The way I speak to my partner: are we doomed?

[MoanerLisa2021]

I know IABVU and I need you lovely straight-talking ladies to sort me the eff out!

I have this really lovely partner of 4 years with innumerable good qualities. Ok he could do a bit better on the beard-hair-all-over-the-sink front, but I know I’ve got a good’un and I’m really really lucky.

So why does every word out of my mouth to him always seem to be a nag or a moan? I can’t seem to help myself, I make up my mind to try really hard not to nag or moan and before I know it it’s out of my mouth and he’s offended or hurt that despite everything good he does, I’m incapable of laying off him for any tiny transgression like not wiping the hob down after he’s splattered food all over it.

He usually weathers the storm and continues to be a little gem until every now and again it gets too much for him and he has a go at me. I get upset and tell him I know I’m a total cow, resolve 100% to do better. And it lasts for all of like an hour.

What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I show respect towards a fabulous guy? He definitely questions whether I love him and I really feel like I do love him so much! I couldn’t be without him or with anyone else. To compound the issue, I had a baby 9 months ago and my sex drive is pretty much zero (was also zero in the latter part of pregnancy and tbh I wasn’t exactly gagging for it before that).

We do live 3 hours from my family and 2 hours from his, in an unfamiliar area after returning from overseas so neither of us has any friends nearby. But that sounds like an excuse and I shouldn’t be making excuses.

Thoughts? puts on helmet and prepares for the worst

First off you need to work out whether you are being unreasonable or not by process of elimination. Does he actually pull his weight domestically? The one example you've provided: not wiping down the hob, is a fairly minor transgression in my view and I wouldn't tear someone a new one about this. But if its part of a pattern whereby he expects you to be his mum then it is a problem.

If you honestly think you are BU you need to work out whether you actually truly want to be with him. In my experience if relatively trivial actions wind you up that much its a signal that you don't really want to be with someone. If you love someone to bits those sorts of minor things are much easier to wave off. Are you compatible? Do you have fun in other areas of your life? Do you have shared interests? Or is he just of value to you because he's nice to have around etc.

If you really genuinely think he pulls his weight and is respectful and loving etc you need to have a word with yourself. Think of every nag as being a drop of water that wears away on a rock and will eventually erode your relationship.

You are not nagging - he is not behaving how a grown man should. Clean up after yourself is pretty standard. If he gets upset at that, the issue is on him and not you. I feel like I am 'nagging' when actually my DP is incapable of doing anything in the house without being told!

@MintyMabel I can just imagine DH’s face if I tried to use techniques used with young primary school kids on him.

I wouldn’t be impressed if he did it to me either.

It’s one thing saying, try to make sure you focus on the positives. But no adult wants to be patronised with ‘if I had a wish...’

Shit this could be me - with both DH and D(adult)S - I will point out the fact that they call it nagging and I call it dumping it all back on me - thank you for making me realise I am only like this because THEY are like this..

So good uns really leave beard hair everywhere and splattered cookers?

Mine does the bulk of the cooking. If he makes a mess of the hob, it doesn’t take me long when I’m clearing up.

A friend once offered this explanation -

‘Nagging is the necessary repetition of unpalatable truths’

It’s ok to say what you think, as long as you say both the good and the bad.

If all he ever hears is the bad, and you only think the good things but never actually say them, then yes, there will be friction.

Unless you are actually living with a lazy slob, in which case, your options are do it all yourself/leave the bastard/get a cleaner (and he can pay).

But no adult wants to be patronised with ‘if I had a wish...’

Can you even imagine! 😄

There’s just something about this writing style that makes me think it’s written by the man!
I imagine the reality is that she has no support network, feels alone and overwhelmed by caring for a 9 month old, and is being made to feel guilty for not being up for sex.

Her partner thinks he’s a “nice guy” and that he should be applauded for doing the bare minimum of cooking some meals. But he never completes a job and leaves mess for her to clean up.

Anytime she tries to broach the subject and raise her frustrations, she’s told she’s a nag and she apologises for an easy life.

Two ticks and a wish?

Two fucks and an off! Imagine someone speaking to you like this! 🤣🤣🤣

He shouldn't need to be told to tidy up after himself. If you do need to tell him he shouldn't need to be told more than once. Basically, if he stopped being so lazy and selfish you wouldn't need to keep repeating yourself. My wife has never nagged me but then my mother worked any sense of entitlement relating to domestic chores right out my system whilst I was still in short trousers. I am no doubt a twat in other ways though, obviously.

Simple thing that you talk with love and try to understand of your partner's feelings

My DP is also a really good un, but, he's also a lazy messy twat. One doesn't make the other okay imo.

Isn't it the person who DOESN'T cook (and get the kitchen messy) who has to clean and wipe it afterwards?

I find that the things that can escalate into nagging fall into two categories - chores and habits.

