Reasons to have children please

[Lookingforguidance]

Myself and DH both love children and have always wanted them but in the last few months he has been researching a lot about the global impact having them had on the environment and also the fact that there are millions of children in the world who don’t have families. He has now decided that having our own biological ones is unethical when we could adopt. I would love to have one and adopt one.
We’re both looking for reasons to justify having our own (not just for emotional/selfish reasons like to see your own genes passed down/ to experience pregnancy and childbirth/ because it makes you happy etc). I’m really searching for concrete evidence that will convince him we should have just one. Please help. Thank you

Sleep is vastly overrated and it's fun to be chronically sleep deprived.

It's annoying being able to go on holiday in term time and pay 50% less.

It would end the inconvenience of being able to go out when you want without arranging childcare.

Your career is likely to suffer which would reduce that irritating disposable income.

@ZoeTurtle is bang on the money

I think it’s unusual that your partner has taken to Google in the first place!

Lots of things are bad for you smoking, fatty foods, drinking and so on.

You can’t be responsible for the whole world OP. Does he really want children?

As others have said, there aren't any "concrete reasons" to have children that aren't selfish, emotional or both.

I mean, what would that even be?? I suppose you might believe you have a religious duty, or possibly you are living in Game of Thrones and need a heir to secure your dynasty. But aside from that, there's no way to spin it ("maybe our child will bring about world peace!") that is made of steely, unimpeachable logic.

You should have kids if you a) have a deep, ongoing desire to do so, and b) have enough in the way of resources and stability that you believe you would do an acceptable job. But don't try to make out you're doing anything rational or selfless :)

You have children if you feel your heart would break if you didn’t have them.

If you want to have children, they are fulfilling. If you’re a bit meh about it, don’t bother. The actual bringing up of children IME is bloody hard and boring.

I don’t regret it, but I don’t recognise the whole ‘isn’t this a fabulous lifestyle’ vibe that parent influencers push. And also with adoption, it’s very hard. I know of at least one where it failed as the parent didn’t bond

The thing that breaks his heart (and mine) is that he desperately wants kids but all the research (that I’m aware of) says it’s selfish or irresponsible to bring them into the world 😢

You both sound very young. Wait until you’ve matured a bit.

There is no "real " reason to have children.
There is no deep existentialist reason even to be alive on this planet.
We are moderately evolved simians clinging to rock hurtling through space.
Being alive could be considered unethical- eating the planet and dumping out shit.
Navel gazing rarely gives us real answers to anything.

How old are you?
If you're 30+ don't waste any more time with him and find someone who wants a baby with you. As other said he could go and have kids with someone anytime you can't.

As for reasons...
Need more tax payers for when our generation wants a pension

Ermm gives you a reason to watc Disney films all day???

But there’s the joy of them.

At the end of the day, we are a product of every single one of our ancestors having children, since time began. If any one of those had decided not to have children, we wouldn't be here.

To me, and obviously I don't speak for everyone, it's a bit of a kick in the teeth to the thousands of years of people who've created us, to not perpetuate the bloodline.

Simplistic, but we're on earth to pro create and pass on our DNA.

I really wanted to be pregnant and to have a baby. It was a deep seated need, nothing logical at all about it.

I think your partner is being a bit too idealistic and rigid in his ideas about ethics OP. Realistically, having a child or not having a child for you as a couple will have almost zero impact on the bigger picture. There will still be millions of children in poverty, millions starving in war torn countries, the world will still have all the same problems. Except you will also be unhappy in it.

Bringing a child up with the right values, kindness and compassion would have a far greater positive impact on the world than any negative environmental one. If he doesn't want a child, that is his choice. It doesn't have to be your choice as well.

You decide to have children because you can't see another way. Either you are pregnant and can't conscience termination in yourself at that time, or you think that you and your partner would make amazing children, or a child comes into your life (kinship care etc) and you want your life to continue with them in it. Or you don't have a relationship but do have a string urge for children, so you get a support network and a turkey baster and get in with it.
I can't imagine weighing it up.
If I offered to give you a million quid would you be weighing up whether to take it or how to spend it? I felt like that about motherhood. Not if, just when and how many. (I was clear about who with but that can also be a question worth putting thought into).

