To ask what you think of SAHMs?

[HarryHarryHarry]

For the past 3 years I have been a SAHM. I never imagined that I would be one but I actually quite like it. Eventually I plan to go back to work but it could be that I just work unskilled-type jobs instead of having a proper career. I really don’t know what my options will be when the time comes. I might just stay home and focus on my writing, which is my real passion, or I might go back to university and retrain in something. (We are lucky that we can currently afford to get by on just one parent’s wages). Recently though I have been wondering what my children will think of me when they’re older. Especially my daughter. Am I a bad example to her?

If your mum was a SAHM, did you have any thoughts about that?

I'm also a SAHM I also think that we're lucky that we can also do it on one wage and extremely grateful that I've had the time with my son. I've also thought about going to university but I'm unsure on what to do

My mum was a SAHM, I loved her always being there never missing a school a event or even just being there when I got home from school to ask how my day was. Sadly she passed away 11 years ago when I was just 26 so I'm happy with the time we had together.
Sadly we can't afford for me to be a SAHM FOR my daughter or even for me to work part time

I haven't ever not worked and went back when both children were 5 and a half months. Don't worry what other people think of you can afford it and are happy. I don't have any opinion on other people working or not working but I like to be busy and the social element of work. I trained for 6 years and would hate to waste it. You do what is right for you. Take your time to think about the right path. Time spent with children is never wasted.

Your dc will adore you as a good mum whether you are a samh or not.
I have full admiration and respect for all good mothers tbh. Judgey people are those I have options on.

When I was little I liked having my mum available to pick me up from school and look after me. It only became a disadvantage when I was older and didn’t need or want that level of care any more, but she still had nothing else in her life other than being a mum. It made it very difficult for me to grow up and live my own life because I felt like I was just ditching her and she was left with nothing. If she’d had a job and hobbies I’d have felt a lot better about leaving her to it and living my own life.

I don’t have particularly strong feelings on it either way. I think it suits some families and not others.

I’m the main breadwinner in our family so it would never be an option for me to be a SAHM. I’m not sure how I would feel about it if it was an option. I really like my job, I like the lifestyle it brings us, and I like the sense of stimulation and purpose it gives me. I don’t know if being a SAHM would fulfil those gaps if I didn’t work. I also have amazing family very close by who are going to provide childcare, so I don’t have any qualms about who will be looking after my baby when my maternity leave ends.

But those are personal reasons - I wouldn’t judge any family who felt that having a SAHP was right for them, and I think child-reading is a very valid way for a person to occupy their time.

I'm going to be brutally honest and I may get my arse handed to me for this: I lost a degree of respect for my mum because after she had us she didn't really ever have anything much in her life other than her marriage and children.

I don't judge her exactly for it: it was the 70s, it was much harder to go back to work after children than it is now and she had her reasons. And she was very a very loving mother.

But after a certain point it was very clear that she resented the fact that there was nothing else in her life other than being a wife and mother but she didn't ever do anything about it except think wistfully back to her previous career. She was obviously unfulfilled and to some degree unhappy.

There are plenty of valid reasons for a woman to stop working when looking after small children and a lot of people don't have a choice. But I do think that to essentially give up everything other than motherhood and children does limit and reduce women in some ways. Not everyone is cut out for a career path and not everyone can work full time. But I think you need to something else in your life aside from your family to be properly fulfilled.

You are also very vulnerable if you are wholly dependent on someone else's income. It's a gamble and I would have reservations about setting the example to my daughter that I have none of my own income.

I don't judge and I think it's lovely to be able to be home but I also think it leaves you vulnerable. You need to be able to bring a wage in if your DH loses his job / gets poorly / runs off with the PA. So I'd probably try to keep career in a holding pattern or ensure that you study as you plan to just in case.

I am a SAHM. My oldest is 16. I like it. Sometimes it’s annoying and I can get bored - but that would likely be the case if I had a paid job too.
I considered it a form of unpaid work. I expect my kids to help out and to respect that I am also working- I’m just not paid for it

Not for me but everyone's different.

@Glenorma

When I was little I liked having my mum available to pick me up from school and look after me. It only became a disadvantage when I was older and didn’t need or want that level of care any more, but she still had nothing else in her life other than being a mum. It made it very difficult for me to grow up and live my own life because I felt like I was just ditching her and she was left with nothing. If she’d had a job and hobbies I’d have felt a lot better about leaving her to it and living my own life.

I agree with this. So long as you don't turn your kids into your hobby you'll be ok. It can be really stifling having a parent that is always there as an older child/teenager and I agree in feeling like I'd abandoned them after I left home. I also left home age 18 to break free.

I was a SAHM until my youngest was 6. I didn't particularly enjoy it but I was glad I did it because I really missed nothing. However I didn't keep my hand in career wise and when my marriage ended I struggled to get my career back on track. I feel quite disadvantaged as I was there trying to get ahead but as a single parent with no support. It's been incredibly difficult. If I'd worked part time earlier then it may have been easier. Perhaps that's worth thinking about.

My mum worked 3 jobs, just to be able to put food on the table.

