Husband upset over a glass of water

[Lullaby88]

I am currently a SAHM with my 3 year old daughter. I cook, clean and keep obviously take care of my daughter. I am 5 months pregnant too.
My husband has been helping out a bit more due to the pregnancy but has no idea how to cook and will not step foot in the kitchen. Which doesnt really bother me too much as he works full time in a stressful role.
However, when bringing my food from the kitchen I tend to let him get his own food and water. Now many times he has drank my water when iv got up to get something and its completely pissed me off as i have to get up again and tbh i just want to sit as my back gets sore standing in kitchen cooking whilst pregnant. Anyway iv said nicely like cant u just get ur own water?

Now ydy we got a takeout and I got my water and we started eating. He grabbed my cup and drank many gulps. And i was pissed off. I said are you for real?? And hes like what? I just took a few sips and i was like u get up now and fill me a glass of water and bring it here. He did it. But he came back angry shouting saying why cant u just get me a glass of water when u get urs and he said u just wait and see after ur pregnancy i am doing nothing for u. Ul see it coming. And all these threats.
I burst into tears and i was like u fkn bstrd i hate you ur a dk and i just couldnt stop swearing at him and crying. I told him i wont live with threatning behaviour and il leave him for someone who is kinder to me. And i took myself away.
I think he felt bad as he came to bed and hugged me but im just so angry with him.

Without knowing what he's like all the time, it's difficult to say whether you should be thinking of leaving or not but it does sound like this is something that has built up. He hasn't seen the problem, but every time it's been niggling you until you snapped. He should have paid attention to you earlier, but it got to a point where it wasn't 'just' the water, it was months of you feeling annoyed and him not listening to you, so it became about more than the water.

So water is going to be a bit of a sticking point at the moment, because both of you feel that the other is being completely unreasonable (personally, I agree with you that he should get his own).

So, I'd change the system entirely.

You're cooking, he sets the table — he could get your DD to help if you all eat together? It's a good chance to practise counting knives, forks, spoons and glasses. Also, give everybody the same glass! In your twenties you don't need to have favourite glasses. Then, put a jug of water on the table, and there won't be a problem.

With that removed (because honestly, at this point it's clouding judgement for both of you — you feel resentful, he feels got at), you can see what he's like the rest of the time.

Nip this in the bud otherwise it will not end well.

A jug of water on the table, two jugs if you are that thirsty, everything else sounds very much over the top behaviour.

It is rare I don't know where to begin but let's stick with practicalities said by a woman whose dh of 30 years does not cook (and that's fine because I knew that and I love cooking).

1. Why can't you carry a tray at 5 months pg; do you not pick up your younger child?

1. If you need a tray to take things from room to room, how big is your house - Chatsworth?

1. I assume a table isn't set while the lunch/dinner is cooking, so assume further you eat off laps somewhere.

1. If there is a table why don't you set it and eat at it and put two glasses of water on it?

1. Does he not realise how unhygienic it is to drink from another person's cup or glass?

1. You don't mention whether he does any other jobs to share the load - if so what are they.

Overall sounds like six of one and half a dozen of the other.

Why can’t you pour 2 glasses of water? It’s a bit selfish to only fetch a glass for yourself. Or just put a jug of water on the table?

Did he even know the water was ‘yours’ not to share or for him? You said you were eating takeaway so presumably you hadn’t been standing up cooking or carrying plates of food/dishes out of the kitchen?

@Lullaby88

Sometimes i really dont know if he is being abusive to be honest. He will substitute 'him cooking' by buying food from outside. And yes it is repeated childhood behaviour. His parents molycoddled him clearly. I distance myself from them and dont make an effort so the relationship os formal. His threats are empty in my opinion and said in anger. But still are hurtful.

People who aren't in abusive relationships don't ask the question 'Maybe my partner is being abusive?'

It doesn't matter what the answer is. The fact that the question exists for you should be enough to convince you to leave.

@ivfbeenbusy

In his defence you get yourself water to Have with dinner - you know he drinks yours - just take a glass with your? Really not hard is it? I think you are massively over reacting 🤷‍♀️

I agree. You say you don’t mind he doesn’t cook so you can’t complain he doesn’t but I do find that odd does he watch your child while your cooking?? Or is he just sat around? He probably just got stressed as you say he has a stressful job. He shouldn’t have said those things but did you over react being hormonal?? Maybe you need to sit him down and talk about it as you will need more help when the baby is here.

Is the child not his as well?
Does he ever have 3 yr old on his own?
You keep saying "my" child
Like it is not his too
So for three years you haVe done everything for you and child right? Not left child with him or expected him to take her out or do anything?
Nothing will change if you dont change

So he treats you badly but is nice sometimes
That is a bullly
Speak to your midwife

I always make sure everyone has a drink at mealtimes. If you're getting a glass of water for the meal, you should IMO ask him if he wants one too or just do him one. Likewise, he should get you both a drink too.

