The way I speak to my partner: are we doomed?

[MoanerLisa2021]

I know IABVU and I need you lovely straight-talking ladies to sort me the eff out!

I have this really lovely partner of 4 years with innumerable good qualities. Ok he could do a bit better on the beard-hair-all-over-the-sink front, but I know I’ve got a good’un and I’m really really lucky.

So why does every word out of my mouth to him always seem to be a nag or a moan? I can’t seem to help myself, I make up my mind to try really hard not to nag or moan and before I know it it’s out of my mouth and he’s offended or hurt that despite everything good he does, I’m incapable of laying off him for any tiny transgression like not wiping the hob down after he’s splattered food all over it.

He usually weathers the storm and continues to be a little gem until every now and again it gets too much for him and he has a go at me. I get upset and tell him I know I’m a total cow, resolve 100% to do better. And it lasts for all of like an hour.

What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I show respect towards a fabulous guy? He definitely questions whether I love him and I really feel like I do love him so much! I couldn’t be without him or with anyone else. To compound the issue, I had a baby 9 months ago and my sex drive is pretty much zero (was also zero in the latter part of pregnancy and tbh I wasn’t exactly gagging for it before that).

We do live 3 hours from my family and 2 hours from his, in an unfamiliar area after returning from overseas so neither of us has any friends nearby. But that sounds like an excuse and I shouldn’t be making excuses.

Thoughts? puts on helmet and prepares for the worst

@ancientgran tbh I never do anything fun or anything at all really, just stay in the house all the time. Even between the lockdowns I was so panicky about the baby I still didn’t really venture out.

@Mnusernc yes I am breastfeeding, 4 times a day now that baby is on 3 solid meals but before I was EBF. Didn’t occur to me that that might have anything to do with it!

Well, either he's catastrophising, which he needs to fix, or he actually isn't doing enough to make you happy.

Which is it?

I actually think he sounds a bit of a twat.

"Nagging" is as misogynistic term as "hen-pecked".

Some of what you've listed is awful. Swearing while reading to the baby, not as a one off but more than once. It sounds like he is not taking notice of when the baby has finished the food in her mouth but just shoving it in to get the job done. Risking winding a knowingly reactive dog up using the baby is disgusting. As is putting wet dirty cloths on dry clean ones. Leaving beer bottle caps IN the drawer?! WTF, leaving them on the side is annoying but opening a drawer to take the bottle opener out and dropping the cap into the drawer never to be taken out again makes him sound like a lazy student.

I'm starting to wonder if he pretends he's super busy with his work because he wants to avoid family life, and you know, being an adult - like putting your fecking bottle caps in the bin!

Oh, and the reason you don't feel too amorous towards him could well be you seeing him for what he is since having the baby and needing an adult to parent with you, not a house-sharing student.

Ask him

If I see food all over the hob, or hairs all over the sink, or any mess that you have caused, what should I do? In your opinion?

I'd be interested to know what he thinks the right cause of action is.

After reading your first post I thought maybe you were at fault, but after your long subsequent post I can see why you behave the way you do. Just so many irritating examples of yet another man who "doesn't see dirt" or "doesn't think", meaning you're the one who regularly has to pick up the slack if you don't want a minging house and a bitten baby.

I'm afraid I don't know what the answer is as it's examples like yours that are why I don't think I could ever live with anyone again (I had a man like yours once and he drove me nuts) 🙁😡

Have you read this?:
www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288
"...I remember my wife often saying how exhausting it was for her to have to tell me what to do all the time. It’s why the sexiest thing a man can say to his partner is “I got this,” and then take care of whatever needs taken care of
"I always reasoned: “If you just tell me what you want me to do, I’ll gladly do it.”
"But she didn’t want to be my mother."

It sums up how little things can lead to relationship breakdowns.

Ask him
If I see food all over the hob, or hairs all over the sink, or any mess that you have caused, what should I do? In your opinion?

I'd be interested to know what he thinks the right cause of action is.

So would I. The food on the hob one he might well say "well, I cooked so you should clean up" though. Maybe you should try cleaning your hair brush over the sink just before you know he needs to use it and see what his reaction is. It would be interesting to know how he views mess and if he'd just work round it, whether it was his own or someone else's.

Yes. A handful of hairbrush-hair draped over the bristles of his toothbrush might nudge him towards a better understanding.

[quote MoanerLisa2021]@DishedUp this is true. The last time he trimmed his beard he even said “I tried my best to clean the hair up so don’t moan if I’ve missed any, it wasn’t on purpose”. I went in and there were quite obvious dark hairs on the white sink, bath and toilet! How that constitutes ‘trying his best’ I don’t know [/quote]
Well, I'm not sure how you feel about this OP, but I feel like killing him.

I could have written your long explanatory post op. Drives me mad and YANBU at all. The thing is though, like your DH, my DH is a genuinely good bloke who does more than his fair share. So I've got to consider whether he genuinely doesn't see it ; as he is kind and giving in every other way , although every bone in my body finds that explanation incredulous. The thing I have found though is that just like with anything else, the more they practice, the better they get at it.

He sounds appalling. Habitually swearing during stories and putting the baby at risk with the dog.......wtaf.

@Snog

Try two ticks and a wish Eg that was a delicious meal you made and thanks for trying a new recipe, if I had a wish I'd say that I'd also love if you could wipe the kitchen surfaces after you cook.

Do not do this. It's unbearably patronising. Imagine that in reverse from your partner "I love this dinner, you look lovely as well darling...it would be lovely if you'd also push the hoover around"

Sarahuk1

Snog
Try two ticks and a wish
Eg that was a delicious meal you made and thanks for trying a new recipe, if I had a wish I'd say that I'd also love if you could wipe the kitchen surfaces after you cook.

