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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The way I speak to my partner: are we doomed?

278 replies

MoanerLisa2021 · 07/01/2021 12:16

I know IABVU and I need you lovely straight-talking ladies to sort me the eff out!

I have this really lovely partner of 4 years with innumerable good qualities. Ok he could do a bit better on the beard-hair-all-over-the-sink front, but I know I’ve got a good’un and I’m really really lucky.

So why does every word out of my mouth to him always seem to be a nag or a moan? I can’t seem to help myself, I make up my mind to try really hard not to nag or moan and before I know it it’s out of my mouth and he’s offended or hurt that despite everything good he does, I’m incapable of laying off him for any tiny transgression like not wiping the hob down after he’s splattered food all over it.

He usually weathers the storm and continues to be a little gem until every now and again it gets too much for him and he has a go at me. I get upset and tell him I know I’m a total cow, resolve 100% to do better. And it lasts for all of like an hour.

What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I show respect towards a fabulous guy? He definitely questions whether I love him and I really feel like I do love him so much! I couldn’t be without him or with anyone else. To compound the issue, I had a baby 9 months ago and my sex drive is pretty much zero (was also zero in the latter part of pregnancy and tbh I wasn’t exactly gagging for it before that).

We do live 3 hours from my family and 2 hours from his, in an unfamiliar area after returning from overseas so neither of us has any friends nearby. But that sounds like an excuse and I shouldn’t be making excuses.

Thoughts? puts on helmet and prepares for the worst

OP posts:
SomewhatBored · 07/01/2021 12:24

Is it just your partner you do this with, or are you the same with other family and friends?

Do you think it's a habit you've got into, or might there be some underlying discontent that's emerging in the form of minor moans?

You mention your sex drive has gone down - is that causing you to feel unhappy and more likely to complaint? Have you looked at seeking help for ways to bring your sex drive back?

Snog · 07/01/2021 12:34

Try two ticks and a wish
Eg that was a delicious meal you made and thanks for trying a new recipe, if I had a wish I'd say that I'd also love if you could wipe the kitchen surfaces after you cook.

whoamongstus · 07/01/2021 12:35

I think there are two possibilities to this:

  1. You may have fallen into a rut of roles, where you're on the offensive and taking on the nag role when it may not necessarily be warranted (for example, occasionally leaving something a mess isn't a huge crime, it might be easier and fairer if you both just weather the tiny niggles of living together).
  1. If he is habitually doing things that create work for you so that you need to remind him not to, and doesn't change despite being asked, then you're not being a nag. If he NEVER cleans the kitchen down when he's done using it, never cleans his beard hairs up, never does X or Y, then what he is doing is forcing you to do them for him or forcing you to ask him to. That way you're the unreasonable nag, on the back foot and wondering if there's something wrong with you, and he can benevolently smile and 'allow' your nagging because he still gets shit cleaned up for him. That doesn't make him a nice person, that makes him lazy. He might not be doing it on purpose, but he is doing it.

So which do you think is more true - are you being a needless nag over things that should just be let slide, things that you also occasionally do 'wrong'? Or is he repeatedly doing things that put the onus on you to deal with them, which add up to a decent chunk of time fixing his mistakes, and letting you feel bad about having to pull a grown adult up for them?

I think my partner and I have a good balance, now: when we first moved in together I used to nag, over pointless shit, until eventually I realised I wasn't nagging, I was just asking him to be a thoughtful and active member of our household. I told him as much, he realised how often I asked him to do things, and got his shit together. I told him I would not be asking again - he had been told he'd been letting me pick up the slack, and I wouldn't do it any more. Now I might occasionally whinge about the bed not being made how I like it, and then apologise because I don't put the saucepans back how he likes them, and that's just living with another person. But I will never remind him to be a grown adult again, and he doesn't need it, because I told him clearly I wouldn't accept it.

ShirleyPhallus · 07/01/2021 12:36

Is this for a magazine or somethjng?

Snog · 07/01/2021 12:36

Also if you would not talk to someone at work without respect definitely do not treat your partner this way!

Motnight · 07/01/2021 12:37

If someone told me that they wished I had wiped down the kitchen surfaces after I had cooked and served them a meal, I would be really pissed off.

00100001 · 07/01/2021 12:38

Is this a reverse?

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 07/01/2021 12:42

A marraige won't survive endless nit picking, I know that because I've had three long term relationships and they've all ended because of my nit picking. I live alone now by choice.
I cannot abide people leaving the house in a mess or expecting me to run around after them. Having such a young child too is exhausting so I expect the things you are worried about seem magnified because of the baby.
But you need to control this if you want this relationship to survive, I wasn't that bothered about mine as sex is not important to me.
When you've had a bad night or have had the baby all day or have had a long tiring day at work the last thing I wanted was to come home to stuff lying everywhere or the kitchen spattered liberally in lard (his not mine) and then sexual demands non stop - intolerable.
Maybe counselling would help, I discovered I am like this because I have quite a serious mental health condition that needs to be controlled with medication.

