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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP moving in with me on the condition of 'taking time out'?

379 replies

hannahrose123 · 10/01/2021 10:47

DP and I have been together for 2 years. I have a DD from a previous relationship. There has been quite a contentious point in our relationship for some time; that is living with one another. When the pandemic first started, I needed some support and asked him to come and stay with us - he declined, which was okay... we've now formed a support bubble, as he lives alone and so do I (plus DD).

Then as time as gone on (and another year) we have had many discussions about us moving in together... I am genuinely excited to live with him, I see him as the one I want to settle down with, have more children with etc. He never seems enthusiastic or excited about the prospect.

We've now reached a point in our discussions where he has said he will move in, 'but he wants to be able to take time out when he needs it'. He owns his own flat about an hour from my place, and from my understanding, he wants to travel back and forth as and when he feels like he 'needs the space'. He said this might be that he 'lives' with me for 2 weeks, then goes to his flat for a few nights, then comes back for a week, then goes back to his flat for 2 days... then he said that hopefully as time goes on and he gets more comfortable living here, he won't feel the need to go back as much.

His proposal has made me feel really shit. I am crazy about him, I would love to wake up next to him everyday, all of those exciting things. I don't feel great about the idea at all, it has made me feel very rejected.

Moving in together is not meant to be like this, is it?

OP posts:
TonMoulin · 10/01/2021 12:05

@Bagamoyo1

surelynot you’re wrong. I’ve been on mumsnet for 15 years and it’s a recurring theme. When someone has a boyfriend who wants them to get more involved with him and his young child, he is always accused of wanting free childcare. Always.

I’m baffled at people thinking that it’s bad for a child to have a part time man in their life like this. Why is it bad? I have kids and I’ve been with my partner for 5 years. He visits 3 times a week, stays over for half the weekend, comes on holiday with us etc. My kids like having him around, but they also like their time alone with me. I think it’s a good set up. It’s not confusing to them.

The difference is that you are talking about a clear set up with clear boundaries.

In this case, the. DP just wants a get out clause when he feels like it (whilst probably still expecting the OP to do his washing).

Iknowwhatudidlastsummer · 10/01/2021 12:05

the who point of being in a relationship is that you want to be with that person, you can't stand being apart from them. You are supposed to actually want to be spending as much time with them as you can.

well yes, but when you get a bit older, and the other one has a child, it makes things a bit more complicated doesn't it?

MrsFluffyMuff · 10/01/2021 12:05

Not everyone wants to live with their partner. Personally I think his suggestion sounds like my ideal scenario!

Me too!

CleanQueen123 · 10/01/2021 12:05

This is not the man to move in with, settled down with, and certainly not have a child with.

Unless you're happy to sign up to a life of being left alone with the kids for days at a time while he goes off to "have some space".

He doesn't want to live with you or be a family.

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/01/2021 12:05

You’re the parent in this set up and it’s your responsibility to put in place the boundaries around your child and your boyfriend. How long has he been in a parenting role? She was only 5 when you started dating, you don’t live together, it was your job to protect her from bonding too much with a man who clearly isn’t going at the same pace as you are. He might be taking the piss by acting the dad when he’s staying over while not committing to the family life you now want full time. But it’s on you, as her mother, if you’ve let him get too involved while not respecting his wishes about how serious your relationship is.

How confusing will it be for her now if you stop them seeing each other? Have you told her he might be moving in? Are you trying to force him to agree to moving in full time by taking the family life part out of the equation?

Does she see her dad?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 10/01/2021 12:06

He needs to shit or get off the pot.

Orlania · 10/01/2021 12:06

My kids like having him around, but they also like their time alone with me. I think it’s a good set up. It’s not confusing to them.

Yes same here. Seems weird to me that so many will only accept the full time living arrangement or nothing. That partners are only committed if they are with them 100 percent of the time. Maybe they don't like spending time alone and don't understand why other people might. Or they have massive trust issues. 🤷

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 10/01/2021 12:07

Tell him that YOU no longer want to live together or semi live together, his ONLY option is to go back to 'dating'.

He wants the cosy family life when it suits him & to be able to run back to his flat when that gets difficult. He will have you exactly where he wants you because you'll everything you can to 'keep him happy' so he doesn't go. That will be bad for you and terrible for DD. More damaging than the current situation.

Strong arming him into moving in is NOT the way forward. It's really not.

Shoxfordian · 10/01/2021 12:07

Why is this half hearted arrangement even something you’d consider? Do you really need a man so badly that you would settle for this? Dump him

altiara · 10/01/2021 12:08

I think it all sounds quite quick when you started asking him to move in. In a way I think he’s right to just increase the amount of time at your house to get used to living with you and becoming a step dad. I don’t agree with his having time away after an argument but that’s easily sorted out by saying you would prefer to resolve arguments than run away from them.
I caught between think I wouldn’t want to be pressured into living with you from his view and from your view, yes you want someone happy and excited to be moving in.
If the relationships good, why not wait another year.

