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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The way I speak to my partner: are we doomed?

278 replies

MoanerLisa2021 · 07/01/2021 12:16

I know IABVU and I need you lovely straight-talking ladies to sort me the eff out!

I have this really lovely partner of 4 years with innumerable good qualities. Ok he could do a bit better on the beard-hair-all-over-the-sink front, but I know I’ve got a good’un and I’m really really lucky.

So why does every word out of my mouth to him always seem to be a nag or a moan? I can’t seem to help myself, I make up my mind to try really hard not to nag or moan and before I know it it’s out of my mouth and he’s offended or hurt that despite everything good he does, I’m incapable of laying off him for any tiny transgression like not wiping the hob down after he’s splattered food all over it.

He usually weathers the storm and continues to be a little gem until every now and again it gets too much for him and he has a go at me. I get upset and tell him I know I’m a total cow, resolve 100% to do better. And it lasts for all of like an hour.

What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I show respect towards a fabulous guy? He definitely questions whether I love him and I really feel like I do love him so much! I couldn’t be without him or with anyone else. To compound the issue, I had a baby 9 months ago and my sex drive is pretty much zero (was also zero in the latter part of pregnancy and tbh I wasn’t exactly gagging for it before that).

We do live 3 hours from my family and 2 hours from his, in an unfamiliar area after returning from overseas so neither of us has any friends nearby. But that sounds like an excuse and I shouldn’t be making excuses.

Thoughts? puts on helmet and prepares for the worst

OP posts:
SpaceOp · 07/01/2021 13:26

I was chatting to a friend a while back (pre current lockdown) whose DP wasn't talking to her. Why? Because she had come into the house, seen the huge pile of washing just sitting there in the corridor and snapped at him to ask him why the F* he hadn't done it when he'd been home, alone, all day. He felt her tone was mean and disrespectful. He also told her that he had no idea she wanted him to do the washing, and she should have "asked" him before she'd left that morning.

And all I could think was, "How are YOU the baddie in this situation?"

supersop60 · 07/01/2021 13:28

@ThePlantsitter

I think you should put on something lacy and try to get yourself in the mood - doesn't he deserve it? And if you don't get in the mood just fake it 'til you make it. When you open your mouth to nag him pause and instead think about all the hard work he does for your family all day. I'm sure whatever you do pales into insignificance in comparison. Doesn't he deserve a nice rest? Would it kill you to wipe the cooker top?

Otherwise you could buy yourself a scold's brindle?

Hmm

I'm sorry. What now?
BrightYellowDaffodil · 07/01/2021 13:31

I think you should put on something lacy and try to get yourself in the mood - doesn't he deserve it? And if you don't get in the mood just fake it 'til you make it. When you open your mouth to nag him pause and instead think about all the hard work he does for your family all day. I'm sure whatever you do pales into insignificance in comparison. Doesn't he deserve a nice rest? Would it kill you to wipe the cooker top?

Otherwise you could buy yourself a scold's brindle?

It's 2021 and not 1951, right?

whoamongstus · 07/01/2021 13:33

Pretty sure PlantSitter was being sarcastic, lads.

ThePlantsitter · 07/01/2021 13:33

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Serin · 07/01/2021 13:37

What the Hell?
I hate how men label women as "naggers".
So let me clarify, he makes a mess, but you are in the wrong for pointing it out?
I live with 3 adult men and an adult DD. The blokes do forget to take their shoes off from time to time (hence mud all over the floor). If I point this out to them, how is this "nagging"? It is them being dozy, and they wouldn't dream of accusing me of "nagging" because they realise that they are dozy.

Original poster
MoanerLisa2021 · 07/01/2021 13:38

Thanks for the responses so far, sounds like I need to give some examples so will update in a bit- just sorting the baby’s lunch out while she empties the utensils drawer! Laughing my head off at Dear Deidre 1970 though, how have I got to the age of 34 without realising I have an absolutely ridiculous writing style?!

OP posts:
SpaceOp · 07/01/2021 13:38

despite everything good he does, this phrase actually fills me with dread. it's the classic, "But I did x and y and now you're annoyed about z" when x and y is the bare minimum to be considered a functioning partner and z is a huge thing that the other person now had to add on to their list of a, b, c, d, e, f, g, h, i, j, k, l, m, n, o, p, q, r, s, t, u, v, w.....

GingerNorthernLass · 07/01/2021 13:39

If you were nit picking me about the hob I would stop bothering to cook!

My Mum did this to me growing up and it was easier for me to make no effort. It is soul destroying doing stuff and then being picked up because this or that isn't to the right standard.

Thehollyandtheirony · 07/01/2021 13:40

Two options:

  1. you are generally a pain in the arse and difficult to live with/ travel with/ spend time with. Did you do the same to your friends, previous housemates, family when you were growing up?

2)you don't actually like your partner. He might be a great guy on paper but that doesn't mean he's right for you. Every little thing he does just winds you up because deep down you know he's not right.

OhCaptain · 07/01/2021 13:43

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stackemhigh · 07/01/2021 13:44

Third option

He’s a lazy twat who needs to be ‘bagged’ into doing anything

stackemhigh · 07/01/2021 13:45

*nagged

SpaceOp · 07/01/2021 13:49

@GingerNorthernLass

If you were nit picking me about the hob I would stop bothering to cook!

My Mum did this to me growing up and it was easier for me to make no effort. It is soul destroying doing stuff and then being picked up because this or that isn't to the right standard.

