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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To let my child go to bed hungry

219 replies

Bettyblue2 · 13/01/2021 18:45

To cut a long story short, my nearly 4 year old has started testing the waters at dinner time by gradually eating less and less of her dinner and then asking for cereal/toast before bed. We’ve tried pushing dinner back so that it’s closer to bedtime to make sure she’s hungry, cutting back on afternoon snacks, giving her options of what she want for dinner... but it’s not working. Basically she just faffs about at dinner time, she won’t sit at the table properly, plays with her food until most of it is on the floor/table etc. Then she complains about being hungry at bed time. We end up wasting so much. Tonight, I’ve stood my ground and said she can’t have anything else to eat today (I warned her at dinner time when she left most of her food that there would be nothing else before bedtime). She’s having a massive tantrum, holding her stomach and saying she’s hungry and that she won’t be able to sleep. I feel horrible at the thought of her being hungry but if I give in and give her food then the cycle starts again. Any tips?

OP posts:

Coffeeandaride · 13/01/2021 19:29

Yanbu to want her to eat meals. I also would offer some of the food from earlier.
Leftovers are not a punishment or "nasty tasting food" they are the same meal but 2 or 3 hours later, warmed.

It might not change her habits directly. However you will not be stressed (as she has option eating dinner) and no reason for her to be hungry.
After a while it may take the tension out of dinner time.

00100001 · 13/01/2021 19:29

@Jaypreen

Cut out the snacks. Three meals a day. If she's peckish in between give her some fruit.

Well... Giving fruit between meals is giving her a snack

Weirdlynormal · 13/01/2021 19:29

@bridgetreilly

God, you sound a barrel of fun...

No, she sounds like a parent. Who is actually prepared not to the ‘fun person’ in order to bring her daughter up well.

Exactly.

Sexnotgender · 13/01/2021 19:29

@HelloThereMeHearties

Leftovers, or dry bread. No butter.

Why no butter? That’s just mean.

user159 · 13/01/2021 19:31

I'm very wary of making food a battle. One account I follow on Instagram suggested putting pudding (yogurt or fruit) and meal out together and this has worked for us!
I usually find if DD has yogurt/fruit first it will make her realise she is hungry then will eat the meal too.
She still has milk before bed so we have that as a backup!

00100001 · 13/01/2021 19:31

@London1977 and you sound like you give your kids sugary yoghurts after they've brushed their teeth....

ladylunchalot · 13/01/2021 19:32

Pick your battles and I learned that food was one I would rarely win. I'd offer some fruit or toast before bedtime and not make a big deal of it.
Can you get your lo to be involved in some of the menu planning? Might help to get them more interested.

SnowmanDrinkingSnowballs · 13/01/2021 19:32

Please don’t battle over food or make certain foods like dinner ‘good’ and others like cereal (presuming weetabix not coco pops) bad.
Maybe try to make the most of the meals where she is hungry and not tired by making them very nutritious so dinner isn’t such a big deal. As adults our evening meal is often our healthiest meal of the day but no need for this to be the case for a 4 year old.
I wouldn’t want to eat left overs several hours later so wouldn’t expect my children to and high fibre cereal is a healthy supper for a growing child. Remember they need more cards than adults as they are growing.

MessAllOver · 13/01/2021 19:34

Don't make a fuss about food. I offer a "pudding" with every dinner (yoghurt, fruit, ice cream on Fridays etc.) but DS has to have at least tried everything on his plate to get that. If he doesn't, no fuss but no pudding.

Milk and toast always available later on if he's still hungry.

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/01/2021 19:34

Do you work? Can you swap dinner and lunch around and give your dd a sort of “picnic” tea or supper, where she has bits and bobs but equates to a balanced meal?

SarahAndQuack · 13/01/2021 19:35

My DD is the same age and does this.

I just don't make a fuss. She's not hungry, ok. But at some point, it is bed time.

If she's genuinely hungry, at this point I offer her her dinner again, or a banana; otherwise, sorry, that's it!

Lucieintheskye · 13/01/2021 19:37

Give her a side plate and dish up some food from her plate onto it, it'll be less overwhelming and you can congratulate her when she finishes it.

Don't offer her anything but her leftover dinner. If she complains she's hungry offer to warm it up for her, be calm about it. Guide her into the kitchen, sit her at the table and sit with her while she eats. If she isn't eating it then she isn't hungry and can go back to bed. If she's hungry and eats it sensibly then do gentle praise and suggest she eats properly tomorrow. If she's messing around with the food, she isn't hungry and you can send her to bed without the nightime food the next day and she'll soon kick the habit.

At no point will she be in danger if she goes to bed 'hungry'. She isn't starving, it's unlikely she'd even feel discomfort. She can't lie on purpose as she's too young but she will be in a habit of accidentally lying about being hungry.

