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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP moving in with me on the condition of 'taking time out'?

379 replies

hannahrose123 · 10/01/2021 10:47

DP and I have been together for 2 years. I have a DD from a previous relationship. There has been quite a contentious point in our relationship for some time; that is living with one another. When the pandemic first started, I needed some support and asked him to come and stay with us - he declined, which was okay... we've now formed a support bubble, as he lives alone and so do I (plus DD).

Then as time as gone on (and another year) we have had many discussions about us moving in together... I am genuinely excited to live with him, I see him as the one I want to settle down with, have more children with etc. He never seems enthusiastic or excited about the prospect.

We've now reached a point in our discussions where he has said he will move in, 'but he wants to be able to take time out when he needs it'. He owns his own flat about an hour from my place, and from my understanding, he wants to travel back and forth as and when he feels like he 'needs the space'. He said this might be that he 'lives' with me for 2 weeks, then goes to his flat for a few nights, then comes back for a week, then goes back to his flat for 2 days... then he said that hopefully as time goes on and he gets more comfortable living here, he won't feel the need to go back as much.

His proposal has made me feel really shit. I am crazy about him, I would love to wake up next to him everyday, all of those exciting things. I don't feel great about the idea at all, it has made me feel very rejected.

Moving in together is not meant to be like this, is it?

OP posts:
Iknowwhatudidlastsummer · 10/01/2021 11:50

Tricky

I wouldn't move in somebody's house/flat where they have lived for years with their kid.

Were you planning on redecorating, getting rid of half your furniture to make place for his, basically making it a home for him too?

It's all very well saying someone should move him, but when it's likely they will feel as a guest, it's not going to work.

Parents from all over the world have expressed how tiring and claustrophobic it was to suddenly find yourself in lockdown with your OWN family. Can't blame a partner to have felt a bit of shock with the whole thing.

WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo · 10/01/2021 11:50

My brother's wife kept her flat on even after they got married. As she said most people don't get married expecting to get divorced one day. But a lot do. And she didn't want to be left high and dry........the flat's rented out now so it pays for itself really. But it's her security.

I thought it was pretty sensible tbh. There's no way I'd give up my accomodation for a fairly new relationship with someone I've never lived with before. I'd want the option of taking a break at times, especially as you have a child.

surelynotnever · 10/01/2021 11:50

@Bagamoyo1

He’s not doing anything wrong. This is just typical mumsnet anti man stuff.

Imagine if it was the other way round. My boyfriend has a 7 year old and he gets lonely and overwhelmed when he’s on his own. I live alone, and whilst I love my boyfriend I really value my time on my own. I like my boyfriend’s daughter , she’s a great kid and I like chatting to her, but I’m really not ready to be a full time parent yet. My boyfriend has been on at me to move in, but I’m just not ready. I’d love to do it gradually, spend more time there, but still be able to come home as well sometimes. But my boyfriend says if I don’t move in then he won’t let me see his daughter or visit for “family time”. We’ll have to go back to just dating, which seems like a backward step to me. AIBU to want to take this slowly, working towards moving in gradually, without so much pressure?

If you posted that, everyone would agree with you, and they’d tell you that the boyfriend was trying to recruit free childcare!

No they wouldn't. They would say you want different things from the relationship. Which they do.

Stop making things up.

catchabreak2020 · 10/01/2021 11:51

It sounds like a good idea what he is suggesting tbh, you get to see whether or not you like living together for such a long period of time. That’s basically what I’ve been doing and it has worked great! We are now looking into getting a place together. It’s probably a big step for him!

Scarydinosaurs · 10/01/2021 11:54

Never feel crazy about someone who is lukewarm and disinterested in you.

Doublefaced · 10/01/2021 11:54

The keeping a separate flat would be ok if there wasn’t a child involved. The prospect if him disappearing every time you have words about leaving the loo seat up, or running out of milk, is way too destabilising for any child. He’s either 100% committed, or he’s not.
You and your DD deserve stability.

Fluffycloudland77 · 10/01/2021 11:56

I don’t think he’s that into you. I like space every now and then so I go to the spare room and do a face mask and put some spa type music on for an hour.

Iwonder08 · 10/01/2021 11:56

OP, do you have any self respect or dignity? Stop pestering this man, he doesn't want to live with you!

Bagamoyo1 · 10/01/2021 11:57

surelynot you’re wrong. I’ve been on mumsnet for 15 years and it’s a recurring theme. When someone has a boyfriend who wants them to get more involved with him and his young child, he is always accused of wanting free childcare. Always.

I’m baffled at people thinking that it’s bad for a child to have a part time man in their life like this. Why is it bad? I have kids and I’ve been with my partner for 5 years. He visits 3 times a week, stays over for half the weekend, comes on holiday with us etc. My kids like having him around, but they also like their time alone with me. I think it’s a good set up. It’s not confusing to them.

CherryBlossomTree7 · 10/01/2021 11:57

I don't like the sound of that at all. You deserve better than that.

I understand keeping the flat and renting it out for income. But for him to want to come and go as he pleases just seems wrong. As a pp said, every time you have a minor disagreement, is he going to disappear to the flat for weeks? This would not be in any way fair on you. And most certainly not fair on your daughter.

Iknowwhatudidlastsummer · 10/01/2021 11:57

Put it another way: how many posters on here would have honestly declined to go to their other property during the lockdown for a day or a night just to have a bit of peace and quiet?

I bet not that many.