Vitaminsss · 10/01/2021 12:08

He doesn’t want to essentially be a full time parent to your daughter just yet, which is fair enough. You want different things in life - maybe you’re not compatible

Orlania · 10/01/2021 12:09

the who point of being in a relationship is that you want to be with that person, you can't stand being apart from them. You are supposed to actually want to be spending as much time with them as you can.

That sounds clingy, claustrophobic and not a good basis for a relationship imo. Like an obsessive crush.

Freddiefox · 10/01/2021 12:09

I read it as you have put pressure on him to move in. Two year isn’t that long really to be moving in with you and your child.

I think he is telling you he’s not ready, and now it’s for you to make a choice. He can move in and you accept he needs his own space or don’t. He’s been upfront about what he needs.

If they don’t meet your expectations, you have to choose what you do next.

Bagamoyo1 · 10/01/2021 12:10

This “dive straight in and hope for the best” is the reason why the relationship board on mumsnet thrives! I think people should be more like your boyfriend - cautious and having a plan for if it all goes wrong. How many times do we read about women on here who have moved into their boyfriends house, only for them to split up and have nowhere to go.

diamondpony80 · 10/01/2021 12:11

Someone wants to have his cake and eat it. He’s not committed to you. Are you sure he doesn’t already have someone else visiting him at his flat? I can’t see any other reason why he’d drive an hour to go sleep somewhere else.

Bagamoyo1 · 10/01/2021 12:11

@Orlania

the who point of being in a relationship is that you want to be with that person, you can't stand being apart from them. You are supposed to actually want to be spending as much time with them as you can.

That sounds clingy, claustrophobic and not a good basis for a relationship imo. Like an obsessive crush.

I agree. Scary. If someone said they felt like that about me I’d run a mile.
Vitaminsss · 10/01/2021 12:11

To be clear, it’s apparent that you’re both in different stages in life. He plays the part, but isn’t ready to settle down and combine lives with you.

Somethingkindaoooo · 10/01/2021 12:12

@hannahrose123

He has said he wants to 'take time out', because he feels as though he might get to points (whilst living together) where he isn't giving us his best and wants a few days as and when to refresh himself.
That made me splutter......he's dressing it up that it would be to your benefit.

Op
Living with this man would be signing up for heartache.

Be very very honest with yourself- are you hoping living with you will nudge him into being more committed/ fall in love with you more?

He may be a good man, but he doesn't sound like he's on the same page.

CandidaAlbicans2 · 10/01/2021 12:13

Neither of you are wrong in what you want, just incompatible, and I've always thought that cohabiting can really strain even the best relationship. Maybe it's because I'm an introvert who never gets lonely and finds being with people long term draining. I've tried living with someone and it was the death of the relationship due to all the compromising and the inability to have quality time alone, and don't see it as this wonderful romantic next step in relationships I once did. So it really depends on what you want and whether it ties in with what he does.

Bagamoyo1 · 10/01/2021 12:13

This really is surreal. I don’t want to live with my boyfriend. We’ve been together 5 years, I love him, he’s great, and one day I’m sure we will live together. But I work, I have 2 kids, I have practically no time on my own. I have my own way of doing things. I have my own stuff. I’m happy as we are. Does that mean I’m not committed and I’m shagging someone else on the side?!!

Stompythedinosaur · 10/01/2021 12:15

I think your instincts are spot on, op. He isn't committed to you and letting him get to involved with your dd could hurt her. He either wants to be a family or not, he can have both.

CorianderBee · 10/01/2021 12:16

So you've only been together 2 years but you want him to move in, form a family and have more babies?

Slow the fuck down love.

billy1966 · 10/01/2021 12:16

OP,

He's not that into you.

You are pushing this to such an extent that you are humiliating yourself.

He's entitled to not want to move in with you.

Him wanting a bolt hole couldn't make it clearer.

He's not prepared to move in with you, he's prepared to stay extra nights with you.

He certainly shouldn't be acting like a father to your daughter because as he soon as he meets someone he is crazy about, he WILL be gone.

YOU are mad about him, HE likes you.

You are good enough for now.

Hard to accept I know.
Painful.
But it's the truth.

You are bringing a whole lot of grief to your door by not accepting this.

I bet your gut know that you are into him WAY more than he is into you.

Sorry.Flowers

ginghamstarfish · 10/01/2021 12:16

He is very clearly not on the same page as you, relationship-wise. If I were you I would dump him and find someone who feels the same about you as you do about him. He also is clearly not the man to have more children with, as it will not change him.

Xenia · 10/01/2021 12:16

I would never move another man into my home now. The man here is not wrong.

Perhaps only move in together when you get married.

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