To ask what you think of SAHMs?

[HarryHarryHarry]

For the past 3 years I have been a SAHM. I never imagined that I would be one but I actually quite like it. Eventually I plan to go back to work but it could be that I just work unskilled-type jobs instead of having a proper career. I really don’t know what my options will be when the time comes. I might just stay home and focus on my writing, which is my real passion, or I might go back to university and retrain in something. (We are lucky that we can currently afford to get by on just one parent’s wages). Recently though I have been wondering what my children will think of me when they’re older. Especially my daughter. Am I a bad example to her?

If your mum was a SAHM, did you have any thoughts about that?

My mum was a SAHM and I loved the fact she was always at home and could always come to events in the school day.
I was a SAHM for a few years and I absolutely loved it but for financial reasons have had to return to work part time
I don't think being a SAHM sets a bad example and I don't think being a working mum does either. As long as you're happy your children will be.

also think it's incredibly unfair to place that level of expectation and stress on someone. What if the working parent wants to take a break from earning and pursue their own interests and hobbies for a while? What if they want to change career paths to a more fulfilling vocation but cannot because of the resultant drop in earnings? What if they are being bullied or miserably unhappy in their job but cannot leave until they find a similar one because the family is depending on them solely? Conversely, it is not fair for one parent to be stuck with all the parenting either.

But it's not as clear cut as that. Each family is different. Also not all schools do wrap round care. Schools in our area that offer breakfast and after school clubs are very over subscribed. Once children go to secondary school and no longer need a parent at home, then if both parents feel they need to be out at work ideal....although the sahp is more likely to find getting back into the work place a challenge.
But we don't have decent childcare provision in this country.

Oh, and my mother worked outside the home and I was glad she did because she got me holiday jobs :)

When the dcs are older, they will see the value of working parents if that means they have more money for materials goods (yes, that is teenagers), nice holidays, debt-free university, car, deposit for a house ...

Any support they need at this age usually can only be provided by parents, not like younger children where they would generally be happy with an attentive carer. Anyone can wipe a tear from a toddler but only a parent can help a teenager navigate choppy friendships, anxiety over exams, university applications. I think it is more beneficial to stay in employment when the dcs are younger. Then if you want to be there for your dcs, be there for their teenage and GCSE/A level years. It will be a stressful busy time for children and parents and then in a blink of an eye, they will be gone to university. Treasure this time.

I'm a SAHP and I enjoy it although when my youngest goes to school then I will return to my previous career. Before I had my youngest I worked part time and it was honestly hell trying to keep everyone happy, stay organised, be a good parent and employee. I was working 50 hour weeks and I felt I was stretched far too thin- I felt like a failure as both a parent and an employee, and due to my DH's antisocial working hours 99% of everything to do with our dd fell onto me to do. It was very stressful and I was permanently exhausted.

My dh likes me being at home now, as do I, and everything runs like clockwork. I have a career to fall back on should anything happen, or our financial circumstances change, and I feel like our relationship is balanced and equal. I have full access to all money. My dh says its my choice if I want to return to work when our youngest goes to school. Tbh I think he'd like it if I stayed at home permanently but that's not for me. I like being at home whilst the kids are small but once the house is empty during the day then I think I'd be bored stupid.

As for WOHMs missing school plays etc, many parts of the workforce are going to be working from home in the future

That's a good point. DH & I both had flexi hours & could wfh pre Covid so we did all school drop offs/pick ups with the bulk by me. He is 100% wfh so has done virtually all of them since Sept.

My mum was a SAHM. She was frustrated. She did and OU degree, then a teaching degree in her 30’s whilst waitressing PT, just to get out the house (my dad worked overseas).

Anyway, she ended up divorced in her 50’s and screwed on a pension.

It was selfless of her to be a SAHM, but ultimately my lesson learned was not to do that. She is now retired and life isn’t easy.

@TrickQuestions what do you do that a PT job is 50 hours a week 🥴

I do a four day week with 2 (school age) kids and life is peachy! A 5 day week had me on my knees, but 4 days is perfect.

My mum also had full access to money during her marriage. Got with my dad aged 16, married at 21, divorced at 56. They are still good friends. She left my dad to run off with someone she met online.

Life changes. Always be financially independent.

It wouldn't suit everyone but I think some people are slightly bitter and envious of those who get to stay at home with their children.

