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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Reasons to have children please

215 replies

Lookingforguidance · 09/01/2021 18:32

Myself and DH both love children and have always wanted them but in the last few months he has been researching a lot about the global impact having them had on the environment and also the fact that there are millions of children in the world who don’t have families. He has now decided that having our own biological ones is unethical when we could adopt. I would love to have one and adopt one.
We’re both looking for reasons to justify having our own (not just for emotional/selfish reasons like to see your own genes passed down/ to experience pregnancy and childbirth/ because it makes you happy etc). I’m really searching for concrete evidence that will convince him we should have just one. Please help. Thank you

OP posts:
MarthaWashingtonsFeralTomcat · 09/01/2021 22:54

For me, having kids, it was like waking up, maybe with a hangover, and really wanting a McDonald's breakfast. But you know it's logically a bad choice (you can't afford it, it's bad for you and it's a faff to go and collect) but an apple just won't cut it. You have the apple and then a bag of crisps, and then you try a bowl of cornflakes but MCDONALD'S BREAKFAST is calling you. So you scrabble about for your birthday money, decide healthy eatinf starts tomorrow and jump in the car although it's a right faff and you really get sick of defrosting it EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY and it's worth it because the McDonald's breakfast is the breakfast of champions.

Catty1720 · 09/01/2021 22:58

Hilarious comments on here. Watching Disney all day, visit legoland and playing my little pony 🤣🤣🤣

mumof2exhausted · 09/01/2021 23:03

I am lucky that I’ve had 3 babies myself - I have many friends with fertility issues so I don’t take this for granted. I love them so fiercely more than I’ve ever loved anything or anyone. They feel like part of me. And as they get older I see likeness in them physically and in their mannerisms etc. They drive me potty sometimes but also bring me absolute joy.

Goibisgo · 09/01/2021 23:05

Your children might grow up to reduce half the world's population with an eco bomb.

Robbybobtail · 09/01/2021 23:05

I know lots of childless people will disagree but I have 3 siblings, two of us have dc’s and two don’t. The two who don’t (now mid-50’s) both suffer from terrible depression. Myself and my sibling with dc’s don’t and we are generally positive and pragmatic people. I do think it runs in our family and I definitely have “down” periods but I never let it consume me. I think having dc’s gives you a something to strive for, live for. I can’t wallow when I need to put on my happy face for my children and look after them.
I can’t imagine a life without them and I wonder if my other siblings had had a family, would they be so miserable now? I feel like part of them must think that when they die there is going to be no one to really grieve for them, nothing left behind and no legacy. They can stay in bed all day if they like because no one is counting on them. I realise people with dc’s suffer from depression too but this is my own experience in my family.

Shinyletsbebadguys · 09/01/2021 23:06

The reality is that if you put the pros and cons down on paper you will always find a reason not to have them. If that's how you think then no don't have them.

You want reasons that are not selfish. Understanding the relationship with children that a parent , either biological or adopted is not something that can be quantified in the way you are reasoning. However the best way I can explain it is it turns you into someone who would instantly put another in front of their own wellbeing. In most cases this leads to something similar to what economists refer to as asset community ownership. You start putting something further into the world. As little sometimes as stopping another child running into a road instinctively. Sometimes larger.

Secondly , you are viewing that child as an automatic extension of your they aren't. I don't know what my two DC will bring to the world. I believe I am bringing them up to bring something positive. They will go their own way and do what they choose. You cannot quantify what people in the future bring to the world. It could be big things like curing cancer. They could be the next great thunberg. Or they could simply one day complete an action that helps another. A child always has the propensity to bring good to the world. You don't know what this is , you may never see it. However the truth about parenting is you put years and effort in and you may not see the impact your DC have on the world.

Honestly though if this is the way you make the decision you are simply not ready. Nieces and nephews and even teaching are not in any way practice for parenting. Teaching is laudable and hard but it's not the same as becoming instantly responsible for everything about a baby. Their health , their wellbeing , their development , their social interaction, teaching them morality and resilience and doing it 24 hours a day for 20 odd years. Would he give his life , his everything for every child ? Well no of course not. Nor should he. That however is the commitment of parenthood. Once you are in , you are in. No get outs. No changing your mind.

