Meeting friends without children

[majormumma]

I’m the first of my friends to have kids, I had my first at 25 and pregnant with my second.
I have two best friends who both want children in the future.

When I see them at mine they don’t pay much attention to DS, of course I understand that maybe we don’t all love our friends kids but they do also wish to be referred to as aunties?

Next weekend I spoke about meeting one outdoors and she said “maybe just us two, without DS”

Comments like that just really get to me but I don’t know if it’s pregnancy hormones and me overreacting. I understand it’s nice to see friends without their kids and we do, we’ve done lots just us. Idk aibu to feel annoyed?

I suppose I don't mind meeting a friend with kids... IF they tell me they're bringing them first, and not just assume! I really hate it when that happens, and it's hard to disguise my disappointment. If I'm told beforehand, then I'll be prepping myself for many annoying distractions a different time. Bring them along without telling me and it's almost always an unwelcome surprise, especially in somewhere like a restaurant. I'm sure plenty of people in here will tell me that they think it should be a given that the kids will be there, though!

* I also find it odd that the OP herself doesn't want to spend some quality 1 on 1 time with her friend in the first place. This is often why friendships drift apart because the friend with the child neglects spending any quality time with her own friends, then later starts wondering why her friends seem to have 'gone away'.

‘Perhaps you find it odd because you’ve just made it up, which one would agree is quite an odd thing to do.’*

Exactly. The OP has said that she usually does have child free time with her friends and enjoys it. She’s just sad that her closest friends are not at all interested in her DC.

I personally can see both sides. My DDs are 11 and 8 now so usually entertain themselves and I enjoy having uninterrupted adult time again. Toddlers and preschoolers are much harder work and I much preferred to meet up with friends without my DDs there.

But I’ve never had friends say they don’t want to see them, so I can imagine feeling a little bit hurt. It isn’t something I would ever say to a friend either.

@SmidgenofaPigeon

This is how it generally goes when I meet my friend and her toddler.

Me: yeah so I’m not sure what to do really, he’s just really-
Her: NO. PUT IT DOWN. PUT THE ATICK DOWN. Sorry. He’s just going through a phase COME HERE! COME TO MUMMY NOW!! sorry what were you saying?
Me: ‘well, when we spoke the other-
Her: THAT’S DIRTY. DIRTY! Sorry sorry go on. YUCKY! YUCKY!
Me: let’s talk about it another time
Her: oh no don’t be silly, I feel like all I do every day is deal with him and I miss all the gossip THAT’S NOT YOUR CAKE! NO! NOT IN YOUR HAIR! Sorry Smidge I think he actually needs his nap, we’d better get going.

I love her and he can be cute sometimes but yeah, I definitely want to see her on her own.

This is the best written expression of a conversation with a mum of a small person 😂

I love my friends' children dearly but I also sometimes need to be able to hold an actual conversation with them to keep the friendship going - fortunately mine like you do leave their kids behind sometimes.

I don't think you're being unreasonable but don't think your friend is either :)

I'm child-free, I work hard and my social time with my friends is precious, I don't want it interrupted by kids. I can completely see where your friends are coming from.

maybe your friends are tired of the with children dynamic. But are too polite to say or you’re oblivious to their hints

Nope! I realise it must be irritating to you to hear but my friends have all been super supportive. They later went on to have kids themselves so our situations flipped. We did our best to meet up sans kids but also accepted its not always possible. we’ve known each other since school so very long lasting friendships. Sorry to disappoint you though and sorry your friends are shit in comparison 😆😆😆

@MixMatch I don’t understand where you’ve got the impression I don’t want to spend 1-1 time with my best friend or how you got to make such a sweeping statement. I speak to her everyday and before the lockdown and rules I’d often go to her house for dinner child free, or spend nights out together, it was only January where we went into London for dinner. The last two times I’ve gone for a walk I have bought DS, largely because I don’t get much time with him but fundamentally because I have no one else to look after him.

It’s ironic you talk about lack of empathy but have no real clue about the circumstances.

I have stated throughout this post that I

1. Totally appreciate that whilst my son is amazingly funny and gorgeous, he can also be extremely annoying/ distracting and therefore not great company when I meet friends.

1. I regularly see my friends without him.

1. My friends want to be called auntie, post on social media as if he’s very important to them.

1. Made a recent remark that “he doesn’t like me, why won’t he talk to me” which considering they’re usually not particularly interested, is odd.