I don't care if DH makes a mess of the hob while cooking. I would get annoyed if while cleaning the kitchen he did not clean the hob if there was a mess on it.
Poppingnostopping · 07/01/2021 13:50

I think you just get into habitual patterns of interaction and you have to find ways to disrupt those. If you always get stressed/explode, then walk away, and at another calmer time, mention what you want. I used to find after arguments, we would both be bristling/not very nice for a while, til a friend suggested I be deliberately nice to my husband without expecting anything in return. I tried it and weirdly it worked- anything that breaks the habitual pattern can disrupt things and hopefully make them nicer. It's not weird to want to be nicer to your partner, Gottman's research on marriage and breakups shows that marriages where there's lots of negative interactions unsurprisingly break down, I think it's some ratio like 5:1 positive to negative, and when you start breaching that, and most interactions are negative, it's not surprising if one person starts thinking they don't want to live like that and wanting out.

Does that mean you should be positive when your husband doesn't clean the toilet? Nope, it means if you use up all your energy saying clearly 'this is really important to me, I feel like it's saying I'm fine to shovel shit and you are not, can you clean the toilet after you use it and make a mess please' then you can't follow up with another 5 complaints otherwise it feels too overwhelming.

If you feel the distribution of chores is very off in your relationship, write them all out, estimate the time per week (include everything like admin, car, housework) and renegotiate who does what.

Also, I hate people criticizing me. I wouldn't want someone to say 'hey you cooked a nice meal, next time can you wipe the surface', I'd want them to leave me alone if I was too tired! I'd want both of us to assume we are doing our best- if one person isn't doing their best, or it's really uneven, see the point above, tackle that, don't go through life telling them how they could be better constantly.

Finally, people carp at each other when they are tired, sleep-deprived and stressed, so see if you can balance that out with some fun, some laughs and some time together. I seem to remember the first year of marriage with a baby is the peak time to split up and that's because everyone is not their best selves. This will pass over time as well.

sunsetorange · 07/01/2021 13:50

OP you don't sound unreasonable asking a fully functioning adult to clean up after themselves.

I also fell into this role of having a baby - there was just so much more to do and I couldn't do all of it on my own. Partner was used to just doing things as and when so I probably ended up being a bit of a nag too.

On the sex front - again, it's absolutely knackering having a baby. Sure, you should, if both partners want to, try and find some time to spend together but you are not required to do it.

Similar narrative I see on here all the time.

QuentinWinters · 07/01/2021 13:55

I think a relationship is a dynamic so you will be reacting to things your partner does as well as him reacting to you. So you can't change this alone- you both have to do things differently.
Have a read of John Gottman, there's loads if you Google and also can I recommend this book www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0752837265/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_fabc_chX9FbK1AVFHX?tag=mumsnetforu03-21
Its really helpful for how to resolve entrenched patterns in a marriage

BeardyButton · 07/01/2021 13:58

Ha?!? Why didnt he bloody wipe the hob? Is that your job?

Im sorry - I see reverse in this. 'nagging' is a dog whistle for misogyny in my book. And you haven't been up for sex? You dont owe that to him. Its very natural for sex drive to decrease after birth and to stay that way for a good while.

Id look to your own mental health. It sounds like you are down (I understand - small child, lockdown etc). If you can make you happier, i think these issues will sort themselves (if he is a good un and you do love him).

Tal45 · 07/01/2021 14:00

Perhaps you both need to look at why you're always feeling the need to nag him and how you can both change to improve it? I wouldn't be impressed if my OH left a mess everywhere for me to clean up either.

FippertyGibbett · 07/01/2021 14:00

I feel your pain.
I’ve got a hubby and two teens who don’t know how to clean up after themselves. As kids they were great, unfortunately they grow up and get attitude !

ZippedyDooDa · 07/01/2021 14:04

Try two ticks and a wish

I think most people would respond by telling you where you can stick your ticks and wishes

DorisDaisyMay · 07/01/2021 14:08

Look happy people don't tend to be nagging other people. It's either you are personally unhappy and taking it out on him
or he is really difficult and your subconcious is pushing him away by moaning at him.

To find out which one it is, you will need to create some circumstances to be able to listen to your own intuition and identify what action to take.

My advice is to think of one thing you used to do as child (this is before you had to, were made to) and do that intentionally. This will start to spark joy in you and will have an overall uplifting effect.

Secondly, get a note book and at the end of every day write down three things that you are grateful for.

Then after a month of intentionally doing things to spark joy in you, and being grateful for what you do have, you will be able to see if being personally happier naturally makes the moaning stop or it really is him and his man-child ways.

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 07/01/2021 14:08

@stackemhigh

So good uns really leave beard hair everywhere and splattered cookers? 🧐
Mine leaves splattered hobs and there's a little mound of the little hair he has left fuzz on the spare room floor since he clippered yesterday. Oh, and I'm forever flicking dried up contact lenses into the bin from the sink where he can't see them afterwards.

However, my hair blocks the plughole regularly, I hardly ever take the recycling out and the day that led to my username resulted in him telling me to go and use the other bathroom whilst he cleaned it from top to bottom. So I think he still counts as a good 'un.

I don't use carefully contrived methods of telling him he just isn't good enough. He'd see through that in an instant. As do most kids faced with the awful What Went Well and Even Better If bollocks on their homework.

MintyMabel · 07/01/2021 14:10

that was a delicious meal you made and thanks for trying a new recipe, if I had a wish I'd say that I'd also love if you could wipe the kitchen surfaces after you cook

Eurgh. My mum did this to us as kids. It was hideous as after every compliment you waited for her to come out with some criticism. Even now as an adult, I wait for the bad that follows the good.

Better just to pick the appropriate battle. If he isn’t fussed that the hob is messy, either find the same mindset or clean it yourself.

Sheleg · 07/01/2021 14:12

You just have to recognise when it's about to happen and consciously stop yourself.

After an argument or minor spat with DH, I often find myself going a "mood" like my mother used to do. My whole childhood was backgrounded by her "moods". I refuse to continue this pattern, so I make a concerted effort to snap the fuck out of it.