Look if he has made this decision o what sounds like cerebral reasons he is not ready for the emotional roller coaster and sheer grit and determination it takes to be a parent.it is unutterably worth it. A single smile as a baby and you would fight the world to protect them in a heartbeat.

It is also relentless , exhausting , frustrating and thankless. Logic doesn't work here because the reasons are far more esoteric than most of us can communicate. Me included.

Saz12 · 09/01/2021 23:53

Unless you both desperately want a child (not just “like children and good with your nieces”) then don’t have one.

CounsellorTroi · 09/01/2021 23:56

I know lots of childless people will disagree but I have 3 siblings, two of us have dc’s and two don’t. The two who don’t (now mid-50’s) both suffer from terrible depression. Myself and my sibling with dc’s don’t and we are generally positive and pragmatic people. I do think it runs in our family and I definitely have “down” periods but I never let it consume me. I think having dc’s gives you a something to strive for, live for. I can’t wallow when I need to put on my happy face for my children and look after them.

Too right some childless people will disagree. I couldn't have children. I will be 60 next year but I feel pretty positive about life. Some of my friends didn't make it this far. I feel I have plenty to strive for and I really don't wallow.

Wearywithteens · 10/01/2021 00:28

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Redwinestillfine · 10/01/2021 00:31

For me it was a biological need. It overtook everything else. If you are having to ask maybe don't....

OfTheNight · 10/01/2021 00:33

Do you get lonely when you go for a poo? Cos a kid will sort that right out.

Mummywantsaweewee · 10/01/2021 07:30

@OfTheNight 😂😂

Panticus · 10/01/2021 08:31

@Robbybobtail

I know lots of childless people will disagree but I have 3 siblings, two of us have dc’s and two don’t. The two who don’t (now mid-50’s) both suffer from terrible depression. Myself and my sibling with dc’s don’t and we are generally positive and pragmatic people. I do think it runs in our family and I definitely have “down” periods but I never let it consume me. I think having dc’s gives you a something to strive for, live for. I can’t wallow when I need to put on my happy face for my children and look after them. I can’t imagine a life without them and I wonder if my other siblings had had a family, would they be so miserable now? I feel like part of them must think that when they die there is going to be no one to really grieve for them, nothing left behind and no legacy. They can stay in bed all day if they like because no one is counting on them. I realise people with dc’s suffer from depression too but this is my own experience in my family.
What a horrible thing to say Confused
elQuintoConyo · 10/01/2021 08:31

They're also really useful.when you want to get rid of unwanted guests.

BadLad · 10/01/2021 08:34

@ivfbeenbusy

There are millions of children without homes WORLDWIDE yes but it's incredibly difficult to adopt in the U.K. and most babies removed and placed in care are likely to have significant long needs

I find the whole "environmental impact" argument such a loads of old tripe. Perhaps you and your husband should "research" negative population growth and impact on economies - new generations are required to work and pay tax to support older generations - think of it like a giant Ponzi scheme if you will 🤷‍♀️

How does the impact on the economy of negative population growth make the environmental concerns wrong? It's hardly a contradiction that something can be economically good but environmentally bad.
bluetongue · 10/01/2021 08:35

@Robbybobtail

I know lots of childless people will disagree but I have 3 siblings, two of us have dc’s and two don’t. The two who don’t (now mid-50’s) both suffer from terrible depression. Myself and my sibling with dc’s don’t and we are generally positive and pragmatic people. I do think it runs in our family and I definitely have “down” periods but I never let it consume me. I think having dc’s gives you a something to strive for, live for. I can’t wallow when I need to put on my happy face for my children and look after them. I can’t imagine a life without them and I wonder if my other siblings had had a family, would they be so miserable now? I feel like part of them must think that when they die there is going to be no one to really grieve for them, nothing left behind and no legacy. They can stay in bed all day if they like because no one is counting on them. I realise people with dc’s suffer from depression too but this is my own experience in my family.
This is a bit of a chicken and egg situation. I have mental health issues and suspect I’m on the spectrum. One of the main reasons I decided to be child free is the impact this would have on my parenting and worries about passing my issues on. My mother has similar problems to me and while I love her dearly it really negatively effect her parenting at times.

