To ask what you think of SAHMs?

[HarryHarryHarry]

For the past 3 years I have been a SAHM. I never imagined that I would be one but I actually quite like it. Eventually I plan to go back to work but it could be that I just work unskilled-type jobs instead of having a proper career. I really don’t know what my options will be when the time comes. I might just stay home and focus on my writing, which is my real passion, or I might go back to university and retrain in something. (We are lucky that we can currently afford to get by on just one parent’s wages). Recently though I have been wondering what my children will think of me when they’re older. Especially my daughter. Am I a bad example to her?

If your mum was a SAHM, did you have any thoughts about that?

I think if you are able to do it and it makes you happy then do. The only time I am wary of stay at home parenting is when I hear it being referred to as being a 'full time mummy'... we are all
full time ....and I never hear the phrase 'full time daddy!'

or 'I know I'm lucky to be able to do it' as though it's some kind of prize and one upmanship. Or that in some ways their child will benefit more and be at an advantage. My husband and I work 4 days each a week yet between us we have managed every pick up drop off from school, assembly, parent meeting etc. I don't think doing these things makes us better parents.

We are all blessed in different ways and the important thing is that we have choices x

The brief time in my life that I stayed at home without work I degenerated. My children seemed to take me for granted and I hated being financially dependant.

Personally I think they respect me more. My eldest cites me as an example to her friends (she's 21) of a mum who's had a successful working life. I think I've been a good role model.

We all make our own choices though. Staying home did not suit me. Having a successful career and raising children well comes at a cost and I've probably aged quicker due to stress but at least my life maximised.

You shouldn't care what other people think. Being a sahp can be hard. Being a working parent can be hard. Being a single parent can be hard.

I've been both and being a sahp just works better for our family all round. I have my own money saved and invested from when I worked, so I'm okay there, the only thing I would be concerned about for a woman or man as a sahp is the financially dependence.

I've just quit my job so I can become one again. I absolutely love being at home, love it with a passion, I have my own money from working before, I have many hobbies over invested in, our lifestyle is very different in that dh is often gone for days and days at a time so I'm here for the kids when they need me which they've told me they love. I love my sah life, I've always hated working due to severe anxiety issues with people and leaving the house to do with my autism, but did it for decades because you have to, but now I can just be safe and happy in my house, with my hobbies and my husband and family and for us personally it's just what works for us.

I think of it as a really old fashioned thing - I just think it's the norm for both parents to work. Statistically that's true - 75% of mothers are in work - but in my social circle it's 100%.

As a result, I didn't even consider it. I love my children but I would hate to spend all my time with them. 4 days working a week is perfect for me.

I think it entirely depends on the circumstances. Some SAHMs are very vulnerable, as PP's have pointed out. It probably wouldn't be great for your kids to grow up watching you suffer abuse from your husband, or if you two split and you were left in a shitty situation financially. This doesn't apply to everyone, of course, but is sadly quite common.

I also think it depends on what else is happening in your life and how long you plan to be at home for. Before they start school kids really are a fulltime job, no question. But once they have started school and as they grow up they really don't need as much from you anymore. It stops being a fulltime job. You don't want to be left feeling like you have nothing for yourself. My plan is to pick up where I left off with my part time degree once my youngest has started school full time. That should have me graduating around the time they start secondary school, which is perfect because that means I can hopefully get cracking on my career change once the kids don't need me around as much anymore.

Finally, I think it is worth remember that nothing is permanent. Plans are great but life is unpredictable. Something could happen in your life today that completely changes things. As long as you are able to adapt, you'll be fine.

I respect my mum because she always worked and was always on the go, she was always full of ideas and made them happen. Shes 67 now and works for herself. She loves what she does and has studied for her masters and PhD alongside working. It is a relief to see your mother thriving for herself. Some of my friends who had SAHMs have guilt and especially with grandkids etc always seem to feel like they have to take the kids around or checking to make sure mum isnt lonely.

I am proud to have had a mother who made a real difference in the world through her work and who is still going strong.

I would have loved to be and genuinely believe it is best for children.

I have been a SAHM for over a year now after being made redundant. Kids are primary age. I had always worked before, pretty much full time, in a stressful corporate job. Husband the same with lots of travelling on top.

I haven't read anywhere in this thread yet the levels of stress this lifestyle brings to family life when both parents are working full time.

