Meeting friends without children

[majormumma]

I’m the first of my friends to have kids, I had my first at 25 and pregnant with my second.
I have two best friends who both want children in the future.

When I see them at mine they don’t pay much attention to DS, of course I understand that maybe we don’t all love our friends kids but they do also wish to be referred to as aunties?

Next weekend I spoke about meeting one outdoors and she said “maybe just us two, without DS”

Comments like that just really get to me but I don’t know if it’s pregnancy hormones and me overreacting. I understand it’s nice to see friends without their kids and we do, we’ve done lots just us. Idk aibu to feel annoyed?

It’s healthy to meet without the DC. Kids are not that interesting

Surely the definition of auntie is:
Auntie (n)
(1) sister of father or mother or a child, or female partner of brother to father or mother
(2) woman that cares about your child because they care about you, and is interested only in The Good Bits

Hint: the good bits do not include never being able to finish a bloody sentence because some small child need attention

It’s a bit silly to get over sensitive about their lack of interest. Other people’s children are pretty dull, especially when you’re childless.

Leave your child with their dad, go and have fun, and allow the aunties to have fun too.

I have a very good, childless friend who is very interested in my DC, and absolutely lovely to them. But even she would want to see me on my own sometimes. You can’t hold a grown up conversation with small kids around.

And having been childless for a long long time, I can also say that it feels like the friend with small children is de-prioritising you. They’re looking after their DC and you’re just along for a bit of distraction.

They are child free and although they wish your children well and take a polite interest in them, that doesn't mean they want to spend time with them. This is completely normal, because when your child is present your attention is divided, interruptions are constant, and it can be very tedious.

I actually think it's better they are asking to meet separately. My friends often insist they want to see DS, but then after the first 5 minutes pay no attention to him so I end up occupying him and miss all the chat.

People are interested in babies, and then progressively less interested as your child grows, unless they have one a similar age. When your friends finally have babies they will be as absorbed as you are now, and you will stifle a few yawns and wonder what is a polite way to suggest meeting without children - so make a note of how they are doing it now.

YABU OP. Mine and my besties kids are really different ages when we meet theres no need to even say 'no kids' we both know they are not invited

@AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter

Hmm I see this from both sides.

Whilst I agree that not everyone finds kids fascinating, I also dont particularly find other people's weddings or relationships to be rivetingly interesting yet I STILL made an effort to talk about such things because they were important to my friends and I love my friends.

I'd be kinda hurt if they also didnt make an effort to at least ask how my kids are considering that I have endured hours worth of conversations about wedding planning etc which frankly, I found tedious as fck.

Agreed- why the talk about tinder dates and first homes and people’s job issues are deemed more riveting than people’s children is beyond me but that’s friendship- be interested or find yourself friendless

I don’t blame them, you can only meet outdoors for exercise with one other person under the rules and must SD. Not really possible for a three year old and would there actually be much exercise going on with him there.

Actually I'm with you OP. Unfortunately where I go the kids go so if a friend didn't want them there then I couldn't see them at all...not everyone has babysitters

I like her kids obviously and she likes mine and if theres a kids bday I will defo see them (pre covid), but not for a general catch up

Agreed- why the talk about tinder dates and first homes and people’s job issues are deemed more riveting than people’s children is beyond me but that’s friendship- be interested or find yourself friendless

Exactly. If ive sat through hours worth of angst about your crappy relationship (which I was happy to do as you are my FRIEND) then I dont think its asking too much for a bit of reciprocity about my kids since I am your FRIEND.

Friendship has to go both ways otherwise its merely parasitic

I don't have kids and struggle seeing friends who do, even the most well behaved kids who I adore. It means limited conversation topics and focusing on not swearing around someone I have sworn around for years

Btw the way to have friends who are genuinely interested in your baby/child is to make friends who have a baby at the same time. I made a bunch of friends at baby group, stay and play etc, and they are the ones who are happy to socialise with DS, and show a real interest and understanding of whatever stage he's at.

Notcornflakes, you'd just take him despite being asked not to? Why?

Tbh, I much prefer seeing my friends without kids. I don't dislike them, I just have no interest in them whatsoever.

Oh dear lord, I can understand if childcare arrangements mean the kid also has to be there sometimes, but I think I would phase out a friend who wanted her kid there every time we hung out. My mum used to send us upstairs to play whenever her friends came over, so they could talk freely.

The conversation topics will all have to be kid-friendly, and kids tend to not know when to keep their mouth shut and repeat inappropriate things!

