them dictate what they get to eat - because there is no way a 4 yo will choose a balanced healthy diet!

Draineddraineddrained · 14/01/2021 11:57

@Beamur

Being coerced around food is a terrible lesson for kids. I do believe it sets some people up for life long problems around portion control and not knowing when to stop eating

That would apply if it was "you're not getting down from this table until you've eaten every bite" type coercion. But simply saying "if you're hungry, this is what there is" is not coercion. It's leaving it up to the child if they want to eat or not. Presuming you're not offering them something they genuinely dislike, and I can't think of a parent I know who would make trouble for themselves by doing that - I can't be the only mother for whom "vegetables" now means cucumber, raw peppers and peas more or less exclusively, or who has to doctor meals so nothing saucy touches anything dry 😆

In our house we meal plan in advance for the week and sometimes when I get to Wednesday and it's fish and boiled potatoes I feel a bit "meh" about it and wish I could have macaroni cheese instead - but we made the plan, the fish will go to waste if it's not eaten, so I eat it anyway. I don't see how this is any different to my child fancying toast with butter on it for every bloody meal but being told "right now this is what's available, you can eat it if you want it".

NameChange30 · 14/01/2021 12:03

My son is the same age and similarly fussy about meals. If he really has eaten nothing we will offer something very plain and boring to take the edge off the hunger. But we don't mess around offering lots of alternatives to persuade him to eat. He'll never just eat what we give him otherwise.

Apparently he eats really well at nursery, eats everything they give him and asks for seconds Hmm

Nanny2many · 14/01/2021 12:04

@Beamur

I would never reheat or re-offer food that has been put on a plate, picked over, handled and left. I would if it was leftovers still in the pan or dish and for myself. But not to a child who has already refused it. And yes, I do think it's a bit cruel and no, I don't think not wasting food is the most important thing to learn in this interaction. Being coerced around food is a terrible lesson for kids. I do believe it sets some people up for life long problems around portion control and not knowing when to stop eating.
I think the alternative for OP is that she’s teaching her child how to be coercive herself! Food should not be used to manipulate others and their behaviour. I think everybody is on the same page with this, it’s just about how parents feel best to manage that...... either by taking away the battle and letting child chose what when and how much food, other people by setting firm boundaries about what behaviour is acceptable around meal times
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