Feminem · 13/01/2021 19:38

A great opportunity to introduce information about money & finances OP. I agree with the leftovers plan (if safe) but she needs to understand how much things cost. Maybe get some cash to show her or show her what she can buy online (toys/clothes) with the price of her uneaten meals each week. Or get her to help you do the online food shop & draw up a weekly menu? Maybe get her involved in the cooking prep too.

Nancylovesthecock · 13/01/2021 19:38

Gosh I've never done this. I have found with both of mine that this sort of age is where they try to push boundaries around eating.

Give her toast or cereal and think about how many other choices she has control over and let her make acceptable decisions.

She is fighting over the food because of a lack of control in other areas of her life. You can't force her to eat.

Let her have input into the menu
Let her choose what plate/cup/cutlery she wants
Let her choose what she wears for the day
Let her have input into the days activities.

And don't make a big fuss. Its a phase it will soon pass. I have two good eaters.

FairyontopofthetreeBatman · 13/01/2021 19:39

As a one off to break a negative cycle I think it’s fine.

If it doesn’t work or if dinner is refused we offer Weetabix as an alternative. No toast or banana here as DS loves those and would miss a meal to have toast instead.

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 13/01/2021 19:39

Feminem the child is 3.

ThatsNotTheTeaHunty · 13/01/2021 19:39

I'd keep dinner aside and see if she wanted it reheated but I could never send my child to bed hungry so yabu there.

ThatsNotTheTeaHunty · 13/01/2021 19:40

@Feminem

Child is 4 not 14.

Lalalatte · 13/01/2021 19:41

I would offer something healthyish at bed time like a banana or bread and butter or weetabix. No way would I give cookies like London1977 suggests. That's a treat!

HitchFlix · 13/01/2021 19:41

Following along as my four year old is the same. She's more or less always been this way though and is just a fussy eater. I do think there's some sensory issues at play so up until recently I've the taken the DOR approach of not making a big deal, putting out the food without comment and if she eats, she eats.

However I've found she's actually getting worse and worse and I find it infuriating when she won't even eat food she's previously enjoyed and the waste of time, effort and money is maddening. So in desperation I've turned to bribery and similar "threats" about if she doesn't eat her dinner there's no more food until the morning. I've followed through mostly but she's INCREDIBLY stubborn so she still won't eat it and wakes up early/in the night starving so it's backfired

I don't really know what to do? I know food isn't a battle worth having as you can't control what someone eats but at the same time if she gets any worse I'm in for years of headaches at dinner time and I worry about her growth as she dropped on centile chart at her last development check. A multivitamin will help with deficiencies but not growth so I do worry.

Littlewhitedove2 · 13/01/2021 19:43

@Covine

I always did the same as inquietnan. They're too little to make a connection between refusing dinner and getting reheated leftovers: all that they understand is that when they tell you they're hungry you give them nasty tasting food.

As for sending a child to bed without food when she's hungry, well yes ofc that is unreasonable. You wouldn't accept such treatment for yourself, would you?

Why would reheating dinner be nasty tasting food? Plenty of people reheat leftovers! If I had dinner made or even made it myself, I wouldn’t be acceptable to eat half, leave the rest and demand something else? Why is is acceptable for a 4 year old? Provided its not just food she dislikes but she’s doing it also to dinners she enjoys- there is food there if you are hungry, it’s an important lesson to learn that just because you demand something , you don’t always get it. Children need boundaries and rules. They only feel safe when those boundaries are set and stuck to. What makes children insecure and creates future problems, is when they push and meet little resistance. It’s frightening for a child thinking they are driving the ship, even if that’s not what you see in the outside

Mrsdoubtfireswig · 13/01/2021 19:44

DS younger at 2.5 but never been a fan of teas. I think either because he’s eaten quite a lot during the day or is too tired / fussy by that time of day. If nothing eaten, he’s not allowed to mess with it and no pudding is given. Then get down from the table do something else - bath / pjs or playing etc if but earlier. Then will offer toast or something similar / plain right before bed (we don’t say well do this we just do it). Works for us as not turning tea time in to a battle as such, but also doesn’t ‘reward’ the fussing with something nice straight away and stops any going to bed hungry

SleepingStandingUp · 13/01/2021 19:46

@Feminem

You want op to financially guilt a 3 yo into eating?

justanotherremainer · 13/01/2021 19:46

Sorry but I think giving a child reheated leftover dinner is pretty grim.

I offer buttered toast at bedtime, if my schedule has faffed at dinner time. That or nothing. So if DC really hungry, they will eat it, but it’s not so exciting that it’s a treat.

LizFlowers · 13/01/2021 19:48

Let her have a little snack before bed, lots of people do even if they've had a good dinner. Toast and some milk or cereal maybe. That's quite normal.

Dish her up a smaller portion for dinner, telling her she can have more if she asks and, if she has afternoon tea, either serve it earlier, or again, a smaller amount.

When she goes to school she'll be wanting proper meals with the family, trust me. For now it is important that she sits at the table with you at dinner time even if she doesn't eat very much.

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