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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband upset over a glass of water

196 replies

Lullaby88 · 09/01/2021 07:58

I am currently a SAHM with my 3 year old daughter. I cook, clean and keep obviously take care of my daughter. I am 5 months pregnant too.
My husband has been helping out a bit more due to the pregnancy but has no idea how to cook and will not step foot in the kitchen. Which doesnt really bother me too much as he works full time in a stressful role.
However, when bringing my food from the kitchen I tend to let him get his own food and water. Now many times he has drank my water when iv got up to get something and its completely pissed me off as i have to get up again and tbh i just want to sit as my back gets sore standing in kitchen cooking whilst pregnant. Anyway iv said nicely like cant u just get ur own water?

Now ydy we got a takeout and I got my water and we started eating. He grabbed my cup and drank many gulps. And i was pissed off. I said are you for real?? And hes like what? I just took a few sips and i was like u get up now and fill me a glass of water and bring it here. He did it. But he came back angry shouting saying why cant u just get me a glass of water when u get urs and he said u just wait and see after ur pregnancy i am doing nothing for u. Ul see it coming. And all these threats.
I burst into tears and i was like u fkn bstrd i hate you ur a dk and i just couldnt stop swearing at him and crying. I told him i wont live with threatning behaviour and il leave him for someone who is kinder to me. And i took myself away.
I think he felt bad as he came to bed and hugged me but im just so angry with him.

OP posts:
AiryFairyMum · 09/01/2021 09:29

Can you not eat in the kitchen? Then how far would you be carrying two drinks?

KarlKennedysDurianFruit · 09/01/2021 09:32

My DH doesn't cook, he'll cook for himself and DS but frankly he's not very good at it and I don't want to eat it (my choice not his refusal) , I also enjoy cooking, so I do cook dinner almost every night unless it's just reheating something from the freezer etc, but while I'm doing that and tidying round downstairs, he baths and puts DS to bed, then comes down lights the fire, sets the table after dinner he clears away and loads the dishwasher (I load the cooking pots etc as I dish up). Sometimes he'll put water on the table sometimes I do, or I'll ask if he wants a glad of wine/beer with dinner, I don't begrudge that just because I'm cooking. But this isn't about the glass of water because yes you could easily do that, but you have no balance in your relationship, he sees it as your job and that's the problem, so every little thing you just feel more and more put upon and devalued.

thelegohooverer · 09/01/2021 09:36

Dh is more naturally organised than I am, and if we sat down at the tv to eat, he’d be more likely to have sorted a glass of water for himself than I would.

But when I wanted a drink, I would get up off my ass and go to the kitchen and get one. I just cannot fathom reaching over, drinking someone else’s water and not, at a minimum getting up immediately and replacing it.

My mind boggles at the posters who think yabu not to bring him his water. There are some serious self esteem issues here. Would they also be ok with someone drinking from their glass?

It might be more effective give next time to take both plates, and say “you grab the drinks and the cutlery” because people have a way of digging their heels in stupidly when they’ve been challenged on an issue.

Eckhart · 09/01/2021 09:40

@AiryFairyMum

Can you not eat in the kitchen? Then how far would you be carrying two drinks?
Is this a serious comment? Do you think the issue is about the distance the glass of water needed to be carried?
SlippersForFlippers · 09/01/2021 09:40

I usually cook in our house. When it's nearly ready my husband will come and sort out plates, cutlery and drinks for us both.

In the day if either of us are making s drink we offer one to the other.

feelingfree17 · 09/01/2021 09:41

He’s a bully. There will be a pattern and a cycle to his behaviour. Tell him he is in charge of setting the table including drinks for both of you. Clearly believes he is above this. He also needs to take some responsibility in the kitchen too, especially when you decide to go back to work to build a career for yourself, so you have the resources to leave him when it all becomes too unbearable. Remember you are equals.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/01/2021 09:44

Op where was your daughter when this was going on?

AThousandStarlings · 09/01/2021 09:45

Hmm - once this pandemic has passed - you need to leave your husband alone with the two children for a few days so they can "enjoy" some time together (go away on a course to keep your skills fresh/re-skill, go to see your mother or visit a friend). Alternatively send him and ALL the children (inc newborn) to his mother, (granny will support him, it will be nice to have them to yourself/herself etc) ..... for a long weekend (min 2+ sleeps away). Its really hard leaving the children for the first night ...but after the first night you'll prob wish you had longer to yourself ....AND .....you'll get uninterrupted sleep. Then repeat later during the year/school holidays so you are refreshed. I suspect a grumpy (exhausted) husband will return - with lashings of washing - or the house will be a complete mess. Stay calm - give him a good night sleep - and then make sure you talk about how hard 'his' trip with the children was.

Ticklemynickel · 09/01/2021 09:47

I think you're both unreasonable. Whoever lays the table gets the drinks here - if my DH forgot my water I might make a joke about our dining room being like the Sahara desert, not have a big row about it.

