Meeting friends without children

[majormumma]

I’m the first of my friends to have kids, I had my first at 25 and pregnant with my second.
I have two best friends who both want children in the future.

When I see them at mine they don’t pay much attention to DS, of course I understand that maybe we don’t all love our friends kids but they do also wish to be referred to as aunties?

Next weekend I spoke about meeting one outdoors and she said “maybe just us two, without DS”

Comments like that just really get to me but I don’t know if it’s pregnancy hormones and me overreacting. I understand it’s nice to see friends without their kids and we do, we’ve done lots just us. Idk aibu to feel annoyed?

My friends all love my kid. I love my friends kids. Do we want to hang out with the children there all the time? No! At the minute everyone is very understanding that I have to have my kid everywhere with me at the minute but once restrictions ease, I will love meeting child free. Don’t take offence it just changes the dynamics.

I might be going against the grain here but I wouldn't classify someone as a 'best friend' unless they were actively interested in my children too.

Casual friends I'd rather meet child free at the pub, but if I truly care about someone, that extends to their family too.

(Just to be completely open, I'd only count three of my friends as 'best friends', the rest of my closest friendships are with family so I naturally love their children too).

Maybe she wasn’t to talk to you about something not for kids ears.

I actually think it's better they are asking to meet separately. My friends often insist they want to see DS, but then after the first 5 minutes pay no attention to him so I end up occupying him and miss all the chat.

I find this too!

I would go mad if I only ever saw friends with DS there - he is the absolute light of my life but he is not conducive to adult conversation or me just sitting down and relaxing. I know lots of people have situations where it's hard for them to meet at all if it's not with children present and I'm sympathetic to that but I think that if you do have other options it's lots nicer for everyone to not bring children unless everyone there is bringing children. I feel the same about husbands, except even more vehemently since grown men absolutely can be left alone, so there's no logistical reason why some people insist on bringing their partner every single time.

I mean this kindly.

No one is interested in your child but you. I know when my fiends had kids and I didn’t I showed no interest. I feign interest in other propels children, but I don’t really care. The only kids I care about, and actually want to see are my own, my brothers kids and my sisters kids. That’s it.

You love your child. Others don't. And won't.

Isn't better to accept that than force the child on them?

These are my best friends that I’m referring too. The same one who just got a puppy and I made a fuss over because it’s her new puppy and it’s important to her. I reiterate I know that having DS changes the dynamic and in due course I cannot wait for a night with my friends.

@Russellbrandshair

So, for those who say they wont meet up with friends if their kids are present- what about people who literally have no childcare? I had no childcare when mine were little because my parents are both dead and I have no siblings.

Nice to know you would have just dumped me because of that.
What great "friends" you are eh? who needs enemies lol

As I said, I'd be sympathetic to that and would meet you with children if that was the only way to see you (assume that you were a single parent?). In all honesty, though, no I wouldn't look forward to the meetings as much but would be happy to do it if it was the way to still see you as my friend.

@Lookslikerainted

I mean this kindly.

No one is interested in your child but you. I know when my fiends had kids and I didn’t I showed no interest. I feign interest in other propels children, but I don’t really care. The only kids I care about, and actually want to see are my own, my brothers kids and my sisters kids. That’s it.

There are a TON of things my friends are into that I'm not remotely interested in but I show willingness to talk about those things even if they bore me senseless because I can see they are important to the people I care about.

This is just having basic social skills

Just to add, I'm pregnant with my first ATM so have only experienced this as the child free friend. I've never felt bored or neglected when a friends child is there, surely you just chat between the distractions?

Your friends probably don't need to show much interest in your child because you almost inevitably talk about him so much when you're with them!

It's not a criticism, it's just natural, but if you want to keep them, then you have to make a huge effort to talk about things they're interested in.

In years to come when they have their own kids, you will find the tables turn again and you will be very important

Sorry if this comes over as cynical, its not, it's just the way things play out in my experience...

@majormumma

These are my best friends that I’m referring too. The same one who just got a puppy and I made a fuss over because it’s her new puppy and it’s important to her. I reiterate I know that having DS changes the dynamic and in due course I cannot wait for a night with my friends.

See, I go mad over peoples pet dogs and cats. I love animals.

Animals don't generally impinge on your socialising though. Children do.

