Husband upset over a glass of water

[Lullaby88]

I am currently a SAHM with my 3 year old daughter. I cook, clean and keep obviously take care of my daughter. I am 5 months pregnant too.
My husband has been helping out a bit more due to the pregnancy but has no idea how to cook and will not step foot in the kitchen. Which doesnt really bother me too much as he works full time in a stressful role.
However, when bringing my food from the kitchen I tend to let him get his own food and water. Now many times he has drank my water when iv got up to get something and its completely pissed me off as i have to get up again and tbh i just want to sit as my back gets sore standing in kitchen cooking whilst pregnant. Anyway iv said nicely like cant u just get ur own water?

Now ydy we got a takeout and I got my water and we started eating. He grabbed my cup and drank many gulps. And i was pissed off. I said are you for real?? And hes like what? I just took a few sips and i was like u get up now and fill me a glass of water and bring it here. He did it. But he came back angry shouting saying why cant u just get me a glass of water when u get urs and he said u just wait and see after ur pregnancy i am doing nothing for u. Ul see it coming. And all these threats.
I burst into tears and i was like u fkn bstrd i hate you ur a dk and i just couldnt stop swearing at him and crying. I told him i wont live with threatning behaviour and il leave him for someone who is kinder to me. And i took myself away.
I think he felt bad as he came to bed and hugged me but im just so angry with him.

Its very hurtful him saying that. But I dont believe him. He will help. He helped with my daughter a lot. Thyre empty threats and its not right. That is abusive. Its only because he doesnt actually do what he says he will and apologises after.

If he acted these threats out i would not be here he has said it in the past. I really dont know why he does this. But the pattern is he will say it and later he will say he didnt mean it and he will do the opposite after i express my emotions. I know its not healthy.

But the pattern is he will say it and later he will say he didnt mean it

Then I would sit him down and explain in very basic words to him that one day, when you are so so sick of this way of being that you can no longer even look him in the face without feeling a burning anger, you will decide that it doesn't matter one bit that 'he didn't mean it' - you will leave, and he will be on his own and he will no longer have his family because you have come to the conclusion that it doesn't matter if he means it, the problem is the bile and hatred he spews.

he will be paying for a cook to come in

Ah, another man buying his way out of a problem rather than addressing it? No!! He can learn to cook a few basic meals and stop acting like an entitled sexist CF. If you can't teach him then yes, maybe, get a cook who comes in to give him a hands on masterclass.

Seriously, you need to straighten this out or the future does not look good with this man. It ain't really about a glass of water is it?

If he doesn't stop, have a nice big glass of water in the kitchen & bring out a glass with salt in it !!! If he doesn't like it, you say, "was it yours ?"

Gosh Mumsnet is unreal sometimes.

No she doesn’t need to rethink her life choice nor LTB or get marriage counselling over an ongoing petty glass of water issue - yes they do both need to grow up but the OP also needs to choose her battles. The fact no one is mentioning is that he came to bed and hugged her which shows he knows he was wrong and loves her, and maybe he isn’t perfect and should really apologise, a case of stupid male pride, but the OP isn’t perfect either and admits this and to pour an extra glass of water which takes about 30 seconds wouldn’t undermine her equal rights as a woman. Pregnant or not.

BUT she has also said he is working FT in a stressful role and that she is a SAHM and enjoys this role and is happy to cook their meals while he takes on the responsibility of bringing in all the money, and that he is overall a loving and helpful partner - he has probably been working from home since March, a challenging situation which has undoubtedly put pressure on many marriages across the UK with families all coupes up under one roof all day every day, and cabin fever is also probably setting in during this latest lockdown - also she is well into a pregnancy and her hormones will be all over the place.

They love each other and they are struggling with something petty - but they are young and will learn over time that marriage is about give and take. But please stop all the mountain making and telling her to rethink her marriage when she is 5 months pregnant. It’s a glass of water.

What a pathetic bit of little man power he's displaying there.

You carry your food and your drink. he carries his food but somehow can't manage to carry his own drink? Fuck that.

I agree with the jug idea, but make him carry it - make him lay the fucking table or something!

My boys lay the table and do their drinks - one does the cutlery and crockery, the other does the drinks (they take turns). I always do my own drink and my husband always does his own drink (we have different things and it's easier to do it ourselves). If he picked mine up because he was too fecking lazy to get his own, I'd have Strong Words about that - but he does actually take turns with cooking as well and doesn't have your bloke's aversion to "setting foot in the kitchen".

OP,

He sounds very unpleasant and yes it is abusive.

Please go back to work.

Please don't have anymore children.

Please reach out for support IRL.

You have a long life ahead of you.
Be careful of having such a low relationship bar.

You are a vulnerable pregnant woman who has a threatening partner.

This is NOT good.

Please protect yourself.

@billy1966

OP,

He sounds very unpleasant and yes it is abusive.

Please go back to work.

Please don't have anymore children.

Please reach out for support IRL.