I really struggle with the ethical angle on children tbh. Doesn't it logically infer we are all being selfish in choosing to continue to exist and consume resources. Isn't the end game that the only truly ethical way to live is not to live atall?

If you want children, and are lucky enough to have them, raise them with a social conscience. Maybe they will do some good for the world. If you don't, don't seek to justify the choice with 'I was too concerned about the environment'. It's just a way of telling everyone else who chose to have them they are somehow worse than you.

So that you can go through pregnancy/birth/breast feeding.

A point to bear in mind is that DD was wanted and planned but after the experience of 2020 I wish I hadn’t had her. I’m failing her every day, she’s 10 and needs to see people who aren’t her parents but she probably won’t see another child till April. I wish I were dead, the guilt and grief are unbearable. I have no confidence in my ability to get her to functional adulthood.

If I were childless, the past year would have been dreary and lonely, but perfectly manageable.

After a terrible day with my almost 7 year old ds I can literally not think of one reason

@NefretForth

A point to bear in mind is that DD was wanted and planned but after the experience of 2020 I wish I hadn’t had her. I’m failing her every day, she’s 10 and needs to see people who aren’t her parents but she probably won’t see another child till April. I wish I were dead, the guilt and grief are unbearable. I have no confidence in my ability to get her to functional adulthood.

If I were childless, the past year would have been dreary and lonely, but perfectly manageable.

Sorry to hear you are going though this. Please speak to a doctor or a professional. It's been a dreadful year, lots of people are struggling and we all feel like we are failing our children so do t be too hard on yourself xxx

Children are hard work. Hard, hard, hard. Lovely, of course, but hard. Beyond what you could imagine. I think if you're not starting from a place of 100% desire and love for a child; honestly, don't do it.

For the first time history we can really choose if we want to have children. Most women did not have this choice, they fell pregnant and prayed to survive child birth.

They did not have the luxury of choice. If they did many of us would not be here. Who knows what each child born will do or be?

I know you mean it kindly, @emeraldcity2000, but I don’t think mental health support for me is what’s needed. I’m not about to kill myself, the damage to DD from that would be incalculable. I’m plodding on, cooking meals and doing my job and supporting DD. But if I could tell 2010 me what the future held, I would have made the rational decision not to have her.

What about having a child because that child, that unique combination of your genes, that incredible person, would otherwise not exist? I thought about adopting because we thought I was infertile (long story; I wasn’t) and investigated it in detail. It is hard. Not something to do for eco points. But now we have children I sometimes wonder what the world would be like without those unique people. I don’t know if they’ve got the capacity to do great things, but they might have. But then

I find it’s a heart over head matter but that’s just me!

Does that mean if we turned into a country where the government started offering incentives to have children because more people are dying than being born (see South Korea), you would start popping them out to do your bit?!

I jest but you could read all the concerns about ageing populations and low birth rates if that helps support your argument for having biological kids.

All sounds a bit odd though.

If you want kids, and can support them, then have them. I can’t stand all this pointless ridiculous overthinking.

Adoption and having you’re own sounds like a good compromise.

@emeraldcity2000

I really struggle with the ethical angle on children tbh. Doesn't it logically infer we are all being selfish in choosing to continue to exist and consume resources. Isn't the end game that the only truly ethical way to live is not to live atall?

If you want children, and are lucky enough to have them, raise them with a social conscience. Maybe they will do some good for the world. If you don't, don't seek to justify the choice with 'I was too concerned about the environment'. It's just a way of telling everyone else who chose to have them they are somehow worse than you.

Omg this is such a good point, I hadn't thought of it like this. You hear so much of 'having children is selfish' but you never hear 'living once you've retired is selfish' Because with a child there is a chance they might be the child that saves the world. But once you're retired? This is actually a horrible thought, and I'm not suggesting for one second this should happen!! Just musing.