Page 4 | DP moving in with me on the condition of 'taking time out'?

Oldraver · 10/01/2021 11:31

Selfish fucker, he isnt thinking about what's best for your DD (and it will confuse her him swanning off) or you, just himself

Hailtomyteeth · 10/01/2021 11:32

I'm sorry, OP, but you need to think of him differently.

You want him to be your husband/life partner.
He wants to continue being a friend with benefits.

Don't try to move him in, keep him at arms length. Don't conceive. Don't put yourself at risk of disease because 'time out' might well mean 'time to shag someone else if I get the chance'.

Protect your dd. Don't introduce her to the men you are with. Keep her home sacrosanct.

2021hastobebetter · 10/01/2021 11:32

@Lemonpiano

He doesn't want to live with you. Why have you continued to push and push for it when he's made it so clear it's not what he wants?

Exactly this. Don't do it. You are needy -you said so "I need support" be able to do it alone. For god sake don't agree to this- he will bugger off anytime he is asked to clear anything away or do anything he doesn't want he will be off as it is his terms. No no and no.

thecatsthecats · 10/01/2021 11:34

I think you are incompatible because you want him to essentially to become full family with your DD and he doesn't want that.

Massive to all the shagging comments. I like my space now and then, and I'm not shagging around (why would I go away by myself then ruin it by adding another person? ).

You're not some dreamy eyed teenager moving in to romp with your boyfriend. You're an adult woman with a child discussing blending your family. It's not supposed to be exciting, it's supposed to be a level headed and practical assessment of whether this will work and what will make it work. I agree with PP that lobbying him to move in from quite early on was a bad move in your part.

If you are serious about HIM, not any old live in lover, you'll want to hear out his reasons for wanting alone time. But you are perfectly entitled to choose what you want.

(And you can work past present disagreements - my mum turned down my dad's first proposal because it was far too soon and she had my older siblings to think about. He accepted her refusal, stayed with her, and proposed again later - they're still together 35 years later.)

littlepattilou · 10/01/2021 11:34

@partyatthepalace

If he doesn't want to live with you, he's not the one.

Don't keep trying to push this one to the next level - it's not happening and you deserve to have someone who loves you as much as you him.

If the relationship is working in our lockdown world, I'd keep it going as is, but when things lift in Spring I'd start thinking about how to move on. Or just move on now if that's what you prefer.

This. ^ The OP needs love and support and wants to now the man she has given 2 years of her life to, loves her as much, and wants to be there for her, and wants to share her home.

As for 'it's possible to love someone and not want to live with them.' I'm not sure I agree with that, but even if it's true, it's no good if the other person in the relationship wants to live together.

Wouldn't surprise me if the OP dumped this man, and six months later, he is living with another woman.

Like these men who don't want to get married 'because they don't DO marriage' The woman splits with them after 10 years of him saying this, and a year later, he marries someone else.

So it's not that he didn't want to get married, he just didn't want to marry HER.

The same applies with the situation the OP has. (IMO.)

And I agree with the majority of the posters on here, that he just wants to have his cake and eat it.

'He isn't ready yet' is such bullshit. As I said, he will NEVER be ready. Not to live with the OP at least. If he wanted to, he would. He doesn't want to. Simple as that.

DianaT1969 · 10/01/2021 11:38

No talk of marriage? I hear you talking about living together and having children with him.

Original poster

hannahrose123 · 10/01/2021 11:38

He has said he wants to 'take time out', because he feels as though he might get to points (whilst living together) where he isn't giving us his best and wants a few days as and when to refresh himself.

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 10/01/2021 11:38

@hannahrose123

DP and I have been together for 2 years. I have a DD from a previous relationship. There has been quite a contentious point in our relationship for some time; that is living with one another. When the pandemic first started, I needed some support and asked him to come and stay with us - he declined, which was okay... we've now formed a support bubble, as he lives alone and so do I (plus DD).

Then as time as gone on (and another year) we have had many discussions about us moving in together... I am genuinely excited to live with him, I see him as the one I want to settle down with, have more children with etc. He never seems enthusiastic or excited about the prospect.

We've now reached a point in our discussions where he has said he will move in, 'but he wants to be able to take time out when he needs it'. He owns his own flat about an hour from my place, and from my understanding, he wants to travel back and forth as and when he feels like he 'needs the space'. He said this might be that he 'lives' with me for 2 weeks, then goes to his flat for a few nights, then comes back for a week, then goes back to his flat for 2 days... then he said that hopefully as time goes on and he gets more comfortable living here, he won't feel the need to go back as much.

His proposal has made me feel really shit. I am crazy about him, I would love to wake up next to him everyday, all of those exciting things. I don't feel great about the idea at all, it has made me feel very rejected.

Moving in together is not meant to be like this, is it?

He's telling you something.

Listen.

Candyfloss99 · 10/01/2021 11:39

He's probably feeling trapped. Maybe he'll move in and realise he actually doesn't need any time out and it's fine. Maybe not. Risky.

Orlania · 10/01/2021 11:39

It sounds sensible to me. I am wondering if he's an introvert who struggles to be around people full time and needs time to recharge? He's clearly not sure whether he will manage to be with someone else full time so he's doing it this way to see if he can make it work. My dp is similar and we moved in together under a similar arrangement. Sometimes people do need time on their own to recharge their batteries, it's not a rejection of you, but an acknowledgement of what he needs in order to be with you. Fwiw myself and dp did that for around 3 years. He's now moved in full time although still has his flat. Maybe give it a try and see where you're at in a year or so. You may find you like the space yourself. I certainly did. And your relationship and living arrangements do not need to look like everyone else's either. Do whatever makes it work for both of you.