You have a long life ahead of you.
Be careful of having such a low relationship bar.

You are a vulnerable pregnant woman who has a threatening partner.

This is NOT good.

Please protect yourself.

It’s a glass of water. They are young. He always admits he is wrong after saying impulsive things. This is not good advice. She is pregnant. They got married. They need to work through their issues. That’s all.

I can't imagine having to bring someone else their water every meal for the rest of my life. It just sounds like being a servant - but without the pay.

And people don't magically discover respect for each other once it's gone. But you're in this relationship now, so I suggest you try and make sure your children don't learn to behave the same way.

Thank you so much.

OP maybe the line to take is that yes he has a stressful job and you understand that, but he doesn't get to take it out on you when the stress is bad. That you'll support him but you won't be his punchbag.

Stand up for yourself, but take the water out of the equation for now. Otherwise he'll use it as a reason to get bogged down in the detail without addressing the issues. Stick to the principles.

I agree with working through the issues rather than leaving. I am 5 months pregnant and want him to be there and give my marriage a chance. All I asked on this thread was if I was being unreasonable and people are telling me to leave him because he is abusive. My mind is blown!

@FrappuccinoLight

Gosh Mumsnet is unreal sometimes.

No she doesn’t need to rethink her life choice nor LTB or get marriage counselling over an ongoing petty glass of water issue - yes they do both need to grow up but the OP also needs to choose her battles. The fact no one is mentioning is that he came to bed and hugged her which shows he knows he was wrong and loves her, and maybe he isn’t perfect and should really apologise, a case of stupid male pride, but the OP isn’t perfect either and admits this and to pour an extra glass of water which takes about 30 seconds wouldn’t undermine her equal rights as a woman. Pregnant or not.

BUT she has also said he is working FT in a stressful role and that she is a SAHM and enjoys this role and is happy to cook their meals while he takes on the responsibility of bringing in all the money, and that he is overall a loving and helpful partner - he has probably been working from home since March, a challenging situation which has undoubtedly put pressure on many marriages across the UK with families all coupes up under one roof all day every day, and cabin fever is also probably setting in during this latest lockdown - also she is well into a pregnancy and her hormones will be all over the place.

They love each other and they are struggling with something petty - but they are young and will learn over time that marriage is about give and take. But please stop all the mountain making and telling her to rethink her marriage when she is 5 months pregnant. It’s a glass of water.

👏🏻👏🏻 could not agree more with all of this.

I would never spit in my husbands water. He is not my enemy. If i felt that bad about him i would hav left ages ago! Im begining to feel i have to defend him lol !

Missing the point of the thread, but why don't you just fill a jug of water and keep it with some glasses in the dining room/lounge? Up on a shelf or table where your 3 year old can't reach. Put some ice in it if you like it cold.

Yes its a good suggestion. And I am going to start doing this. Sound advice.

Also, funny how it’s never women with “stressful” jobs who have “no idea” how to cook and “won’t set foot” in the kitchen. It’s never men who “don’t mind” since they “love cooking and being a SAHP”.

This made me smile - this is literally me and my DP. I have a highly demanding stressful job (my DP does too but he handles stress far better than me and doesn't let it get to him), I have "no idea" where to start in the last kitchen so I rarely cook - he does 90% of the cooking, and he enjoys it. And he would literally jump at the chance to leave his job and be a SAHP.

It is "just" a glass of water, but it's the attitude that she should be serving him that's problematic, and the rigidity that he won't even try to learn to cook/set foot in a kitchen.

So rather than learn a simple & useful skill he'll get a takeaway or expect family to rally round. What would happen if OP is out of action for any length of time? He's a capable and competent adult, he should be willing and able to pick up tasks around the home as part of a team.

And if/when OP goes back to work, he should contribute to running the household equally, otherwise she'll be coming home to cook, clean and do childcare on top of working.

It's something that needs setting straight between them

Surely telling her to spit or put salt in his water is bullying?? Behaviour he’s getting shot down for?? OP do the glasses and jug idea. Is he under stress with work and the baby?? Doesn’t excuse his behaviour but I think a good sit down and a chat would sort it I would say this is abusive I think people are putting that thought in your head.

He is under stress yes he has just started a new job role and position.

Or you know, he could bring a jug of water & glasses through, while she brings the plates or whatnot.

@StephenBelafonte

spit in your water glass and make sure he sees you doing it

I can't believe this is actual genuine advice. 🙈

Op where was your 3 year old whilst you were working at each other and he was threatening you?

Even if you know he doesn't mean (think he doesn't. .) how damaging do you think it is for her to hear that, and later to understand the words?

You really need to sit down and communicate about the problems / stresses in your life and of you can't, then seek counselling or similar support

Also this whole "oh bless him he CAN'T do house stuff" is so short sighted when you have children.

What happens if you have an EMCS A and you're in hospital for 3 days? Are you sending your daughter away?
Are you going to bf? What happens when baby is cluster feeding and you can't get in the kitchen looking enough to cook?