DP moving in with me on the condition of 'taking time out'?

[hannahrose123]

DP and I have been together for 2 years. I have a DD from a previous relationship. There has been quite a contentious point in our relationship for some time; that is living with one another. When the pandemic first started, I needed some support and asked him to come and stay with us - he declined, which was okay... we've now formed a support bubble, as he lives alone and so do I (plus DD).

Then as time as gone on (and another year) we have had many discussions about us moving in together... I am genuinely excited to live with him, I see him as the one I want to settle down with, have more children with etc. He never seems enthusiastic or excited about the prospect.

We've now reached a point in our discussions where he has said he will move in, 'but he wants to be able to take time out when he needs it'. He owns his own flat about an hour from my place, and from my understanding, he wants to travel back and forth as and when he feels like he 'needs the space'. He said this might be that he 'lives' with me for 2 weeks, then goes to his flat for a few nights, then comes back for a week, then goes back to his flat for 2 days... then he said that hopefully as time goes on and he gets more comfortable living here, he won't feel the need to go back as much.

His proposal has made me feel really shit. I am crazy about him, I would love to wake up next to him everyday, all of those exciting things. I don't feel great about the idea at all, it has made me feel very rejected.

Moving in together is not meant to be like this, is it?

He is too young to settle down, and you are the woman he is dating in the meantime. When he meets a woman who doesn't have a child already, he will drop you in a flash and power through dating -> moving in -> marrying -> starting a family with her.

Please don't teach your daughter - who is now old enough to notice what's going on around her - to accept the bare minimum from men. You would be setting her the worst possible example, and she WILL copy your actions when she grows up. Do you want that for her?

Break up with this guy. He doesn't want to commit to you, and you have a child so you can't do casual right now.

You have about 15 years of fertility. You're not playing russian roulette with your uterus, you're playing it with your self esteem, and your daughter's future.

Get rid of him and hold out for proper committment (i.e. marriage) with a man who loves you.

If he isn't committed - and feels uncertain about being part of your family - then he shouldn't be playing parent to your daughter.

It is risking her happiness and setting her up to feel rejected if (when) he leaves.

Protect her - and yourself.

You could date - but should probably look for a man who is wholehearted and not looking over his shoulder in case something better happens along.

[quote hannahrose123]@jimmyjammy001

If we went back to 'dating', which is what I suggested, it really wouldn't be an issue. He could come over most evenings, DD never gets out of bed once she's been put to bed - save illness which happens about once a year! I also have a great support system who 9/10 are more than happy to have DD to stay so I can go out etc.

The issue is, he doesn't want to just 'date', because he says it won't be an accurate reflection of what our lives will be like. He effectively wants to be a part of our family, as and when it suits him... with no real routine... or 'move in', but not really move in, as he will escape to his house whenever it pleases...[/quote]
You can see what is happening. I would end it. You and dd deserve more and he can’t expect to just come and go as he pleases.

I don't think this weird no commitment pretend move in situation would be fair on your daughter (or you)

I think you probably know this or you wouldn't be feeling as you are.