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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The way I speak to my partner: are we doomed?

278 replies

MoanerLisa2021 · 07/01/2021 12:16

I know IABVU and I need you lovely straight-talking ladies to sort me the eff out!

I have this really lovely partner of 4 years with innumerable good qualities. Ok he could do a bit better on the beard-hair-all-over-the-sink front, but I know I’ve got a good’un and I’m really really lucky.

So why does every word out of my mouth to him always seem to be a nag or a moan? I can’t seem to help myself, I make up my mind to try really hard not to nag or moan and before I know it it’s out of my mouth and he’s offended or hurt that despite everything good he does, I’m incapable of laying off him for any tiny transgression like not wiping the hob down after he’s splattered food all over it.

He usually weathers the storm and continues to be a little gem until every now and again it gets too much for him and he has a go at me. I get upset and tell him I know I’m a total cow, resolve 100% to do better. And it lasts for all of like an hour.

What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I show respect towards a fabulous guy? He definitely questions whether I love him and I really feel like I do love him so much! I couldn’t be without him or with anyone else. To compound the issue, I had a baby 9 months ago and my sex drive is pretty much zero (was also zero in the latter part of pregnancy and tbh I wasn’t exactly gagging for it before that).

We do live 3 hours from my family and 2 hours from his, in an unfamiliar area after returning from overseas so neither of us has any friends nearby. But that sounds like an excuse and I shouldn’t be making excuses.

Thoughts? puts on helmet and prepares for the worst

OP posts:
Icanseegreenshoots · 07/01/2021 14:58

Be cheerful when you say it, make a joke - you can still communicate the hob needs a wipe down without stressing.

1Morewineplease · 07/01/2021 15:02

T*wo ticks and a wish
*
What utterly patronising claptrap.

79andnotout · 07/01/2021 15:03

Ugh I am really critical and my boyfriend is really sarcastic. We have to be careful not to drift into conversations where we end up just sniping at each other.

Both of us grew up in toxic households and were embroiled in our parents acrimonious divorces so have to recognise we didn't have good role models, that we do really like each other, and try to reign it in. Most of our interactions are pleasant but sometimes he tells me I'm just like his mother and that gets me thinking!

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 07/01/2021 15:05

@Icanseegreenshoots

Be cheerful when you say it, make a joke - you can still communicate the hob needs a wipe down without stressing.
Christ, no. That's from the abusive husband 'I was only joking - can't you take a joke?' playbook.
Eckhart · 07/01/2021 15:10

The hair of a good man is just as annoying as the hair of a bad man, when it's in a sink.

Why do you end up apologising for the fact that he keeps leaving a mess?

Being a good person isn't an excuse for not living respectfully with your cohabitants.

Why can’t I show respect towards a fabulous guy

WTF? He leaves hair all over your shared sink and grease all over your shared kitchen, you've told him it bothers you, he ignores that consistently, and you think you're being disrespectful?

Rewis · 07/01/2021 15:12

Isn't it the person who DOESN'T cook (and get the kitchen messy) who has to clean and wipe it afterwards?

I don't like this "rule". When my bf cooks he somehow manages to use every pot, pan and utensil in the kitchen and spread the tomatoe sauce to the hob, counter and walls. Where as I clean as I go, reuse (when appropriate) pots and utensils. Technically I guess I could do the same mess but it seems very inefficient. I think the person who didn't cook can co-clean but it shouldn't be their responsibility automatically

CatherineTheNotSoGreat · 07/01/2021 15:14

Hmm. Nagging. Such a loaded word. IME women generally 'nag' when there is plenty to nag about.

I wonder if he's quite as much of a gem as you say.

Tell us more.

