To ask what you think of SAHMs?

[HarryHarryHarry]

For the past 3 years I have been a SAHM. I never imagined that I would be one but I actually quite like it. Eventually I plan to go back to work but it could be that I just work unskilled-type jobs instead of having a proper career. I really don’t know what my options will be when the time comes. I might just stay home and focus on my writing, which is my real passion, or I might go back to university and retrain in something. (We are lucky that we can currently afford to get by on just one parent’s wages). Recently though I have been wondering what my children will think of me when they’re older. Especially my daughter. Am I a bad example to her?

If your mum was a SAHM, did you have any thoughts about that?

My mum was a stay at home mum and I didn’t appreciate it one bit. I think I would have had far more respect for her if she’d had an interesting job she enjoyed.
I work and hope I’m setting a good example to both my daughter and son - that women can have a family, be a loving parent and still work. I don’t want my son thinking women are there to do the childrearing and a lot of the drudge jobs like cleaning and clearing up after everyone else

But after a certain point it was very clear that she resented the fact that there was nothing else in her life other than being a wife and mother but she didn't ever do anything about it except think wistfully back to her previous career. She was obviously unfulfilled and to some degree unhappy.

Same here. We have a poor relationship now - I don't feel she understands me very well.

I SAH when DD was tiny (worked freelance when she napped), and am still at home the majority of the time. I (controversially, probably) think it’s worth it for what the child gets out of it. She’s always been ahead on talking, reading, counting etc and I think lots and lots of one on one time with a caregiver has been integral to that. But I had no financial need to work, so that was an easy decision to make.

Personally I found it hard once friends finished their mat leaves. I love DD but was frequently bored and craved adult company. So I suppose I now look at SAHP and wonder how they cope with that.

Having said that I can also say that having got out of an abusive marriage I’d be struggling so much more than I am now (and it would have been a hell of a lot more difficult getting out) if I had been a SAHM. So I do agree it’s wise to consider the aspect of financial independence. However like someone upthread said if you marry a decent man who will not screw you over, I think it’s fine.

Ridiculous really, the name Sam is much better with no H

I often wonder whether I would have enjoyed being a SAHM if I’d been given the chance. I think I would have but I also think there’s a danger in it. I don’t know if I can explain it properly but it seems to often be a bit soporific and cosy. I don’t so much mean those with babies or those taking care of children with disabilities but where the kids are in school. I like the edge my job gives me... a bit of tension, a hard deadline, a serious incident to handle. I also like access to my own money. My friends are also mostly women who work - with or without children. My mum worked even when she didn’t ‘need’ to for financial reasons and obviously I just accepted it as normal. She re-trained for another career later in life too which also seems to be maximising all the aspects of her life. I like the feeling of moving forward.

My mother always worked and I was jealous of the children with mothers who were always home, now I'm the mum that always works.

I have no opinion on this as such because do what makes you happy and what works for your family - that's what's important. I sometimes feel like we live in a world where we care too much about what other people think.

I also personally think people underestimate how hard being a SAHM can be, so kudos to you - you're doing a brilliant job xx

I hate the faux comments 'what do they do all day' - would you honestly say that about someone who is retired?

People can be just as dull and boring whether they work outside the home or are a SAHP - or shock - I know people (yes men and women) who, for financial reasons, don't need to go out to work - are they dull and boring? Some are, some aren't.

I work outside the home now, but for many years I was a SAHM - but I am exactly the same person, does my 'job' suddenly make me more interesting ? . I had, and still have, a wide range of interests, volunteer roles etc which make me the person I am.

Let's be honest, most people are not brain surgeons or have a fascinating career in business - many jobs are really quite dull and people just go out to work to pay the bills - which of course is very important but don't pretend that every working person is suddenly much more 'interesting' than someone who doesn't have paid employment.

"I think some people are slightly bitter and envious of those who get to stay at home with their children"

I can see how my post could've sounded that way - but you're wrong. I just ensured I had personal financial security first without relying on someone else. I've never missed my children's events but they know that is due to hard work and the resulting financial independence on my part.

I also now work through choice at hours to suit me but would drop it if it meant not working around the kids

@Yoshinori

Being completely honest, I don’t understand it.

I would never put myself in such a vulnerable position to not be earning any money on my own and relying on my husband.

I enjoy working and socialising with other adults and stimulating my mind.

I want my children not to think women stay at home and look after kids but both parents have that role.

It creates an unbalanced relationship.

I want a higher quality of life. Either of us could stop working and we’d still be a high income household but why not have even more money to do nice things and have nice things ?

That being said I do appreciate the pros of being a SAHM especially until your child starts school.

This.

I do find my friends are in paid employment as I just find them more interesting to be with. Sorry but I’m being honest

"would you honestly say that about someone who is retired?"

Eh? Isn't that the first thing people think of when they think of retirement?!