When I had dd1 I worked 12 hr shifts in a factory for years. In the mornings I would take her at 6am to my parent's house.
I gave up work when I met DH to look after my mum who had developed dementia. I've been a SAHM since having dd2. I'm very lucky to be financially well off and don't have to worry about money.

Same as pp. my mum was sahm. She had no hobbies, interests or friends. Us kids were her life. I left home at 19. It was just too much.

I work FT. My kids love me and I’m sure they would still love me if I was PT or a SAHM. I don’t give a monkeys what randoms on the internet think. They will all have their opinions but they don’t genuinely care about me or my kids futures.

I'm currently a SAHM and will be for at least the next 6 years. It works for me, and I enjoy being with my kids, but my long-term plan is to retrain and do something very specific once my kids are in school, in order to fulfil my own sense of purpose.

I don't have or want children so I can't talk about SAHM from that perspective but my mum was a SAHM and I was and am really glad and grateful she was. I wouldn't change anything about my childhood. I'm sure I'd say the same if she was a WOHM though. As long as you're doing the best for your child (which means also doing the best for yourself) I would never judge you for staying home, working or a combination of the two. If anyone offers you their opinion, just ignore them because you will never please everyone so just concentrate on pleasing you, your children and your partner.

To ask what you think of SAHMs?

It’s a meaningless question. It’s too broad. No two SAHPs (m or f) are the same.

To set a good example to DC, I think you need to live a meaningful, purposeful existence, be happy and model good relationships.

I don’t know why we have this cultural obsession that we should earn our living from our passion which should be the thing we were originally educated in. They can be three different things. Voluntary work can be just as valuable as paid work. We wouldn’t have literature or art if everybody considered it somehow a bad example to work on spec. There are a hundred ways to live a life.

Wouldn’t following your dreams make you the best example to your DD? As long as you can pay your bills too? Write!

As an adult, seeing my mum in an unhappy and dead marriage with my dad but unable to leave because she has no money, I’ve got to be honest and say it does make me respect her less that she didn’t look after her financial future. I see her (and my dad, who is problematic for many other reasons) as an example of everything I don’t want to be. I also don’t think it’s fair for one person in the relationship to have sole responsibility for the finances - on the flip side, I don’t think it’s fair for one person to do 100% of the parenting either. My ideal would be both PT workers doing 50% parenting. I also have to admit I don’t respect women who stay at home past their kids being in school, especially secondary. It just seems incredibly indulgent to potter about doing degrees and hobbies while husband brings home the bacon, what if he fancies jacking it in to pursue his interests all day? (Same applies to SAHDs too, of course)

Being completely honest, I don’t understand it.

I would never put myself in such a vulnerable position to not be earning any money on my own and relying on my husband.

I enjoy working and socialising with other adults and stimulating my mind.

I want my children not to think women stay at home and look after kids but both parents have that role.

It creates an unbalanced relationship.

I want a higher quality of life. Either of us could stop working and we’d still be a high income household but why not have even more money to do nice things and have nice things ?

That being said I do appreciate the pros of being a SAHM especially until your child starts school.

I don't really have a view. Whatever works for your family. I've been a stay at home mum in the past (did it for eighteen months).

I sometimes roll my eyes when a mum, with school age children, is complaining about money being tight / being in debt, and is a stay at home mum. I always think you made your choice to be a stay at home, cut your cloth accordingly, or look for a job so there's a second income stream.

My mum was a stay at home mum, I have never had anything but the utmost gratitude and respect for her that she was always there for me and my siblings. She's a very selfless person - I didnt see that until I was an adult though.
That said we were very lucky that she was able to afford to do this. Ive certainly never felt a lack of respect for her not having a career. I loved her being around. Im a really ambitious person but I have to say its affected how I parent my own kids. I wanted them to have the same upbringing as me so Ive taken on jobs that mean I can be with them. I have sacrificed my career. Im not always sure I did the right thing in doing that. For myself i mean- as im sure they would have adapted just fine to me working a different job.
Neither stay at home mums or working mums are better than the other. But I certainly didn't respect my mum any less for not having a career.

@Serenschintte

I am a SAHM. My oldest is 16. I like it. Sometimes it’s annoying and I can get bored - but that would likely be the case if I had a paid job too. I considered it a form of unpaid work. I expect my kids to help out and to respect that I am also working- I’m just not paid for it

Out of interest, how old is your youngest? Have you been in any paid work since your 16 year old was born?

@thepeopleversuswork I appreciate your viewpoint! I’m hoping that won’t be the case with me as I have a lot of interests and hobbies and I would like to go back to working or studying. I do also have quite a bit of inheritance money from my parents so I’m not as vulnerable as I might otherwise be.

My mother was a SAHM, and seeing how much she hated her life, her marriage, and her kids had a profound impact on me. I think for her, giving up her career was the wrong choice, and she would have been happier working. But times were different. I have known plenty of women who seem happy being SAHMs, and I view taking care of children as legitimate work. I do not judge.

I think the point is that all women are different, and I'm glad we live in a time when there's a choice. I hate to think of women like my mother being coerced into doing it one way or another when they are suited for something different.