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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP moving in with me on the condition of 'taking time out'?

379 replies

hannahrose123 · 10/01/2021 10:47

DP and I have been together for 2 years. I have a DD from a previous relationship. There has been quite a contentious point in our relationship for some time; that is living with one another. When the pandemic first started, I needed some support and asked him to come and stay with us - he declined, which was okay... we've now formed a support bubble, as he lives alone and so do I (plus DD).

Then as time as gone on (and another year) we have had many discussions about us moving in together... I am genuinely excited to live with him, I see him as the one I want to settle down with, have more children with etc. He never seems enthusiastic or excited about the prospect.

We've now reached a point in our discussions where he has said he will move in, 'but he wants to be able to take time out when he needs it'. He owns his own flat about an hour from my place, and from my understanding, he wants to travel back and forth as and when he feels like he 'needs the space'. He said this might be that he 'lives' with me for 2 weeks, then goes to his flat for a few nights, then comes back for a week, then goes back to his flat for 2 days... then he said that hopefully as time goes on and he gets more comfortable living here, he won't feel the need to go back as much.

His proposal has made me feel really shit. I am crazy about him, I would love to wake up next to him everyday, all of those exciting things. I don't feel great about the idea at all, it has made me feel very rejected.

Moving in together is not meant to be like this, is it?

OP posts:

VettiyaIruken · 10/01/2021 10:49

If you do this, for god's sake don't have a child with him (or believe him if he says he wouldn't do it if you had a child together)

BingBongToTheMoon · 10/01/2021 10:49

He wants to go to his flat to shag other people.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 10/01/2021 10:50

Moving in together is not meant to be like this, is it?

No it isn't. But moving in together should only happen when both people are ready to fully commit to one another. It's blindingly obvious from what you write about him that he isn't.

This is the relationship he wants, and you want more. This isn't the person for you.

crankysaurus · 10/01/2021 10:51

Sorry, you're right, moving in shouldn't feel like that, it should be really exciting for both of you.

Has he said why he's so reluctant? Also, got to ask, could it be there's someone else on the scene?

CodenameVillanelle · 10/01/2021 10:51

Not everyone wants to live with their partner. Personally I think his suggestion sounds like my ideal scenario! However he might just not be ready for the commitment, in which case he should be honest with you.
You really shouldn't take this as a personal rejection.

VettiyaIruken · 10/01/2021 10:51

Also, he really doesn't sound like he even wants to live with you. He's happy with the way things are. Which is fine. But if what he wants isn't what you want, you have a big problem.

Also, would you want to half live with someone who'd really rather not?

margotsdevil · 10/01/2021 10:51

Has he lived with someone before? If he's always lived alone he might be finding it a big step? Although on the surface it doesn't sound great it depends why he's feeling that way.

CodenameVillanelle · 10/01/2021 10:51

@BingBongToTheMoon

He wants to go to his flat to shag other people.

Yeah probably not

Terracottasaur · 10/01/2021 10:52

Sorry OP, but that doesn’t sound good to me. He doesn’t sound committed to the idea, and he’s keeping his options open. It sounds like he thinks it’s going to take too much time effort so he wants a built in escape.

After two years I would think he ought to know if he’s ready to commit to you properly, or still unsure. I would try and have a really honest conversation about what his expectations are for your future together, but I would be prepared to accept that he’s just not prepared or able to commit to a family life with you.

Sorry you’re going through this - it’s shit

LivingDeadGirlUK · 10/01/2021 10:52

It does sound odd tbh, how often does he stay over at the moment and when he does stay does he get stuck in or treat your place like a hotel? Its good to take things slow but after 2 years I think you should know if you want to try living with someone or not.

ButterflyBitch · 10/01/2021 10:52

No it’s not meant to be like that. He should be as excited as you are. He’s not, why? That’s what you need to ask yourself. He doesn’t seem to be as invested in this relationship as you are. Don’t let him move in half heartedly. Either stay as you are or dump him cos he’s not going to make you happy in the long term.

