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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband upset over a glass of water

196 replies

Lullaby88 · 09/01/2021 07:58

I am currently a SAHM with my 3 year old daughter. I cook, clean and keep obviously take care of my daughter. I am 5 months pregnant too.
My husband has been helping out a bit more due to the pregnancy but has no idea how to cook and will not step foot in the kitchen. Which doesnt really bother me too much as he works full time in a stressful role.
However, when bringing my food from the kitchen I tend to let him get his own food and water. Now many times he has drank my water when iv got up to get something and its completely pissed me off as i have to get up again and tbh i just want to sit as my back gets sore standing in kitchen cooking whilst pregnant. Anyway iv said nicely like cant u just get ur own water?

Now ydy we got a takeout and I got my water and we started eating. He grabbed my cup and drank many gulps. And i was pissed off. I said are you for real?? And hes like what? I just took a few sips and i was like u get up now and fill me a glass of water and bring it here. He did it. But he came back angry shouting saying why cant u just get me a glass of water when u get urs and he said u just wait and see after ur pregnancy i am doing nothing for u. Ul see it coming. And all these threats.
I burst into tears and i was like u fkn bstrd i hate you ur a dk and i just couldnt stop swearing at him and crying. I told him i wont live with threatning behaviour and il leave him for someone who is kinder to me. And i took myself away.
I think he felt bad as he came to bed and hugged me but im just so angry with him.

OP posts:
GloGirl · 09/01/2021 08:01

I'm so sorry he sounds genuinely dreadful Sad

Shoxfordian · 09/01/2021 08:02

He doesn’t sound very supportive
Is he usually like this? I don’t understand why he wouldn’t have just got his own water if that’s your system

DameFanny · 09/01/2021 08:14

He's a grown man that won't set foot in the kitchen and won't cook?

Did he marry you so he wouldn't starve to death in his own filth because he's incapable of basic self care?

And instead of being grateful to you for rescuing him from death he's stealing the water from a woman that really needs a sit down, and telling you he expects to be waited on hand and foot?

Well - it's not in the slightest bit acceptable. And the shouting at you is abusive, but do you know if it's in or out of character? Has he ever been grateful for all you do for him? How was he when you worked as well, did he recognise that? Or were you still doing everything?

If he's not a generally abusive person, you need to find a way to reset the balance so he's not seeing you as his servant. That might be as simple as sitting down when you're both calm and talking to him about how he makes you feel - using 'I' statements like 'when you drink my water rather than get your own you make me feel like you don't care about me being tired' sort of thing. If this doesn't make a difference, you can suggest some couples counselling, to help you both find your voices with a trained counsellor.

If he doesn't want to talk to you about this, with or without a counsellor - what are his parents like? What's the dynamic between them? Is he repeating behaviour he's seen growing up? You'd have to find a way to break the cycle - maybe by just not doing anything for him for a bit. You're a stay at home mother not a stay at home maid, so remind him of that?

And if he responds to any of the requests to talk with more anger, insults or threats - he's abusive. Talk it through with women's aid - depending on where you are your local service may be easier to get through to than the national helpline - and see what your options are.

But please don't paper over the cracks - in 3 or 4 months you'll have a newborn as well as the 3yo, and you'll be so much more vulnerable.

Original poster
Lullaby88 · 09/01/2021 08:15

He is like this from time to time yes. Sometimes iv just let it slide but then i feel like rubbish like why did i let him get away with that. And sometimes like this time il hav a massive outburst so itl hit home a bit harder and obv because im upset.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lullaby88 · 09/01/2021 08:21

Sometimes i really dont know if he is being abusive to be honest. He will substitute 'him cooking' by buying food from outside.
And yes it is repeated childhood behaviour. His parents molycoddled him clearly. I distance myself from them and dont make an effort so the relationship os formal.
His threats are empty in my opinion and said in anger. But still are hurtful.

OP posts:
DameFanny · 09/01/2021 08:22

You're having massive outbursts because you're not dealing with things as they go, so it builds up as resentment until you blow.

But when your say he's like this, do you mean selfish and lazy, or do you mean shouty and abusive?

MrsMomoa · 09/01/2021 08:32

He is a grown man and a lazy twat!
And is more than capable of getting his own drinks.
Yeah, if you're getting yourself a drink, it's easy to get him one too, but that is beside the point.
You are pregnant, so he should be helping out too.
You do the food, he does the drinks.
Sounds like soon you'll have 3 children!

You deserve better Op.

FippertyGibbett · 09/01/2021 08:37

I think most people are finding life hard at the moment, plus you’re pregnant with all that brings.
So take yourself back to when we weren’t in lockdown and you weren’t pregnant, what was he like then ?
If he was the same as now, I’d consider my options if I were you 💐

SheldonesqueIsUnwell · 09/01/2021 08:38

If this is your life you need another one.