Thanks all - great to read through the differing opinions. I think I was taken aback as she’d asked and I could honestly count on one hand the amount of times I bring DS, with me and he’s 3.

We talk everyday on WhatsApp but totally appreciate the level of interruptions that come with a toddler and I do often find it stressful trying to juggle the two.

It’s hard as I have few mum friends and maybe this is part of the problem, the few I do it’s a different dynamic which I also like!

Tbh OP, meet ups where one person brings their kid(s) are only for the benefit of the friend who is a parent, to have a bit of distraction and something different to do with their DC. The kid doesn’t enjoy it as they find adult chat boring and want to be centre of attention, and the child-free friend doesn’t enjoy it as they can’t have a proper conversation with you. I’ve now got a rule that I don’t meet up with friends with their kids unless I’m doing it as a favour to them (e.g. their husband is away working and they’re lonely/need some support) as it’s not at all fun for me. Obviously some people don’t have any childcare if they’re single or their partner works away - in those situations I’d go round to theirs for a post bed-time dinner pre-covid or call them in the evening during the pandemic.

Also never wanting to talk about your kids is an entirely different matter. I always ask after my friends’ children, like I ask after their husband, family, job, etc. It would be rude to never want to speak about them. But not wanting them there is NBU in my opinion.

Your friends do not need to love your kids. Be nice to them and respect them, yes. Be prepared to never spend time with you without them, no.

I'm afraid this is how it is after having kids. Soon enough they'll have kids of their own and they'll get it.

That said, everyone needs time with their friends without their kids around, especially as kids get a bit older and can understand everything you say!

Cut your friends some slack. One of my close friends doesn't have kids (and won't be having them I don't think, she's over 40 and showing little interest in finding a partner nor seems to be broody - nothing wrong with that at all, obvs) and I get that she doesn't want to talk about my son all the time. She's nice to him and buys him little gifts etc but there's no need for her to fawn over him. Needless to say I'm not that bothered about her dog either but I get that it means a lot to her.

Just try to be a bit more understanding, maybe?

Tbh, I much prefer seeing my friends without kids. I don't dislike them, I just have no interest in them whatsoever

I have no interest in the people's weddings- they bore me rigid.
Should I therefore just ignore my friends who are getting married because one topic bores me?

I get it. I never really knew how to interact with small kids before I had my own. I also recognise that mine are at a very demanding age.

That said, I am always with my kids (two and five months).
Some friendships have slipped because of this.
I am happy to prioritise time with the children at the moment.
Perhaps these friends will be around when I have more freedom, perhaps they won't.

@SmidgenofaPigeon

This is how it generally goes when I meet my friend and her toddler.

Me: yeah so I’m not sure what to do really, he’s just really-
Her: NO. PUT IT DOWN. PUT THE ATICK DOWN. Sorry. He’s just going through a phase COME HERE! COME TO MUMMY NOW!! sorry what were you saying?
Me: ‘well, when we spoke the other-
Her: THAT’S DIRTY. DIRTY! Sorry sorry go on. YUCKY! YUCKY!
Me: let’s talk about it another time
Her: oh no don’t be silly, I feel like all I do every day is deal with him and I miss all the gossip THAT’S NOT YOUR CAKE! NO! NOT IN YOUR HAIR! Sorry Smidge I think he actually needs his nap, we’d better get going.

I love her and he can be cute sometimes but yeah, I definitely want to see her on her own.

Exactly. It's very tedious hanging out with friends with their young children there.

I stopped seeing my friend when she had her 3 kids with her. It was pointless, we never got to have a conversation.

@SmidgenofaPigeon has hit the nail on the head!
That’s exactly what I feel like taking my 10 month old anywhere I dread when he’s 2 and can run

That being said, between covid and me having no child care DS and I come as a package deal and friends who have suggested ‘meeting up without baby’ have been met with a swift ‘right, I’ll just leave him home alone then shall I?’

@ktp100 I am trying to be understanding, hence writing on mumsnet to get outside of my own, slightly agitated and hormonal head

I don't have kids but love it when my friends who do bring them along for walks too! Get a lot of fun and laughter and more...interesting... conversations than just between boring adults!

I don't think I'm alone in that.

But maybe your friend wants to talk about some that's preoccupying her at the moment and isn't suitable for young ears?

When your friends start having kids you will get this.

So, for those who say they wont meet up with friends if their kids are present- what about people who literally have no childcare? I had no childcare when mine were little because my parents are both dead and I have no siblings.

Nice to know you would have just dumped me because of that.
What great "friends" you are eh? who needs enemies lol