BrumBoo · 07/01/2021 12:46

Oddly worded post, but I'll bite.

There are two different situations that could possibly be at play:

If you don't continuley ask your partner to do chores, does he simply do the basics or nothing at all? If he doesn't 'see' mess or chores and won't engage until he's been told several times, that's not naggingn that's living with a useless adult who never grew out of being a teen/expects the house to magically run itself.

If he is the sort of person who does his bit equally, though not as instantly or the same way as you (essentially you're micro managing him) then you do need to work on backing off.

MaryLeeOnHigh · 07/01/2021 12:46

I can’t seem to help myself, I make up my mind to try really hard not to nag or moan and before I know it it’s out of my mouth

This really is nonsense. You know you could stop yourself if you wanted, so you need to work out why you apparently don't want to.

shittestxmasever · 07/01/2021 12:48

Try two ticks and a wish

Don't do this. Unless you're also his primary school teacher

SpaceOp · 07/01/2021 12:49

Mmmm, I don't think there's enough information here.

As a PP said, are you nagging and nitpicking on things that really aren't that big deal and only happen now and again - eg the ONE time he does something you don't like you're whining and whinging at him? Or is this part of a larger pattern where you are constantly having to pick up the slack? Because if the former, then yes, you need to be "nicer" but if the latter (which I suspect) then it's not that you need to stop "nagging" him but that he needs to step up. OR, alternatively if he thinks those things are not his problem and you do, then, no matter how lovely this man is, this isn't a long term relationship.

I feel like if I have to go into the kitchen ONE MORE TIME and take all the cups and plates and bowls that Dh has put in the sink into the dishwasher I might explode. However, I'm also mature enough to understand that this really is a small thing and that overall he does his fair share and that he probably feels that way about the piles of shoes by the front door. But if I was constantly having to do everything, then I would feel completely justified in having a go at him.

Thatwentbadly · 07/01/2021 12:49

I recommend the how not to hate your husband after kids book.

What are you nagging about? Nagging is a negative word used when women have to raise the same issue repeatedly because it hasn’t been dealt with.

stackemhigh · 07/01/2021 12:53

He sounds like a lazy a lazy twat! What does he actually do that makes him a gem?

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 07/01/2021 12:53

This reply has been deleted

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Nancylovesthecock · 07/01/2021 12:54

I do this op quite a bit I think and my DH puts up with a lot. He, likes yours is a proper good un.

I do this because I am subconsciously pushing him away. I had a toxic environment growing up and I was always told I was useless and worthless and stupid and so I think I have huge trust issues. Basically I don't think I'm good enough for him.

It's bloody hard work to make myself stop when I am feeling shit, it's like a defensive reflex but there's nothing to defend against 🤷‍♀️

stackemhigh · 07/01/2021 12:56

So good uns really leave beard hair everywhere and splattered cookers? 🧐

unmarkedbythat · 07/01/2021 13:00

Maybe he's building up his emergency fund and when he has enough saved up he will leave you and your emotionally abusive ways, who know?

Godimabitch · 07/01/2021 13:04

I think its important to remember that everyone does things that pisses off the person we live with. No one is perfect and part of living together is living with those small things. Maybe remind yourself of something you could improve on when you think of something he does that annoys you.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/01/2021 13:04

You can help it. You choose not to.

I expect he’s miserable and resentful but won’t leave you, though he should, because he wants to have a relationship with his baby.

tenlittlecygnets · 07/01/2021 13:09

Well, is he genuinely a good guy or is he a lazy shit around the house who generates lots of work for you to do and never tidies up after himself? Does he do his fair share of parenting? Does he pull his weight?

Answering that will prob lead to why you feel the way you do.

icelollycraving · 07/01/2021 13:11

Thoughts? I hate posts that end with either thoughts or discuss. Both make me irrationally angry.
You can stop, you appear to not want to.
I haven't heard the term good un for years.

WhatFreshHell · 07/01/2021 13:13

He definitely questions whether I love him and I really feel like I do love him so much!

An odd way to put it. You either do love him, or you don't. If you do love him, stop carping at him before your baby grows up thinking it's a normal way to act in a relationship.

ThePlantsitter · 07/01/2021 13:24

I think you should put on something lacy and try to get yourself in the mood - doesn't he deserve it? And if you don't get in the mood just fake it 'til you make it. When you open your mouth to nag him pause and instead think about all the hard work he does for your family all day. I'm sure whatever you do pales into insignificance in comparison. Doesn't he deserve a nice rest? Would it kill you to wipe the cooker top?

Otherwise you could buy yourself a scold's brindle?

Hmm
supersop60 · 07/01/2021 13:25

The giveaway phrases for me are that you have a 9-month-old baby (alternating between independence and clingy, also unpredictably moblie) and you have no support network nearby.
My guess is that you already have enough work to do and that you feel he is not pulling his weight, and you feel resentful.
I'm probably projecting, since this is how I felt 15 years ago.
You will have to find a way of telling him what you want as an adult, and not a naughty child., or HE will start to feel resentful too.
Hopefully other MNers can point you in the right direction.