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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to help my mum

250 replies

MattWanksock · 07/01/2021 08:01

My mum is having an epidural to help with back pain. She has been struggling with intense pain for some time after an accident over a year ago and is really looking forward to this as she believes it will help.

Yesterday (very late notice for the procedure) she stated that she has been told ideally she needs someone over night on the first night. We live over 100 miles away. She has a large enough house but it's not clean or really ready for someone to stay. I asked her where I would sleep and she said she would clear the bed in the big spare room (god knows when sheets last changed) or I could sleep in her room and she changes bedsheets on x day and therefore will only have slept in them once by the night of the e procedure. Hmm

There is also the issue that her neighbours have a history for damaging cars that park outside hers and have harassed her and one of her guests who she bubbled with in lockdown one which makes me very uncomfortable. I have looked at a hotel but have yet to hear back that they are allowing guests.

I don't think this would be breaking the rules as it's a medical procedure but I do not want to spend time in a car or hotel/house with someone who has spent the day in hospital undergoing a procedure and put my family at increased risk of catching. I'd never forgive myself if DD or DP caught it and it affected them. Also DD wants to come with me and I'm not sure.

Am i being heartless to leave her in the lurch? I would happily book the hotel but in covid times if seems risky. What would you do?

OP posts:
Grumpasaurus · 07/01/2021 16:55

Hi again

I just read the full thread. It sounds like your mum is a hoarder and has some serious mental health issues contributing to it.

You have taken a bashing and for that I do apologise.

I would say the best idea would be to just book a hotel. Or, bring her home with you for a few days if you can.

No dirt, no triggers, and when she is safe she can go back to living how she chooses.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 07/01/2021 17:06

@contrmary

Are you likely to get a good inheritance from her? If so, it's probably worth the short term risk to avoid upsetting a long term gain. As others have said, park the car round the corner if someone is likely to vandalise it.
the only person on this thread who is more unreasonable than the OP?
littlepattilou · 07/01/2021 18:35

@MattWanksock YABVU. She's your mother.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 07/01/2021 18:58

@contrmary

Are you likely to get a good inheritance from her? If so, it's probably worth the short term risk to avoid upsetting a long term gain. As others have said, park the car round the corner if someone is likely to vandalise it.
Ffs, I can't believe people actually live their lives thinking like this.
littlepattilou · 07/01/2021 19:00

@contrmary

Are you likely to get a good inheritance from her? If so, it's probably worth the short term risk to avoid upsetting a long term gain. As others have said, park the car round the corner if someone is likely to vandalise it.
Wow. Shock

I actually knew someone like you. A middle aged man (I'll call him Jim,) kept in touch with a women 20 years older than him, who worked with him for a year (circa 2009.)

She was a widow who had one son and DIL who she had not spoken to for 5 years after a row they had (because she disliked his wife.) She told Jim that she had disinherited him from her will.

He swooped in there because she had a (paid for) house valued at £500K. Jim became her new 'BFF.' Meeting her for coffee every 5-6 weeks, and offering to pick stuff up for her from the shops, and take her to GP appointments. He was hoping she would put him as the main inheritor.

He actually SAID he was keeping in touch with her as 'she had a half a million house.' Absolutely shameless.

You sound like him. EXACTLY like him.

Hilariously, after two years of Jim creeping and sniffing around her, and being her BFF; she made up with her son, and put him back in her will as the main inheritor. Grin She also totally ghosted Jim. Grin

You reap what you sow! Wink

Funny @contrmary hasn't posted again since 8.26 a.m. today, after the little doozy they posted then! Wink

MessAllOver · 07/01/2021 19:07

I suspect @contrmary was being ironic in view of the apparent lack of concern for her mum evident in the OP's earlier posts (given a fair bit of drip-feeding has occurred in this thread).

AlwaysLatte · 07/01/2021 19:21

If she's meant to have someone overnight surely they mean in her house, not a hotel? And maybe her house isn't clean because of her back problem? I would go over the day before, give the house a good clean and change the bedding then stay the night of the procedure as well as it sounds as though she needs some help.

Mittens030869 · 07/01/2021 20:17

** contrmary
Are you likely to get a good inheritance from her? If so, it's probably worth the short term risk to avoid upsetting a long term gain. As others have said, park the car round the corner if someone is likely to vandalise it.**

I’m also inclined to think that this poster was being goady here, and she’s probably enjoying the reaction to that one post.

If it’s genuine, then it’s a horrible attitude and much worse than the OP’s, which sounds like the result of a very difficult relationship with her mum, who she nevertheless still wants to help.

Foobydoo · 07/01/2021 23:19

I am thinking maybe your mum is a hoarder too op. If so you have my sympathy.
Mil is a hoarder and it's so bad we can't even visit. DH takes the children up and they have to stand in the garden. We have tried everything but she wont let us help. She has support workers and won't let them help either. We feel so guilty and people must think we are awful letting her live like that but she gets upset if we even mention the state of her house.

