Page 15 | DP moving in with me on the condition of 'taking time out'?

Original poster

hannahrose123 · 10/01/2021 19:13

@jimmyjammy001

If we went back to 'dating', which is what I suggested, it really wouldn't be an issue. He could come over most evenings, DD never gets out of bed once she's been put to bed - save illness which happens about once a year! I also have a great support system who 9/10 are more than happy to have DD to stay so I can go out etc.

The issue is, he doesn't want to just 'date', because he says it won't be an accurate reflection of what our lives will be like. He effectively wants to be a part of our family, as and when it suits him... with no real routine... or 'move in', but not really move in, as he will escape to his house whenever it pleases...

OP posts:

cabingirl · 10/01/2021 19:28

He's just obviously not on the same page as you right now on this issue.

It's either he doesn't really like the idea of living with anyone permanently and so wants to try it out so that he can see if it's for him.

Or he's just not that into the idea of living with you specifically and wants to try it out to see if it's for him.

You get to decide if this tentative approach works for you too.

But you can't force him to match your enthusiasm.

Burnthurst187 · 10/01/2021 19:31

From what you've said it doesn't sound like you'd be living together as he'd be disappearing for a few days at a time on a regular basis

He doesn't sound committed at all. I'd hazard a guess that he's thinking living with a child might be a bit too much for him so he wants to be able to get out of there

I think that maybe you're trying to get him to do something that he isn't ready for but he doesn't want to tell you that so has instead mentioned wanting alone time instead

Lemonpiano · 10/01/2021 19:35

So that's the end of the road for the relationship then really.

Greenfingeredsue · 10/01/2021 19:55

If he meets someone without a child who lives close by, he’ll be off.

Purplethrow · 10/01/2021 20:01

Sounds like he wants to be with you if things are going well but if there’s anything difficult to deal with he’ll disappear back to his place. That’s not how a committed relationship works really.

LaceyBetty · 10/01/2021 20:11

[quote hannahrose123]@jimmyjammy001

If we went back to 'dating', which is what I suggested, it really wouldn't be an issue. He could come over most evenings, DD never gets out of bed once she's been put to bed - save illness which happens about once a year! I also have a great support system who 9/10 are more than happy to have DD to stay so I can go out etc.

The issue is, he doesn't want to just 'date', because he says it won't be an accurate reflection of what our lives will be like. He effectively wants to be a part of our family, as and when it suits him... with no real routine... or 'move in', but not really move in, as he will escape to his house whenever it pleases...[/quote]
And is that good enough for you?

CoalTit · 10/01/2021 20:14

If we went back to 'dating', which is what I suggested, it really wouldn't be an issue...
The issue is, he doesn't want to just 'date'...
Yes, that's where he is being quite creepy. He wants to be in both your and your daughter's life, with the power to disappear whenever it suits him, and all the instability that that would create for you and your daughter. It's just not on. Even if you are prepared to put up with such a lop-sided relationship for yourself, you have a duty to keep that kind of crap out of your daughter's childhood.

carly2803 · 10/01/2021 20:33

OP you deserve better than this man.

Listen to him, he does not want to move in or just date - he wants everything on his terms,does not work like that.

let him go home and tell him not to bother coming back again

Cosmos123 · 10/01/2021 20:52

He is not the one.

You are clearly more in love with him than he is with you.

However hard it is just back away.

If he really wants to be with you he will not play these games.

Winterwoollies · 10/01/2021 21:56

He doesn’t want the commitment of a ready made family, I don’t think. Your updates suggest that even more strongly. He likes you enough to want to keep you happy, he probably likes having a nice, reliable woman there for him when he fancies playing cosy house and families, but when he wants to go do other stuff he can just play the ‘I need a cooling off period’ card and go and get leathered with his mates/game/clubbing/whatever he’s into. It’s the illusion of commitment to keep you happy/at his beck and call, without any of the actual commitment.

Now he’s a young man, not wanting to join a ready-made family is understandable in a way, it doesn’t make him (necessarily) a bad person, but I would encourage you to want more from the person you choose to bring into the home you share with your daughter.

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 10/01/2021 22:09

Moving in together is not meant to be like this, is it?

No, sorry OP, it's not. He's not moving in. He will stay at yours sometimes. Probably seeing other women at his flat.

Get rid.

Ntwa · 10/01/2021 23:41

Same boat.. Have waited for years stupidly.. Ended things a few days ago.. Should be both sides excited.. Sad but true

WhereYouLeftIt · 10/01/2021 23:42

"He bought up moving in together initially, very quickly into the relationship... then I mentioned we might like to move in together when the first lockdown hit. After his initial bringing it up he has cooled off the idea massively."
Very quickly? Red flag - I believe it's known as love bombing, meant to convince the bombed person that the bomber is so serious about them that they don't need those boundaries, no sirree! Well seeing he rowed right back when you took him up on it. Because he didn't actually mean it, it was just a tactic.

"The issue is, he doesn't want to just 'date', because he says it won't be an accurate reflection of what our lives will be like. He effectively wants to be a part of our family, as and when it suits him... with no real routine... or 'move in', but not really move in, as he will escape to his house whenever it pleases..."
As and when it suits him. Exactly. And as to escaping to his house, he's already told you when that will happen - "He has actually said that 'if we have an argument, it will give him somewhere to have head space for a night or two.'" I'm guessing 'have an argument' will expand to 'any time you have an opinion that isn't slavishly following his'. He will punish your lack of doormattishness by walking out.

And let's return to

"He said this might be that he 'lives' with me for 2 weeks, then goes to his flat for a few nights, then comes back for a week, then goes back to his flat for 2 days... then he said that hopefully as time goes on and he gets more comfortable living here, he won't feel the need to go back as much."
My reading is that getting more comfortable will mean 'hannahrose123 not voicing anything that I can use to flounce to my house, because by then I'll have trained her not to'.