CorianderBee · 07/01/2021 15:22

@Motnight

If someone told me that they wished I had wiped down the kitchen surfaces after I had cooked and served them a meal, I would be really pissed off.
Why? It's a basic part of cleaning as you cook.
SpaceOp · 07/01/2021 15:25

@KatieJaneGreen

I feel like if I have to go into the kitchen ONE MORE TIME and take all the cups and plates and bowls that Dh has put in the sink into the dishwasher I might explode. However, I'm also mature enough to understand that this really is a small thing and that overall he does his fair share and that he probably feels that way about the piles of shoes by the front door.

But if the shoes stay forever in the hall, it makes no difference apart from looking untidy, perhaps. Putting cups, bowls and plates in the sink wen there's a dishwasher right there, in the kitchen, is creating unnecessary work for someone else.

Well, DH would DEFINITELY argue that tidying up the shoes and putting them all back on the shoe rack IS a necessity and that therefore me (and kids) are making extra work for him. And, to be fair, considering the size of our hallway, he is probably right! Grin.
Covidiotmil · 07/01/2021 15:29

@ThePlantsitter

I think you should put on something lacy and try to get yourself in the mood - doesn't he deserve it? And if you don't get in the mood just fake it 'til you make it. When you open your mouth to nag him pause and instead think about all the hard work he does for your family all day. I'm sure whatever you do pales into insignificance in comparison. Doesn't he deserve a nice rest? Would it kill you to wipe the cooker top?

Otherwise you could buy yourself a scold's brindle?

Hmm

That’s a good summary of the surrendered wife book which is very helpful on nagging, why we do it and how not to
Regularsizedrudy · 07/01/2021 15:36

Maybe he should just clean up after himself?

Alonelonelyloner · 07/01/2021 15:42

Nagging is awful. My DP has a tendency to it and the way I see it is, if you wouldn't speak a a non-family member that way, don't speak to your partner that way (in nagging terms obviously not 'sexy' talk - IYSWIM).

Is it necessary to pick up on every little thing. Don't sweat the small stuff. Seriously. Life is too short.

notalwaysalondoner · 07/01/2021 15:48

OP, I feel you. I have a wonderful DH, but I do nag. But I'm still not certain I'm really being a nag, or just we have quite different standards plus he was raised by a super traditional SAHM and subconsciously expects someone to do everything for him domestically. It's probably somewhere in the middle.

I don't really have any solutions - my DH seems to have no shame about trying to weasel out of domestic stuff he finds boring, although I've whipped him into a reasonable standard so on most things we're at a happy compromise. How do you split your household tasks? I think one big thing that made it better for us was to move from sharing everything (e.g. one person does the dishwasher one day, the next day the other person does it) to defined tasks (e.g. the dishwasher is my job, the laundry is your job). That way if a job hasn't been done it's much more clearly someone's fault and not just nagging. But you have to agree to what standards the job is 'done'.

Loseweightanddeclutter21 · 07/01/2021 15:48

@Rewis

Isn't it the person who DOESN'T cook (and get the kitchen messy) who has to clean and wipe it afterwards?

I don't like this "rule". When my bf cooks he somehow manages to use every pot, pan and utensil in the kitchen and spread the tomatoe sauce to the hob, counter and walls. Where as I clean as I go, reuse (when appropriate) pots and utensils. Technically I guess I could do the same mess but it seems very inefficient. I think the person who didn't cook can co-clean but it shouldn't be their responsibility automatically

Yes I don't like this rule either, especially as it's usually possible to clear up to a fair degree as you go along. If you are my DH however and don't bother to empty the DW before you start cooking, you end up with dirty pots stacked everywhere unnecessarily.

I'm sorry, I can't find the reference now, but an earlier poster mentioned that she was diagnosed with a serious mh condition that made her "nag" , I don't like the term nag though , and I'd be interested to know what sort of my condition would cause this. Not being goady , genuine enquiry , as my sister is in a similar relationship.

