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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Reasons to have children please

215 replies

Lookingforguidance · 09/01/2021 18:32

Myself and DH both love children and have always wanted them but in the last few months he has been researching a lot about the global impact having them had on the environment and also the fact that there are millions of children in the world who don’t have families. He has now decided that having our own biological ones is unethical when we could adopt. I would love to have one and adopt one.
We’re both looking for reasons to justify having our own (not just for emotional/selfish reasons like to see your own genes passed down/ to experience pregnancy and childbirth/ because it makes you happy etc). I’m really searching for concrete evidence that will convince him we should have just one. Please help. Thank you

OP posts:
StillCoughingandLaughing · 09/01/2021 18:43

If you have to ask for ‘concrete evidence’ on MN, you probably shouldn’t be having one.

nicknamehelp · 09/01/2021 18:45

Breastfeeding can help protect against breast cancer.

Meowchickameowmeow · 09/01/2021 18:46

No one can make the decision to have a child for you or present you with concrete evidence that you should.
Are you sure he really wants kids?

ekidmxcl · 09/01/2021 18:47

Because if he prevents you from having a child that you want, you’ll not be able to live with him happily long term as he’s robbed you of your dreams.

Indecisive12 · 09/01/2021 18:49

To look after you when you’re old.

CaramelCandle · 09/01/2021 18:50

Well if everyone decided not to have children, we'd have another problem.

Meowchickameowmeow · 09/01/2021 18:50

@Indecisive12

To look after you when you’re old.
Terrible and presumptuous reason.
Indecisive12 · 09/01/2021 18:51

@Meowchickameowmeow also a joke.

AldiIsla · 09/01/2021 18:51

"He has now decided that having our own biological ones is unethical when we could adopt. I would love to have one and adopt one."

This makes me think you know very little of adoption and the needs of adopted children. It's not like buying a puppy vs rescue dog.

People aren't environmentally friendly. Making more people more so. There's nothing we can show you that will change that.

TankGirl97 · 09/01/2021 18:52

There's no such thing as concrete evidence. You just have to believe him when he says he doesn't want to, and then it's up to you to decide whether your desire for a child is stronger than your desire to be with him.

Aahotep · 09/01/2021 18:55

Adoption is often a very difficult road. Many of the children in need of a home have problems because they have been neglected or abused or both. It can be extremely challenging.

pitterpatterrain · 09/01/2021 18:56

Sounds like he doesn’t really want DC tbh

Adoption is not an easy route to show off your shiny eco credentials Hmm

Either have DC or don’t, I would never try and convince someone to proceed as it is a life changing decision which is optional

Hawkins001 · 09/01/2021 18:59

Mainly I'd say to create a unique project that hopefully will carry the family name and you can pass on your legacy, and to train and guide a person who hopefully will go on to achieve success with there endeavours.

RandomUsernameHere · 09/01/2021 18:59

I'm no expert on adoption but I understand it to be an extremely long and difficult process. A lot of the babies and children placed for adoption have very complex needs (although obviously there is a chance this could also be the case if you had biological children). It's not just as simple as it sounds like he's making it out to be.

JillofTrades · 09/01/2021 19:01

Sounds like he is making excuses tbh.

malificent7 · 09/01/2021 19:01

It's our genetic perogative to procreate.

Original poster
Lookingforguidance · 09/01/2021 19:03

I should probably add he is a teacher, adores children, has nephews who he loves and is constantly saying he wants DC.
We have started looking into adoption and realise it would not be an easy route. The thing that breaks his heart (and mine) is that he desperately wants kids but all the research (that I’m aware of) says it’s selfish or irresponsible to bring them into the world 😢

OP posts:
multivac · 09/01/2021 19:06

There is literally only one reason to reproduce, and it is a biological and evolutionary imperative: to perpetuate your DNA. That's it.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 09/01/2021 19:07

  1. we require population replacement to survive as a species.

  2. it really depends how you raise your children as to how selfish/irresponsible it is to have them

  3. I'm really not sure what "research" you are reading that is telling you its selfish/irresponsible to have a single child.

arethereanyleftatall · 09/01/2021 19:07

A very bizarre sentiment to post on 'mumsnet' where everyone on here has made this selfish and irresponsible choice.

ivfbeenbusy · 09/01/2021 19:08

There are millions of children without homes WORLDWIDE yes but it's incredibly difficult to adopt in the U.K. and most babies removed and placed in care are likely to have significant long needs

I find the whole "environmental impact" argument such a loads of old tripe. Perhaps you and your husband should "research" negative population growth and impact on economies - new generations are required to work and pay tax to support older generations - think of it like a giant Ponzi scheme if you will 🤷‍♀️

Meowchickameowmeow · 09/01/2021 19:10

@arethereanyleftatall

A very bizarre sentiment to post on 'mumsnet' where everyone on here has made this selfish and irresponsible choice.
There are loads of childfree women here, be it by choice or circumstance.
Thefirsttime · 09/01/2021 19:10

@arethereanyleftatall

A very bizarre sentiment to post on 'mumsnet' where everyone on here has made this selfish and irresponsible choice.
No they haven’t. There are plenty of people on here who aren’t parents.
ToddlerLockdown · 09/01/2021 19:11

One possible reason:

Yes there is over population in the world as a whole. But in the uk and other western countries people are having less children. We have a big problem coming, we have an ageing country and are currently anti migration (brexit etc) . So we do need more young people in order to pay for our ageing population.

But I think Having kids is something that never makes logical sense. You just follow your instincts to have one.

Sausagessizzling · 09/01/2021 19:11

I think there's too much emotion and human instinct in this to convince someone with 'concrete evidence'.
I know I felt a innate, strong impulse to mother a child biologically. I think if I hadn't been able to I would have come to terms with it but I dont think I'd have felt easy if I never tried.
You both need to listen to your hearts as well as your heads. If you feel the same powerful instinct to have a biological child I think he owes it to you to try. If you don't and both want to go down the adoption route, that is a wonderful gift you will be giving.