Somebodyotherthanme · 09/01/2021 08:39

It all sounds a bit messed up.
He needs to work on this not setting foot in the kitchen rubbish, but I don't understand why if you are getting your own water you don't just bring a glass for him?
I know there is a subsection of MN who seem to think that doing anything for their dh is a heinous betrayal of modern womanhood, but life's not really like that.

MotherExtraordinaire · 09/01/2021 08:41

I don't understand why whoever lays the table isn't sorting the drinks and condiments tbh. That's what happens in every home I know of!

The irritation I fully get. Your reaction was ott though. And I would be saying the above re cutlery etc.

His reaction was ott as well. And tbh not acceptable, but your initial reaction sounds so ott and often we respond based on how we're spoken to.

ivfbeenbusy · 09/01/2021 08:44

In his defence you get yourself water to
Have with dinner - you know he drinks yours - just take a glass with your? Really not hard is it? I think you are massively over reacting 🤷‍♀️

Weirdwonders · 09/01/2021 08:52

Look it’s not the end of the world is it. Only you know what he’s like. You’ve said yourself that he works in a stressful role so maybe there’s more to this than just water. Have you spoken to him about what the issue is? I know the fact he works doesn’t mean you have to wait on him hand and foot but maybe he sees you getting him a glass of water or not as a gesture of appreciation. It’s all very well people telling you to consider your options but you’d be better off communicating with him.

Moomum123 · 09/01/2021 08:52

I voted YABU just pour two glasses of water - you’re a family, you take care of each other. If I make myself a cup of tea I ask my husband if he’d like one, likewise if he’s in the kitchen making a coffee he’ll ask if I want one. You had a go at him and he had a go back, you say he threatened you, but you were swearing at him - neither of you are covered in glory here. You’re pregnant and your back aches, have you told your husband this, and has he told you about his day- you’re aware he has a stressful job - why aren’t you talking and being kind to each other?

Original poster
Lullaby88 · 09/01/2021 08:52

I cant reason with that. He gets his food on the plate and has a spare hand too. So why cant he just fill up a glass of water? It sounds ridiculous but i dont have 3 hands. And also i used to use a tray but i dont carry it in pregnancy as its heavy/ could fall.

OP posts:
christmassausages · 09/01/2021 08:52

Can a jug of water not be put onto the table for everyone to use at dinner time?

Original poster
Lullaby88 · 09/01/2021 08:56

Jug is an idea.
Also he threatned me before I shouted back as it has built up as someone mentioned. I do feel resentful as if he asked me can i make u a coffee like ir hubby does mayb id be more reciprocal in these gestures. Yes he buys me food. But he rarely aske me if i would like a coffee or a tea as he is too lazy to make one himself.

OP posts:
BoyTree · 09/01/2021 08:58

In his defence you get yourself water to
Have with dinner - you know he drinks yours - just take a glass with your? Really not hard is it?

Yet it's too hard for the person who didn't even cook to do? Why are you excusing this selfish bellend?

Terracottasaur · 09/01/2021 08:58

He sounds like a horrible bastard - no wonder you’re at the end of your tether with him Sad

Original poster
Lullaby88 · 09/01/2021 08:59

Also once i got him his water and he actually said I dont like that glass and swapped with mine. Hence the irritation has built even more. Like it sounds so petty but really?

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 09/01/2021 08:59

He sounds awful. What is he going to do if you need to be hospital for a couple of days when the baby is born. Will he make any food for your younger child?

KatieGGGG · 09/01/2021 08:59

He needs to stop shying away from the kitchen under the get out he has “no idea” how to cook. A child can put something in the oven, chuck rice meat and veg into one pan, or read and follow a recipe.

I don’t know why being 5 months pregnant is stopping you from getting water tbh whoever cooks sets the table with drinks in most situations I’ve been in.

A jug for the table is a brilliant idea.

CrotchBurn · 09/01/2021 08:59

I just cant imagine bringing a glass of water over for myself and not the other person. If it's that big a deal why dont you bring two glasses of water and ask him to bring in the plates?

This is weird

SaltyTootsieToes · 09/01/2021 09:00

This seems a really massive argument over a glass of water. Are there other issues going on here?

If this is really and truly about getting each other a glass of water, please use this opportunity after this massive row to discuss it. No more drinking from each other’s cups.

When I make dinner, I set the table. That includes putting a jug of water and glasses on the table. Why not try that? I put the food on the table too for people to help themselves from serving plates (or wok, do lots of stir fries)

If you’re not setting a table but going in to the kitchen and playing up the food each person, when you’re putting out the dishes, put out a jug if water and glasses. Tell him he serves himself water as part of the meal and he’s to do this every time. If you’re both drinking more than one glass, why not bring a jug of water to wherever you’re sitting?

This is truly a small thing to have such a massive argument over. Is it more than this?

Somebodyotherthanme · 09/01/2021 09:01

So your dh does help out more as you are pregnant.
You don't really mind that he can't cook as he works full time in a stressful job, he'll bring in a takeaway so you don't have to cook but you can't get your head around bringing him a glass of water when you're getting one.
Aye, he sounds dreadful.