The way I speak to my partner: are we doomed?

[MoanerLisa2021]

I know IABVU and I need you lovely straight-talking ladies to sort me the eff out!

I have this really lovely partner of 4 years with innumerable good qualities. Ok he could do a bit better on the beard-hair-all-over-the-sink front, but I know I’ve got a good’un and I’m really really lucky.

So why does every word out of my mouth to him always seem to be a nag or a moan? I can’t seem to help myself, I make up my mind to try really hard not to nag or moan and before I know it it’s out of my mouth and he’s offended or hurt that despite everything good he does, I’m incapable of laying off him for any tiny transgression like not wiping the hob down after he’s splattered food all over it.

He usually weathers the storm and continues to be a little gem until every now and again it gets too much for him and he has a go at me. I get upset and tell him I know I’m a total cow, resolve 100% to do better. And it lasts for all of like an hour.

What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I show respect towards a fabulous guy? He definitely questions whether I love him and I really feel like I do love him so much! I couldn’t be without him or with anyone else. To compound the issue, I had a baby 9 months ago and my sex drive is pretty much zero (was also zero in the latter part of pregnancy and tbh I wasn’t exactly gagging for it before that).

We do live 3 hours from my family and 2 hours from his, in an unfamiliar area after returning from overseas so neither of us has any friends nearby. But that sounds like an excuse and I shouldn’t be making excuses.

Thoughts? puts on helmet and prepares for the worst

I wouldn't want sex with him either.

Yes some of the things you are moaning about are inconsequential in the grand scheme of things but in reality my stand on these things is mutual respect.

It doesn't matter if my husband doesn't care about not pulling the bottom sheet straight when he makes the bed, he knows I will have to make it again before we get into bed if he doesn't do it properly as I can't stand sleeping on a crumpled sheet. It does matter though if he has that little respect for me and my feelings that he can't be bothered to take a couple of minutes out of his day to do something that he knows will bother me and create more work for me later in the day.

It isn't about the chore its about respect and having respect for each other.

When you pull him up for things that bother you does he apologies or does he just belittle your feelings and make out that you are a nag?

My friend has just booted out her husband of 20 years because she finally had had enough of him treating her like her opinion wasn't important enough (NHS staff working ridiculous shifts and still coming home to find him sat playing on xbox without doing washing up etc), she kept trying to tell him and ask him, he kept telling her she was a nag. Well now she won't have to be a nag anymore because he isn't there to pick up after.

What's interesting about this for me, is that he thinks you don't get to control how things are, but he doesn't seem to see that instead his option is for HIM to control how things are. Cleanliness is to HIS standard. What goes in the drawer is what HE decides goes in the drawer. etc. There is no compromise here at all.

The Christmas thing is valid and he had a right to be upset about that. BUT..... why didn't he say something ages in advance? It seems unlikely to me that this was a decision made at the last minute. Ditto, the TV thing is a bit silly - because of course you shouldn't be forcing him to watch but similarly, why doesn't he just say something?

So, what seems to be happening here is that on some of the "bigger" things you make the decisions and he goes along with it but is resentful of it. He then acts like a child and gets passive aggressive but trying to exert control in areas that he feels he can. And if it pisses you off, so much the better.

Which means you have a bigger problem here. Both of you are so busy trying to exert control and thinking your issues/feelings/concerns are the most important you've lost the ability to think about the other one at all.

So, what seems to be happening here is that on some of the "bigger" things you make the decisions and he goes along with it but is resentful of it. He then acts like a child and gets passive aggressive but trying to exert control in areas that he feels he can. And if it pisses you off, so much the better.

We've only got the OP's account to go on, but my guess is that it's worse (or, rather, more pernicious) than this, and that he's going along with things like this more or less willingly and then holding it against OP in subsequent arguments. Or if he's really emotionally fucked up, he's going along with it in order to have something to use against the OP in subsequent arguments.