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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Meeting friends without children

183 replies

majormumma · 09/01/2021 16:52

I’m the first of my friends to have kids, I had my first at 25 and pregnant with my second.
I have two best friends who both want children in the future.

When I see them at mine they don’t pay much attention to DS, of course I understand that maybe we don’t all love our friends kids but they do also wish to be referred to as aunties?

Next weekend I spoke about meeting one outdoors and she said “maybe just us two, without DS”

Comments like that just really get to me but I don’t know if it’s pregnancy hormones and me overreacting. I understand it’s nice to see friends without their kids and we do, we’ve done lots just us. Idk aibu to feel annoyed?

OP posts:
MrsGrindah · 09/01/2021 17:55

Oh god yes , I have absolutely no interest in my friends kids. I want an adult conversation with someone who is interested in what I have to say. And I’m interested in her life. I don’t mind discussing kids to some extent but I don’t want to meet up with them.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 09/01/2021 17:55

I think I'm unusual. I have a few friends who are 5 or so years older than me who had kids before me. I genuinely enjoy their children and didnt mind accommodating them, I mean I knew I planned my own one day and would likely hope they would tolerate my kids when the time came.

Yanbu if they seem to imply you should never ever have your child with you, if you are making time to see them without kids at other times. If friends want to pretend you have no kids I'm not sure they are real friends but that's just me.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 09/01/2021 17:55

I don’t think parents of young children are aware that in the younger years they do dominate every conversation

I was definitely guilty of this. I took a year of maternity leave with DS, and my entire life was based around baby activities, while he was practically glued on to me. I had nothing else to talk about, and I was perfectly happy that way Blush. My friends thought I had been possessed.

It wore off when I went back to work.

haloalkane · 09/01/2021 17:58

I do love it when people bring their dogs along to meet ups, though. They genuinely are cute and not as distracting.

LazyName · 09/01/2021 17:58

Yanbu I would never say that to any of my friends and I would be annoyed if they suggested that to me!

I’d understand more if it was a nice meal or something but she is being a bit precious when all we can do is go walking outside! If any of my friends said that to me I’d tell them thanks but no thanks then!

haloalkane · 09/01/2021 17:58

I'm not looking forward to my friends having kids, if every conversation will be about them

Metallicalover · 09/01/2021 17:59

I think it's that your feeling sensitive as you said. Sometimes you have so much going on in your life or your stressed you want to speak to a friend without the interruption of children.
I was the last of my friends to have a baby, very invested in their children and they used to suggest child free time away from children!
I struggled with fertility and wanted some adult conversations and not want the children to see me cry and friends were fine with that!
No when I had my child they are to busy with their own children to invest the time like I could with their children. That's not their fault it's just life gets in the way sometimes!
Sometimes you just want to have a chat with your mate not play with their child!

WhatKatyDidNxt · 09/01/2021 18:00

@SmidgenofaPigeon yep that’s an accurate description of how it is! It’s rather frustrating and totally changes the dynamic. A bit like if l always took my fiancé with me everywhere. Sometimes you just want to have a relaxing catch up just the 2 of you. Having children changes your life l get it but it’s not not reasonable for the world around you to change. It’s like when people get married and want things to revolve around their wedding, in reality other people’s live continue and they have other important stuff going on

ChrissyPlummer · 09/01/2021 18:01

I was just about to post exactly what @SmidgenofaPigeon said. My friend used to do this constantly. We didn’t see each other that much due to work/distance/her having DC but she somehow got the idea that every time we met I’d be delighted for her to turn up with a baby/toddler. She has a very hands on DH who genuinely wouldn’t object to her going alone. The strange thing was it was only me. I could see from her social media that she went out with other friends alone.

Anyway, I can see their point, it’s boring and irritating as you can’t have a proper chat and everything becomes about the kid(s).

Bluesername · 09/01/2021 18:01

I'm sure your friends are happy for you but that doesn't mean they're obliged to be an 'auntie' in the way you'd like. Some will want to, others won't, and it isn't intended as an insult to you. For example when going through fertility problems I found it painful to spend time with friends' young children and, after plastering on the expected positive face day after day, year after year, could no longer do it. That was not a reflection on how pleased I was for a friend to have their own family but I had to step back for a while. So don't take it personally as it's probably not meant to be.

