To ask what you think of SAHMs?

[HarryHarryHarry]

For the past 3 years I have been a SAHM. I never imagined that I would be one but I actually quite like it. Eventually I plan to go back to work but it could be that I just work unskilled-type jobs instead of having a proper career. I really don’t know what my options will be when the time comes. I might just stay home and focus on my writing, which is my real passion, or I might go back to university and retrain in something. (We are lucky that we can currently afford to get by on just one parent’s wages). Recently though I have been wondering what my children will think of me when they’re older. Especially my daughter. Am I a bad example to her?

If your mum was a SAHM, did you have any thoughts about that?

What about the weight of responsibility on your DH? As the sole earner?

Exactly what grassisjeweled said. If my dh said he wanted to be a sahd, quite frankly I would not agree. I don't want to be the sole earner for next 20 years till I retire

I don’t think anything tbh, just as they don’t think of me in my job . Unless their kid is in my class 🤣

My friendship circle is mostly very educated women in professional careers and I have noticed over the years that the ones who chose to be SAHM often suffer from anxiety or depression. It seems to me that these difficulties are why they chose not to go back to work after maternity leave rather than the result of staying at home. I think this is pretty unusual but most of my peers are very invested in academic and career success so are unwilling to give it up.
I’m glad not to be a SAHM as I fear if I stopped working I’d find it hard to start again - not only to get back in but to motivate myself. The SAHM I know spend their time shopping, exercising, cooking (they tend to have cleaners) . They had lost their confidence so don’t have lots of projects on the go as you might expect. Their working husbands are school governors. They won’t even volunteer for the PTA. Loss of confidence seems the most likely explanation to me as they are very capable.

I’ve been both a SAHM and a working Mum.

My own mother had a full time, demanding job and I thought that was what all Mums did until I was a bit older and realised that very few of my friends had Mums who worked full time. I also had friends who had Mums that didn’t work at all.

My view as a (school aged) child was this:

Unlike my friend’s Mums, my own never had time to stand around in ‘Mum’ groups chatting. I was dropped off early at school and from a very young age made my own way home.

Other Mums seemed to hang around school at the start/end of the day and always seemed to be there which I found weird.
They seemed to have a lot of free time to socialise. Friend’s Mums were definitely quite pushy and I sensed competition between them even back then.

It felt like I didn’t really have a Mum until I got home! But I really liked the fact that my Mum wasn’t always ‘around’.
Somehow she always managed to make it to important events (parents evenings etc) but never day time events like sports days or assemblies.

I definitely sensed that my life was more rushed. Mum was always on the go. She got back from work and cooked tea, did work around the house and life was really busy.
Weekends were all about catching up with chores and recuperating! A never ending treadmill. There was never any drama though. My friends would tell me all sorts of gossip they had overheard their Mums talking about - who had done what etc. - yet my Mum was oblivious.

I don’t think I missed out. I enjoyed the freedom and enjoyed being at home after school with my parents. I had a good balance of security and freedom.

After reading threads on here about how vulnerable you can be as a SAHP (less so if married, but still risky) I would never want to be without my own income.

My mom worked full time from as young as I can remember and I hated it. At the time I knew no different but when I look back on my childhood I realise how little a part of it she was.

When I had children I always said I would never work full time because I wanted to be around for them in the way my mother wasn’t.

I work two days a week and it’s a lovely balance. I do however realise I’m fortunate enough to be able to have choice to do that.

I went back full t. Feel we just chasing our tails. I can see benefit of one at home house runs smoother. Hate my current role. Part time is ideal. I was stay at home too for while

Vim
I agree. My Mum & Dad had a very ‘equal’ relationship. They both earned similar amounts and I never got the impression that one was more ‘important’ than the other.
They pooled their money but it belonged to both of them. If Dad had left (he didn’t) she would have just downsized and would have been self sufficient.

I think it’s foolish to make yourself financially vulnerable. I have always thought this even when very young. Now in my early fifties I see my contemporaries and how their lives have panned out and it’s not been pretty when relationships break down and they have been a SAHM.

I think it’s great if you can afford it. Just remember not to neglect your pension like I did :-(

My husband is happy with our current setup. His job is quite secure and he loves it. It’s his dream job. So he doesn’t feel that weight of responsibility.

I also think things have balanced out because my previous jobs and my savings allowed him to pursue this career and take up a position abroad where we now live. My inheritance will also pay for our home. And I pay for everything the children need myself. I feel fairly confident that we will never divorce. It’s been nearly 20 years and still going well!

My mum was told in the early-eighties that her employer would not put her forward for professional qualifications because she was a woman and would only get married and have babies. So that was that. She had me, then my brother, then went back to work part time when he was at school. No career for her. My dad worked overseas.
My mum was and is The Rock. She is the dynamo at the heart of our family, no question, and we are very close. I do feel sad sometimes when I think of what she personally sacrificed (although she herself would never describe it that way) and what she might have accomplished if she had pressed her case and developed her career.
I’m currently a full time working mum and I feel terrible that I hardly see my son during waking hours during the week. I don’t know what the answer is.