ApolloandDaphne · 10/01/2021 11:39

One of my friends has a set up a bit like this. Her partner of at least 15 years has his own flat and stays there from time to time. It suits them both very well, however they never planned to have children together (she has 2, both adults now, and he has none). It was also fine when the children were smaller. No confusion whatsoever.

NursieBernard · 10/01/2021 11:39

He's clearly telling you he's not ready. Either accept that this is the relationship that you will have or move on and find someone who wants the same things as you.

Bagamoyo1 · 10/01/2021 11:40

He’s not doing anything wrong. This is just typical mumsnet anti man stuff.

Imagine if it was the other way round. My boyfriend has a 7 year old and he gets lonely and overwhelmed when he’s on his own. I live alone, and whilst I love my boyfriend I really value my time on my own. I like my boyfriend’s daughter , she’s a great kid and I like chatting to her, but I’m really not ready to be a full time parent yet. My boyfriend has been on at me to move in, but I’m just not ready. I’d love to do it gradually, spend more time there, but still be able to come home as well sometimes. But my boyfriend says if I don’t move in then he won’t let me see his daughter or visit for “family time”. We’ll have to go back to just dating, which seems like a backward step to me. AIBU to want to take this slowly, working towards moving in gradually, without so much pressure?

If you posted that, everyone would agree with you, and they’d tell you that the boyfriend was trying to recruit free childcare!

LemonTT · 10/01/2021 11:40

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

Moving in together is not meant to be like this, is it?

No it isn't. But moving in together should only happen when both people are ready to fully commit to one another. It's blindingly obvious from what you write about him that he isn't.

This is the relationship he wants, and you want more. This isn't the person for you.

This ^

Some people never want to be part the blended family relationship or any family relationship. It just doesn’t suit them. Fair play if they realise this and don’t become an absent parent who escapes via work or hobbies.
Some people want it but with the right person at the right time.

It’s pretty clear one, if not both of these apply to him.

Kokosrieksts · 10/01/2021 11:41

I would not be fine with this. Not much more to say. Definitely not a father material for your kids.

30mph · 10/01/2021 11:41

He isn't the one for you. There's no commitment. At least he is being honest about keeping his exit route wide open. Don't get pregnant, and think about yourself and child more 'selfishly'.

Take him out of the picture altogether, and reflect about how you want to live your life and things you want to do in the future.

Petitmum · 10/01/2021 11:42

You either need to accept that he is not ready to move in and wait (possibly forever?) or call it a day..............you are not on the same page as far as this relationship goes and moving in like this is never going to work.

TheProvincialLady · 10/01/2021 11:45

To move in a reluctant man is your choice as an adult, but to do that to your child is just unacceptable. Open your eyes.

Blubellsarebells · 10/01/2021 11:46

Have you talked about the financial details of moving in together?
Im wondering if it will be the case that he's not really living with you and still has his place to pay for so he cant possibly pay his way at your house?
What have you agreed about bills/food costs?
You need to protect yourself and your dd.
Make sure you dont end up financially worse off for this half arsed relationship.
Ideally dont move in with him.

hopeishere · 10/01/2021 11:46

Has he ever lived with another person? He might just find a house with a child overwhelming in terms of meds / noise / attention etc.

I frequently daydream about booking myself into a hotel to get away from it all.

BorderlineHappy · 10/01/2021 11:46

I have suggested that if he's not ready to commit properly, we go back to dating. He comes over when DD is in bed, we go for walks and a coffee together when we can... when we're able to go out again we go for dates and he can come over on weekends when DD is away. We can go on holidays and weekends away without involving DD. I don't want DD having this half-in, half-out man in her life. But he's not happy with that compromise because he says 'it won't be how it will be when we move in together and become a full time thing if DD isn't involved.'

So @hannahrose123 what did he say when you suggested that.

I think its smart for him to keep his flat if he moves in with you. But he should rent it out. That way if it doesnt work out,he has somewhere to go to.

MrsBrunch · 10/01/2021 11:47

@hannahrose123

He has said he wants to 'take time out', because he feels as though he might get to points (whilst living together) where he isn't giving us his best and wants a few days as and when to refresh himself.

Wouldn't we all like that! And it's fine if you both agree to it.

However, you clearly want the full 100% commitment and he doesn't so the compromise that he has suggested really isn't going to work for you.

Personally I would tell him I wanted a break, to give myself some space and decide if his offer was acceptable or not. And then I would dump him.

surelynotnever · 10/01/2021 11:47

I am genuinely excited to live with him, I see him as the one I want to settle down with, have more children with etc. He never seems enthusiastic or excited about the prospect

This tells you everything you need to know. You want different things from a relationship.

And to be honest, someone who needs to run away, effectively, every time you have a row or disagreement is not someone you can have a functional relationship with. Good relationships are ones where you can constructively resolve disagreement, not run away from it.

He just doesn't want what you want.

Original poster

hannahrose123 · 10/01/2021 11:48

We haven't discussed how the financials would work in this arrangement. He has more than enough money to be able to contribute to the bills here whilst still paying for his place. I wouldn't ask him for a lot, as in my mind some of the bills I'd be paying without him living here (council tax, rent) etc. I would only want contribution towards the things that will cost extra (utilities, food).

OP posts:

Snowpaw · 10/01/2021 11:49

If you have such different ideas of how you want the future to look I think you need to consider that this might be the end of the line. I think a set up like this could work in later life, with grown up children, but not when you need stability and predictability for a young child.