Meeting friends without children

[majormumma]

I’m the first of my friends to have kids, I had my first at 25 and pregnant with my second.
I have two best friends who both want children in the future.

When I see them at mine they don’t pay much attention to DS, of course I understand that maybe we don’t all love our friends kids but they do also wish to be referred to as aunties?

Next weekend I spoke about meeting one outdoors and she said “maybe just us two, without DS”

Comments like that just really get to me but I don’t know if it’s pregnancy hormones and me overreacting. I understand it’s nice to see friends without their kids and we do, we’ve done lots just us. Idk aibu to feel annoyed?

I would totally expect to see my friends sans kiddy, and did. I never took any of mine along on adult meet ups unless I had to, certainly never through choice.
I wanted a break from them.

I find it utterly tedious meeting friends with children ... and yes, I am sure they find my DS just as tedious too. If a parent genuinely doesn't have childcare then I will, of course, understand but what I don't understand is women who won't leave their child with his/her own father and then want to meet at a soft play centre or some equally tedious venue. And I feel just the same about people who won't meet without their dogs .

I love my own children but really can’t be bothered with anyone else’s, apart from my dearest friend. I have another friend with a young son and every time we plan to meet she wants to do it around his school times so I can see him. It’s tedious and the conversation never flows.
I’m sure your friend doesn’t mean to offend you it’s just that other people’s children are of little interest to other people generally.

@SmidgenofaPigeon

This is how it generally goes when I meet my friend and her toddler.

Me: yeah so I’m not sure what to do really, he’s just really-
Her: NO. PUT IT DOWN. PUT THE ATICK DOWN. Sorry. He’s just going through a phase COME HERE! COME TO MUMMY NOW!! sorry what were you saying?
Me: ‘well, when we spoke the other-
Her: THAT’S DIRTY. DIRTY! Sorry sorry go on. YUCKY! YUCKY!
Me: let’s talk about it another time
Her: oh no don’t be silly, I feel like all I do every day is deal with him and I miss all the gossip THAT’S NOT YOUR CAKE! NO! NOT IN YOUR HAIR! Sorry Smidge I think he actually needs his nap, we’d better get going.

I love her and he can be cute sometimes but yeah, I definitely want to see her on her own.

@SmidgenofaPigeon I have a good friend who I met because our DC are school friends - if we have a play date, I barely see my DC as they go and play but her same-aged DC still constantly requires attention. I find it frustrating even though I’m a mum too! So full sympathy from me.

I'm interested in my friend's children in a similar way I'm interested in their partners. I'll ask after them, I'm happy to be told about big events etc, but I don't want to see them every time I see my friend.

It's hard to have an adult conversation with kids around. Depending on the age, you either have crying and interrupting, or you have to avoid topics you don't want the kids overhearing

I used to have a friend who would totally misread the room and pushing try to make us all do what the kids wanted to do. An example was being invited over for a coffee and catch up but finding myself plonked at the dining table to play Buckaroo with the kids...and we’re not talking about toddlers either, primary aged.
There isn’t enough fuck or off to deal with that.

I am interested in all my friends children by the virtue of them being my friends children. I want to know about my mates and the kids are part of that. The wanting to be known as aunties while showing no interest is wanky. I wouldn't allow that.

Yes. But do you know what happens though in my experience. When the same friends have their own children they conveniently forget that they expected you to go out and away for girly weekends etc without the children ( which I did but it took a lot of organising ) and their children come to everything and they would not dream of leaving them to go out let alone away - it’s so annoying. Everything I did that they disapproved of or tutted at suddenly I see them doing too.
I have had to bite my lip ( and roll my eyes in private)😂

I could be completely wrong here but is it possible that your friend might what to confide in you about something? Maybe it’s something unsuitable for your young son to hear.

Or it could be that she really just wants to spend some quality time with you sans child. When I was younger and child free I used to walk away from meeting friends with kids feeling like I hadn’t properly caught up with them. Or even just feeling glad to get away because of how annoying the child had been.

If it doesn’t suit you to meet without your child just tell her and catch up another time.

I don't like other people's children if I'm honest. I have to say though a lot of people request my little girl joins us, she's a lovely and funny little girl but sometimes I don't want to bring her

I should add that I’m actually a nanny and have worked with lots of little children, so time without them when I socialise is definitely my preferred option. Of course I wouldn’t kick off of someone had to bring their child as they’ve got no other childcare but they have to realise that the dynamic won’t be the same as the little person inevitably takes centre stage. Babies the exception when they are feeding or sleeping and you don’t have to watch what you say.

Unfortunately I often fall victim to the ‘oh you want to play dollies/Lego/Twister? I’m sure Smidgen would love to play with you!’

No I bloody well would not, that’s tedious enough when I’m being paid for it.

I hate meeting friends with children. It's different and it's restrictive conversation is interrupted , cant do impulse things

I would never dream of taking my child along if I was meeting a friend - only if we'd specifically arranged a play date.
Obviously if someone visits the house then he'll be there too. There was only one person I knew (as a friend) had children in her 20's and I must admit she did then drift away as none of us were remotely interested in kids when we were young. It was careers, bars, travelling, having fun. Children came along mid-30s for most of them, I'm 42 and 35wks pregnant with a 3yr old. Now I genuinely enjoy play dates and friends young children.
It just sounds like they're in a very different place to you.
Looking back though I can understand why that would be hurtful for you x

Just remembered the rage I felt after organising a baby sitter for DC, for my friends to then decide to bring theirs to our restaurant booking.
Tedious.