Do you think lots of people are bitter? I only know a few SAHMs & they all use childcare.
I find the days I work are the calm days.

I think it’s great providing it’s on your terms.

I also wouldn’t choose it if it meant money was tight or I’d have to downgrade my lifestyle.

I’d also expect some outsourcing for childcare, cleaning and laundry.

So if the woman is choosing it on her terms. What I think is - smart woman!

I’m a SAHM and I hate it. It was not through choice. My DH decided to set up his own business when our eldest was a preschooler and was working crazy unpredictable hours and flying abroad. No family support so how does somebody like me return to fulltime work while handling everything and a child who doesn’t sleep at night. I took the full brunt of the house/child rearing. I considered working at the weekends just to keep my hand in but my DH didn’t want that because he wanted his weekends “off” and didn’t want to be on solo childcare. Weekends involved him having long lie ins to recover from long working weeks. By the time both kids were at school, I’d been out of work for almost 10 years and found it impossible to get back in. I’d just started to get some job interviews. Low paid admin work when the pandemic hit. I also have no clue how I’d manage school holidays even if I had got one of the jobs. I wish I’d never given up work but I don’t know how I would have done it. With hindsight I should have hired a night nanny or an au pair but my salary wouldn’t cover it. I’m now totally stuck because I have a huge gap on my CV, my husband disrespects me because I don’t work and I have no idea how to go about sorting it out especially now I’m homeschooling during a pandemic. I’ve even tried looking for volunteer work but the pandemic means there’s a freeze on that. Charity shops are shut! My advice would be not to give up your career. Do whatever you can to keep doing something. With hindsight I wish I’d moved back home with my parents and kept my career going that way. It’s the only way I could have done it

I am one. It was never my intention but I had postpartum psychosis after dc1 was born followed by other mental health issues. He's nearly 6 now and I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that it's only going to be low paid dead end jobs if I manage at all (my youngest is 2).

I do plenty besides look after my children, I should graduate with my 2nd degree later this year, I run, I'm learning the language of my grandfather so I can read the books I inherited, I sit on multiple committees including chairing one. I have hobbies and interests and friends but deep down if I'd known what childbirth would cost me I think I would have told dh to sod off when he broached the subject of babies.

I was a SAHM for 7 years and then returned to teaching part time until my youngest was 11. I then went on to having a great career in teaching and in the local authority. I've never regretted a minute with my DC and feel I had the best of both worlds.
My DD is very academically able but also was a SAHM for quite a few years. She works PT to fit around her DC, does voluntary work and is very fulfilled. Work /career isn't everything. Of course I'm very conscious that not everyone is lucky enough to get by on one wage. Enjoy while you can!

Let's be honest, most people are not brain surgeons or have a fascinating career in business - many jobs are really quite dull and people just go out to work to pay the bills - which of course is very important but don't pretend that every working person is suddenly much more 'interesting' than someone who doesn't have paid employment.

Completely agree with this^

I don’t judge SAHM, slightly jealous they don’t have to work haha. If I could afford to be one I’m sure I would.
(I don’t actually have kids yet though)

Some pp’s don’t understand not all of us had good careers in the first place. I’m stuck in a low earning j

^Clicked post too soon.

I’m stuck in a low earning job, with little progression. My job definitely doesn’t make me anymore interesting, I rarely bring it up when meeting with friends because I have no real responsibility 🤷‍♀️

I was a SAHM and I absolutely loved it, as did my children. I was there full time for everything they did and needed which was extremely busy most of the time. They are now adults and I am still very busy one way or another with them back and forth. I have plenty of hobbies so no trouble finding things to do. We have been extremely fortunate to be able to bring them up this way. I couldn't care less what anyone else thought about my lack of career. The only thing I would change is possibly retrain so I had a better job when they were grown up. If you can afford to do it and have plenty of hobbies then I would say do it.

It's a very personal choice and there are losses and gains in each approach.

We have 5 daughters and prior to having them both my husband and I were heavily driven by our careers.

As a mother to girls it became more and more important to me that I was able to be a positive role model for them and show them first hand that they can achieve. Blunty speaking there was no point reading Rebel Girls to them while not showing them first hand what their mother has achieved first hand. So I continued to work and they are very proud of me, there isn't s teacher who hasn't been told where I work and what I do. The girls pride in that is very rewarding.

i also believe that to appreciate something or someone you do need a degree of separation so being at home waiting for them to return wouldn't necessarily work well for me. To reassure depending on your employment it may also be possible to attend all of your children's sports days and nativities. I haven't missed one nor has my husband.