If chores are a recurrent issue - divvy them up ahead of time. And then leave the other person alone to get on with it at their own pace - within reason, but acknowledging that they might not clean or hoover as frequently as you. If they slack off to a point where things get a bit gross (as opposed to just a bit messy) then just say: you haven't done your chore.

Habits? Well, after 10 years I still sigh at DP when he doesn't screw lids on properly after using them (he is being VVVU here, it's barbaric), and he still sighs at me when I kick off my shoes instead of putting them on the shoe rack (I'm sure he thinks the same of me). I would say the key here is - if you have to mention them, turn them into sarcastic humour and roll your eyes (with affection). But fundamentally - you probably just have to learn to live with these foibles. And hopefully they're more than outweighed by the good bits.

Here's what a partner might say to you:
"I've done nothing wrong. Please don't speak to me like that, I don't feel respected when you constantly point out my faults. If you are angry at the world that's fine, but you don't take it out on me. It's like you are allowed speak to me like I am a piece of shit, but if I say anything to you then you cry and turn it against yourself and it's boo hoo hoo I'm such a bad person, ooh what a failure I am, but funnily enough that's all about you again. So no matter what happens it's all about you and I am just the whipping boy who has to shut up and take it or else you get upset and then get angry at yourself. This makes it very difficult for us to actually talk about our feelings or what is going on between us".
OP maybe you are depressed? Have you spoken to your GP about how you feel. Have you thought about counselling to express how you are feeling? If you had a baby 9 mths ago, plus this pandemic, that's a lot to cope with Mrs.
We've only heard what your behaviour is, you haven't talked about your feelings. Maybe you don't express your feelings too well so it all comes out as anger against a 'safe' person in your life. Sometimes if we ourselves are depressed we get angry at others who are inexplicably 'happy' and 'normal'.

Isn't it the person who DOESN'T cook (and get the kitchen messy) who has to clean and wipe it afterwards?

That always seems fairest. It was always the division of labour when I lived with my ex. I’d cook; he’d clean up. Everyone contributed.

I think it all depends on whether he deserves it or not.
In the examples you've given, leaving hair all over the sink and leaving food all over the hob, are irritating habits and if he routinely doesn't do that kind of thing, he is either content with living like that or expects you to clean it up for him.
Everyone has annoying habits but also everyone has to recognise that your annoying habits impact on the people that you live with, and everyone has to compromise on things that really wind your partner up.
My husband sometimes leaves shavings in the sink etc but I'm not too bothered about clearing it up as he does other household tasks like bins, hoovering, clearing up after I cook, ordering and putting away shopping, loading and unloading dishwasher etc. We do about equal in terms of time on household tasks and this was the same throughout when I was on maternity leave as my 'job' was looking after the baby.
So I think it also depends on a few things whether you're a nag or not -
the general division of labour in your house
Why he has left stuff, if it's because he was genuinely going to do it later then I think you could let it go, as it's just a timescale thing. If its because he isnt bothered about mess then you both need to discuss an agreed level of cleanliness and both compromise a bit. If it's because 'he works/ he is tired' or any other excuse then I think that's pretty disrespectful because he actually just thinks it's your job. And if he is trying to get out of it by calling you a nag, or bringing your sex life into the discussion, then I think you have bigger issues than a bit of hair or mess

The above is assuming he made himself something and left the hob messy...if he was cooking for the family then I I wouldht be expecting him to clean up as well

I have the same only in my direction, from my partner. and I always think, why is he so angry and rude about trifles in my direction, maybe you just got angry because of work or something? and usually often the negative pours out on loved ones

@icelollycraving

Thoughts? I hate posts that end with either thoughts or discuss. Both make me irrationally angry. You can stop, you appear to not want to. I haven't heard the term good un for years.

I was going to reply but you've said everything for me

Eg that was a delicious meal you made and thanks for trying a new recipe, if I had a wish I'd say that I'd also love if you could wipe the kitchen surfaces after you cook.

That sounds so horribly patronising.

It sounds like you’ve got into the habit of nagging and nitpicking. Your frustrations might be totally justified, but continual nagging will eventually damage your relationship.

My DH continually comes up with lists of things I need to do. He means well, he’s just vocalizing what needs to get done ( and he does plenty himself), but it’s affecting our relationship, esp. with WFH. I can’t even get away from his endless lists for a few hours! 🤣

I told him recently that he’s boring me and that I don’t want our conversations to be based on chores. You’re probably boring your DH too. Try to focus less on the small things and have more fun together-even if it’s just talking about where you’d like to go on holiday when you finally can!

What would happen if you left the mess?

I feel like if I have to go into the kitchen ONE MORE TIME and take all the cups and plates and bowls that Dh has put in the sink into the dishwasher I might explode. However, I'm also mature enough to understand that this really is a small thing and that overall he does his fair share and that he probably feels that way about the piles of shoes by the front door.

But if the shoes stay forever in the hall, it makes no difference apart from looking untidy, perhaps. Putting cups, bowls and plates in the sink wen there's a dishwasher right there, in the kitchen, is creating unnecessary work for someone else.

...when