I am sorry, but in real life, it would make a massive difference if it's was about me moving "in" or us moving "together". It doesn't matter how you write it on a forum post, but in real life, which one is it?

TangoWhiskyAlphaTango · 10/01/2021 11:57

Op I got married last February and Dh and I do not live together, we have a vague idea that in the future we will but who knows. maybe we will maybe we wont. We are both really happy with our arrangement and I love my own space as does he. So I do see it from your DP side. HOWEVER this is not what you want and it has to be a mutual agreement to work. I completely see where you're coming from with a child, my dc are late teens so its been different for me.

I think he is not the man for you, you want different things from a relationship. I think I would look to accepting this and move on sooner rather than later tbh.

hayleysmiles · 10/01/2021 11:58

He is not committed to your relationship

SkiingIsHeaven · 10/01/2021 11:59

This is not normal. He is not ready.

If you do that, make sure he signs something saying he has no claim on your house.

ChronicallyCurious · 10/01/2021 11:59

Why the rush to get him to move in? He clearly doesn’t want to. I know you’ve been together for two years and that seems like a while but with a child involved I don’t think there’s any need to rush it or push him into it. I’d be questioning his reluctance if you’d been together for even a year longer but two years really isn’t that long.

ThornAmongstRoses · 10/01/2021 11:59

I could have written this post exactly 10 years (minus me having a child).

I was using us moving together as a measure of how serious we were - he wasn’t so keen. But like your partner he said he’d move in as long as he could take some time out “every now and then” and go back to his flat.

Surprise, surprise it turned out he was seeing someone behind my back.

If he was committed to a future with you he would move in properly - not make this half hearted attempted which only proves he doesn’t really want to move in and take that step of commitment.

thethoughtfox · 10/01/2021 12:00

"I needed some support and asked him to come and stay with us - he declined"

He doesn't see you and your child as a package that he wants to be part of. Don't let him move in out of your daughter's life.

TonMoulin · 10/01/2021 12:00

He wants his cake and eat it. He can’t have at the same time the privileges coming from living on his own and have some independance AND at thhe same time the privileges coming from living together.

I’d give him an ultimatum. It’s either together or not.
Otherwise he’ll spend years stringing you along.

Redwinestillfine · 10/01/2021 12:01

I would suggest that rather than moving in with him you take a step back and see him a bit less/ dont have him over. He needs to be 100% in or out. You and your daughter deserve that.

Zilla1 · 10/01/2021 12:01

Well it could be anything on a spectrum from what most PPs have said to a cautious person to someone who recognises they need to decompress or manage their 'comfort' level on a trajectory to living together full-time.

Trying to be helpful, you might want to think about his personality. If he's an extrovert Jack the Lad then some of the suspicious PPs might be right. If he's cautious then it might be someone who in good faith is self-aware.

The final point is that you might want to consider how much your expectations that he acts and thinks like you do will cause problems in the future if he has a different personality. Even if he's acting in good faith and you end up together, you might need to consider your expectations and how much your way of thinking is that your way is the only, right way.

Good luck.

Cherrysoup · 10/01/2021 12:02

Wants his cake and to eat it too. No, I would not recommend he ‘half’ moves in. He’s not as committed to this relationship, is he?

Cokie3 · 10/01/2021 12:03

I disagree with CodenameVillanelle , the who point of being in a relationship is that you want to be with that person, you can't stand being apart from them. You are supposed to actually want to be spending as much time with them as you can. It sounds like the complete opposite of a relationship if you don't want to actually live with your partner. It's more like a friendship or FWB. How you feel OP is completely normal. That he doesn't want to wake up with you, spend most (not all, obviously, you gotta have hobbies/interests/friends) of his time with you means he views you as FWB, not as a partner. OP, I have been here, believe me, this fugging hurts like hell but - breathes in - he really is not that into you. You are in the normal 'I want to spend every waking moment with you' phase, where as he seems to view his relationship with you as casual, easy come easy go, no strings attached, no commitment. I know what you're feeling, I know. I don't know of any way to soften the blow for you, I really don't. But he does not see a commitment to you in his future or at least near future, he is no where near as invested in your or in love with you as you are with him. That fugging hurts, I have spent more time in tears wishing someone could just give me a chance and love me the way I love them, in the past than I wish to remember. He wants to live the single life, and come and go and play the field (hence his own flat, which he can continue to own yet not use it much or go there), he doesn't want to fully commit to living with you. I think you need to find a way to not be as attached and invested (pretty much impossible I know) or end the relationship. He is just not at the same stage as you.

Santaiscovidfree · 10/01/2021 12:04

I fear you are going to be walking on egg shells keeping him happy so he doesn't buggar off back to his other life.. The one he really wants. He had no intention of committing to you or your dc... He had told you as much many times by the sounds of it. Listen to him.

alittleprivacy · 10/01/2021 12:04

As many others have said, you don't seem compatible. Neither of you are wrong for wanting what you each want but you don't want the same thing and it will probably lead to neither of you being truly happy.

Since the end of my marriage, I honestly can't see myself ever, ever, ever wanting to live with anyone apart from my DS. I'd hate it. I love being my own person in control of my own day to day life. I'd hate to have to fit another person's wants constantly into my days. (Obviously I do with my DS but that's entirely different.) I wouldn't mind a boyfriend but I absolutely hope I never find myself wanting to live with a partner again because life alone is sooooooo much more enjoyable.

DramaLamaDingDong · 10/01/2021 12:05

He never seems enthusiastic or excited about the prospect.

OP, please don’t waste more of your life (and DD’s) on this man.