Meeting friends without children

[majormumma]

I’m the first of my friends to have kids, I had my first at 25 and pregnant with my second.
I have two best friends who both want children in the future.

When I see them at mine they don’t pay much attention to DS, of course I understand that maybe we don’t all love our friends kids but they do also wish to be referred to as aunties?

Next weekend I spoke about meeting one outdoors and she said “maybe just us two, without DS”

Comments like that just really get to me but I don’t know if it’s pregnancy hormones and me overreacting. I understand it’s nice to see friends without their kids and we do, we’ve done lots just us. Idk aibu to feel annoyed?

You're only supposed to be meeting up to exercise and it's bloody tedious doing that with a toddler in tow.

I went out with a friend and her toddler last week and her DD is lovely but i don't consider taking thirty minutes to cajole a toddler to walk one mile with added crisp stops and conversation interruptions either fun or exercise.

YABU

Other people's children are hugely uninteresting and irritating. I'd prefer to see my friends without their kids. Being called an aunty is just being polite.

@HappyFlamingo

I would never dream of taking my child along if I was meeting a friend but sometimes it can't be avoided if you have no one to leave the child with.

Well then you don’t go surely?

That’s like people who want to take siblings to parties because there’s no one to babysit. You just turn down the invitation. That’s life with kids.

Agree ohcaptain.

If it can't be avoided then don't bloody go.

Well then you don’t go surely

Geez. By this rationale I would never have met up with any friends ever as I had no childcare and h was at work 6 days a week.

Bloody hell I’m SO glad my friends are great and nothing like people on this thread!

I’m the same age as you OP and have a 15 month old and I would also be taken aback by that message - I think it’s quite rude to be honest, particularly if you do generally meet without your DC. I don’t find it rude to prefer for meet-ups to be child free (god knows as a parent I still prefer seeing friends in child-unfriendly situations, since I’m the same person I was before I had her) but I do find messaging it that starkly, before you’d mentioned anything about your child, a bit off. Similarly I assume invitations from my female friends don’t include my partner unless stated otherwise, but I’d find it a bit weird and an implied criticism if one of them said “do you want to do such and such, X isn’t invited”.

God, I'd love to meet people without their kids in tow, I have my own but god what I would give to just have adult chatter that doesn't revolve around the bloody children. And breathe.

@1FootInTheRave

Agree ohcaptain.

If it can't be avoided then don't bloody go.

It’s her best friends she’s talking about, not someone she met last week at Pilates. What kind of best friend would say, oh you’ve got no childcare options, okay, see you in ten years?

Yes, and it's her best friends that have specifically asked that she attends without her child.

I've not read the who thread, but want to add that when my childless friend used to come around for some reason my DD always assumed she'd come to play with her I'd have a nice coffee whilst my poor friend played with the barbie house :)

Luckily my friend took it in good spirits, and we would meet child free most of the time.

Your friends don't have to be interested in your kid. If it's got to a point where they have said something it must be annoying. I think it's really easy to get used to your own kids noise and interruptions. But honestly it is annoying.

Some people like children, some people don't. I liked children before I had one of my own and I still like them (although I appreciate my child-free time more!). So I like my friends' children, although they can be annoying (as can my DS). My DS is special to me because he's mine but objectively I know he's no more interesting or boring than any other child.

What I don't understand is people who don't like children, have a child and then think their own child is the best thing since sliced bread ! And then get upset because other people can't see how superior their offspring are to the generality of children. Must be some powerful biological instincts at play there.

consistent disinterest that upsets me!

🙄

If you aren't yet ready to have your own, then you are going to be really put off by other people's dc.

Once you have kids then you kind of appreciate your friends dc more and you can sympathise with them being quite annoying from a selfish young person's perspective.

Pre dc I remember thinking of various people and their children:

• mid thirties women at work and I was late 20s they talked about nothing but their children, super dull, Christ I wouldn't want their life, why did they do it?
• Good friends few years older first child a really boisterous toddler: soooooo glad when we could go back home to our peaceful couple life and how stressful was a perfectly lovely meal with him trying to grab the wine glass or cutlery and eating spaghetti in a frankly disgusting way with My friends stressed and distracted.
• first ever baby my close friends had so my first experience of young children: My friends were obsessed with her, everything revolved around her, they let her literally walk or climb all over them, not interested in their experiences of parenting as didn't apply to me, meals out were impossible as feeding baby took over and they'd run off if she needed a nap, utter horror at the breast pump page in the Mothercare catalogue lying round their house, pretty uninteresting in all the stages of her young childhood but put up with it as I loved my friends.

Obviously with dc age 6 and 10 i am much more interested in pretty much anyones family life, dont mind talking to friends about their children, actively interested in the early / mid 30s women at work having babies, can make sensible suggestions about what to do with young dc in tow (ie avoid nice restaurants with white tablecloths and glassware!)

So your friends will probably grow into it, you just got there first. Don't expect too much, just find some friends with dc same age as you. Then you are on the same page.

@1FootInTheRave

Yes, and it's her best friends that have specifically asked that she attends without her child.