I had to rush my kids out of the house at 7:30 to drop them at nursery/ childminder/ breakfast club. Commute via packed trains and tubes. Then pick up the kids in the evening at 6 pm. The countless meltdowns we had going home in the evenings when they were clearly overtired and hungry!! No quality time with my children at all, just a constant rush! All hobbies squashed into the weekend!
My eldest also had issues at school and it felt terrible that I did not have enough time to help him.
We did have au pairs and after school nannies over the years which certainly helped. But I wasn't really cut out for sharing my home with an au pair, and after school nannies were unreliable to stay on for the longer term as they were students using this as a side income during term time.

We were at breaking point so the redundancy and then me becoming a SAHM was the best thing that happened to us in that time. We are lucky we can afford to do this, but we are also painfully aware that we cannot save and that I am not paying into a pension.
I am slowly looking for a new job, and I think the flexibility in terms of working from home really helps.

My mum was always a SAHM and this had always been a chip in her shoulder. But I loved having her at home all the time and appreciate this came at a cost to her. She did find lots of other outlets though in terms of voluntary work, so she was not fully focused on just being a mum.

But based on my own experience it's not easy with both parents working full time. Good childcare is expensive and may not always work out. Holidays have to be covered as well. We have no family available to help. And the children themselves may not want to be looked after by others.

Ive been a SAHM for years-we've travelled far and wide in our current country(Oz) and Europe, Asia..it started as a short term idea but it turned out so much better (and easier/more fun/more productive)than we envisaged that I home-schooled permanently and now they're teens and need less input-we just cruise along working from home to our own timetables with outside activities on a schedule planner...
I think if it works go for it-as long as everyone under your roof is happy, loved, listened to and respected-who cares? Sure its not for everyone but the same can be said for most things-we had the option available and it morphed into a lifestyle..
My kids think they've had an amazing life (they have) and are 2 years ahead of where they "should" be despite studying3 hours a day and spending the rest out on the water and on bike.(we are lucky to live directly on the ocean with lots of trails from the door and covid had barley touched our region) I honestly feel like Ive had a second childhood too and wouldnt change it for the world!!
So glad I thought outside the box when everyone was slating me and calling me wierd for contemplating it ; )

I don’t “think” anything about SAHM’s as everyone’s situations are different - what they want to do, what they have no choice but to do, what their financial position is. I think we make our choices and we always have “mum guilt” no matter what!

I thought I’d want to be a SAHM (we could just about afford this but there would be no holidays) but it’s not for me and that’s my personal choice. Currently on my second bout of maternity leave and hoping to go back 3 long days a week (28 hours) giving me 4 days a week with my kids which I think is a good balance for me.

I have friends who do all kinds of different things - 1 does 20 hours a week from home (accountant) round drop offs and pick ups, 1 now has 3 days to herself with 1 in school and 1 in pre-school (as they can afford for her not to work) but has the kids all the rest of the time as husband always out with clients, 1 who is a partner in a big law firm so works full time and more.

I just think there are so many factors involved in peoples decisions (my DH doesn’t want me to go back to a full time job in the role I was doing pre-kids due to the stress it put me/us under) that it’s impossible to “think” anything.

With hindsight I should have hired a night nanny or an au pair but my salary wouldn’t cover it.

I see this a lot but I believe it should be a joint expense.

I think people forget that being a SAHM is a role not a type of person. Like other roles in life, it can have it's pros and cons and can be done for varying lengths of time. SAHMs aren't a homogeneous mass of dull, unfulfilled, unambitious people. I imagine discontented SAHMs were more common in the past when women were forced into the role for long periods of time, but again, I think many of us would feel unhappy and unfulfilled if we were forced into a role that wasn't of our choosing.

Lots of SAHMs will morph into WOHMs at some point as the children grow up and financial circumstances change. Lots of WOHPs may find that they have to reduce their working hours or limit their career ambitions to balance their working lives with raising children. This is all totally ok, despite what the patriarchal capitalist system wants us to believe, that we are somehow inferior or failures unless we prioritise paid employment over our families.

My mum worked full time but then went part time when I was about 16. My son is 16 now, and I would absolutely love to work part time, but feel I can't because I don't want him to be faced with horrific university debt and I am planning to sell the house to help him. I does make me feel that my mum had it easier, and I do feel moments of childish surliness which has absolutely no logical basis because I know each situation is different.
Each person is different, too. For me, being a SAHM when my children were toddlers would have been impossibly difficult; I loved going to work!
I quite like the fact that my son sees both his parents working full time, too, but that might be my jealousy masquerading as virtue!

