Meeting friends without children

[majormumma]

I’m the first of my friends to have kids, I had my first at 25 and pregnant with my second.
I have two best friends who both want children in the future.

When I see them at mine they don’t pay much attention to DS, of course I understand that maybe we don’t all love our friends kids but they do also wish to be referred to as aunties?

Next weekend I spoke about meeting one outdoors and she said “maybe just us two, without DS”

Comments like that just really get to me but I don’t know if it’s pregnancy hormones and me overreacting. I understand it’s nice to see friends without their kids and we do, we’ve done lots just us. Idk aibu to feel annoyed?

YABU yes. Other peoples children fundamentally are not that interesting and at some ages are actively irritating. It’s perfectly reasonable to want to see a friend without a child there, they may want to see you and you may be being more distracted than you think by your DS?

Of course, I see them lots (pre lockdown) just us 3 and I find my child irritating too lol. It’s the consistent disinterest that upsets me!

Tbh, kids aren't that interesting unless they're yours, and it's so hard to actually have a conversation with an adult when there's a kid about. Meeting up with someone with their 3yr old is generally all about the kid. At the moment, with social interaction so scarce, can you blame them for wanting some adult 1 on 1 time?

Lots of my fiends have children and I can’t say I’m interested in them....in much the same way they’re not interested in mine

I don’t think YABU, depending on how you are when you are all together. Are used to get it my dear friend when she was babysitting a relative‘s baby, and she was always shouting me and telling me not to do this that and the other because the child took precedence, what was the point of invite me round? I think a lot of people like the idea of being an aunt or an uncle, but then don’t really want to be bothered with the actual child. My friend had her first DC at 25, and whenever we met up the DD was with her: she was a nice child and I had no problem with it. However, as her DC grew up and mine were born, it became clear that my DFriend did not want my DS with me when we met up. I suppose it depends on whether you are able to meet up without your DS – do you have someone who could look after him? She is NBU to not want your child there, and you are NBU to be cross about it.

You can't have a conversation with a toddler around, I don't blame her at all. Don't be offended, I imagine you'll feel the same about their kids in time

Children aren’t objectively all that interesting. Having them present completely changed the focus of any meet up.

Totally understand re point around social interaction. I am obviously being sensitive and I will blame pregnancy hormones. Do you have friends that are interested in your children or is that reserved largely for family? I have only one close mum friend so genuinely don’t know ??

It's a bit weird wanting to be referred to as auntie if they're so disinterested in your DS. I would respect that they want to see you without your DS and see them solo (if possible). But there is bo way I'd encourage that auntie reference is for blood or very close friends who actually care about your DS.

I have a kid but other people’s kids are tedious and I’d far rather meet up without mine or theirs. If you can meet without your kid then enjoy it!!

I don’t think your feelings are unreasonable but understand that some people want to meet their friends without kids there. However they also need to realise this isn’t always possible so maybe just be clear - ‘DS will be with me, is that ok?’ I don’t think it has much to do with whether children are interesting or not- you have a child, so that child will often be with you.

Hmmm. Not really. Loads of us used to meet up and just fire fight while trying to talk. Even some family weren't all that interested, it depended. Some liked dd when small, then lost interest and others were the other way round. Please don't feel bad. I remember my dd being my whole world and I had no idea how to exist without her there, and couldn't understand why anyone wouldn't want to just stare at her .

I think your friend is being unreasonable. It's an outdoors, presumably daytime, meet up. Perfect for a toddler! I'd just say you're bringing him.

This is how it generally goes when I meet my friend and her toddler.

Me: yeah so I’m not sure what to do really, he’s just really-
Her: NO. PUT IT DOWN. PUT THE ATICK DOWN. Sorry. He’s just going through a phase COME HERE! COME TO MUMMY NOW!! sorry what were you saying?
Me: ‘well, when we spoke the other-
Her: THAT’S DIRTY. DIRTY! Sorry sorry go on. YUCKY! YUCKY!
Me: let’s talk about it another time
Her: oh no don’t be silly, I feel like all I do every day is deal with him and I miss all the gossip THAT’S NOT YOUR CAKE! NO! NOT IN YOUR HAIR! Sorry Smidge I think he actually needs his nap, we’d better get going.

I love her and he can be cute sometimes but yeah, I definitely want to see her on her own.

I really love meeting up without DS don’t get me wrong, I rarely bring him tbh so I felt funny when she asked. I haven’t expressed that it upset me. I like to get the opinion of mumsnet 😂

I don’t think you are unreasonable- my friends that took zero interest in my first born the friendships fizzled out. My friends that made an effort I make an effort to see without my children, a good friendship is a mix.

Other people's kids aren't generally that interesting. Naturally you will be focussed on your children but it soon gets very boring as conversation always gets round to the kids.

I’d have been the same as Your friends pre children

I'm not that interested in my friends kids but I would never tell them not to bring their child on a walk , thats just rude and entitled.

@SmidgenofaPigeon has done an excellent description of what it’s like when you don’t have kids. Sorry if this seems harsh but unless the child is asleep it’s impossible to have a decent chat.

My DC1 is now 6. I had my DC in my 20s. I am now 30 and my friends are only now starting to settle down. Still no babies.

I found it hard to spend time with friends who didn't have a child to entertain / distract mine, it just didn't work very well. It is unenjoyable all round.

I have a couple of friends from before DC who I make a good effort to stay in touch with. And am able to spend occasional DC-free evenings with. Otherwise, I now prefer to socialise with other families with DC.

I'm sure when my pre-baby friends have kids of their own they will see and feel that it's more enjoyable to socialise with people with kids a similar age too. Mine will be grown by then and hopefully I'll be found in a bar somewhere exciting or pampering myself without any kids around!! Not all friendships last. Life changes.

I like my friend's children but I like seeing my friends without them too.
If I rarely see my friends (which is the case at the moment) then I might mention wanting to see a friend alone.

Hmm I see this from both sides.

Whilst I agree that not everyone finds kids fascinating, I also dont particularly find other people's weddings or relationships to be rivetingly interesting yet I STILL made an effort to talk about such things because they were important to my friends and I love my friends.

I'd be kinda hurt if they also didnt make an effort to at least ask how my kids are considering that I have endured hours worth of conversations about wedding planning etc which frankly, I found tedious as fck.

Certainly at the moment I’d avoid meeting with anyone’s kids because of the addition risk of infection. I also try to schedule visits to carry out essential shopping at times when there are less children about.

However, if I thought a close friend with a child was feeling isolated and no other childcare options we’re available to her, I would agree to meet up.
But social interactions are different when there is a child about.

Sorry pressed send...
It's different with children there. It's harder to actually chat, you find yourself constantly cut off, waiting for the child to be dealt with, taken to the loo or whatever. It's a bit frustrating.