Sounds like you both need to learn how to communicate better.

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 09/01/2021 09:48

If he is not a downright selfish knob, I wonder if you can talk to him about doing things in a more team based approach?

Start small. You carry both plates and say “can you bring us both a glass of water”, or maybe to take the heat out of the water situation ask him to carry the plates.

In our house anyone getting water for the table gets it for everyone. My Dc have taken this job while I put the food out since they were quite young.

Talk to him about promoting a family approach to things: modelling for your child that one person puts all the drinks out, another clears all the plates. While one person moves the lawn another helps empty the cuttings or rakes.

If he is a controlling knob who expects a woman to wait on him and obey him .... well, I hope he is not.

peak2021 · 09/01/2021 09:49

A man who cannot cook and is not wanting to learn sounds awful to me. First thought was man child but it seems worse than that.

LagunaBubbles · 09/01/2021 09:49

Why are people blaming the op here? He's treating his pregnant wife like a maid.

Maybe they are frustrated at yet another sad story about children being brought into an abusive relationship.

Newkitchen123 · 09/01/2021 09:49

Is your first child also his child? Initially I thought no as the op refers to my daughter.
So I assumed not his.
Then op says it happened with my first pregnancy.

BooBahBoo · 09/01/2021 09:51

I'd stop cooking for him until he learns some manners.

Viviennemary · 09/01/2021 09:53

I couldn't live and provide for somebody who wouldn't even get me a glass of water. You are on thin ice I'd say. Your husband sounds totally fed up.

LannieDuck · 09/01/2021 09:55

Why not have a new rule that whoever hasn't cooked sets the table?

If he really doesn't want to ever cook, he can at least get the cutlery and the drinks for each meal.

ilovebagpuss · 09/01/2021 09:56

Well you know what he is like and you decided it would be great to have another child with him so not really much to add.
Personally I would not have settled down with someone who won’t enter the kitchen to share family life/jobs.
Sounds like 40’s/50’s man who comes in from his oh so hard job and wants his pipe and slippers.
You aren’t going to get much help with the baby and toddler are you he will probably be on of those DH’s that naps a lot because he is “so tired” and opts our id family life because of his stressful job.

B33Fr33 · 09/01/2021 09:56

He swapped for your glass? That wasn't some mi or thing. In an adult that's just about malicious control. Get rid.

thelegohooverer · 09/01/2021 09:57

In a good marriage or relationship people pursue an equality of generousity. When dh and I argue about whose turn it is to wash up, it’s not because we think the other one needs to pull their weight. We’re arguing because we both want the other to relax and take a break.

But if you’re in a relationship with a taker, this doesn’t work. You can’t make a taker be more generous by being generous. You can only wear yourself out and end up being a doormat.

It’s clear Op that you value and respect his (financial) contribution to the family. But does he value and respect yours?

Sometimes a workable solution is to change your type of contribution, go out to work if only financial earning is respected, and pay (equally) for the parts of family life that aren’t valued - childcare, household maintenance, housekeeping. And the huge advantage of this is financial independence.

But it’s still only a part-fix if the problem is being married to a taker, who doesn’t respect you.

gettingolderbutcooler · 09/01/2021 09:57

We are all dreadful at times- maybe especially at the moment. Have argued with my husband and just made up after some spectacular sulking on my part (#proud). 😬
I give a bit and he said sorry and we made up.

category12 · 09/01/2021 09:58

He's early 20s and thinks his girlfriend was put on this earth to serve him.

I despair, I honestly do.

Haven't either of you heard of equality?

BrimFullOfAsher · 09/01/2021 09:58

I mean, you are both definitely BU! He threatens not to do stuff for you after pregnancy, you threaten to leave him for someone else.

You both need to grow tf up. Why would you have TWO children with someone you treat like this? (question to both sides). Clearly neither treat each other as particular equals

oakleaffy · 09/01/2021 10:03

Sounds a bit strange not to get someone water with a meal?
It would take seconds to run the tap.
It's not like he is a horse, needing many heavy buckets of the stuff daily..It's a single glass :)

He works and has a stressful job, {So you say} so not getting him {or anyone else} a glass of water seems a bit daft.

Shouting rarely works, if you don't like getting him water, explain ''Why'', but I assume he helps pays the mortgage?

This could be a symptom of a greater malaise in the relationship..Bickering is extremely tiresome for both of you, so honest communication on both sides is much better.

mogtheexcellent · 09/01/2021 10:04

I cook. Dh in charge of cutlery glasses and water jug. He loads dishwasher after.

Is it so hard for you OH to do this?

oakleaffy · 09/01/2021 10:06

@BrimFullOfAsher

I mean, you are both definitely BU! He threatens not to do stuff for you after pregnancy, you threaten to leave him for someone else.

You both need to grow tf up. Why would you have TWO children with someone you treat like this? (question to both sides). Clearly neither treat each other as particular equals

Agreed. Provocative threats on each side.

Guessing OP and her husband are very young??

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