Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 15 16

Original poster

DP moving in with me on the condition of 'taking time out'?

379 replies

hannahrose123 · 10/01/2021 10:47

DP and I have been together for 2 years. I have a DD from a previous relationship. There has been quite a contentious point in our relationship for some time; that is living with one another. When the pandemic first started, I needed some support and asked him to come and stay with us - he declined, which was okay... we've now formed a support bubble, as he lives alone and so do I (plus DD).

Then as time as gone on (and another year) we have had many discussions about us moving in together... I am genuinely excited to live with him, I see him as the one I want to settle down with, have more children with etc. He never seems enthusiastic or excited about the prospect.

We've now reached a point in our discussions where he has said he will move in, 'but he wants to be able to take time out when he needs it'. He owns his own flat about an hour from my place, and from my understanding, he wants to travel back and forth as and when he feels like he 'needs the space'. He said this might be that he 'lives' with me for 2 weeks, then goes to his flat for a few nights, then comes back for a week, then goes back to his flat for 2 days... then he said that hopefully as time goes on and he gets more comfortable living here, he won't feel the need to go back as much.

His proposal has made me feel really shit. I am crazy about him, I would love to wake up next to him everyday, all of those exciting things. I don't feel great about the idea at all, it has made me feel very rejected.

Moving in together is not meant to be like this, is it?

OP posts:

SnowFields · 10/01/2021 11:15

It sounds to me as if you are pushing to live together and he has agreed to appease you, not because he wants to do so.

How is his relationship with your DD? Does he have a child or children? Moving in can be quite a big step for some people anyway, let alone becoming a father figure at the same time.

Why don’t you suggest he doesn’t move in but spends half the week with you for the foreseeable future and see how that works? If things go well, he could increase by another day at a time. If they don’t go well, I’d reassess the relationship (look unbiasedly from your DD’s point of view of necessary).

Please don’t have children with him though until you have sorted this out.

littlepattilou · 10/01/2021 11:16

@hannahrose123 OMG PLEASE do not settle down with this man, and do NOT have children with him. PLEASE don't think you won't find/don't deserve something better than this shitty behaviour.

I am thinking you think you don't deserve better because you're a single mother. I have seen too many single mothers put up with so much shit, from the WORST men, because of this 'any man is better than no man' train of thought that they have. It makes me so sad.

He is taking the piss, and he is selfish and thoughtless, and only thinking of himself. Fuck him. He is not worthy of scraping the shit off your shoe. Seriously, you are worth more than this, and you deserve better. There are good men out there, but this individual is NOT one of them.

Imagine if you have kids with him? 'Sorry hun, but I need my space for a week, so I'm fucking off away somewhere and leaving you with the kids and all the responsibilities of the home.' FUCK that!

And the posters before me are right when they say that you will be setting a bad example to your daughter, and showing her that it's OK to be treated like a piece of shit by men. Don't do that to her; life is hard enough for girls and women as it is.

Having said all of this, I really do believe that you will let him move in, and will take the treatment he dishes out. I do hope you don't.

SnowFields · 10/01/2021 11:16

@ChippyChickenChips

It sounds to me as if he's unsure of making the commitment. I don't think he can be blamed for that. Also, living with a toddler (however adorable) is a huge step for someone without children. I can clearly see why anyone would want a bolthole. I wish I had one myself but they're my children so I don't get the option. OP says she asked him to move in because she needed support. That's quite telling.

This has crossed with what I wrote and says it much better.

shouldistop · 10/01/2021 11:16

Honestly, I'd hate to live with someone else's child and wouldn't get into a serious relationship with someone with children.
Maybe he's trying to keep it casual.

YerWanIsGettinNotions · 10/01/2021 11:16

Never make someone your priority who only sees you as an option.

Here you are, ready to commit to someone who doesn’t want to be stuck with you without an escape route.

This isn’t the one, OP. Throw him back. Wait til you start spending time with someone who actually likes you, it will be such a different experience.

sst1234 · 10/01/2021 11:18

It’s his choice that he doesn’t want to commit. He’s made that fairly clear. OP, why are you flogging a dead horse?

freeandfierce · 10/01/2021 11:18

This sounds perfect, exactly what my BF and I have discussed. I never want to day to day domestic stuff to come in the way as it often does. We have keys to one another's properties and an agreement that we can show up and let ourselves in anytime. I live when I've worked a 12 hour day, walk in and he's popped in with flowers of leaves me a bottle of wine and note. Sometimes I wake up and he's asleep beside me, just let himself in and climbed in beside me. Keeps the thrill and excitement. I return the favours and surprise him too.

PeteringOut · 10/01/2021 11:19

I 100% agree with this

CodenameVillanelle: Not everyone wants to live with their partner. Personally I think his suggestion sounds like my ideal scenario! However he might just not be ready for the commitment, in which case he should be honest with you. You really shouldn't take this as a personal rejection.

It’s perfectly possible to be in love with someone and not want to live with them. You see it on here all the time - women with kids who want to have a partner and their own house with their kids.

That doesn’t mean you have to agree or stay together but it doesn’t make him weird or a liar.

littlepattilou · 10/01/2021 11:19

@SnowFields @ChippyChickenChips

If this man doesn't want to commit, and doesn't want to help support his partner of two years, then he should quit being a wimp and a coward, and grow a spine, and TELL her this. TELL her he can't be arsed with a proper relationship!

She needs to dump him. Like hell would I settle down with a man like this. He will NEVER be ready. He is too selfish. We have pretty much all met at least one man like this!