In all honesty, though, no I wouldn't look forward to the meetings as much but would be happy to do it if it was the way to still see you as my friend

That’s all I would ask for as a friend! Kids don’t remain little forever and we all go through life changes and if people can’t adapt to that then they’ll lose friends which I think is rather sad. Good friends (and I mean close supportive friends) aren’t easy to come by and I can’t believe some would throw those away simply for a few short years of the kids being small.

There are a TON of things my friends are into that I'm not remotely interested in but I show willingness to talk about those things even if they bore me senseless because I can see they are important to the people I care about.

But there's a big difference between talking about a topic and bringing a child along? I don't necessarily find other people's jobs interesting but will listen to them talk about work dramas for a bit, out of politeness. If they wanted me to come hang out in their office, though, I'd draw the line. No one is saying that children should be a banned topic of conversation, just that having them physically present throughout changes the dynamic and in a way that most people don't like.

I am very fond of most of my friends kids, who are now largely grown up now, but I don’t think parents of young children are aware that in the younger years they do dominate every conversation whether they are physically there or not and as a constant subject it’s tedious. I do remember avoiding meet ups when the kids were small.

I have two close friends who didn't have DC until my eldest was 4. We stayed good friends, but it took lots of compromise on both sides! Sometimes we met without my DC, sometimes with. I didn't expect them to be fascinated by my DC but I did expect them to recognise that I couldn't organise childcare at the drop of a hat.

@SmidgenofaPigeon

This is how it generally goes when I meet my friend and her toddler.

Me: yeah so I’m not sure what to do really, he’s just really-
Her: NO. PUT IT DOWN. PUT THE ATICK DOWN. Sorry. He’s just going through a phase COME HERE! COME TO MUMMY NOW!! sorry what were you saying?
Me: ‘well, when we spoke the other-
Her: THAT’S DIRTY. DIRTY! Sorry sorry go on. YUCKY! YUCKY!
Me: let’s talk about it another time
Her: oh no don’t be silly, I feel like all I do every day is deal with him and I miss all the gossip THAT’S NOT YOUR CAKE! NO! NOT IN YOUR HAIR! Sorry Smidge I think he actually needs his nap, we’d better get going.

I love her and he can be cute sometimes but yeah, I definitely want to see her on her own.

This is me, only with my dog .

No one is saying that children should be a banned topic of conversation, just that having them physically present throughout changes the dynamic and in a way that most people don't like

I agree with this and did prefer to meet without the kids for this reason but sometimes it simply wasnt possible as I didnt have childcare and my friends were lovely about it which is why my friendships have thrived and remained strong I think. We try always to be supportive of each other. Readng this thread makes me incredibly grateful for them!

Talking about the kid (or any other subject that doesn't really interest you) politely is a bit different to having to tolerate them during a meeting.

YABU.

But be fully prepared to remind them of this in future when they have children, because believe me, they will most likely see it 'differently' then.

@Milkshake7489

Just to add, I'm pregnant with my first ATM so have only experienced this as the child free friend. I've never felt bored or neglected when a friends child is there, surely you just chat between the distractions?

Your friends have very compliant and quiet children! I found it was fine with a tiny baby as I could chat away (admittedly normally with a boob out) but since DS has been mobile, and much more so since he could talk himself, I can't hold a normal conversation if he's there, I'm too distracted. It maybe also depends on your attitude as a parent - I've seen people sat talking to their friends and sort of just pretending that their toddler isn't running around/shouting/making a massive mess with the sugar in a coffee shop, which I guess frees you up a bit, but that isn't how I want DS to behave and stopping that requires more active engagement.

@WeAreShiningStars

YABU.

But be fully prepared to remind them of this in future when they have children, because believe me, they will most likely see it 'differently' then.

Yes, this is very very true.....

I generally only take my kids if they have kids too. Otherwise I try arrange meeting up when DH is at home so I can go alone. I am lucky that a lot of my friends had kids at a similar time. It's frustrating having a conversation constantly interrupted. The exception to this is with a newborn. I bf so took mine most places as they wanted feeding hourly, but would generally be held or fed or in the pram whilst chatting.

I used to meet up with my dd and my friend with her dd. But when mine started pre school l just didn't want to spend my free time with someone else's child on my child free day! Harsh but true.