To not want to help my mum

[MattWanksock]

My mum is having an epidural to help with back pain. She has been struggling with intense pain for some time after an accident over a year ago and is really looking forward to this as she believes it will help.

Yesterday (very late notice for the procedure) she stated that she has been told ideally she needs someone over night on the first night. We live over 100 miles away. She has a large enough house but it's not clean or really ready for someone to stay. I asked her where I would sleep and she said she would clear the bed in the big spare room (god knows when sheets last changed) or I could sleep in her room and she changes bedsheets on x day and therefore will only have slept in them once by the night of the e procedure.

There is also the issue that her neighbours have a history for damaging cars that park outside hers and have harassed her and one of her guests who she bubbled with in lockdown one which makes me very uncomfortable. I have looked at a hotel but have yet to hear back that they are allowing guests.

I don't think this would be breaking the rules as it's a medical procedure but I do not want to spend time in a car or hotel/house with someone who has spent the day in hospital undergoing a procedure and put my family at increased risk of catching. I'd never forgive myself if DD or DP caught it and it affected them. Also DD wants to come with me and I'm not sure.

Am i being heartless to leave her in the lurch? I would happily book the hotel but in covid times if seems risky. What would you do?

If you can’t do it, who will?

(Not goady, genuine question).

I’m just wondering whether your mum would have to cancel her procedure and be in pain if you said you wouldn’t be comfortable staying with her for the night?

Or would she just get it done anyway?

If it was my mother, yes I would go, surely you can take your own sheets and help by doing some cleaning. Or use a local hotel - my DH had to stay overnight in a hotel last night - I didn't think twice that there might be any 'risk'.

Is your DP or DD clinically vulnerable?

Unless there’s a backstory where she has treated you terribly or there is someone else that can easily do it then I think YABU for not helping your mum. Obviously if your DD or DP are particularly Covid vulnerable then that changes things a bit. I wouldn’t take your DD though, as there’s no need and if your mum needs you then your focus should
be at home.

I would help my mum of course I would. Maybe take your own clean bedding if that’s what concerns you.

Take a sleeping bag. Park your car further away.

I’d leave your DD at home, and go and support your mum. Why can’t you change the sheets yourself when you get there? Take your own if you think she won’t have any clean ones ready. Park the car down the road so it’s away from the house till you need it, then pick up and drop your mum at the door when you’re ready to leave/arrive back.

I understand your fear at bringing Covid home but hospital out patients departments are very safe. Even if your mum picked it up she won’t have developed enough viral load to pass it on to you immediately after the procedure, but ask her to sit in the back of the car and wear a clean mask (again take extra yourself for you both) and keep the windows open.

Your mum must really need this procedure to be offered it now. I wouldn’t forgive myself for leaving my mum without other options in this position.

I think YABU. Its your mum who needs you and if you're worried about clean bed sheets, take your own. If your DD wants to come too and knows the risks of covid, its a bit of a non-issue. Does your DP/H object to you going?

Honestly, I can't believe you wouldn't want to support your mother unless there was a massive back story.

Sorry op but , as you ask, I think YAB a little U.

Your mum couldn't help being in an accident and can't really be expected to keep her house clean if she has a bad back.

If this epidural will help her to be more independent then surely it helps you too in a way?

I know the trip is a huge hassle but she is your mum. If it's any reassurance , I've spent two (separate) days in hospital for procedures during the pandemic, one of them just before Christmas, and I haven't contracted Covid on either occasion.

She's your mother, I think you should do it and I agree with the pp that you could take your own sheets and clean the house while you are there.
Again, I agree that unless your DH & DC are vulnerable you should do it, you can take precautions, use sanitiser, wear a mask when in the same room (assume she'll be in bed) open the windows.
I'd do it OP just because it was my mum 💐

Park your car down the road and take your own sheets. Of course you should help her, unless she's a terrible mother and you're hardly on speaking terms.

Is there more to this?

If she’s got appalling back pain, it’s not really a surprise that she’s not cleaned or been able to change beds.

I’d go, take a sleeping bag and my own pillow and a bag of cleaning stuff. And park my car on another road, once I’d dropped her off at the door.

She is your mum. You are being incredibly unreasonable. Imagine if one of your own children rejected you like this in your time of need? Unbelievable.

Now waiting for the drip drip drip to justify being such an ungrateful child of hers.

@Winterwoollies

Is there more to this?

If she’s got appalling back pain, it’s not really a surprise that she’s not cleaned or been able to change beds.

I’d go, take a sleeping bag and my own pillow and a bag of cleaning stuff. And park my car on another road, once I’d dropped her off at the door.

This ^

Your mum is in pain and she's been offered a procedure to make this more bearable.

Take your own sheets, park elsewhere, unless she s a compulsive hoarder the bedroom can be made bearable and it's only one night

I had a hospital procedure a few years ago, under a general (I think) anaesthetic - long story, but no family nearby, and quite short notice as hospital didn't advise that I'd need someone to stay with me overnight.
A friend met me at the hospital, came home with me by cab, then went on to another engagement. I was fine - but had friends/neighbours numbers if I needed them.

That said, I think it would be mean not to assist your mother - take your own sheets/sleeping bag if that's what is concerning you.
PP suggestion of staying in a hotel - if you're making the effort to travel, unless the hotel is really close by, the idea is that you are oon hand should she need anything.

I'd be there in a flash. Possibly as soon as possible to get the beds changed, do some cleaning, stock up the fridge. And then I'd spend the time I was there doing more stuff to help her out. It sounds like she's suffered for a long time and that has impacted on her ability to keep on top of the cleaning etc.

Unless there's a massive drip feed coming about how she was abusive to you or something.

Like others, unless there is a history of abuse/neglect YABU. Make your own bed when you get there and be prepared to actually help a bit. If you can't put yourself out for your family it's a poor show. Especially as it's one night, not weeks! If you're worried about Covid, self isolate when you get back home.

Depends on the relationship. Has your mum not done anything at all for you to help, when it might have been too convenient for her but you really needed her? If not, no real guilt.

If she does provide help and support in normal timrs, then very selfish.

I think you can help your mum for one night. Take your own bedding if need be. Your DD can stay home.

No backstory. She's lovely. DP is vulnerable but he thinks I should go and has no qualms with DD going. DD is not.

I really want to be able to book the hotel and treat her a little and selfishly I will be more comfortable so we will see about that.

This is good to hear. I wasn't sure if people would say I am breaking rules, increasing risk etc. I won't be hugging her but will be in close proximity.

Is there a back story with your mum? It sounds a pain but I’d do it for my mum without a thought. I’d probably say no to DD coming and take my own sheets; if she’s in a lot of pain it’s be kinder to sort the bed out yourself anyway.

i would help her and go , as others have said take your own change of bedding , there is the risk they wont do the procedure if she cant have someone with her after and then shes going to carry on being in pain . you seem to be fussing over petty excuses about not doing it which considering its your mother is very sad . as to catching the virus im assuming you are stepping foot outside the house at some point to do shopping and so theres always a risk you are going to catch it !! unless you really plan on not leaving it until march or whenever its lifted .

Are you likely to get a good inheritance from her? If so, it's probably worth the short term risk to avoid upsetting a long term gain. As others have said, park the car round the corner if someone is likely to vandalise it.

Take your own bedding.

Tell her it's to save her a job.