@Hardbackwriter I suppose I would just assume that kids would come first and I wouldn't expect our friendship to come above their kids. So whilst I'd hope that we'd have adult time, I wouldn't be expecting it, as such. Me and my partner are currently childless and love hanging out with our friends' kids though, so I guess it's different for people who don't like hanging with kids.

@pictish

I used to have a friend who would totally misread the room and pushing try to make us all do what the kids wanted to do. An example was being invited over for a coffee and catch up but finding myself plonked at the dining table to play Buckaroo with the kids...and we’re not talking about toddlers either, primary aged. There isn’t enough fuck or off to deal with that.

I just find this kind of sad that you don't like your friend's kids enough to play with them for a while.

My view is that if you have a friend with kids, then you are friends with the kids too. But I suppose not everyone shares that view.

I would never dream of taking my child along if I was meeting a friend but sometimes it can't be avoided if you have no one to leave the child with.

Maybe I'm odd, but two of my best friends both have kids and I adore them. I rarely see them without their kids, which is fine by me - they're a part of their life now! I never feel like they don't "pay me enough attention" when the kids are there. In fact I usually find they're glad to have another grown-up and make a big effort to talk to me - sometimes it's me running around with the kids!
I don't have any of my own, but would like to one day.

I do not have children and find the children of my friends very tedious.

It’s not that I actively don’t like them, I care about their well-being in general and enjoy seeing them occasionally, but they dominate every meeting. Even with the best intentions on my friends’ parts, they cannot ignore their young children. The kids get bored easily so much of the meeting is spent keeping them entertained. I don’t mind it as much if we are somewhere kid friendly, like the zoo or the beach. In those cases I’m fine to hang out with my friends and the kids because at least the kids are having fun so are more pleasant. It’s when we simply meet up for a meal or at someone’s house and the children are present and get bored that it’s just not overly nice for me.

I accept that this is just the way it is but I do wish that sometimes I could still see them without their kids.

I have four children, I love them, I'm interested in what they're doing, I find them fun people to be around and interact with etc. I am absolutely not interested in anyone else's children. I can't think of one friends child that I am even vaguely interested in interacting with beyond saying hello.
My oldest childhood friend doesnt have kids yet but she adores mine and is an 'Aunty' to them but otherwise I can't think of any other friends that are super involved with my children. I don't think you need to be upset about it OP. Some people just aren't interested.

There is give and take on both sides. I'm childfree but my closest friend won't do anything without her kids and I'm expected to go along with it. No chance of 1:1 time (even though she could as she has a hands on partner). Everything is to her timetable with no flexibility as it's for the kids routine. Doesn't want to miss bedtime or anything.

It's hard work. What's annoying is she can go on nights out with other mum friends, but won't entertain it with me.

I do like her kids too, but I'm friends with her, not her kids and some occasional fun without them would be wonderful.

I have children and, love then dearly as I do, I actively much prefer meeting up with my adult friend without them. Otherwise I am on constant child-watch and unable to fully enjoy the company of my friend and am sure I am incredibly tedious company for them, the conversation going exactly as Smidge said!

Meeting up with another friend with similar agreed children can be a different matter as the meeting may be about your adult relationship (in which case no kids is better) or it may just be for mutual support in the trenches of parenthood (and hopefully the children entertaining one another to some extent!)

I can completely understand your feelings, OP, but I think it is just a feeling and not your friend trying to make a point or any comment on your, I'm sure, lovely child. It sounds like she was trying to be quite tactful, tbh. The same goes for not being interested in your child in general. Some people genuinely seem to be truly interested and delighted in all the little people around them and I think those people are wonderful, kind and admirable, but not everyone can be that way (and I'm certainly not).

Don't take it to heart and enjoy the grown-up time alone if you can.

Some people don't really like children. It's no reflection on your DS or your friendship

I remember when DS was tiny, a couple we're friends with, invited us all for lunch. The man was totally engaged with DS. His wife didn't acknowledge DS at all. DH is usually quite oblivious but even he noticed that she was actively ignoring DS. Even though they'd asked us to bring DS, after that, I just made sure I didn't have DS with me when I met her. Otoh I had a friend who never had DCs but always asked me to bring DS with me when we met. She was always an absolute star with him.

Adult conversation constantly interrupted by children is so irritating if you’re not used to it. I was the first of my friends to have kids and by default would leave them with my DH if I met up with friends. When you become a parent you learn to deal with interrupted conversation but if you’re not a parent, it’s so annoying.

Having a child there changes the dynamic. At that point you and your friend aren’t equal; you - by dint of your child - have priority. If your friend wants to talk she doesn’t want a conversation along the lines of what Smidge posted, where you’ve only ever got a fraction of the other person’s attention and suddenly none because their child has tried to eat a snail. Usually followed by “Right, sorry, what was it you were saying?” as you tried to talk about something that’s important to you.