However, you not doing him a drink does not warrant his behaviour in any way. Him drinking your water is selfish. Him not getting another water is lazy. And him not preparing any meals for his family when you clearly want him to is diabolical. He is abusive OP.

I suppose this is where you deviate from being a servant, because he wouldn't steal a servant's drink.

He doesn't have respect for you. He literally is above walking to the kitchen and getting himself water??

If you're one of those women who just come here to vent then trudge back to it, buy a carafe or a water jug for the table, and get on with it. But I hope you know you deserve better.

Using text speak EG: 'ur' and 'u' and 'u fkn bstrd i hate you ur a dk' makes me think you are fairly young. Maybe you need to get your husband to come and get his food from the kitchen when its ready? No?

Thanks for all the advice, our daughter we had together he is the father. He does help out with bathtime and does our laundry (not ironing). He does clean on the weekends like bathrooms as I dont use bleach at the moment so he will bleach the bathrooms. Its just the kitchen. And the issue is about the water.
Theres quite a mix of opinion here but I do not want to leave him I think he has good qualities too. But this incident has blown me off.
Do we have additional problems? Ofcourse we do. He does nap a lot but on some days he doesn't and we will have good family days out. Its not consistent.
I can't just leave him, I would rather work on these issues and if things get worse then id consider it. If it improves il stay.
We have a child and another on the way because we were in a happy place. This issue is new and has happened over the past month.
I used to work prior to my daughter but I have been placed on early mat leave and furlough due to covid my employer decided i am better of not returning to work. I love being a mum to my daughter and with all thats going on id rather we stay home and safer and most likely i would love to dedicate my time to 2 kids and will return to work after they start school/nursery.
I cook just before lunch and my husband is working from home upstairs. My daughter stays with me in the kitchen and likes helping me with bits and bats and watching how I make the food.
All this is in response to the posts I have read.

Jeez- who on earth are the parents who bring up such an entitled little prick? He has learned to be this way and the problem is your children will grow up seeing this behaviour thinking it's normal too.

Seriously start planning your future without him.

Well, it's not really about the water, is it?

has no idea how to cook and will not step foot in the kitchen. Which doesnt really bother me too much as he works full time in a stressful role.

THIS is the issue.
He needs to get an idea of how to cook. He's a grown-up. My household (male DP and female lodger) and I all work full time in stressful and busy roles but still manage to buy and cook food.

Give him a kick up the arse.

I have decided if I return to work sooner he will be paying for a cook to come in. If he doesnt help me out with it.

Jesus ducking christ, do people still live like this in this day and age? A husband in an “important” and “stressful” job who “couldn’t possibly” set foot in the kitchen and has threatened to lift even less of a finger. A full time SAHM who “doesn’t mind” as she “likes cooking”. Two kids in your 20’s with this twat? It really sounds like the dynamic I grew up with in my S Asian family in the 90’s. I thought we had left this kind of thing behind. This isn’t about the water. It’s about control and treating you like his maid. Have higher standards OP.

This isn't about water. It's way bigger than that

I'd try to get back to work when possible, don't be a SAHM, it leaves you financially vulnerable

spit in your water glass and make sure he sees you doing it

How does he treat your daughter OP? If your next child is a son will he treat them differently growing up, will you daughter be expected to wait on and serve him too while his son puts his feet up? Break the cycle for gods sake OP.

Also, funny how it’s never women with “stressful” jobs who have “no idea” how to cook and “won’t set foot” in the kitchen. It’s never men who “don’t mind” since they “love cooking and being a SAHP”.

He believes men and women are equal and is modern minded in all other aspects. I think because he is working full time our dynamics are looking quite traditional. It works for some people. But i choose to change that in the future. The funniest thing is he was bought up in a modern home. His Dad would do most the cooking so I am a bit confused as to how he never saw that as a role model? He is a good dad to my daughter.

If I have a son i will make sure that my daughter and him will be treated the same. My husband says the same thing but he isnt being a role model right now? Regardless I will teach my kids equality. After all i spend the most time with them.

If you dont eat at the table and are bringing through your own plate and drink you wouldnt have spare hands to bring him a glass of water. But if you had a spare had, I guess it would make sense to ask him too. But why would he not get up and get himself one? His reaction seems to be a real issue here, threatening not to 'help' with anything after the baby? What kind of knob says that? This does not bod well for the future.

hows he going to feed you daughter if you have to stay in hospital or there is complaications

get his parents to do it?

he needs to learn basics just for his childrens sake

for what its worth i rarely get my dh a drink or him me but then we do our own thing mostly