ArchbishopOfBanterbury · 10/01/2021 11:20

Is it about moving in with you, or about becoming a sudden parent to your child? I could see how he'd like a break from a child sometimes. I have a toddler and I'd love a childfree day off.

partyatthepalace · 10/01/2021 11:20

If he doesn't want to live with you, he's not the one.

Don't keep trying to push this one to the next level - it's not happening and you deserve to have someone who loves you as much as you him.

If the relationship is working in our lockdown world, I'd keep it going as is, but when things lift in Spring I'd start thinking about how to move on. Or just move on now if that's what you prefer.

Holyrivolli · 10/01/2021 11:20

His proposed arrangement sounds good to me with each having space and some alone time. I would personally love that type of deal and it doesn’t mean that he’s shagging someone else. Many people find the intensity of being together all the time is not enjoyable but it doesn’t mean that they are not committed to the person and relationship.

If it doesn’t work for you then you should decide whether he is the right man for you.

TheBeesKnee · 10/01/2021 11:22

YABVU to plough on ahead when he's very clearly not into it/you/whatever.

Are you going to go ahead and have lots of babies if he has this same attitude towards procreating as well?

NewYearNewPlumbing · 10/01/2021 11:23

He wants a girlfriend, you want a f/t partner, new baby and co-parent.

He isn’t wrong to not want a f/t line in relationship, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t care for you or even love you.

It just means you want different things.

Also, it isn’t that easy to become a f/t step parent to a child.

You need to be honest with yourself about all this. You are ‘crazy’ about him and this is stopping you seeing the reality.

You need to decide whether what he wants is enough for you.

And do not hang in in there hoping or fantasising that in time he will change his mind. He almost certainly won’t.

Do not get pregnant.

Sorry, OP, I know it is painful and incredibly upsetting, but you need to be brave and honest with yourself and take the best decision in the long term for you and your Dd.

randomsabreuse · 10/01/2021 11:24

I'm on the fence here because even though I'm happily married my non pandemic life definitely has some time away from DH built in... Probably in a hotel in relation to my hobby but I'd be away for a weekend every 2 months, he'd be away on a course and we'd both be out for hobbies, work socials as and when they came up.

So moving in now when there is nothing else to do is way more intense than normal life, especially if you both work from home!

Not sure how old your DD is but going from a solo life to 24/7/365 child will be a shock!

MrsBrunch · 10/01/2021 11:24

It's been long enough now to know what he wants and he's telling you. Listen to him. He does not want to move in.

This is a man who is not ready for commitment or children.

Original poster

hannahrose123 · 10/01/2021 11:25

DD is 7 so not a toddler.

He has actually said that 'if we have an argument, it will give him somewhere to have head space for a night or two.'

I did need support, not with childcare, but also just with being alone and in the house 24/7. Going on walks, watching tv all the time etc. is pretty crap when you're on your own. It's not about needing help with childcare, I've done that for 5 years alone. It was more about not being lonely, having someone to spend the evenings and weekends with, go on the daily walk with, which I thought he might want to?

One issue for me is, and why I don't want to agree to a 50/50 split of living here vs not living here is... when he is here, he very much acts the part of the 'father' figure. He does lots for me and DD, but I'd really rather he didn't behave that way if he's not going to commit to it.

I have suggested that if he's not ready to commit properly, we go back to dating. He comes over when DD is in bed, we go for walks and a coffee together when we can... when we're able to go out again we go for dates and he can come over on weekends when DD is away. We can go on holidays and weekends away without involving DD. I don't want DD having this half-in, half-out man in her life. But he's not happy with that compromise because he says 'it won't be how it will be when we move in together and become a full time thing if DD isn't involved.'

OP posts:

Winterwoollies · 10/01/2021 11:25

He’s devised himself a permanent get-out clause. He doesn’t want to live with you and he isn’t keen enough on you to commit to you.

You’re worth more than that. Tell him to go have a permanent time out from you and your daughter.

littlepattilou · 10/01/2021 11:26

100% this. ^

willowmelangell · 10/01/2021 11:27

OP. He doesn't want to live with you and your dd.
Could be 10 or more reasons. Money, noisy sex, cooking, cleaning, late night gaming, lie in's, sharing snacks, lack of space, bathroom rota, WFH, lack of privacy, etc etc etc.
You are not listening to him. He has offered a compromise. Set out his terms.

Take the offer(and risk the potential cocklodging) or leave it as it is.

LannieDuck · 10/01/2021 11:27

He wants to date, he doesn't want to move in. Sound like he wants to keep the freedom of being a single man.

If he did 'move in' as he suggests, he'd be more of a guest in your house - how much of the cleaning do you think he'll be doing?

littlepattilou · 10/01/2021 11:28

@Winterwoollies

He’s devised himself a permanent get-out clause. He doesn’t want to live with you and he isn’t keen enough on you to commit to you.

You’re worth more than that. Tell him to go have a permanent time out from you and your daughter.

Forgot to quote. 100% this.

@hannahrose123 I agree. Give him a permanent time out!

Seeingadistance · 10/01/2021 11:30

@Lemonpiano

He doesn't want to live with you. Why have you continued to push and push for it when he's made it so clear it's not what he wants?

This.

You seem to be incompatible, or going at different paces. You’re pushing him into something he doesn’t want which is a recipe for disaster.

Imissmoominmama · 10/01/2021 11:31

He’s being honest. He might find it overwhelming at first, and doesn’t want to resent giving up his space.

Haggertyjane · 10/01/2021 11:31

He wants his cake and eat it. simple as that. If this doesnt suit you, I suggest giving it a year, and if there is no committment then dump him, he is not really buying into the relationship. and don't this having a baby will make a difference, it usually makes things worse.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 15 16