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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP moving in with me on the condition of 'taking time out'?

379 replies

hannahrose123 · 10/01/2021 10:47

DP and I have been together for 2 years. I have a DD from a previous relationship. There has been quite a contentious point in our relationship for some time; that is living with one another. When the pandemic first started, I needed some support and asked him to come and stay with us - he declined, which was okay... we've now formed a support bubble, as he lives alone and so do I (plus DD).

Then as time as gone on (and another year) we have had many discussions about us moving in together... I am genuinely excited to live with him, I see him as the one I want to settle down with, have more children with etc. He never seems enthusiastic or excited about the prospect.

We've now reached a point in our discussions where he has said he will move in, 'but he wants to be able to take time out when he needs it'. He owns his own flat about an hour from my place, and from my understanding, he wants to travel back and forth as and when he feels like he 'needs the space'. He said this might be that he 'lives' with me for 2 weeks, then goes to his flat for a few nights, then comes back for a week, then goes back to his flat for 2 days... then he said that hopefully as time goes on and he gets more comfortable living here, he won't feel the need to go back as much.

His proposal has made me feel really shit. I am crazy about him, I would love to wake up next to him everyday, all of those exciting things. I don't feel great about the idea at all, it has made me feel very rejected.

Moving in together is not meant to be like this, is it?

OP posts:
Milssofadoesntreallyfit · 10/01/2021 11:00

He doesn't want to move in op. His suggestion has been made as a compromise because you really want him to and possibly doesn't have the gumption to just say he doesn't want to do it.

Yabu only because you clearly want this more than him and he's not going to be able to give you what you want. Please don't t Compromise, try and reassess your relationship there is no point being that in to someone if its not reciprocated ylour just going to end up heartbroken.

AndcalloffChristmas · 10/01/2021 11:00

I would say to keep things as they are until he’s ready to move in properly. Or get rid of you don’t want to wait about.

This wouldn’t be a good idea and also would complicate things bills wise

ExplodingCarrots · 10/01/2021 11:02

You sound far more into him than he is with you. This just screams hes not ready. He's probably scared of his peace and quiet being shattered. It's a big deal moving in with a partner with a child. If he continues to muck you about down the line I'd defo say he's not the one for you.

MatildaTheCat · 10/01/2021 11:02

I’m torn on this. If it were the other way round and you met a man with a child who was desperate for you to move in, to feel a bit nervous seems quite reasonable.

It depends on how the rest of your relationship is. If he’s generally great but feels a bit overwhelmed by suddenly joining an already established family I think I’d have some sympathy. Perhaps your DC would also value some time alone with you while you all get used to the new arrangement.

If, however he was disappearing without notice for unspecified lengths of time that wouldn’t be ok at all. And clearly I’d hope that he would begin to feel as if it was home fairly quickly.

If he’s someone who will never want a family life full time that’s a different issue.

Blanca87 · 10/01/2021 11:03

So he is happy to financially contributing to two households? Is he financially comfortable to do this or is the plan he will cock-lodge at yours and pay nada towards your household?

Purplethrow · 10/01/2021 11:03

Having his cake and eat it springs to mind .

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/01/2021 11:04

I am genuinely excited to live with him, I see him as the one I want to settle down with, have more children with etc. He never seems enthusiastic or excited about the prospect.

Why are you still together? You want completely different things.

Why did you need him to move in during the previous lockdown? It’s not his job to help you with your daughter. You presumably coped fine before you got together with him.

Lockheart · 10/01/2021 11:06

It sounds like you're pushing and pushing for something he doesn't want and this is his compromise.

This relationship is not well matched. You seem to be far more into him than he is into you. I would cut my losses and move on. Sometimes things just don't work out, it's nobody's fault.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 10/01/2021 11:07

He doesn’t really want to live with you. What he is suggesting essentially amounts to him staying at your place a bit more often. He’s found a fancy way to word this that makes it sound like a different kind of living together, but in reality it’s no different to your current situation, other than the time split.

As another poster has suggested, this could also be his ‘get-out clause’ every time you disagree on anything. He can just roll his eyes, say he can’t cope with it and should probably go back to his place for a few days.

