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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband upset over a glass of water

196 replies

Lullaby88 · 09/01/2021 07:58

I am currently a SAHM with my 3 year old daughter. I cook, clean and keep obviously take care of my daughter. I am 5 months pregnant too.
My husband has been helping out a bit more due to the pregnancy but has no idea how to cook and will not step foot in the kitchen. Which doesnt really bother me too much as he works full time in a stressful role.
However, when bringing my food from the kitchen I tend to let him get his own food and water. Now many times he has drank my water when iv got up to get something and its completely pissed me off as i have to get up again and tbh i just want to sit as my back gets sore standing in kitchen cooking whilst pregnant. Anyway iv said nicely like cant u just get ur own water?

Now ydy we got a takeout and I got my water and we started eating. He grabbed my cup and drank many gulps. And i was pissed off. I said are you for real?? And hes like what? I just took a few sips and i was like u get up now and fill me a glass of water and bring it here. He did it. But he came back angry shouting saying why cant u just get me a glass of water when u get urs and he said u just wait and see after ur pregnancy i am doing nothing for u. Ul see it coming. And all these threats.
I burst into tears and i was like u fkn bstrd i hate you ur a dk and i just couldnt stop swearing at him and crying. I told him i wont live with threatning behaviour and il leave him for someone who is kinder to me. And i took myself away.
I think he felt bad as he came to bed and hugged me but im just so angry with him.

OP posts:
Onlinedilema · 09/01/2021 10:36

How will be cope if you have to stay overnight in hospital? How will he look after your child?
Do you think it would be worth you going back to work and him reducing his hours so that you both work and look after your children, maybe on a part time basis. I would suggest this to him.

Procrastination4 · 09/01/2021 10:38

@Lullaby88

I will take them ideas on board. There is more to this and its feelings of resentment ofcourse, it is a bit childish I admit we are in our 20s and still growing I guess. I dont want to break up with him, he has a nice side to him. Its just he can be very irritable and try and take advantage if i dont stick up for myself. If i was to stay in hospital then he would buy meals. He wont cook. Happened with my first child which is ok as he bought meals for me and our parents supported us too.
“Being in your twenties” is no excuse for this behaviour (and I’m probably more focused on your husband’s than your own, here.) We had our children in our twenties and if my husband had acted like this I don’t think I’d be still with him. A high pressured job is also no excuse. You have a three year old daughter and another baby on the way, so you need to start controlling your behaviour, behaving like responsible adults and modelling a good relationship for your children, if you plan on making a go of your relationship. I get the “no cooking” thing. My husband hasn’t a clue-probably due to being the only child of a doting mother. However, he does all the laundry (every bit of it, from sorting to washing to ironing to putting it away) and he clears up after I’ve cooked. Whether you’re pregnant or not, your husband needs to do his fair share around the house too.
AndcalloffChristmas · 09/01/2021 10:39

Also I would start making plans, and then following them through, to leave him.

Miramour · 09/01/2021 10:41

@SaltyTootsieToes

This seems a really massive argument over a glass of water. Are there other issues going on here?

If this is really and truly about getting each other a glass of water, please use this opportunity after this massive row to discuss it. No more drinking from each other’s cups.

When I make dinner, I set the table. That includes putting a jug of water and glasses on the table. Why not try that? I put the food on the table too for people to help themselves from serving plates (or wok, do lots of stir fries)

If you’re not setting a table but going in to the kitchen and playing up the food each person, when you’re putting out the dishes, put out a jug if water and glasses. Tell him he serves himself water as part of the meal and he’s to do this every time. If you’re both drinking more than one glass, why not bring a jug of water to wherever you’re sitting?

This is truly a small thing to have such a massive argument over. Is it more than this?

She explained very clearly the other issues - she is pregnant, tired, he keeps taking her water, he's threatening to withdraw support when the baby is born.

Sorry OP, he has been very unkind.

You both sound on edge, and that is understandable given the craziness of life at the moment. But this is not sustainable. Is there any time when you and he can talk calmly about changing the water routine, and how he can be more supportive?

AndcalloffChristmas · 09/01/2021 10:42

We once had an au pair who claimed he “couldn’t could” (he was generally an amazing au pair though) so i taught him! Grin And then I threatened to tell his Mum I’d taught him to cook so he couldn’t use the excuse at home!

No one inherently can’t cook. If he can drive, follow instructions on electrical good or to put up a furniture flat pack, or learn something new at work he can cook.

HighHeelBoots · 09/01/2021 10:44

He wants to be waited on. If you are cooking he should be helping with other stuff like drinks

Hangingover · 09/01/2021 10:45

I do all the cooking too and I don't get drinks or cutlery. I just yell to DP that it's ready, point out which is his and carry my own plate and cutlery in one hand and my drink in the other, DP does the same - he doesn't expect table laid and to be served - in fact if I call him and I'm still juggling a few bits he goes out of his way to carry as much as possible. If I had both hands full DP wouldn't say "can you grab me a drink too?" he'd get off his arse and fetch his own.

I can't imagine a grown man being too lazy to get his own water if you've just made the whole meal.

he said u just wait and see after ur pregnancy i am doing nothing for u

This is HORRIBLE OP what a petty nasty bastard. Sad

RandomMess · 09/01/2021 10:47

He needs to start setting the table, cutlery and drinks etc. A new job for him.