Eckhart · 07/01/2021 15:49

Is it necessary to pick up on every little thing. Don't sweat the small stuff. Seriously. Life is too short

If someone is being driven bananas by anything, anything at all, they don't need to shut themselves up about it. If it's such a small thing, it won't be much effort for their partner to respect their wishes, will it? Life is too short to put up with irritatingly having to clear up all the time after your partner. Or perhaps you think that's what OP's life is for?

NoNarniaBecauseLipstick · 07/01/2021 15:50

@MintyMabel

that was a delicious meal you made and thanks for trying a new recipe, if I had a wish I'd say that I'd also love if you could wipe the kitchen surfaces after you cook

Eurgh. My mum did this to us as kids. It was hideous as after every compliment you waited for her to come out with some criticism. Even now as an adult, I wait for the bad that follows the good.

Better just to pick the appropriate battle. If he isn’t fussed that the hob is messy, either find the same mindset or clean it yourself.

Yay! It’s not just me. I feel better. I hate that grudging-praise-then-hit-you-with-the-criticism thing.

DH wants me to use this technique on him (probably because his Mum is a primary school teacher) but I just want to tell him stuff straight.

Alonelonelyloner · 07/01/2021 15:51

of course it isn't but if you ask them once or twice and they continue to do it and are deliberately annoying you with their messiness (or whatever), then call it a day or give them an ultimatum. Don't just incessantly mention it for years.

Alonelonelyloner · 07/01/2021 15:52

posted too soon,

because that is bad for you in any case to feel like a nag and disrespected by mess etc.

ShirleyPhallus · 07/01/2021 15:52

“If I had a wish it would be...” is one of the most nauseatingly twee things I’ve read on mumsnet. Do people really use this in real life?

Eckhart · 07/01/2021 15:55

@Alonelonelyloner

posted too soon,

because that is bad for you in any case to feel like a nag and disrespected by mess etc.

I think the idea is that you respect your own feelings, and say what you mean and mean what you say. The point at which you choose to view stating your own opinions as 'nagging' is the point where someone else's preferences have over-ridden your self respect.
Calmondeck · 07/01/2021 15:59

Well if Ruth Bader Ginsburg said “it helps to sometimes be a little deaf” (in marriage), it sounds like it could help if you’re also a little blind. I feel a bit sorry for your OH. It probably doesn’t cross your mind that there will be things you do/don’t do around the house that probably grate on him, but he’s an adult. He doesn’t want to jeopardise the harmony for something trivial. Of course, the little things are the big things, but I can’t imagine having to explain to my kid down the track that mum and dad didn’t work out because in the end there were just too many stray beard hairs on the sink.

Wheresmykimchi · 07/01/2021 16:06

@Snog

Try two ticks and a wish Eg that was a delicious meal you made and thanks for trying a new recipe, if I had a wish I'd say that I'd also love if you could wipe the kitchen surfaces after you cook.
Really?
SomewhatBored · 07/01/2021 16:10

@ShirleyPhallus

“If I had a wish it would be...” is one of the most nauseatingly twee things I’ve read on mumsnet. Do people really use this in real life?
It's just another version of what's known as the 'shit sandwich' in feedback lore.

Nobody's fooled.

Maunderingdrunkenly · 07/01/2021 16:12

OP, it just reads like the whole post is worded weirdly to me as it sounds like mental gymnastics to try and make him out to be a good man when he’s sounds very very blah domestically. cheeringly saying ‘what a pickle I’ve got myself into!’ when maybe the reality is living with him is very wearing and you can’t quite admit it.

When you say he has a go at you what does that look like? Is he questioning if you love him to shock you and get you to shut up? Like be a cool wife or I’m labelling you a nag.

Robbybobtail · 07/01/2021 16:16

It’s not nagging, it’s trying to get him to take responsibility for cleaning up after himself. You shouldn’t have to tell him to clean the hob after he’s cooked (unless you are jumping on him straight away of course).

Have a look at women’s “mental load” it helped me explain to my own dh why I get so frustrated when I have to micro-manage every little thing that needs doing in the house.