My mother worked part time as a dentist, I remember feeling incredibly proud of her as this was in a time when there was only a tiny percentage of female dentists.
I have always worked but again part time and my daughter who is now a teen does question why some of her friends Mums don’t work now that they’re all at secondary school

I don't think you're a bad example to your daughter. You're showing her that a woman can have choices and can do what is right for herself and her family.

When I was a kid, my mam was at home. That was the case in most families at the time, though. I'm glad I was brought up by my mam instead of being sent to nursery or a childminder.

My mum was a SAHM but she had a very busy life & did lots of courses eg plumbing, upholstery, IT GCSE etc & we had nannies, au pairs, cleaner etc
She certainly didn't spend all her time with us or keeping house.

TBH, I think it's quite self indulgent to be a SAHM long term, makes you vulnerable if your relationship ends, and doesn't set a good example to your children. I also think it reduces gender equality for others. We'll only have gender equality in the workplace when more men are leaving work in time to collect children from school etc

I think the best arrangement is two parents working sensible hours and sharing parenting / housework

BUT I do think it's different if you have a child with ASN, and you're at home to cate for them

I am very happy to be a SAHM until my children reach school age. Who cares what anyone else thinks or does. Own your own decision, be proud of yourself for doing what is best for your children.

I think she had the right idea! I would consider not working if I had lots of childcare 😄

I work (not f/t & almost TTO) & mine are in school. I had 14 months off with each & that was plenty for me. My mum is great though & takes them for sleepovers, short breaks so we can holiday without etc.

I honestly don’t know how you do it, having been furloughed 3 times, I’ve nearly lost my marbles. I work part time usually but 5 days a week, I’ve got 2 kids and I do the housework.... I’ve got a balance, but staying at home is soo frigging boring. There’s only so much tv you can watch, I love tv but I bored of it already.

Before my child, I am had a decent career and post-grad qualifications. I was then a sahm until my ds went to school and then I was a CM during his time at primary. I also fitted in a term time job. Most people looked at me as a sahm, a lot of work was out of school care. Some close career friends evidently looked down on me. As my ds got older, friends became more critical. I've never judged friends choices, great parents come in all walks of life. I do feel that people judge sahm's though. I'm just sorry I let them bother me. Our mortgage is almost paid off, we could afford it! It's recently all changed, I got a new PT job, DS started secondary, dh lost his job so he's a ft sahd. My income ability had dropped but it'll grow and I'm happy I had so many years at home with DS.

I have huge admiration for women who work outside the home.

Despite those few years during the crash and the desperation of some to maintain appearances...being a working parent is hugely challenging.

There is enormous juggling involved and I believe a lot of stress.

I certainly was asked when my youngest went to secondary was I going back to work....at times I have definitely thought about it..mostly this year to get away from the 5 of them, as they are all at home...I 😁

I think it is very dependent on personal experience. I am not a SAHM, I work part time 4 days, but do 2 school pick ups and week and DH does drop off every day.

I live in an area where there are a lot of very wealthy people, with very high earner partners, so there are lots of SAHM.

Sadly my experience is they do very little for others, all the ones who step up to help at school things are the parents (mainly mums lets be honest) who work. Very demanding when others step up to do things and very critical of how things are done but do not want to help.

In my NCT group there are a number of SAHM and from what I know of things they do, they keep house, take and drop kids from school (KS1) and exercise, this is all they talk about when we meet up.

Now my own personality might be reflected here as I have volunteered my time for many years, pre kids as well as post kids and so I can't imagine not doing these things. If I was a SAHM I would have soooooo many projects on the go!

I love the idea of being there for my son 24/7, but agree with previous comments whereby if I did that I worry I would end up with a sense of emptiness once he was older (he's only 1). But mostly it's because I love earning my.own money, treating myself and my son to things, knowing I've earnt them, as well as being me again and not just mum, speaking to work friends and having cuppas and chats and then feeling refreshed when I go home. I too was given a lot.of inheritance so could not work, but it made me feel empty and dissatisfied with myself.

I think for me I would worry that my dd would wonder why she’d need to bother working at school and getting the best grades she can as she could just get married,have a baby and stay at home whilst being looked after financially by her husband?
DP and I aren’t married,we don’t even have a joint bank account! That said,we share the costs of everything. I think it’s important to be fairly independent financially in this day and age.

My mum was a SAHM. She couldn’t afford to continue her schooling and so went to work at 15, like all women in my family. Unlike the other women in my family, she married my dad and so could afford to stay at home.

I’m a doctor. I really appreciate that my mum desperately wished she could have had a career - I think of her everytime someone makes that ludicrous statement that nobody wishes they’d worked more when they’re on their deathbed....in fact many many people wish they’d done more with their professional lives.

I am very very lucky to have the career I have.

My mum was a SAHM and honestly I loved that she was always home to take us up school / pick up etc. Could come get us if we were sick etc. I’m 38 and had pretty high level role in HR but have had 3 kids in last 5 years so not gone back to work. I will when they are older but I’m fortunate that financially I can not work so am happy to be at home. Currently on mat leave but this is definitely last baby so will go back part time (around school hours)