With C19 they are now benefiting from seeing more of us both and it's delightful so I can imagine the beauty of being there.

I've been the one working out of the home with a spouse at home and I've been at home with a spouse having to be a carer because I got really ill, and with having a spouse work from home, and now he works out of the home while I work from home. All the combinations fit different needs and have risks, responsibilities, and possible benefits.

I don't tend to think about others unless I get someone complain at me and then do the opposite of changing their situation or parents who live through their children/treat their children like their meal or meaning ticket. The latter happened a lot when I was growing up. Really, back then or now, all the happy SAHP had side projects or significant hobbies separate from their family lives, often ones that either brought in some money or fit into something they later did, and all the miserable ones had distractions, but not much of substance (kinda like retirement).

With my mother - she was SAH until I was 11, then she was a lunch lady for a bit for reasons outside my awareness, then SAH for a bit, then my parents finally fully separated and she worked at a local electronic store irregularly as my father still paid for the house and things for years (even after she kicked us all out, it was a weird situation). I spent a lot of my childhood hearing about how I or my siblings were going to make it in whatever she felt like at that moment and buy her a house & it'd be our turn to take care of her. That was a lot on little shoulders.

With my children, my older DD has asked about what work I do, when I talk about something she'll ask if I'm getting paid. I used to worry about it when I was trying to transition back into work and doing volunteer things, as she couldn't explain why she was asking well, but I now think it was more that to her I seemed to work a lot (whether it was around the home, life admin type stuff, or freelance work) and she just didn't entire get the changes beyond my being on the computer more & occasionally having a few days of deadline ughs. Now she's doing careers in PSHE & we have a lot of nice chats about priorities and life options with different kinds of work.

It there any chance of talking a career break then going back when kids are older?

I was quietly envious until March 2020 when I was furloughed. The novelty lasted about six weeks. The same happened on maternity leave. I was fine while I caught up on my sleep but then I was bored.

Now I've had enough of gardening, hoovering, redecorating and baking to last me a lifetime .

DS is 12 so apart from making lunch and making sure he's in the right Teams classroom, he doesn't need much help from me.

I do like having daylight time in winter to go for a run. And I have very white skirting boards. But otherwise, I'd like to go back to work.

Clearly it is a personal decision. For me I totally understand SAHM when you have pre schoolers. Once all kids at school to not work is uncommon based on families I know and from school.

The point has been made but I would worry about the financial risk. Covid has taught me even more thankful for this as the job market is so risky at the moment, but feel reassured that we could 'just' about manage on one of our salaries. Also long term we have two pension pots.

A benefit of being a SAHM is always given as not missing school events or being there if ill. We both have flexible jobs. I work school hours but we have never missed any school event, and for the majority we both go (&often grandparents too) and our eldest is year 6. If they are ill one of us take time off or work from home depending on how ill. It is great our employers are flexible, and I know not possible for everyone but is pretty common in my experience. It seems strange to me to make an important decision based on something that happens for usually an hour once a term.

I wasn’t a SAHM when my kids were nursery/primary school age but I am now that they are secondary.

Probably makes zero sense to most people but one of my teenagers is going off the rails and needs constant supervision and I won’t leave her home alone with the younger ones.

It’s total shit. This is the time of my life where I should be able to leave my kids unsupervised and swan off to work without having to worry about childcare. 🤦‍♀️

It seems a bit like a narrow world to set up for yourself tbh.

Utmost respect for SAHP's ( m and f ) but I personally couldn't do it. My job and career prospects keep me sane, give me a sense of purpose and ultimately is a second (good) income stream for me and my partner to live a nice life. I hate the idea of losing all sense of self just to have children, giving up everything that made you YOU to raise children. (My personal opinion, but I know others who a. Love it and b. Are great at it!)

Also from a personal perspective my own mum became a SAHP when I hit my teenage years. When I was excelling in school, college, Uni and Law School. She clearly resented me for pursuing my dreams and to this day makes no secret that she regrets "giving up" (her words not mine) her career. Of course she loves the freedom and flexibility of not having to work but I would rather she did something even if just part time as it has made for quite a toxic mother-daughter relationship