Every family is different and it's about what works for each family. There is no right or wrong. No need for anyone to pass judgment on how each family goes with what is best for them.

How do you pay for everything your children need if you don't work? Or do you mean your inheritance? @HarryHarryHarry

My mum was a SAHM. I didn't really give it much thought at the time, I don't think she enjoyed it but kept going and I suspect later regretted it in hindsight. What I didn't like was her pushing same agenda on me as a child as 'what mothers do' when I mentioned different careers I wanted to have.

She did retrain at university after, and seems to have more fulfilment in that to be honest.

That is just her, and not everyone. I think it's a very individual choice. I would see myself as a SAHM.

@namechangeforfriday and @Suaf I should say that I wouldn’t be doing a degree just for the sake of it but for the purpose of getting a job! So it wouldn’t be “pottering”. And I’m talking about doing it before or just after my children start school so still quite young. I don’t think I could be a SAHM past the age of about 6.

*wouldn't!

Thought nothing of it as a child and think nothing about it re friends now. But, I will be honest that when it comes to a work issue I don’t listen to my DM but will listen to my DDad because honestly, she has no idea!

I agree with @namechangeforfriday and @Yoshinori.

I think it's incredibly risky. You can trust your spouse all you want but if they die, decide to leave the marriage, become disabled, the house burns down, they get fired and cannot find a similar level of employment etc etc...it can all turn into a horrible mess.

I also think it's incredibly unfair to place that level of expectation and stress on someone. What if the working parent wants to take a break from earning and pursue their own interests and hobbies for a while? What if they want to change career paths to a more fulfilling vocation but cannot because of the resultant drop in earnings? What if they are being bullied or miserably unhappy in their job but cannot leave until they find a similar one because the family is depending on them solely? Conversely, it is not fair for one parent to be stuck with all the parenting either.

And honestly, I totally understand the need for parents being at home in the early years but once the children go to school, it seems very indulgent to continue the stay-at-home setup. There comes a point when your children simply don't need you to be there every moment and you're not missing anything as a parent if you aren't. I also think it is important to have a focus and interests outside the home and paid work, in whatever form, contributes significantly to that. It does not have to be a high-flying corporate career; that's not for everyone but even becoming an artist or starting a small business or whatever.

I feel strongly about this because I don't think women realise how often they limit themselves because of this SAH model. I know many females who cannot leave their abusive, unhappy marriages because they do not have a dollar to do so. And their worlds have gotten smaller as their children have hurried to leave the nest and start their own lives.

So to summarise, I think it's a great thing in the early years but after about 3 or so, I think it's best to get back to work. IMO.

I agree it’s not for everyone but in my particular case, my husband’s main interests/hobbies/passion IS his job so it’s not a burden on him. He also recognises that I have given up a lot to give us the life we have.

Also, as I said, I’m not planning to do it past school age.

My mum was a SAHM and we were constantly broke. She often complained that we had no money, even when I was at secondary school and didn’t need her at home.

It was nice her being there, but honestly from about 10/11 I’d rather she had more of her own life. As an adult I now worry about her pension and how to support her in later life.

It wouldn't suit everyone but I think some people are slightly bitter and envious of those who get to stay at home with their children.

An SAHM might consider herself fortunate to have the time at home with her dcs when the children are young and that others are secretly envying her. The tables turn once the dcs are in secondary school and are more interested in their friends. The unfortunate mothers who had no choice but to stay in work are now in senior positions with high pay and flexible jobs. She cannot hope to get anything more than a position well below her qualifications when she left the work force with no flexibility or a pt job that pays laughable wages.

I think a long term SAHM can feel pretty useless once the children fly the nest. Personally, I won't find much meaning to a life of hobbies and dabbling - sounds like groundhog day. It is early retirement when you are only in your early 50s. Well, the SAHM's job is in effect done once the children are gone.

I agree with the poster that the opportunity cost of not earning anything over 15-20 years is vast, not to mention the lost pension. It seems like such a waste to have an economically inactive life.

As for WOHMs missing school plays etc, many parts of the workforce are going to be working from home in the future. I am spending more time with dcs (teenagers) in lockdown because I am at home. Even if they were able to go to school, I would see them after they get home from school. I can keep an eye on their school work more. Make them snacks. I don't feel I am losing out much in terms of time with dcs by working ft now that I can work from home remotely. It feels like the best of both worlds.

I was one for 14 years (SN kid, OH working abroad at short notice, could just possibly have done it but would have been really challenging.) Fortunately he's not an AH and didn't ditch me, and I was lucky to be able to build a career once things stabilised, but I now see how at risk I was. Wouldn't do it if had a real choice and had to do over. Wouldn't recommend. If you want to and your eyes are open, press on. But beware.