Cyberattack · 09/01/2021 18:03

Trying to talk seriously to a friend who is with kids is very difficult. You never feel the friend engages properly with the conversation as it is constantly being interrupted.
I say this as a mum myself.

slashlover · 09/01/2021 18:05

I'm the only one of my friends now without kids. I'm honestly not a fan of babies or toddlers but once they reached 4 or 5 and can properly interact with me, it changes my relationship with them. Playing games, talking to them, taking them to the park, being silly feels completely different now. I even take my cousin's DS to a thing we both enjoy twice a year without my cousin and have done since he was 7 (he's 13 now and it's our special thing).

Original poster
majormumma · 09/01/2021 18:05

And I rarely bring him along... I often see my friends without DS and it’s great

OP posts:
MessAllOver · 09/01/2021 18:11

It's best post-children to divide your friends into two categories. Those who genuinely don't mind spending time with your kids and are prepared to make an effort to get to know them (mostly mum friends, family members and the odd really good friend worth their weight in gold). Then there's the much bigger category of people who may politely tolerate your annoying sprog (and all small children are annoying) but would really rather they weren't there. I never mention my DS to the latter group and always try to meet up with them without him as they don't have much tolerance for small children's foibles and I could do without the stress.

OhCaptain · 09/01/2021 18:12

Meeting up with a three year old is not fun unless it’s in an enclosed space with other kids.

Actually - it’s still pretty shit. It’s just that mums are all in the same boat.

She didn’t do anything wrong to be fair. Literally just said “maybe just the two of us.”

KitKat1985 · 09/01/2021 18:14

It's really hard to have a proper catch up with someone when they have small kids with them as the kids interrupt constantly, whinge, need the toilet etc. And frankly other people's kids aren't that interesting. So I think you are being a bit unreasonable.

wildraisins · 09/01/2021 18:18

I think this is really personal and just depends on your specific friends and your relationship with them.

I think the friendship dynamics do change a bit when you have kids. If any of my friends had kids I don't think I would be really expecting to see them without their kids after that. Of course it would be nice if we did get adult time but I think I'd expect that the default would be with kids.

However, in your 20's and as the only one of your friends with kids, it's maybe a bit different. They probably expect friends to be more focussed on them.

Just try to juggle it the best you can and if your friends get too demanding then you'll have to talk to them about it and explain that you don't have as much time for one-on-ones as you used to.

SunKeepsShining · 09/01/2021 18:18

If you’re in the U.K......
? Pandemic

BlueSussex · 09/01/2021 18:20

YABU

Children you are not related to are fairly irritating and/or dull IMHO

Good job I never got into teaching Grin

Lookslikerainted · 09/01/2021 18:21

@AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter

Yes if you read my post I said I feign interest. But deep down I don’t care. I’m sure you do the same, it’s called being polite. I was pointing out to op that no one really wants to know about someone else’s kids, in the same way you’d politely listen to someone about their cycling but not really care.

EscapedfromGN · 09/01/2021 18:21

Do people still call parent's friends uncle or aunty? I never allowed that. Real uncles and aunts fair enough, but God parents and our friends it was first names. Elderly adults it was Mr or Mrs XYZ.

It was quite confusing when I was growing up because we had so many 'aunties'. Most were very elderly ladies who were not related to us.

haloalkane · 09/01/2021 18:21

Tbh it's a bit like people who look at their phone constantly while we're hanging out. I think why didn't you just stay home and do that, if you're paying no attention to me why am I bothering to be here

pictish · 09/01/2021 18:24

Don’t take the request to leave your ds behind and her disinterest personally as a slight against you or your little one...how much interest did you have in other people’s children before you had one of your own? Exactly...me either.
It’s just a life stage mismatch I’m afraid.

Hardbackwriter · 09/01/2021 18:25

I think the friendship dynamics do change a bit when you have kids. If any of my friends had kids I don't think I would be really expecting to see them without their kids after that.

I find that such a strange assumption - unless there's no partner in the picture I would guess that I'd see them less often than before but not that their child would come along as standard. I don't really understand why anyone would bring a toddler to an adult meet up if they had another option - it's not fun for the adults but it really isn't quality time for the child either, who is likely to find it frustrating and not understand why mummy keeps trying to ignore them or shh-ing them.

pictish · 09/01/2021 18:27

I agree hardbackwriter.

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