Sinful8 · 07/01/2021 23:41

@contrmary

Are you likely to get a good inheritance from her? If so, it's probably worth the short term risk to avoid upsetting a long term gain. As others have said, park the car round the corner if someone is likely to vandalise it.
Jesus christ thats cold blooded
Phoenixrising2020 · 07/01/2021 23:43

I wish with all my heart that I was able to take care of my father. Horrible things have forced heartbreaking separations in my family. I will suffer for not being able to help him when he is no longer alive, I wish that I was able to help.

tenredthings · 08/01/2021 08:37

I'd say you're more at risk of covid in a hotel which may have had many guests passing through, than in your mum's home. I think you should take sheets, if it matters to you , wear a mask ,wash you hands and look after your mum as she is suffering and has asked for help.

DenisetheMenace · 08/01/2021 10:23

Loseweightanddeclutter21

“I don't think people should come and pile on the op without reading the full thread and not just the the thread title, which is very misleading.“

Agree. Loving a hoarder can be exhausting.

sleepylittlebunnies · 08/01/2021 11:37

It might be less stressful for both of you to stay in a hotel together. It sounds like it’s not essential that she has someone there but would appreciate you making the effort; a hotel might enable both of you to relax a bit.

My Dad is a hoarder which is controlled to a degree by my Mum but I can imagine if he was on his own how the house would be. Hoarding is a form of OCD which is why people find it so hard having outsiders come and try and ‘improve’ things. If she has mental capacity and chooses to live like this and doesn’t want help then that’s her choice; even if most of us wouldn’t agree with it.

I’d bring her some flowers, take plenty of nice snacks and drink and try and enjoy each other’s company in a neutral space. Hopefully the epidural will help her and she can continue to maintain whatever level of cleanliness she is happy with.

Longer term ask her about what help she would like. Doing an online shop and getting it delivered to her might be more appreciated than getting her a cleaner.

Original poster
MattWanksock · 08/01/2021 13:28

@sleepylittlebunnies thank you!

Online shopping has been a nightmare since covid but it was a nightmare before as she is very rural. She has one friend who shops for her now. One refuses to do it since they gave the shopping over and then said "by the way I've got a test booked tomorrow so you might want to wash it all" and now says they would be putting her at risk. Others have just drifted away over time. She used to be the person who helped everyone so is devastated they aren't helping her now. I don't want to let her down.

The kind posters stand out far more than the criticism.

OP posts:
fucksanta1 · 08/01/2021 13:35

I'm sorry but she's your mum.....how many times over your childhood and you were ill was she there?
I think you are vv unreasonable

Eckhart · 08/01/2021 14:19

@fucksanta1

I'm sorry but she's your mum.....how many times over your childhood and you were ill was she there? I think you are vv unreasonable
Very bad basis for judgment. Children do not owe anything to their parents in recompense for inconvenience they caused by being born.
Otterseatpuffinsdontthey · 08/01/2021 19:25

@MattWanksock "The kind posters stand out far more than the criticism" - and that will suit you very nicely.
As I previously posted, it's no wonder you didn't turn on the voting.
You started the thread with a very unsympathetic post - and have continued to drip, drip, drip throughout. Hence, the criticism.

Otterseatpuffinsdontthey · 08/01/2021 19:39

Also, think it's your mother who deserves the kindness as she's the one who has been "struggling with intense pain for some time".

Original poster
MattWanksock · 08/01/2021 19:48

@Otterseatpuffinsdontthey I don't think you can enable voting on the app so erm... fuck off.

OP posts:
Original poster
MattWanksock · 08/01/2021 19:55

I ignored your comment at first but seeing as you've felt the need to come back and repeat it with an added callousness, I feel my response is warranted.

OP posts:
Otterseatpuffinsdontthey · 08/01/2021 21:26

Well, the true colours are now starting to emerge. Took a while.

Cheeseandwin5 · 09/01/2021 02:33

@DameFanny
I've just reported half a dozen personal attacks

I assume I was one of those, but I still stand by what I said. The OP has many options that would help her DM. The option to stay in a hotel seems the one that has the least effort and care.
It seems Obvious that the OP doesnt want to spend anytime with her DM and will choose whatever option that will minimise that.
Thats fine , as there maybe a situation where it adversely effects the OP MH.
My query is why wouldnt the Op mention this at the start, or even in her second comment. She does the exact opposite. It means everyone has different facts then what they apparently are.

Original poster
MattWanksock · 09/01/2021 07:33

In all honesty @Cheeseandwin5 this thread has been an eye opener for me. It may sound very strange to say that but this has made me realise things that I had just been putting aside for a long time. Like I say, she is lovely and means well, we talk most days on the phone and when I was younger we were best friends but once I moved away things changed and this is not a normal relationship and it's very draining. Her mental health has (and separately my fathers which is nothing to do with her but in my head they are one unit though separated for many years. They used to alternate with their issues but the last few years they have been throwing them at me left, right and centre) smothered my whole adult life and I feel after this latest accident just under two years ago this is actually just the start.

So, I'm glad i posted it because things really aren't that rosy and I now see it. I was drip feeding to myself and mumsnet alike.

OP posts:
unmarkedbythat · 09/01/2021 11:50

@fucksanta1

I'm sorry but she's your mum.....how many times over your childhood and you were ill was she there? I think you are vv unreasonable
That's parenting, not an investment to secure care in the future Hmm
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