It sounds like very domineering behaviour to keep you as the little wife being a servant and doing as she's told 🤬

Sarahandduck18 · 09/01/2021 10:49

OMG he is so abusive. Please leave him before this baby is born and hope he doesn’t use the DCs to co trip you fir the next 18 years.

Sarahandduck18 · 09/01/2021 10:49

To control you!

Anotherdayanotherdollar · 09/01/2021 10:54

both of you are unreasonable and abusive

Lemmeout · 09/01/2021 10:54

Get a glass for him and a jug.
It sounds like this is a symptom of bigger issues.
He can cook. He doesn’t want to.

YouBeYou · 09/01/2021 10:56

@DameFanny that isn't what happened is it? Unless I misunderstood?

My understanding is they got a takeaway. OP got up to get herself a glass of water and didn't get DH one. DH drank hers. He then refilled it but was annoyed she didn't get him one in the first place. I'd be annoyed if I were him too.

In no way am I saying he isn't an arse. I'm saying that, based on that incident, OP is being unreasonable.

MrsWindass · 09/01/2021 10:57

I would never get a drink for myself without asking my H if he wants one and vice versa . These is just everyday kindness.

YouBeYou · 09/01/2021 10:58

@Nanny0gg - same as below. That isn't what happened - but I'm happy to be corrected.

They got takeaway. She got herself a drink.

If this was the other way round he'd be an abusive water with holder.

There are clearly other issues at play - which OP has explained but I'm giving my opinion based on this one incident. Which is what OPs thread is about.

Mix56 · 09/01/2021 10:59

I would say, If you want water, get your own, You don't get mine, or drink it behind my back, or swop the glass, I don't know what your game is but it makes me seeth. This is easily rectified so you use both hands like I do, or make two trips. or you bring in 2 glasses & a jug of water. (One glass of water isn't enough anyway.) you bring in 2 plates, or vice versa.
Or he can carry the fucking tray, with all of it as your back hurts.

caringcarer · 09/01/2021 11:01

If he can't/won't even get himself a glass of water when he is thirsty and instead takes yours we hat does he do when your child is thirsty and needs s drink? I can imagine him taking child's drink too to save him stepping foot in kitchen. I think he is your biggest baby. He and his awful attitude is your problem. You are pregnant with his child and not only will he not bring you a drink he actually takes yours away from you and when you ask him not to do that he shouts at you. If you had a sister who was being treated like this what would you advise her to do? If my dd told me this about SiL I would be very upset for her and think he was good enough for my dd. Your DH should be taking care of you when you are pregnant. What is he like about sharing other things?

Winterpaw · 09/01/2021 11:03

You will never do right according to him. He's set you up to fail. Even when you did bring him a glass once you didn't choose the "right" glass.

Your eyes have been opened, keep them that way and see him for what he is. A horrible person who has threatened to make your life worse after your baby is born. The glass of water is a red herring.

Whythesadface · 09/01/2021 11:08

So easy to fix this
Put both meals on the tray.
His job is now to take the tray to the table.
You get two glasses and a jug of water.
He can drink, or you just have an unused glass.
Ask him if he would like to learn too cook. For many men it becomes an enjoyable hobby.

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 09/01/2021 11:09

This isn't really about a glass of water OP, this about him expecting you to be his personal assistant and run around after him. Well done for losing your shit, it sounds like he is licking his wounds a bit but as pp say wait til everything has calmed down and talk to him. He needs to realise it is not acceptable but you mustn't back down now.

Rosebel · 09/01/2021 11:10

Neither of you sound reasonable. Your reaction was completely OTT and so was his.
You were both being equally horrible trading insults and saying nasty things to each other. Think you're as bad as each other.

Whythesadface · 09/01/2021 11:12

Fix the water glass problem, as it upsets you.
Then see what happens.
As the water could be masking other issues

tobedtoMNandfart · 09/01/2021 11:14

Fuck. Ing. Hell.
This is one of the saddest threads I've ever read.
It's not about the water.
It's not called 'helping out' when your life partner finally deigns to involve himself in parenting or domestic life.

You need urgent couples counselling. Or individual counselling if you have ANY concerns that he is abusive, I do.
It's probably irretrievable as your partner wants you to be his maid.
You know you are headed for 2 children with no help and more of this shit.

FWIW when I cook for my family I serve it and shout TEA. Everybody collects their plate, their own cutlery and any drinks. Afterwards they return their plate to the kitchen and thank me.
My youngest is 13.
But your adult husband can't manage this, instead depriving his pregnant wife. When she shows her reasonable annoyance he announces he is withdrawing all support what fucking support as soon as the baby is born.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this

LittleBearPad · 09/01/2021 11:18

Both is you sound utterly immature. Time to grow up. You have one child, you’re expecting another.

PicsInRed · 09/01/2021 11:19

Abuse often begins when the woman is pregnant as the perpetrator feels both more ownership over the woman and also feels that she is now trapped.

I would make plans to move back to family before the birth. It's so much easier to do this (practically and legally) with baby still inside.

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