Chinam · 10/01/2021 10:53

No it isn't. But moving in together should only happen when both people are ready to fully commit to one another. It's blindingly obvious from what you write about him that he isn't.

This is the relationship he wants, and you want more. This isn't the person for you.

Totally agree

NailsNeedDoing · 10/01/2021 10:53

He wants the best of both worlds, the free bachelor lifestyle and the nice family home with all it’s conveniences but without the responsibility.

It’s fine for him to want something different to you, it doesn’t mean he’s an arsehole or anything, but ultimately if you want different things you aren’t going to end up happy together. One of you will get what you want at the expense of the other having to sacrifice.

AldiIsla · 10/01/2021 10:54

Would this not be a stick to beat you with.

Expect too much help, support, consideration and he'll just flit out.

Bekilted · 10/01/2021 10:54

YABU to remain in a relationship like this and expose your daughter to 1. the acceptance of women being treated badly by men and 2. Such an unstable home life (i.e. a man she doesn't know well living in her home part time and taking off whenever he feels like it).

That said, it's not unreasonable in the slightest to expect more from a partner and you deserve much better. Choose yourself and your daughter over this emotionally unavailable, immature disappointment of a man.

WhereverIGoddamnLike · 10/01/2021 10:54

To be honest, it sounds as though you've been pushing for this since really quite early on in the relationship. I would run away from that too.

You've got a child; you should not have been thinking about moving in with someone after only a year with them. You say you've had many discussions about it and you're desperate to do it, but he doesn't sound like he was ready for that when you started on about it and maybe he feels that you're just being too full on too fast. He is saying he will need to take time out; I would have simply ended the relationship because that sort of pushing very early is just too much. He should have ended it instead of dragging it out and trying to make compromises which just arent practical.

Maybe you should really think about whether or not you are right together.

PaigeMatthews · 10/01/2021 10:55

I chose YABU because I cannot work out why you want to even consider this. He doesnt want to move in with you. He has told you this.

Move on.

Oysterbabe · 10/01/2021 10:55

He's not the one OP. Keep looking.

Butterymuffin · 10/01/2021 10:55

I am genuinely excited to live with him, I see him as the one I want to settle down with, have more children with etc. He never seems enthusiastic or excited about the prospect.

Please don't go ahead with this. You deserve someone who is excited and enthusiastic about being with you. Especially to have another child with. Don't settle for this. Tell him you've changed your mind. Keep that space open for the excited person to come into your life. Don't take it up with this half in half out lame boyfriend.

Lemonpiano · 10/01/2021 10:56

He doesn't want to live with you. Why have you continued to push and push for it when he's made it so clear it's not what he wants?

yankeedoodledandee · 10/01/2021 10:56

Moving in together is not meant to be like this, is it?

No, it's not. He is already preparing you to allow him to live the single life if and when it suits. You deserve much better than this man. He is dangling the living together thing that he knows you want right under your nose and before you knew where you are he has pulled the string up a bit. If you want any kind of certainty in your life, do not live with this man. He is controlling your emotions to get what he wants already

peak2021 · 10/01/2021 10:56

Sounds like a commitment phobe or there is something about him that he is hiding. Could be something innocent such as feeling embarrassed about using your washing machine and his socks being on a washing line, could be something not so innocent.

Sheilafeeler · 10/01/2021 11:00

You sound lovely.

Why isn't he excited??? He should be. He should be honoured to be involved in yours and your dds life in this way.

You're excited but he isn't... What a horribble dynamic for you. Him throwing emotional breadcrumbs and you being grateful.

Why is this good enough for you?

Royalbloo · 10/01/2021 11:00

Yes to what Oysterbabe said

LaceyBetty · 10/01/2021 11:00

He doesn't want to live with you. End of story really. You deserve more than this.

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