@hillarypcof
"I hate the idea of losing all sense of self just to have children, giving up everything that made you YOU to raise children
Are you totally defined by your career? Would you not be yourself without it? Personally I think staking your whole identity on a role (be it paid or unpaid such as a SAHM) is dangerous.

With hindsight I should have hired a night nanny or an au pair but my salary wouldn’t cover it.
No, with hindsight you would have stated blankly at your husband when he proposed a career/ lifestyle that took him away so much from his kids when he had responsibilities at home. He should've toned his travel and workload down. If you had been firm about your career he would have had to.

I think SAHM's are lucky if they're married to rich man (or rich themselves), but unlucky if they're single and on benefits.

I found out I’m having twins! So the decision to be a SAHM has been made for me. DD will also be 3 when they’re born.

I’m really excited. I get to be there for when she starts school, and I’ll stay at home with the little ones until they go too. I’ve worked part time, 3 days be week since having Dd which worked well but I’m ready for the next phase of my life.

I plan to take on the challenge like I would any work project really. I will make sure I’m organised, plan activities, get ready for the day. I think it will actually make having hobbies and a social life easier as I won’t feel guilty about spending time away from the kids because I’ll be with them all day!

I don’t care what anyone thinks to be honest, I have a very equal marriage. And with twins, there isn’t really much choice. I’ve never met anyone in real life who would say anything negative anyway. Friends and family have been really supportive.

I haven't read anywhere in this thread yet the levels of stress this lifestyle brings to family life when both parents are working full time.

I think a lot depends on individual circumstances. I have been working f/t some wks over the last few months as overtime in order to help catch up.
However I've done this from home flexibly, my work is only a 15 min walk & the school a 5 min one plus DH is at home & my parents live very close. I don't really find it stressful, if was out of the house 8-6 & having to use the tube I would.

"I hate the idea of losing all sense of self just to have children, giving up everything that made you YOU to raise children*

Don’t really get this to be honest. My job is pretty boring, it doesn’t define me at all. Not everyone has an amazing career! You can be a SAHM and still have your friends, hobbies, interests.

My mother has always been a SAHM. She had four of us. We lived in a big old house with a large garden. She did EVERYTHING! She has always been a fantastic cook, she decorated, did all DIY, she did the garden, even made all of our bedding, curtains herself etc. She also helped out with the family business and went out to work on the odd day my grandparents would look after us (looking back it was probably a nice break for her!) Only now, as a mother of two do I realise just how much she did for us all. I have so much respect for her. She gave us the best upbringing and is still the best mom and now a wonderful nanny.

I like my job & it is now a career however I really like my colleagues who are now friends & we have a lot of fun together which is the main draw for me.

I am a SAHM but have worked a long career in the past. What I find confusing is the sheer amount of posters who claim they feel like SAHM "lose" themselves when they become one. That their own mothers were bored and resentful because they had nothing else going on. But out of all my friends who work, there are very very few who are a) defined by their job and b) socialise in any way as part of their job. Essentially we are exactly the same, except they get up get dressed and go into an office (for example), whereas I get up, get dressed, and look after the children all day (pre school aged). Come 5/6pm we are all exactly the same.

I do find it insulting when people suggest that because I don't have a separate job to go to, that I am somehow lesser than those that do, or don't have anything else to offer. But why do I have less to offer than my friend next to me who has a job, but loathes it and is miserable?? Many many women arent defined by their jobs. But they're not judged in the same way SAHM are.

My mum was a SAHM, it was great for us growing up tbh (always someone to help with home work/on school trips/nice dinners) but as I got older I realised she was wistful about not going back to work (by circumstance, not choice - she moved to a foreign country with 2 young DC, then just when she felt settled got cancer, and wasn't better until her 50s).

It wasn't all the time just when she saw someone she knew on the news (she went to quite a posh school) so every now and then there'd be an feature about a new bridge/tv show whatever and she'll say stuff like "ooh we used to get the bus together" or "we went out once when I was 15" about the architect/producer etc.

I have always worked, studied, or both since having DC. I want an interesting career, and also as a mum of 2 boys I think its good for them to see both parents working and doing the cooking/cleaning.

I am fortunate to have a job I enjoy and get so much from, that being a SAHM would never be an option.

However I can completely understand why if you were working in a job that you hated, and barely covered childcare, that stopping work makes sense.

What I can't quite get my head around is that some of the pushiest mums I know, are themselves SAHM, giving up their careers as soon as they had children. This is while tutoring their daughters to the hilt, trying to get them into the best schools etc. .