To ask what you think of SAHMs?

[HarryHarryHarry]

For the past 3 years I have been a SAHM. I never imagined that I would be one but I actually quite like it. Eventually I plan to go back to work but it could be that I just work unskilled-type jobs instead of having a proper career. I really don’t know what my options will be when the time comes. I might just stay home and focus on my writing, which is my real passion, or I might go back to university and retrain in something. (We are lucky that we can currently afford to get by on just one parent’s wages). Recently though I have been wondering what my children will think of me when they’re older. Especially my daughter. Am I a bad example to her?

If your mum was a SAHM, did you have any thoughts about that?

I think what's important is that YOU are honestly completely happy with your decision. My mother was a sahm in the 70s,not by choice. She was a great mum but she definitely resented being stuck at home with no money of her own.

SAHP and working parents aren't separate breeds so I don't think anything of them as a group.

My mum worked part time when I was little and it felt like she was always around. She never had a career when I was small and I know now as an adult though she loved her time with us, she wanted more.

Through my childhood her career grew and she gained confidence, so when I look back I'm very proud of her.

On the other side, my dad had a boring job (still is a boring job) but he had hobbies and interests and that's what made me love spending time with him and wanting to talk about him. So it's not just about having a career.

I think it depend entirely on your disposition and personal values. My mum was a SAHM but was obviously bored by it. She was present but not really present because she was always reading, listening to the radio, gardening etc. As a sixty year old she is somewhat bitter and feels that she never achieved anything in life because she didn’t have a career. Quite hurtful for us kids really.

I had 8 fab years as a SAHM. I returned 3 months after my youngest started school. I could have easily filled my day but decided it would be good to return to work. I was ready to do something for myself. I am learning and developing in a way I wasn’t at home. I loved the time at home and very much enjoy the self esteem and sense of accomplishment I get from working.

Most people don’t judge, do what’s right for you and your family and when/if you want to change what you are doing, do so.

I think sahm mums are brave - especially with young kids. 2 days of my son at the weekend is knackering! I don't think I could handle it full time. I need some space. I do wonder what you do when you the kids are older? It would be fine if you have money, lots of friends that are around too or hobbies.

Surely your inheritance is also in the pot should you divorce?

I'd be teaching my daughter financial autonomy and that childcare is not just the responsibility of the mother personally

SAHM for very small kids - ok.SAHM for older kids - a bit lazy? Being honest tbf but for secondary kids, what do to DO all day?

My mom was a SAHM, my DH's mom was a SAHM mom and so am I - you've got to do what's right for you and for your family - it's your life.

The best gift I gave to my children. Being with them for their first years. It was hard at times but so worthwhile. Once they were a bit older in school I started as a self employed to still have time with them. I know I am very lucky to have been able to do it.

My DM was a SAHM until I was 11 (1990s) and then worked term time in a part time, low paid role until she retired in her late 50s. I didn’t go to paid childcare etc (1980s) before I went to school.

I’ll be honest- I liked it. I liked the security, coming home to a warm, lit house where on cold days she’d have soup or something ready. She was engaged, checked homework diaries, asked about our day, and if there was something amiss she could always tell- we were her focus. She was always there in school holidays too.

I work 4 days a week and have a DS at nursery, but it plays on my mind as I’d like to ideally be there in the evenings/late afternoons after school for him too; I don’t like my job but also don’t want to quit work. You lose hundreds of thousands over your lifetime if you quit work, and I know that my DM was devastated when I left home for Uni at 18. Perhaps if she’d had a more engaging career of her own she wouldn’t have been quite so invested in me and upset by me leaving - but that’s not necessarily the case.