Sometimes not having children does get me down but I think I’ve the best decision.

autumneve · 10/01/2021 08:40

You said having a child is selfish? Hmm

MilkMoon · 10/01/2021 08:43

@CounsellorTroi

To me, and obviously I don't speak for everyone, it's a bit of a kick in the teeth to the thousands of years of people who've created us, to not perpetuate the bloodline.

I couldn't have children. If that means I have kicked my ancestors in the teeth then I am truly sorry and hope they will forgive me.

Yes, I thought that was a completely mad statement. Our ancestors for the vast majority of human history largely had no choice to not have children in most cases, apart from anything else. It suggests a bizarre and self-aggrandising view of humanity to seem to see yourself as the key outcome of ancestral reproductive decisions passing on the sacred baton of life.
NeilBuchananisBanksy · 10/01/2021 08:49

@Robbybobtail

I know lots of childless people will disagree but I have 3 siblings, two of us have dc’s and two don’t. The two who don’t (now mid-50’s) both suffer from terrible depression. Myself and my sibling with dc’s don’t and we are generally positive and pragmatic people. I do think it runs in our family and I definitely have “down” periods but I never let it consume me. I think having dc’s gives you a something to strive for, live for. I can’t wallow when I need to put on my happy face for my children and look after them. I can’t imagine a life without them and I wonder if my other siblings had had a family, would they be so miserable now? I feel like part of them must think that when they die there is going to be no one to really grieve for them, nothing left behind and no legacy. They can stay in bed all day if they like because no one is counting on them. I realise people with dc’s suffer from depression too but this is my own experience in my family.
Studies have found that in general those who are childfree by choice are happier than those with children.

I was also born into a family that struggled with depression issues and it's marred my childhood.

SerenadeOfTheSchoolRun · 10/01/2021 08:55

The best reason to have a child is because you want to. It gives the child the best chance of a good start with unconditional love.

If you adopt because it is better for the environment you should be very sure that you will not be resentful about not having your own.

hardboiledeggs · 10/01/2021 09:02

Yeah these don’t seem like the right reasons to adopt. Adopting is a lot of work, hard work. Raising a child or children who can have all sorts of behavioural issues and needs. To want to adopt your reasoning should mainly be to better a child’s live not solely to reduce the number of children in the world. I know people who have adopted and even though their kids are fantastic they are harder to cope with (not always the case obviously).

Weirdwonders · 10/01/2021 09:08

There we go, have kids to have someone to REALLY GRIEVE for you when you’re gone.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 10/01/2021 09:13

@SerenadeOfTheSchoolRun

The best reason to have a child is because you want to. It gives the child the best chance of a good start with unconditional love.

If you adopt because it is better for the environment you should be very sure that you will not be resentful about not having your own.

My parents adopted me. They would be offended by you saying I'm not their 'own' and they certainly aren't resentful because I don't share their DNA. You might not feel the same as they do but don't state it as fact implying everyone would feel their adopted child isn't their 'own' and adoptive parents all feel resentful. It's a hurtful and ridiculous thing to state as fact.
LemonDrizzles · 10/01/2021 09:14

You could always do both. Have a biological child and about adopt/ foster/refugee.

MessAllOver · 10/01/2021 09:17

I had a child because I wanted a pet or "mini-me" that didn't shed and I could dress up in cute clothes. Let's just say children are badly misadvertised....

That's why I'm selling DS on Gumtree (3yo, more than averagely active, likes Paw Patrol, knocking things over and jumping on unsuspecting adults from behind, price negotiable if anyone interested?).

I've learnt my lesson. I'm going to replace him with a pet rock.