Also to add, I’ve had my friends over for dinner, because I love cooking and it’s easier with DS, of course, they can always decline if my son is so irritating or hell, invite me to there’s 😂
I cooked, they ate, I entertained DS, they chatted amongst themselves, I washed up, they left.
Listen I’m not expecting them to dote on him, I’m really not, maybe though if they come to mine willingly for dinner they could pretend to be interested for a short amount of time, I don’t know?
I would do the same but maybe because I try and show that I care about what’s important to people?? Gosh Idk

Some people have talked about pets on this thread. I find I can't have a phone conversation with my mum these days without it being repeatedly interrupted by her telling the cat off in cat-baby voice and then telling me what he's been up to. I'm a cat lover myself and happy to talk about them (up to a point), but it's just like attempting to hold a conversation with someone when their toddler is in the room. Only less reasonable and therefore unbelievably annoying.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable.

Unless you talk about your child all the time and take no interest in what your friends say, then it’s perfectly legitimate for you to expect your own, so called, good friends to be interested in your children to the extent they ask how they are or at least say hello to them a bit.

As for not meeting up without them- sure, occasionally, but if you work then a weekend is your only time with them. I don’t like to lose out on family time with my children on weekends just because some friends don’t get how important your DC are to you once you become a Mum.

I obviously don’t know your mums situation but maybe the cat is a great support to your mum at the present moment, I’m sure whilst it’s frustrating for you @Byllis !! Maybe you could make a light hearted comment or explain how it’s making you feel?

You're right, @majormumma - she does love him to but and is on her own most of the time so I wouldn't ever say anything. I just silently scream to myself

To bits, that should have said

YANBU. I was the last to have children in my friendship group. I liked seeing my good friends children grow up, being able to come in be the fun adult then go home and have a nice sleep 😁 We did gave child free meet ups but I dont share the same view as most others on this thread. Not much you can do about your friends though, they're clearly not interested.

Sorry forgot to add I have DC now and my close friends are the same way with me.

Thanks @HopeYourHighHorseBucks that’s always how I’ve seen it. It’s difficult because I was the first one a few years ago and I’m going onto my 2nd and no one is there yet either...

I have a few friends who I’m not as close to but if we meet (say they come to mine before going out for dinner for example) they make an effort with DS for 20/30 mins and then we head out for girlie times. I’m not under any illusion that they might be feigning some interest but it does also mean a lot to see a friend playing with/ simply acknowledging DS because he’s a big part of my life.
I rarely talk about him to my friends on text etc because I have my MIL and few friends with kids for that 😂 id genuinely rather live vicariously through my friends who are having lie ins and binging Netflix in peace (the dream!!)

Yes, YABU.

So your friends will probably grow into it, you just got there first.

Can I just point out that lots of people don’t have children at any point in their lives, so they won’t “grow into it”.

YABU. My best friend was the first to have a baby and although he was cute and I loved him, he wasn’t the reason I wanted to meet up with her and he was just... a child. Other people’s kids aren’t really that interesting

Thanks for commenting @ChronicallyCurious. Did you ever see your friend with child? Now that you have children how do you regularly see your friends?!

Try to think back to your single days and how you would've felt if a friend insisted on bringing a boyfriend to every meet up. It's nothing personal against your DS, but another person (regardless of age or relationship) does change the dynamic.

Also, imagine if she wanted to talk to you about something like a miscarriage or an abusive partner or a health scare or something serious/personal. She might really need to have your full attention, and there may be things that she doesn't want to say in front of a child.

@Russellbrandshair no, lm the one who has friends who want to foist their children on me. Plus want me to super flexible all the time with no reciprocation. E.g. try to force crazy social arrangements on me as it suits them e.g. being annoyed when l wouldn’t get up at 5am and drive half way to the country. “As it would fit in well with his nap schedule”. Hmm maybe it would have done but l had had a tough week and wanted a more civilised get up time on an annual leave day

@WayTooSoon totally understand and appreciate your points. I have never insisted on bringing my DS. Sometimes my husband works on weekends meaning I have no childcare.

Again, I totally appreciate that. I’ve explained throughout the thread her comment took me a back because I see her without DS more times than I see her with DS and we speak everyday.

@WhatKatyDidNxt

So here’s a crazy thought- have you tried talking to them about it?

If you have and they don’t listen then find new friends. All I’m saying is: 1. Not everyone has childcare 24/7 and that’s a very privileged assumption for people to make.

1. Friendship involves reciprocity. If you can’t make allowances for a friend sometimes (not always) but sometimes then you’re a crap friend. (I don’t mean you personally I mean in general).

The amount of people on this thread saying if you physically cannot leave the kid at home then you should never go out is not only completely ridiculous but very unsurprisingly I suspect those people have very few friends left with such a rigid and intolerant attitude.

Regarding your friends - I’d talk to them and explain how you feel. If there is no reciprocity then move on and find new friends. Life is too short for shitty friends!

Not very helpful but one of my best friends has the most irritating, vile, whiney child on the planet. She has no idea I can't stand her child (and neither can my DH) but unfortunately it means I never see her because they come as a package and I'd rather stab myself to death than spend a few hours with that brat

I love her other DC, it's just that one!