Do not do this. It's unbearably patronising.
Imagine that in reverse from your partner "I love this dinner, you look lovely as well darling...it would be lovely if you'd also push the hoover around"

Ha!!! Exactly!

I think it's telling that OP has titled this post with a criticism of herself. Mr I-Can-Do-No-Wrong gets off scott free with his misdemeanors that are all actually based in his pure innocence and perfection, and the problem is all OP's fault because she has the audacity to speak. When she does so, Mr I-Can-Do-No-Wrong's perfect little world crumbles, doesn't it. So OP feels herself to be responsible for holding him together, and crumbles herself instead.

Wise words @sadie9

OP, forget whose fault it is. Answer your DP's partner's question: "Do you love him". If you don't, tell him or leave him. If you do, learn to compromise or, if you don't want to, leave him.

I don't know if the term nagging is misogynistic but it is controlling behaviour which is one of the best signs of an unhealthy relationship.

@MoanerLisa2021 unless he has some sort of visual impairment he didn't try his best, he did a half arsed job of cleaning up his own mess and expected you to do the rest.

He might have said he did but he quite blatantly didn't. He's just throwing that comment out there to force you to finish the job because he's too lazy to do it properly

Is there any activity you would do that makes a mess and you wouldn't think to clean up afterwards? Because I can't think of a single situation where I would do an activity I know makes a mass and not clean it up. Who is supposed to clean up his hairs if he isn't?

I can't read the whole thread but is there any chance he's fuckwit who is gaslighting you into thinking that if you comment on a grown man making a mess and just leaving it there for you to clean up it is you who are somehow in the wrong????

Hi OP. You’re not a nag, he’s just incompetent. I was with someone like that, I swear it was somewhere between just pure incompetence and passive aggressiveness. He would tell me to lower my standards. I tried, really I did, but it got to the point that I couldn’t lower them anymore, he never bothered to try and raise them so he’s now my ex.

I read your first post and though the pp who said this was probably accurate.

If he is habitually doing things that create work for you so that you need to remind him not to, and doesn't change despite being asked, then you're not being a nag. If he NEVER cleans the kitchen down when he's done using it, never cleans his beard hairs up, never does X or Y, then what he is doing is forcing you to do them for him or forcing you to ask him to. That way you're the unreasonable nag, on the back foot and wondering if there's something wrong with you, and he can benevolently smile and 'allow' your nagging because he still gets shit cleaned up for him. That doesn't make him a nice person, that makes him lazy. He might not be doing it on purpose, but he is doing it.

After reading all of your posts, Im now certain this pp was correct. He sounds awful.

[quote MoanerLisa2021]@Mnusernc yes I am breastfeeding, 4 times a day now that baby is on 3 solid meals but before I was EBF. Didn’t occur to me that that might have anything to do with it![/quote]
It's the breastfeeding, it's designed to stop you getting pregnant. It will get better when you reduce/stop the feeding. 4 years on I quite like mine again 😂

To be honest, OP, he sounds like an absolute arse who doesn’t “do his fair share” at all. What he does is a half-assed, lazy job because he can’t be fucked to do it properly because you will sort out the consequences of his actions - but you mustn’t ever mention that because then you clearly don’t love him and it’s not fair because he tries so hard ...

Bollocks. Don’t fall for it. I wouldn’t fancy sex with him much either, quite honestly.

If he does the thing with the baby and the ‘slightly reactive’ dog ever again you must go BALLISTIC.

And similarly if he keeps “amusingly” swearing when reading a bedtime story. Fuck being grateful he’s reading one at all - that’s properly low standards. Why does he want his sweet little child to learn to swear like a trucker - why is that his ambition for your baby?

Stop believing he’s hard done by and you’re a nag.

Jeez OP, YADNBU.
Sorry to say but he’s a slob. Plain and simple. I came on to link a post but I see CurlyhairedAssasin beat me to it. It’s worth a read.
I think there probably was a time when the big things (hair in the sink, bottle-tops in the drawer etc) bothered you a lot, the little things not so much. But now you’re tired of the big things and reminding him so much, that everything bothers you. I don’t blame you. It is a little ‘fuck her, she’ll do it’. Which is really unpleasant. There’s probably a bit of gaslighting there too. I know you think he’s amazing, but really he isn’t. Sounds pretty mean to me. Don’t start me on the dog incident

Hmm. I'm no neat freak but he sounds sloppy even by my standards. The dogs' paws being cleaned properly is an absolute must if you don't want mud being trailed around the house. Washing up properly is a must for me.

I'm with you on recycling - especially dregs from cans, a pet peeve of mine - but my otherwise-fussy DP is weirdly unbothered about that so I've kind of learnt to let it go.

I think the way forward might be twofold:

• Pick your battles. In your own head divide the things that annoy you on a regular basis into things you will Hold The Line on and things you will Let Go. His fizzy drink consumption, for example - you don't need to say another word about this.

• Have a big meta talk about his standards. Not "in the moment" when you're annoyed and he feels nagged, but when you're calmer. Frame it in a spirit of compromise: you feel bad for nagging and want to reduce it, but he has to meet you halfway and up his standards on X Y and Z.

I could have written the OP myself, I also have a DP who is thoughtful and caring is so many ways and is now downstairs cooking dinner for us but he WILL leave the place in a mess with stuff everywhere and it’ll then be my job to wash up and clean the kitchen. I could leave the kitchen splattered with food and he probably wouldn’t care but I don’t want to leave it like that.

The other day he did the food shopping and was unpacking it (both wfh at the moment and his job allows plenty of downtime) and left items just out on the side rather than put them in their correct place. It’s either down to me to put them away or ask him to to which he says sarcastically “well I’m sorry I got it wrong”

Considering leaving this relationship over how incompatible we are over household tidiness/cleanliness