I should say, my DM was very ill when I was born and was unwell for years afterwards, we also lived semi-rurally. So, she was fairly unable to get a FT job even if she’d wanted one, and she also couldn’t get something P/T and well paid because she had no qualifications (grammar school but made to leave at 16 by a w/c Mum) and we lived in the countryside. A medical condition meant she wasn’t allowed to drive so couldn’t commute to a better job. We definitely missed out financially by her not working, and when DF lost his job twice in the 90s/00s we’d have been up shit creek if it hadn’t been for my DGran bailing my DPs out.

All of which is a long winded way of saying I have a 50:50 view of SAHMs. It can be great for the kids, but bad for the Mum long term. And actually if it makes your family quite poor, it can be bad for the kids at the time too.

It’s hard to be motivated when you don’t like your job (I don’t like mine) but I actually think for women who want more time with children then going part time gives the best of all worlds, if you can afford it. It’s really not a good idea to leave the labour market.

Technically I'm a sahm, but I work full time fr home (childminder). My mum was a childminder and I loved the fact I was at home till school time in the morning and old go straight home after school. I could have days off and was never a problem (my friends were sent to school a lot when they were unwell).
I like being here for my kids but do wish I didn't have to work at the same time because my children get hardly any of my attention while the minded children are here.

@namechangeforfriday

As an adult, seeing my mum in an unhappy and dead marriage with my dad but unable to leave because she has no money, I’ve got to be honest and say it does make me respect her less that she didn’t look after her financial future. I see her (and my dad, who is problematic for many other reasons) as an example of everything I don’t want to be. I also don’t think it’s fair for one person in the relationship to have sole responsibility for the finances - on the flip side, I don’t think it’s fair for one person to do 100% of the parenting either. My ideal would be both PT workers doing 50% parenting. I also have to admit I don’t respect women who stay at home past their kids being in school, especially secondary. It just seems incredibly indulgent to potter about doing degrees and hobbies while husband brings home the bacon, what if he fancies jacking it in to pursue his interests all day? (Same applies to SAHDs too, of course)

I agree. I'm not sure if I'd be ok with DH volunteering or pottering about after kids can get themselves to and from school. I've got nothing against a stay at home parent and will be one while kids are young but I have a career to fall back on, I'd be worried being vulnerable if anything happened to DH or our marriage.

Through my DM working full time and still holding down the house, my DF worked away a lot, I learned to appreciate what hard work and perseverance gets you.

I honestly don't know how SAHM do it I would go insane!
I love my son but I worked very hard to get a career that I love. I work full time but my work is very flexible so I won't miss out on school things etc.

Growing up my mum also worked "part time" except she travelled a lot with her job so her hours were crazy and I had a nanny. As a child I resented it compared to my friend whos mum was about all the time as she missed plays etc. As an adult I respect it that she kept her career going and then retrained at 50.

I think if it makes you happy then stick with it if that changes then find a career. You can retrain at any age in many professions!

For me I just don’t know any, so when I was on mat leave with a nice circle of mums I knew that this would end as they would return to work so it made me think if I were to be a SAHM it could be quite lonely.

Being a sahm has been a god send during the pandemic.
I never understand why people ask what sahm do all day. The answer is whatever we like (in pre Covid times).
Seriously though, how people feel about it really does depend on what our own parents did and whether they were happy/fulfilled. Choices are only ever good if they are freely made and not resented.

If you enjoy it and can afford it, go for it. Mum's or dad's can do it, doesn't bother me. I think if I did that, I'd want something else to do though, like charity work or something. Otherwise I'd probably go insane after a while.

To ask what you think of SAHMs?

Very jealous of them! Also, they married smart

The other thing I meant to add is that because DM didn’t work in a professional role, she couldn’t advise me helpfully on jobs/careers, other than what you see on TV. She doesn’t really understand the modern labour market, and I think it would have been a big help having savvier parents who could have advised me differently at A Levels and Degree choice stages- BUT - that could equally apply to my lovely, but slightly hapless, DF. And I don’t think it’s really a SAHM issue, more a class issue and a lack of understanding of how to start, maintain and grow a successful career.