Yep, got that.

I never liked meeting friends with their kids. I don't like other people's kids. I barely like my own.
This was pre my own kids, and post. If I want to meet with my friend it's because I like HER and want to talk to HER. Yes I agreed to meet up, with our children, only to placate, or on the proviso that next time it would be childfree. If Friends didn't do this, ie refused to leave their precious child with their husband at home for an hour, then eventually the friendship fizzled out. No loss to me. It's probably best.

My closest 5 friendships have survived! We've been friends since school, uni, and the 3 others for 15 years, so it shows it's not a problem.

Young children are dull as fuck to anyone who isn't their parent or other family member. As someone who didn't have children because I found them dull as fuck (inherited teenage niece and nephew when their mother died but they are older and interesting) I never wanted to be around people and their children so I ditched friends when they became pregnant or their partners did.

However, as your friends want children eventually, there is a real,possibility that in a few years time you will be bored rigid by their toddlers and babies as your kids are a bit more independent and you'll be the one wanting to meet up without kids around!

I don’t know how I feel about this OP! 2 of my BF have NO kids but they are both brill with my DS especially when he was younger. Our bond never changed and at the time one then lived a long train journey away and she never said at any point “just us 2” I’m sorry where am I suppose to leave my child?!

I can understand if it was a meal or something inappropriate for a child like a cocktail bar.

I don’t think I would dare request to see someone without their child unless it was an evening event

You meet new friends along the way and I’m not sure these will be your forever friends OP.

@Russellbrandshair maybe your friends are tired of the with children dynamic. But are too polite to say or you’re oblivious to their hints

@WeAreShiningStars

YABU.

But be fully prepared to remind them of this in future when they have children, because believe me, they will most likely see it 'differently' then.

To be fair, I think that's true, but what's also true is that friends who hit certain milestones first also tend to treat them as less special when their friends do so later.

For example weddings - all the weddings in my early twenties were child free by default. But the same people then adopt a precious attitude about the accommodation of their little cherubs at weddings of friends who got married later (incidentally I did have children at my wedding).

But then people most often make friends when things are pretty much the same for all of them - they all work together or go to school together or university. It's later that variety starts kicking in.

@Ohalrightthen

Tbh, kids aren't that interesting unless they're yours, and it's so hard to actually have a conversation with an adult when there's a kid about. Meeting up with someone with their 3yr old is generally all about the kid. At the moment, with social interaction so scarce, can you blame them for wanting some adult 1 on 1 time?

This.

Very odd that the OP can't see that herself. Shows a certain lack of empathy and does make one wonder whether the dynamic is not actually that pleasant with the child is around because the OP spends it focusing on the child rather than the friend who's made time to come to meet her.

I also find it odd that the OP herself doesn't want to spend some quality 1 on 1 time with her friend in the first place. This is often why friendships drift apart because the friend with the child neglects spending any quality time with her own friends, then later starts wondering why her friends seem to have 'gone away'.

It is certainly possible to find other people's kids interesting but importantly, you can't maintain a proper friendship with someone if they spend the time you're together being distracted by a toddler when you're both meant to be bonding with each other.

It's EXTREMELY annoying trying to talk to someone when their attention is being diverted by a child. I think the friend is simply being honest about wanting to spend quality time with the OP. At 3 years old she doesn't need to be surgically attached to her mother. OP leaving the daughter to spend time with the daughter's dad, while she goes out for a bit of child-free time is what most adults would actually enjoy.

I wouldn't personally meet up with friends if they intend to bring their children along, couldn't think of anythink worse, you will need to accept that going forward, having needy children with you is very annoying and you can't meet up like you usually would have of done before kids came along, maybe different when your friends have kids as well.

I also find it odd that the OP herself doesn't want to spend some quality 1 on 1 time with her friend in the first place. This is often why friendships drift apart because the friend with the child neglects spending any quality time with her own friends, then later starts wondering why her friends seem to have 'gone away'.

Perhaps you find it odd because you’ve just made it up, which one would agree is quite an odd thing to do.

Meet ups are particularly rare and precious at the moment. Maybe your friend is trying to get the absolute most out of her time with you? DC may be more welcome when you can meet more frequently?

OP I haven’t read all of the comments here so perhaps something similar has already been said... I just wanted to say I’ve experienced this from your friend’s side. Wanting to be a special figure in best friend’s children’s lives but sometimes wishing not every interaction was going to involve the kids. The way I’ve worked it now is - some catch ups are strictly adult, other catch ups are strictly child focused. Ie I expressly say before coming over I’d love to ‘go to the park’, ‘play in the garden’, ‘have swim at the pool’ ‘have a living room dance party’ etc so my friend knows as well I’m there for kid time. I’ve realised while friend’s DC are pre-primary, it’s almost impossible to have social catch ups with the DC. But I see it as almost an extension of my friendship to try to forge bonds with their DC, and this has come about through active play instead of just being physically present for a coffee/chat catch up. Maybe you can talk openly about this with your friend, express your own side that love adult time away from DS, but also let her know you’d love if she could have shorter visits that although brief, were more DS focused.