Don't put yourself through this. Don't put your daughter through this.

AcrossthePond55 · 11/01/2021 01:13

He bought up moving in together initially, very quickly into the relationship.

This is a pretty common tactic with certain men. "In my day" they would talk about marriage and wanting to 'settle down' with the 'right girl' way too quickly. They'd 'reel you in' with their talk (but no 'promises') and as soon as they felt 'sure' they had you, that marriage talk dropped off or became a vague 'someday'.

As my mum used to say "Men use love to get sex, women use sex to get love". The second part may not be true these days, but the first still is.

BubblyBarbara · 11/01/2021 01:24

He’s sleeping around maybe with a FWB hence the potentially random schedule that he’ll go back for a “break”

Sinful8 · 11/01/2021 01:24

@hannahrose123

DP and I have been together for 2 years. I have a DD from a previous relationship. There has been quite a contentious point in our relationship for some time; that is living with one another. When the pandemic first started, I needed some support and asked him to come and stay with us - he declined, which was okay... we've now formed a support bubble, as he lives alone and so do I (plus DD).

Then as time as gone on (and another year) we have had many discussions about us moving in together... I am genuinely excited to live with him, I see him as the one I want to settle down with, have more children with etc. He never seems enthusiastic or excited about the prospect.

We've now reached a point in our discussions where he has said he will move in, 'but he wants to be able to take time out when he needs it'. He owns his own flat about an hour from my place, and from my understanding, he wants to travel back and forth as and when he feels like he 'needs the space'. He said this might be that he 'lives' with me for 2 weeks, then goes to his flat for a few nights, then comes back for a week, then goes back to his flat for 2 days... then he said that hopefully as time goes on and he gets more comfortable living here, he won't feel the need to go back as much.

His proposal has made me feel really shit. I am crazy about him, I would love to wake up next to him everyday, all of those exciting things. I don't feel great about the idea at all, it has made me feel very rejected.

Moving in together is not meant to be like this, is it?

Going from single and living alone to living with somone else's child can be hard.

I can't blame him for letting you know up front he might need a break, better than you finding this out later.

PerveenMistry · 11/01/2021 01:25

@VettiyaIruken

If you do this, for god's sake don't have a child with him (or believe him if he says he wouldn't do it if you had a child together)

This.

Ffs if you want more offspring at least find a decent father for them.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 11/01/2021 12:27

Honestly? I would be seeing this as big big flashing red flags.

He is not as into you as you are into him.

dontdisturbmenow · 11/01/2021 12:40

You've k my been together 2 years. You've already built your whole future with him, more kids before you even know that you can indeed make it work.

Without sending unpleasant, you come across as very needy and I can understand that all this would frighten him and he would want to 'try out' what you are proposing before taking the dive and ending up in too deep.

jeaux90 · 11/01/2021 12:43

I'm a single mum. I am not sure why you want to give up your independence so readily.

It sounds like a great current situation to me. He comes over but you still get your own space and your DD gets to have you to herself too a lot of the time.

I've been with my partner a few years now, we both still live separately and it works really well.

What do you think your DD is going to get out of changing the current arrangement?

EttaKett · 12/01/2021 20:25

[quote hannahrose123]@jimmyjammy001

If we went back to 'dating', which is what I suggested, it really wouldn't be an issue. He could come over most evenings, DD never gets out of bed once she's been put to bed - save illness which happens about once a year! I also have a great support system who 9/10 are more than happy to have DD to stay so I can go out etc.

The issue is, he doesn't want to just 'date', because he says it won't be an accurate reflection of what our lives will be like. He effectively wants to be a part of our family, as and when it suits him... with no real routine... or 'move in', but not really move in, as he will escape to his house whenever it pleases...[/quote]
I completely disagree with all those who say that 'independence' and 'keeping your own place' mean 'shagging on the side'. I value my independence and own space enormously, and have no desire to shag anyone but my non-resident DP (who also likes his own space and independence, and is also not shagging anyone else).

It's perfectly possibly to shag other people whilst co-habiting, anyway. I have also done this.

That said: OP, what your boyfriend is proposing is potentially confusing for your daughter. He either needs to be your special friend who comes to visit, or he needs to take on a proper quasi-stepfather role, meaning that he has to be someone that she can depend on. She's only two: it will mean nothing to her that he's going back to his house for X days, then coming back for two weeks, then going away again, etc. For small children, him not being there = he has gone. But then he turns up again.

Obviously this happens in cases where a parent works away and has small children. But in that case, they aren't just visitors who flit to and fro: they are still actively involved with their children, albeit at a geographical distance. This is not the case with your boyfriend, who will likely act as if your daughter didn't exist as soon as he leaves your house. And there's no reason why he shouldn't: she's not his daughter. Nothing on Earth would persuade me to take on a man with small children now that mine are older; I can completely see why someone wouldn't want any of that.

And, in turn, there's the issue of whether you do or don't want to have children with this man. FWIW, I would say don't even consider it until and unless he shows himself to be a fully active, committed stepfather to the child you have already got. This means he would have to move in with you properly. And he also has to want to be with your daughter. You and she are a package deal, and if he doesn't want both of you, properly, then he needs to be chucked back into the dating pool.

Giraffey1 · 12/01/2021 20:27

Nope. Just say no!

thebestnamehere · 12/01/2021 21:17

He never seems enthusiastic or excited about the prospect.

He owns his own flat about an hour from my place

I am crazy about him

Ntwa · 13/01/2021 10:35

He never seems enthusiastic or excited about the prospect...

That... That was my ex dp.. As much as he 'said' it was what he wanted.. I didn't see 1 iota of excitement.. So so sad when we get on so well