I've been a stay at home for the last 6 years and I Love it. Quite frankly I couldn't give rats arse what other people think about it. I am well aware that I am in a vulnerable position should something happen to my husband or should he lose his job. I have enough in place to manage if that were to happen and I would just have to try and find a job. It wouldn't suit everyone but I think some people are slightly bitter and envious of those who get to stay at home with their children. I get to take my children to and from school, I can attend assemblies, school plays and be at home with them when they are poorly. If my children were ever to compare me negatively to a parent who works then I would happily remind them of these things. After I was born my Mum went back to work part time for the first few years. I can remember absolutely loving the days when she was there to collect me from school. I wish she had been able to do it every day.

@tinkerbell2021

Same as pp. my mum was sahm. She had no hobbies, interests or friends. Us kids were her life. I left home at 19. It was just too much.

I feel this can happen a lot not to this extent always but when mums don’t have an outlet for themselves.

I’ve never understood the terms ‘fortunate’ or ‘lucky’ in regards to staying at home with young kids. It’s great to have the choice but personally I don’t feel I’m ‘unlucky’ or ‘unfortunate’ to have worked during my kids youngest years even though I could’ve afforded not to.

I love my kids but the thought of spending 24/7 with 0-4 year olds makes me shudder. I don’t enjoy messy play, crafting, hide and seek after about 20 minutes, wiping bottoms etc. I prefer being around older kids. I’m looking to reduce my hours once my kids hit 11+. In my experience that’s when I need to be around more anyway as that’s when shit starts to get real with peers and school etc.

I’d love to be a SAHM but as a single parent I haven’t got that luxury unfortunately! I can just about afford to work part time as I have a decent career though. My mum was a doctor and worked full time (my dad also worked full time as a doctor) and often didn’t get back til after 8 and honestly, even though we had a really nice nanny/housekeeper type person for me and my 3 siblings, I really wanted my mum at home with me and was always really jealous of my cousins whose mum didn’t work.

I don’t blame my mum for doing what she did, I’m proud of her for becoming one of the first top female doctors and she would not have had the options I have today to work part time. But I did miss having her at home as my mum and I think it’s kind of a shame how some people seem to look down on SAHMs. I’m a GP and I remember asking a mum once if her child went to nursery (as the issue was he was getting lots of coughs and colds therefore relevant to know if attending nursery!) and she jumped in to defensively tell me that although he didn’t he was taken to this group and that group for socialisation etc. I thought it was interesting she clearly assumed I was negatively judging her for not sending her child to nursery when honestly I was just thinking lucky kid to have his mum around all the time!

@Glenorma

When I was little I liked having my mum available to pick me up from school and look after me. It only became a disadvantage when I was older and didn’t need or want that level of care any more, but she still had nothing else in her life other than being a mum. It made it very difficult for me to grow up and live my own life because I felt like I was just ditching her and she was left with nothing. If she’d had a job and hobbies I’d have felt a lot better about leaving her to it and living my own life.

Good post.

I can well imagine how children might feel a bit like this if a SAHM made her children her project...

My children were hugely appreciative of the lack of juggling childcare that surrounded them during primary

Particularly one of my children, when there was a period of lots of dead eyed au pairs during 2008-2010...as parents used very young women to look after their children during the crash, as they desperately hung on to their "ski holiday" at the expense of good chilcare.
Suddenly it was no more than teens collecting very young children when previously there was mature chilcare.

My daughter had a couple of friends with such childcare, she heard the stories of how unpleasant "some" were, and also that they were often cared for at the weekend's by their au pairs, whilst their parents took off for a break...

These were children definitely grumbling.

I admit I judged some parents after a while...

During 15 years of primary school mine were definitely delighted that I was alwsys there for them.

Now I have other interests that mean that while I am very much there for them, they can see I am busy with my life.

I had my children late after a very successful career, I think that makes a difference.

If I was early 40's instead of late 50's I would think differently...