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 10/01/2021 11:07

It doesn't sound great but in his defence, when dp (dh now) moved in, he had to go and stay at his sister's for 2 nights a week so he could have his son there as we didn't want me to meet him too soon - l actually really enjoyed those evenings as l had lived alone for a while and like my own space. Plus l am not sure all men do get as excited about this sort of thing.

kursaalflyer · 10/01/2021 11:07

I think he's being very sensible. The prospect of giving up your home to live with another person is a big step on its own but adding a child to that mix is a HUGE step even if they get on well together. He's telling you his fears upfront and I think you should listen. I don't think you're on the same page at the moment and whether it will change in the future no one can tell. Some people like being on their own and dislike someone else having calls on their time. At the end of the day you're not the one having to change your lifestyle. Whether the relationship weathers the storm depends on both of you reaching a compromise I expect.

Theunamedcat · 10/01/2021 11:07

Will he be contributing to the household or cocklodge for two weeks saving himself money

AlwaysCheddar · 10/01/2021 11:08

He’s clearly not into you that much, you’re walking in to a nightmare with him. Ditch him.

chaosisaladder · 10/01/2021 11:08

You don’t want the same thing. I’m sorry, it’s rubbish when you’re really into someone and it’s not truly reciprocated. If you sit back and think about it, you’ll probably find there’s a few of your boxes he doesn’t really check.

thisismetrying · 10/01/2021 11:09

He doesn't want to live with you and actually that's ok as long as he's honest.
You don't have to live together to have a healthy relationship but obviously that changes if you want to have a child together but it doesn't sound like he really wants that either.

WunWun · 10/01/2021 11:10

I would really really not do this. It's going to get rolled out at every opportunity and sign of any kind of housework/parenting needs/mild argument.

He's telling you he doesn't want to commit to a relationship with you.

Moondust001 · 10/01/2021 11:10

To be honest, I don't see why he's being such a hard time here. He hasn't been lying, and he's been crystal clear. You have asked him to move in more than once, and he had said no. You've continued to pursue the point regardless. You have made it clear that you want him to move in and commit, and he's made it clear that he doesn't want either thing. So in the face of you continuing to ask for what he's said no to, he's agreed but on his own terms. And you don't like the terms.

For whatever reason, you both have different aspirations for this relationship, and the two are incompatible. That doesn't make either of you bad people. It means that the only way that this works is for one of you to give up what you want. No relationship survives when that happens. You both need to move on and find someone that suits you. He is not the one, no matter how hard you try to make him be.

JovialNickname · 10/01/2021 11:10

It's just so obvious that he's compromising and doing this because you want him to.... I wouldn't be happy with someone moving in under those circumstances.

Comtesse · 10/01/2021 11:10

He’s not that into you - sorry Sad

PaigeMatthews · 10/01/2021 11:11

How does he propose splitting bills?

JovialNickname · 10/01/2021 11:12

Also, if he moves in with you he goes from being your boyfriend to your daughter's stepdad. It's a big deal taking on a child, maybe he doesn't want to.

Calvinlookingforhobbes · 10/01/2021 11:12

I clicked YABU because you are in continuing a relationship with this man. Get rid for your and your daughters sake.

Guiltypleasures001 · 10/01/2021 11:13

Sorry op

You come across as needy over the top, and your not listening to him

I'm crazy about him! You are blinded by your feelings and pushing his aside

You can't force a square peg in a round hole
It's said on here quite a lot actions speak louder than words

Ide be feeling suffocated sorry

Butchyrestingface · 10/01/2021 11:13

What kind of 'support' did you need when the Pandemic first started? Do you mean childcare?

As for the flat, if he were to keep it vacant and not rent it out in the event of moving in with you, then he will need to maintain some kind of steady presence there for security purposes at least. So going back and forth every few weeks sound sensible (not sure how that will work practically given current restrictions).

ChippyChickenChips · 10/01/2021 11:14

It sounds to me as if he's unsure of making the commitment. I don't think he can be blamed for that. Also, living with a toddler (however adorable) is a huge step for someone without children. I can clearly see why anyone would want a bolthole. I wish I had one myself but they're my children so I don't get the option. OP says she asked him to move in because she needed support. That's quite telling.