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AIBU?

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Original poster

Reasons to have children please

215 replies

Lookingforguidance · 09/01/2021 18:32

Myself and DH both love children and have always wanted them but in the last few months he has been researching a lot about the global impact having them had on the environment and also the fact that there are millions of children in the world who don’t have families. He has now decided that having our own biological ones is unethical when we could adopt. I would love to have one and adopt one.
We’re both looking for reasons to justify having our own (not just for emotional/selfish reasons like to see your own genes passed down/ to experience pregnancy and childbirth/ because it makes you happy etc). I’m really searching for concrete evidence that will convince him we should have just one. Please help. Thank you

OP posts:
shelbyrae · 09/01/2021 21:20

To have a family and not be alone especially when older, to be able to instil your values into the next generation, to impart the lessons you've learned, to give your life meaning, to give them what you were not given.

Weekends · 09/01/2021 21:22

Ooh yes...real!
I get asked where my daughter's real mum is all the time - looking right at you actually! I am a very real (annoying) mum and she's a very real daughter. Have even had it from school.
Thank you for correcting people for the last 30 years...My daughter may have to say it less because of folk like you.

81Byerley · 09/01/2021 21:22

Because your child may be the one to change the world?

Weekends · 09/01/2021 21:22

That was for @youvegottenminuteslynn - sorry!

MessAllOver · 09/01/2021 21:22

@Weekends. Sorry, that was poor terminology on my part. My friends would of course say their adopted child is absolutely their "own". I meant "biological" but couldn't immediately think of the word (a bit tired tonight...).

Weekends · 09/01/2021 21:23

@MessAllOver
Thank you Smile

youvegottenminuteslynn · 09/01/2021 21:26

@Weekends

Ooh yes...real! I get asked where my daughter's real mum is all the time - looking right at you actually! I am a very real (annoying) mum and she's a very real daughter. Have even had it from school. Thank you for correcting people for the last 30 years...My daughter may have to say it less because of folk like you.
A gem from my mum should your little one ever need it, was to say to anyone who made any jibes about us being unwanted to say "our parents LITERALLY chose us" with a face to show how ridiculous they were being Grin
youvegottenminuteslynn · 09/01/2021 21:26

[quote MessAllOver]@Weekends. Sorry, that was poor terminology on my part. My friends would of course say their adopted child is absolutely their "own". I meant "biological" but couldn't immediately think of the word (a bit tired tonight...).[/quote]
Thanks

IndecisiveMama · 09/01/2021 21:26

www.bbc.com/news/health-53409521
Who pays tax or looks after the elderly in a world where the aged outnumber the young? Can anyone ever retire?

RedMarauder · 09/01/2021 21:34

@shelbyrae

To have a family and not be alone especially when older, to be able to instil your values into the next generation, to impart the lessons you've learned, to give your life meaning, to give them what you were not given.
I've met people who had those values instilled into them by their long-term foster parents, parents who officially adopted them, step-parent who brought them up and other relation/adult who brought them up.

I also know people who are LC and NC with one or both of their biological parents who brought them up.

Catty1720 · 09/01/2021 21:42

@Lookingforguidance

I should probably add he is a teacher, adores children, has nephews who he loves and is constantly saying he wants DC. We have started looking into adoption and realise it would not be an easy route. The thing that breaks his heart (and mine) is that he desperately wants kids but all the research (that I’m aware of) says it’s selfish or irresponsible to bring them into the world 😢
You don’t research whether or not to have a baby!!! You do it because you want to. If he loves children that much nothing would put him off. Raise your child to be aware of the environment and the responsibility we have to try and fix the damage done. Stop making excuses!!
partyatthepalace · 09/01/2021 21:57

I think you are overthinking this a bit. Most people have a huge biological drive to reproduce, tis part of the human condition.

So have a biological child if you want one. It's a lot less impact than two, plus in the UK we have a falling birth rate which will cause a lotta trouble down the track.

CounsellorTroi · 09/01/2021 22:02

@nicknamehelp

Breastfeeding can help protect against breast cancer.
do you really think that's a good reason to have them?
Mrsmummy90 · 09/01/2021 22:06

This may be a coincidence but every person I've known that has been adopted (I've known and still know a fair few) have significant issues.
Like I said, probably a coincidence but who knows

CounsellorTroi · 09/01/2021 22:08

To me, and obviously I don't speak for everyone, it's a bit of a kick in the teeth to the thousands of years of people who've created us, to not perpetuate the bloodline.

I couldn't have children. If that means I have kicked my ancestors in the teeth then I am truly sorry and hope they will forgive me.

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 09/01/2021 22:10

When you get too old to have kids - will you regret it?? I knew l would have done. If you are that worried about the environment just have one. Simples.

UndyingDeathdefying · 09/01/2021 22:15

Teachers should have more experience of looked after children

Mybobowler · 09/01/2021 22:15

I always hate these sorts of questions. The decision (or urge, drive, instict etc etc) to have children isn't a logical one - it is very much more profound than that, and trying to apply logic to that decision is only going to tie you in knots.

I work in a climate change related field: I'm under no illusions about what the future may hold. Has it stopped me from having children? Nope. All I can hope is that I teach my daughter (and any future child) how to be kind, interested, conscious adults. I don't have a crystal ball, but I do know that my life and the lives of my close family - parents, siblings and grandparents - would be less joyful if my daughter wasn't here. If you can love and shelter a child, and bring them up to be a loving adult, I think that's a pretty ok thing to do with your life.

ChestnutStuffing · 09/01/2021 22:21

I don't know that looking at worldwide population numbers is helpful. The population in the UK is not growing too fast, by any stretch. And there are all kinds of ethical and practical issues with international adoption. But in this context, the most important is that for other countries where their population growth is too high, that is a problem they need to address internally. Adopting kids out isn't really a help.

The other thing I would say is that in places where there is low population growth, people typically use more resources and are more consumerist than places where people have more children. The relationship to resources is not nearly as clear as some might think. The real reason we are so environmentally unfriendly is that the economy continually demands we buy more, whether the population goes up or down.

Youseethethingis · 09/01/2021 22:31

When my babies were born I thought “there you are at last, I’ve been waiting my whole life for you, you should have been here the whole time”.
It’s not a logical decision, but you know that our bodies are all just star dust on a perpetual cycle through different forms. Why shouldn’t you have your own little star if that what you want? They are waiting for you to bring them to earth.

user1471519931 · 09/01/2021 22:41

Listen, I have a tricky mother - but at the same time I love her beyond all others and will care about her until the end of my life. Who else would do that?

User27aw · 09/01/2021 22:44

You are overthinking it. I think your dh isn't keen and is making up excuses.

BLTLover · 09/01/2021 22:45

I just wanted one and he looks like me.

XelaM · 09/01/2021 22:52

Totally bizarre thread.

Having my daughter was the best decision of my life (and one of the very, very few decisions I have never regretted even for a second).

Dee1975 · 09/01/2021 22:54

There is nothing ‘unethical’ about a human reproducing. It’s kind of why we are here....